Today I realized I was to small, to unknown, to middle class to fit in with the perfect smiles, the perfects weights, the people I thought kindness would be enough to yield their friendship.
In life we average people work hard to make a better life for ourselves. Sadly, no matter how well mannered or kind you are, despite how thoughtful you are, net worth & social status decides who these people are friends with.
They will hint jokes at the car you slaved and saved to buy yourself because it just doesn't quite shine as bright as the cars Mommy and Daddy bought them.
They were taught to smile bright, look good, and reach for the people who have value not people who will value them & these values say less about them and more about the people that taught them.
I guess that's why they smile in each other's faces and come to me to trash the people they were just pretending to love and care for so vigorously.
I guess that's why they tell lies without reasonable Premise, see they know the prices of material things, & know the names of the people who shine on Game Day & If you don't fall into those categories you're worthless to these people, literally.
Everything is perfect this. Everything has to be perfect that, & if you're a person with flaws you embrace especially those of the financial origin there's no place for you in their, well, I don't even know if I can say they even hearts.
If they do truly have hearts though you'll be sure to hear them complain about it being broken, because they're foolish enough to think they can just enter someone's life at the glorious finish & not care a single bit about the struggles in the start.

I’ve turned left so many times, It has to eventually go as planned, right?

I’ve been working to bridge the relationship between my imagination and the eyes.

Removing words from my vocabulary. Ones like can’t, wouldn’t, and nope.

When they can’t see the dream I’m told it’s scope.

I want someone to give the world and share a space.

Dating me is like being given the combination to a safe.

Are you the type to hang your head or chase the rebound after a block?

I realized the game was rigged and stole the clock.

When I write I like music with the voice soft
A dark room where only my thoughts are bright
A pen composed of memories & ache
A notepad with endless opportunity
I poor my emotions onto a poetic canvas & anyone who reads always ponders "how did he sculpt this type of art with the lights off?"

Good things, good people, are most appreciated when they’re leaving.

An easy Sunday morning isn’t noticed until Sunday evening.

It isn’t until landfall that the sailor notices the path was smooth.

For those who feel under revered this should be a thought that soothes.

It may rain today, It may shine today, but the flowers sprout as the time creeps through.

Slower is the preparation of herbal infused teas but such a sweet brew.




.

Progress is a compass, Identifying location.

The two most important days in our lives are when we are born and when we find our vocation.

It's no surprise you'll feel lucky sleeping in clovers.

Time should be like money, completely spent on what we wanted when it's over.

Where you're standing, do the butterflies circle you like you're part of the flutter?

There comes a day when our passions pass through our souls with such smooth grace like butter.

I would argue that where there is sustained struggle there is misplacement.

The best passions absorb us in a time freezing, effortless encasement.

That was me today, I put my wand down with no recollection of what I'd just done.  

So I wrote this for the chance I could help someone.

I had a feeling that I belong.

I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone.

Every breath I measure the zeal in my lungs & I feel like Tai Lung.

Careful to not confuse the universe with my tongue, I take back most wishes I’ve flung.

All but one, to make the best risotto you need to focus and constantly stir.

That which is, was wished until It were.

In a prison of my own making, I dream of my freedom, of the moment when the villain returns.

The child rejected by the village is usually the spark that causes said village to burn.

One usually meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid It.

Pain is something the Batman embraced but the Joker enjoyed It.

I’ve given myself so many placebos, is It drugs or is It my mind?

How many people who say “I don’t know” in a day can you find?

Fear not, just like everything else in my life, I will wait.

Gaze upon long lines for everything, except the work required to be great.

Once free I can not promise to even watch my puppy finish It’s bone.

For Tai Lung came to take everything once he came home.

Tai Lung's desires led him to a prison constructed by his own hand.

However, there is a deeper thought, are our desires original or the product of what our setting demands?

Biologically hardwired for approval, living is not as vital to our genes as feeling that someone cares.

In a world where excessive pride repulses, is our received vanity fair?

All that Tai Lung did, he did to make his father proud, to reach what he was told he should achieve.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree but what of the leaves?

They submit to the wind, float far away, land, and crumble away.

Leading an adult man to feel like a toddler for that is that last time he stumbled this way.

The origin of a villain is a shackled mind, a mind that did not discover it's own desires.

Any organic organism that is force fed sparks will soon be a dragon to breathe fire.

Forced goals + Obedience  = entitlement you know?

& even in this I found beauty. Do you know how hard you have to work to believe success is something you're owed?

In ancient civilizations such as the Indus valley or Mesopotamia, Barter systems reigned supreme.

One of the main challenges were double coincidence of wants, but what happens when one trades all his wants for a need?

Hence, wealth disparities begun to balloon, intermediary traders began to exploit their positions.

Through the ages socialist economists have warned of the effects of these gentlemen, no one listened.

They'd often point to the example of King Croesus of Lydia who amassed great fortune through exchanges and conquests he made.

Yet, in a kingdom renowned for it's prosperity, the only rich citizens of Lydia were those involved in trade.

Fast forward to 1776, and Adam smith ironically became the invisible hand of a prophecy.

One that foretold the return of the winner take all trader wasn't only possible, but most probably.

The prophecy is not clear, we do not know how, when, or where.

But somewhere, a trader prepares, poised to resurrect a trading prowess unseen for thousands of years.

If you walk in my room you'll see candles, flames burning next bibles.  
An accurate symbolization of my life, destruction so close to survival .
They say that the messiah is coming, will you run to or from at the sight of his arrival?  
Our people have become so obsessed with being out front they've forgotten, to lead you must first be a disciple.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The first one I want her to see, I want her to see that she's a walking portrait, a paint brush capable of painting the darkest skies blue.

That men close their eyes and dreams come through, and when they imagine those dreams coming true, they always imagine they're standing next to a woman like you.

Can you see the appreciation I have for your mom? What if I told you your mom went into labor for me?

Can't help but feel like you being born was God doing a favor for me.

Pains enter my life, they're agonizing and tormenting, then you show up and they cease from getting worse.

I immediately feel better anytime we're together. God is the ultimate healer & you work side by side with him, as far as I'm concerned you're already a nurse.

Absolutely amazes me that you've never been appreciated and beloved on Valentine's Day, a great guy is something a girl like you should never be missing.

I guess it's true after all, the richest treasures spend the most time hidden.

I have open arms for you & just like Waffle House they're never closing.

& scratch everything else, single and alive when we're 25 my hands are tied and I'm proposing.

Because when I think of all the characteristics and qualities of a wonderful woman they all belong to you.

So who ever you may marry will be an athlete in the best of shape, a benefit of constantly running home to you.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The second one I want her to see, I want her see that perfect formula God created her with that only she would be sharp enough to comprehend.

Just Loving her has made me smarter now than I was then.

I mean what do you do when, when your professors' intellect is inferior to that of one of your best friends.

Nothing, just be proud and open your ears to all the wisdom and essence they're giving out.

I mean I've always heard college students set goals but she's pouring shots of 4.0's & really living them out.

She's just fascinating, flawlessly respectful with unparalleled intellect; if I ever have a daughter for her to be just like you is what I'm wishing.

Someone this great shouldn't required to pay tuition.

Einstein, actually that's disrespectful, Einstein Einstein Einstein, I just felt like I needed to say that at least three times.

She's so brilliant she could probably construct better poems than me with equations and numbers and just make all the 3's rhyme.

I should be humble but my best friend is just better, just in case you're feeling yours.

If knowledge is the key she's consistently swinging open ceiling doors.

So proud to call you my friend, counting the days til it's been seven years cause they say if you're friends for seven you'll be friends for a lifetime.

& I need that, my life is a game of who wants to be a millionaire and my Valentine is my lifeline.

Three, three blind mice God once sent to me.

Wonderful angels that couldn't see all that I could see.

The third one I want her to see, to see that she's more special than she gives her self credit for, that she brings out the best in me.

& if she didn't believe it before this then I'll  just have to show her she's special going from A to Z.

She's completely Adorable like a baby the first time they taste a lemon thinking its a sweet fruit.

Excessively Beautiful, Sight dominating beauty that makes you wish there was never another sight you had to look to.

Her personality radiates a  gathering passion capable of making the coldest hearts turn Cupidity.

So daring in many ways, completely overly Dramatic at times but who isn't? One of the most dependable people I have there for me.  

Completely Essential, it wildly puzzles my mind how I managed to survive 20 years without her essence in life.

A mouth smarter than Sheridan at times, a attitude hotter than 99 degrees and 100% humidity, she's sure to make a Feisty wife.

She has a smile so attractive that's always Gleaming brighter than when you check your phone in the middle of the night and the brightness is on full blast.

Excessively Honest, almost to much sometimes, like when referring to my looks but nonetheless the type of honorable that makes relationships last.

I've never told her this but there's times when I glance at her & she looks nearly Identical Katrina Kaif, just more real & original, not some crafted photo.

She possesses a spirit that is perfectly Jovial. It's contagious & nurturing, my spirits seem to sink in a little every time she or I have to go.  

Foolishly Kindhearted, over willingly to give to the people she cares for and willing to forgive those she shouldn't.

Rarely a dull moment with her, she's so Ludic anytime I've tried to refrain from laughing at her I simply couldn't.

She's firmly Memorable, unforgettable like a first kiss, first car, or the first time you were asked to prom.

She's needed in our everyday nourishment, soulfully Nutritious, as much needed as a nap or a mom.

Contagiously Optimistic, her faith and positivity always rejuvenates me to make sure I keep that same faith she has in her life.

It is a gift to anyone to be able to look into her Prepossessing gaze, it's alluring like diamonds in her eyes.

Such a Quixotic woman, at least in my eyes. She herself might not agree but I think it would bring this out of the best of men.

Undeniably Royal, we must all bow to her, serve her hot chocolate & warm her blankets. I see no difference between her & the Monarchs they had back then.

Her hugs are Salubrious to the sick, healing & gifting strength and hope, a gift that has no price.

In life we can't trust many but she's undoubtedly well deserving of the label Trustworthy never will any relationship with her be rolling the dice.

Unique, but unique is an understatement. There are other Courtney's but there isn't another Courtney & if you knew her you catch my drift.

Any bleakness she experiences is like a Vociferousscreech to me and it becomes a priority to stop it, doing anything I can to help her mood shift.

An enjoyable kind of Weird, just different. I've had an off the wall friend in the past but she's gotta be 3x more enjoyable and outrageous as he was.

Personally, I hate her X, or anyone that has hurt her for that matter and I'll never forgive them even if she does.

Majestically Youthful, Courtney will mature through life but never age, in 60 years she'll still be running up and down WaWa aisles and I watch still disgusted from the comforts of my wheelchair.

The day she comes into anybody's life she makes that day their life's Zenith & I pray she's around for the rest of my years.

Presenting to a room of hundreds has ceased to be a challenge, writing has become severely easy.

I’ve submitted to my generosity, I’m closer to giving all away than the ability to be greedy.

Spiritual discipline would be an underwhelming description, I’ve incinerated my former self.

Minimalist is an identity I can claim, a high earner inhabiting a dorm with shelves.

My daily duties for my career are child’s play, thus there is only one challenge in my life I can find.

Oh does this fill me with unbearable joy, for It is the outlier on the list, a simple matter of time.

Thus, my script is not egotistical, such is not my kind.

I am simply observing that all in my life but one thing, has risen to accompany my level of rhyme.

So, Give It time.

Setting bars for myself & planning my own trials.

The tears flow up my cheeks pulling on my face, It’s like they make me smile.

I can have anything but not everything, I needed a smaller pile.

I thought I’d grow up but I’ve become a larger child.

People don’t think of us that much, we experience life largely alone.

Due to this realization, a lot of the pressures exist only on phones.

I have all the time, effort, and happiness I need for the surge.

After 3 millennia, a new dark wizard has finally emerged.

The use of cubism by Picasso introduced multiple viewpoints to enhance grading.

Any enthralling image requires light and dark areas, this is my shading.

Covered by a sad song, we seep into a bleak place where we feel we belong.

Far I’ve come but my grandmothers are gone. I feel as if I took too long.

I’ve realized past partners are projections of myself in order to understand my mind.

Is this why x is behind double you and in front of why?

Life is vices behind, like workaholism, *******, and liquor.

Then the ego introduces goal posts as the next kicker.

Checks and balances, they never told us that once you master the game

You’re terrified. To fall short while capable means there’s no one to blame.

So, I write to take weight off my shoulders, to say to you that you mustn’t always be so strong.

In this short life, we all know there are days It can feel too long.

In yonder realm where clamor blends with deep reflection true,
God's hand hath fashioned balance rare, amid tasks and pains that brew.
When man, unshackled, roams the fields of thought neglected erst,
'Tis eerie to perceive his freedom from desires accursed.

To lack desire akin to holding all within one's hand,
Yet fleeting is the novelty in this wondrous land.
A war doth rage betwixt my mind and bloodline's primal urge,
As I strive to fuse my wit with nature's ancient surge.

The cravings of this mortal frame, I find them naught but vain,
The primal thirst for mating and for accolades to gain.
In modern days, productivity doth reign supreme,
Yet I yearn for a detachment from society's harsh gleam.

Psychic and spiritual realms, they oft diverge from need,
Evolution's designs, they clash with intellect's creed.
Once vital for survival's sake, these instincts now seem drear,
To thinkers of a higher plane, their essence fails to cheer

I only dance when I’m in my room alone.
We can afford houses, but we can’t buy homes.
Grown, living off poems and songs.
If you don’t lean on the kid inside the adult doesn’t last long.
There’s so much in life we have to see.
Government shut down, my aunt was working for free.
I chip in like I’m on the lease.
Amazed even in the darkest time she was happier than me.
no social media, no tv. I think that’s why every time I see her it’s a laugh.
The days are better when you don’t know what you don’t have.
It’s been years since we had less but sometimes I miss It.
& to cheer up I play my favorite songs & change up the lyrics.
Different places in life is a walk to remember.
Two places at once, lives change, miracles happen when opposites come together.

The best meals take awhile, so here I wait, & when the tables turn I will have earned my seat & my plate. Wow, ain't fate great. Just, wait.

Remember how weekends felt in 2017.  
Road trips that flew by as if we tricked the road, staring at pictures we’d already seen.
Back when three hours was to much time & 200 miles was to much space.
The people in the stands looked much different when he imagined this part of the race.
It all blends, stress, bounce castles, loud music, and stitches.
Memories feel the same whether we’re picturing the home runs or the misses.
When we’re reminiscing it’s much less about how we arrived where.
It’s more about who is here now & who was there.
Back when he was only making 80k but constant hotels felt like no expense.
look back at the memories & there’s sense when the feeling hasn’t been back since.
Seeing the news shared before i even had the chance to tweet.
Back when I didn’t appreciate where I was you were more proud than me.
I hope you’re still proud of me even It’s someone else.
I took the life I was supposed to give to you & gave It to myself.

The best moments in life were the ones that unexpectedly produced smiles.

I used to struggle with faith through uncertainty, but now I love his style.

Who knows what comes with each minute but Lord knows what comes every year.

I gaze over my path to see evidence of life being an adventure everywhere.

We have a tendency to miss the impactful turns when we try to steer.

Is this because our greatest breakthroughs are usually on the other side of fear?

Nonetheless I’ve decided to stop forecasting knowing my job is to simply take the next step.

Putting my hand back in the cookie jar believing the best ones are still left.

Calm down, calm down, your voice is raised but it cant get any louder than your beauty.

Calm down, calm down. Drive safe, drive safe, even when done having your fun & you leave I won't hate you, I won't ever see those flaws you see.

Wake up, wake up, no rush for me to wake up, your eyes hold the view of a sunrise that assures you the stories in the bible are true.

I know, I know, it's hard to have an undecided major, to not know where your focus is and on the other side all I'm studying is you.

So true, so true, our angels aren't always with us.

Sometimes, sometimes, it's just a temporary eutopia to answer prayers, It's just a vacation God gives us.

Just please, just please, be clear, be forward, be true.

Remember, remember, I remember your brain's scrambled, your heart hurts, just remember mine does sometimes too.

In my mind rests so many words of repent, of remorse and regret that never went through.

Times where it's been just Me for you, & I wish I could've explained how terrorized I am by the idea of living with another someone to lose.

Traumatic memories can lead to irrational caution, repellant actions that seemingly can't be prevented or contained.

Flashes of past nightmares during my happiest days, guess the losses of my Dad, brother, and cousin led me to push away sunshine filled companionship for lonesome walks in the rain.

My impulsive actions are precaution of loss, can't allow another person to mean so much to me, cause I don't think I can withstand another cut to my core that deep, it's still sore.

So because of that I feel less and fear Lord. Give myself excuses like "her parents made more." "What would she even look my way for?" Victim of my own my mind, holding my inner gentlemen captive to free an ******* and I push away the same girls I used to pray for.

Even though Bella's fingers fitted in between mines as if that's what they were made for.

I know there's no way to take away the pain I've inflicted just like I still feel the pain of my own losses.

Mature enough now to realize my methods were addled by fear & emotion, & if I knew where you were Kennedy I'd tell you how sorry I am, realizing that it was selfish of me to vacate unannounced just to be cautious.

Tears always consume me thinking about the well being of Imani & if it's my fault. Blunts darken your bright soul, stress has dampened your smile & I'm so sorry my behavior made me inconsiderable to come dry tears.

I'd tell Ariel she made me forget my fears, that everyday I counted the piercings in your ears, that my reaction was pure caution after discovering you had kissed him, & I felt a pain as if I had held you in your bed for years.

I'd apologize to Rachel just because, just for the mix up in a terrible time for her. Id tell Amanda that I forgive her for playing with my mind, for saying she wasn't ready to move on & then kissing him in a club. Guess she'd say I got attached to quick in attempt to sucker me.

But I'm proud of that due to my often and recent inability to attach at all, & I regret the day  Abbie looked me in my eyes only to see I couldn't say I loved her too, that no matter how many times she lifted me to my feet I couldn't force my heart to give her that luxury.

Every night when my spirits are low & my eyes close to watch horrors,  I just feel the tears in my soul filling up from the hearts I've broken because mines lay in fractions.

So to them all, the Angels sent to me as I stumble through hell looking for the next hand to guide me, my deepest apologies for the ache, for time lost, & any unjustified distraction.

The universe is an endless menu where very few order what their hearts desire.

You have to get close to the source, current transducers measure by touching the wire.

No narcotics are needed to get the jolt.

If it’s not a law of physics, it’s made up and you can choose to revolt.

Why seek truth? Believe in utility.

My dreams coming true is less about my abilities and more about my ability,

To believe the finish line is my destination, that her hand is mine.

The universe only serves those who get in line, then leave the line, because we choose our time.

We are but fractions of God and so with you I feel closer to whole.

I distant the cold the closer the hold.

One hundred voices together sounds closer to him.

There's one letter in I, four letters in them.

I try my best not to let things bother me.
But unavoidable irritation is those women anyone could have if they struck a lottery.
State, Scratch off, or Draft day, doesn't matter.
Materialistic & status driven women whom the true values in life don't seem to flatter.
You can stay down but she  needs a come up.
& if you ever drown she won't be there when you come up.
There's so many problems there and I'm here to provide the sum.
The minute your dollars multiply, divide from her & add in a woman that values you or you'll be left looking dumb.
Life is full of open and closed doors,
Sometimes you have wait longer for the lord to open yours.
Marriage is about ups and downs & how could that ever work with a woman who won't ride to the lowest floor?

So bright, consuming all my nights.
She's enchanting like Rosellas when they fly.
Eye to eye, a blue that makes you want to dive.
So beautiful like sapphires in her eyes.
A wild torch, couldn't contain it if I tried.
Gorgeous pain, uncontrollably smiling while I cried.
I say I don't love her & never have I agonized so much inside as I lied.
Such a portrait can not be earthly, Lord tell me have I died?

I’m repulsed by a life of being on time, that’s not something to be.

I know thanks to gravity you’ll one day see the time on me.

We’ve left schools but timelines have us competing still.

One comparison leads to the next, there’s always someone ahead so hence you’re completely still.

The present demands 100% of you or It will find someone else to consume.

In my isolation people always ask me “when will regular life resume?”

They miss the point, we manage focus not time.

They hustle to get through their line, I remove things and people from mine.

The things in your life considered important should only take one sentence to read.

We don’t get time by accomplishing more, just cut out everything you don’t need.

Last night I heard the Devil talking in my head.

He said it's an emergency.
Said he had some words for me.
He told me when the wicked speak, it's his breath that projects their frosty voices.
That everytime I've lost someone, he was the advisory behind their fatal choices.
He told me he generously opens wallets, doors, legs, we shouldn't go through.
That we do exactly what he desires us to do.
& Everytime we set that fire to our souls,
He gets high off the smoke.
Maybe you don't believe in God & you're reading this thinking, man he's so dumb.
& although I respect anyone's beliefs, can you just answer me this, where else would the evil come from?
A child doesn't seek to cause pain, to deceive, lie, or steal, they learn it from us after awhile.
& if there's no Devil, no origin of evil, how'd it get here? Who taught the first child?
These questions deteriate my mind. So maybe it's me, Being a good person is out of style, I'm the only one that seems to have the nerve.
Funny, we say we Love God but we lie more than truth. Hurt more than heal. Steal more than give. If we're doing all the things the Devil wants us to do, then who do we really serve?

My cousin has threw his life away, I whept heavily because maybe it's partly my fault, & although I said for him to do better, my voice was soft as powder.

The Devil doesn't whisper, he doesn't stop speaking, & we must yell our love to the ones we love because right now he's talking louder.

**I hear him.

It's hard accepting the way the hands on a clock touches others.
While I was chasing my dreams to spoil them, I lost both my grandmothers.
Is there a such thing as wasted time?
The best things in life are usually at the end of of a line.
We cherish it because we'd have to wait again to do it twice.
Maybe that's why God put heaven at the end of life.
I want kids, but I hold off hoping my numbers could be bolder.
Then every time I see my mom, I remember she's getting older.
I put my faith in you, I put my faith in a tick.
Then you and the time disappeared, why do we trust things we can't predict?
What are we waiting for? We all have a day they're wearing black.
Sometimes I stare at clocks & wonder if time is staring back.
We were born into this measurement and forced to adopt.
all of our tears dropping on glass & hands, standing on clocks.