It may have been just a few days,
It may have been a week.
In that short span of time it seemed as if we had everything we ever hoped for.
Mom and Dad.
It was surreal seeing them talk and laugh.
We went to the zoo and the theme park.
The real roller coaster was knowing that Dad would be leaving again.
My brother and I went outside and did a rain dance.
It must have pleased the Gods because the sky burst open with rain.
That day we learned that trains still leave even if it rains.
I learned that people still leave even if you want them to stay.

I remember walking on crunching leaves and the sun shining violently through the trees. The light creating a twinkling in your eyes flickering vibrantly in the confines of my fading memory.
Everything was golden, gloriously golden in that moment.
Now, the decay is setting in on my once ambient vision.
I can still hear us singing, we could be heroes, if just for a day.

Barely have I woken
Barely have we spoken
But this morning
I feel such a shame
and such a burden of the blame
I lash out in anger
Treat you like a stranger
Even though I feel
Very much the same
I dont know why your words feel like danger
And I feel I must attack back
But some mornings it is empathy
And self awareness which I lack
I need to combat this awful feeling
So I may begin revealing
The person who I wish to be
Instead of letting us both
Assure self destruction mutually
I am sorry truly sorry
That at times
I can be
So defensive
So relentless
So hostile
So volatile
So acutely obtuse and cross
That I let an argument
Be my victory
And take you as a loss

She has eyes like Martian terrain.
Burnt Sienna.
Her pupils are black like the vacuum of space.
Little flecks of stars sparkle in them
but they are very much, alive burning like the sun.
Her skin is cratered like the moon, rocky and porous.
Her arms are speckled with freckled constellations.
She is a creation of the universe.

I write for you
One who's eyes may spy my secret scrawls
I write for you
Whose ears may hear my discreet calls
I write for you
But honestly I write for nobody and all

There are times I certainly don't feel good enough.
But my lap is optimal for my cat or my husband's legs to drape over.
I keep a store functional and performing adequately.
I answer the phone and provide reassurance to whomever may need it.
I am someone who is thought of in merriment.
My family has vested me with keys to their homes just in case.
Strangers can count on me to hold the door for them.
I know that I can handle whatever is asked of me.
I am good enough for them, so I should be good enough for me.

To be myself
Without a care
Of who will judge
Or who will stare
To love my skin
When it's bare
Just to be free
And acutely aware
Letting go
Of others perceptions
But opening up
To all connections

I have started to think less of who you will be.
Instead, I am changing my focus and turning it more inwardly.
You see, you may never be, but I most certainly am.
Who I become can change your life before it ever had began.
So I am changing my present, so I may present this great gift to you.
I am only one, but perhaps one day, one will come from two.
I love you endlessly even though you are just a thought.
But whoever you may be is half of me, so I have to give myself all I've got.
I know that I will be so proud of you because you will be part of me, so I must take pride in myself too.
Thank you for inspiring me to aspire to be everything you could ever require of me.

The blank screen a canvas
For my scrambling thought
Black text is life brought
The blinking cursor
a precursor to what is next
Often times
These winding rhymes can leave me vexed
But still I pine on every line
Leaning over curving my spine
Squinting eyes open heart
Carefully creating every part
Til I feel that I am through
These words are all that I can give to you
Though they are for me you can have them too

Some young
Some old
Some fearful
Some bold
Some big
Some small
Some short
Some tall
Some dark
Some light
Some dim
Some bright
Some healthy
Some ill
Some rich
Some poor
Some evil
Some pure
Some popular
Some obscure
All of them hoping to endure
Beating hearts like ticking clocks
Hopes and dreams like building blocks
Built high knocked down
Sand castles that all drown
But still they find a way to smile
When wanting to frown
Like a pauper wearing a proper crown
These amazing beings
Never cease to fail
At being so strong
Despite being so frail.

I have a wandering mind
It goes asunder at times
I pine over pitiless thoughts
I ought not to think
I become distraught
And I begin to sink
Deeper and deeper
Plummeting down
In the darkest muddiest murkiest
Of waters I begin to drown
But I realize that I am only in a puddle
And I begin my ascension
You see my anxiety transports me to another dimension
Where puddles are lakes and oceans
And I am incapable of controlling my emotions

What is it like to be good enough?
I have never understood the concept.
I'm used to feeling inept
and full of doubt
But self respect...
What's that about.
Self destruction I understand.
I've mastered self neglect.
I know self loathing like the back of my hand.
I've never had a plan,
Never had a dream,
Never been good enough,
But perhaps someday I may.

Just breathe
Slow and deep
Keep breathing
Take in the air
And release
Your despair
Inhale
Exhale
Keep breathing
You'll prevail

There was love in the trees
There was love in the breeze that blew the leaves too
There was love in my knees
The day I fell for you

There was love in the sky
There was love in the sun that shown upon the earth too
There was love in my eye
When I looked at you

There was love everywhere
And there still is too
It's just that the trees are growing bare
And the sky is no longer blue
But I still have that same look
When I look at you

Moonlight before midnight
Cicadas softly hiss
A sea of crickets chirping
In this darkness
Soft wisps of clouds
Do not hide the stars
In the infinite abyss
They remind us where we are

Lament of the living
Forgiving of death
Blessed with breath
Despite torment of finite time
Faulty by design
Feeling immortal but never divine
Creating sarcophagi
Through material things
We are but fragile
Fragile beings

Doubt is the darkness devoid of light
Doubt is a racecourse with no end in sight
Doubt is an insidious disease with no cure
Doubt is constantly feeling unsure
Doubt is a vacuum without a breeze
Doubt is everything that can never be
Doubt is all of my overwhelming insecurities
Doubt is everything I've ever come to know
But hopeful is what I want to be

From the very beginning we are often writing the ending. Perhaps this is practical in nature if we seek to reach a conclusion but so often we are jumping to conclusions. We are so fixated on determining what is to come that we don't even realize what is happening. We skip over the details attempting comprehension from the subtlety of minute context clues foreshadowing what will be concluded. But,  the devil is in the details.

Who are you?
I ask as I touch your face.
Why are you here?
I enquire as my eyes search this place.
What do you want?
I question as these inklings taunt.
I am a woman who is strong...
Because, I refuse to give up...
To grow...

I hope someday you may gaze upon your reflection and finally see the man you have always wanted to be
Until that day I hope you may work tirelessly
Fixated on your goals
Lost in your dreams
Your soul searching
For its' tenacity
Only seeing yourself
With voracity
Mercy and grace
Til you may come to love
And accept
The man you have come to be
A man you can respect
A man you can face

Somedays the days are wasted
Without such remarkable delight
Caught in moments toiling away til night
Getting nothing done but rising at dawn
And settling with the sun
As life goes on

Today is the same as yesterday.
The morning storms awoke me from
My placid dreamy state. Almost the same.  Yesterday,  I noticed you had already left for work as your side of the bed was absent. I longed to be nestled in your embrace as the storm waged on. This morning you are here.  I tried to hold you, thinking this is perfect I have a redo. You told me to scoot over.  Yesterday,  as I day dreamed about your hand holding mine as I succumbed to old age I realized that I am distrusting because I am afraid of inevitable loss.  Today,  I realized that I may not be afraid of losing you,  I am afraid that I can not have you and I can not be had in the way that I would like.  Expectations are suffering and I do exceptionally well at dissapointment.

Life is a series of moments unraveled
A continuum of time and space traveled
Ellipsis made around the earth by sun
A summation of experiences interpreted subjectively by one
Neurons firing and synapses receiving
But to think that this is all life is can be most deceiving
Life can be measured in statistics sure
But is it quantifiable that life is greater
Than any undeniable fact
Perhaps life is only defined by how we react

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem far away
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem quiet and don't know what to say
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem to be acting in a melancholic way
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

Dreams of you keep me awake
Surely my reality isn't a mistake
But in my slumber I can't make an escape
And I wonder how much I can take
When my nights and days seperate
Blending seamlessly as possibility and fate
I wish the madness would finally cease
Because my heart desperately needs release

A bottomless pit
A fruitless wishing well
A black abyss
An insurmountable hell
An empty vessel
A hole for a heart
I was too much to love
From the very start
Stark darkness
For a hope of light
All that is wrong
When I wish it was right
I give up on this endless fight
Loneliness surely is my plight
At last I say good night
My dreams will take me
Far away
And I will awake to a brighter day

I sat down with my pen and pad
Imagining the life I wish I could have had
Funny thing is the details were all the same
And a smile spread across my face
And you were to blame

Sometimes I think back to when I was young, I remember how expansive the world was,  how everything was enchanted,  how new days were filled with boundless possibilities. Now,  I know that the world is a place for me to explore,  it is truly magical,  and each day I am creating endless realities.  My spirit shall stay youthful, innocent,  curious, and gracious.

Oh hallow the heavens divine
May my intentions begin to align
To give in and live in realities design
May my fears resign to the origins from which they came
may I be redeemed from the shame
That once followed my spoken name
May I be awoke in grace
And have pride and love for the reflection of my face
May the place where indifference once inhabited be desserted and filled with all that I have taken for granted
I want to be enchanted with the presents that opportunity presence
No sense in waiting for false pretense
No resentment no pain
Just the world which is mine to gain

Cicadas softly sing their lullabye
The breeze begins to dance with the trees
A train whistle howls into the night
As stars begin to appear in the soft twilight
An engine roars far away revving closer
As a dog calls out for attention
My presence is quiet and calm
I feel chills brush over my body
Then an aphid lands on my arm
I allow it to linger
I am happy

Someday you will be loved
The way you have always known how
But you have to love yourself for now

My heart is a bruised fruit
Half rotted
that I have preserved So well
that to the touch
It feels like glass
Strong glass that won't shatter
If you were to squeeze it
Or throw it against a wall
But none of that matters at all
Because it's made of matter
That matters
that's all that matters
After all
I have made my heart harder
Because it's only half of a whole
And there's a hole in the center
That renders it hollow
I know it's hard to swallow but it's true
My heart is softer in the middle
So it's frail and brittle
But I hardened it to give it to you
I made it harder so it couldn't break
But it's still soft
I thought I was smarter
And I could never be a martyr
But at the end of the day my heart
Breaks in two
And all it takes is you

A long walk
Can soothe the mind
I bring the music
Leaving my worries behind
In my path
My footsteps lead
Away from the things
That I don't need

I can love the man who holds my hand
I can give him a life that folds into his plan
I can be the peace he needs
I can still love him when his hairline recedes
I can express great emotion when he succeeds
I can express devotion when he feels that he failed
I can help him to find a new solution if his expectations become derailed
I can be his ease like a gentle summer day
I can be his release when life isn't going his way
I can love him when he is sullen
I can give him hope when his dreams are stolen
I can love the man who loves me unconditionally
I can love the man who sees me as I am
And says she is the one without giving a ****

There's a beast in my breast
A creature in my chest
I say a prayer to soothe her to sleep
But the monster never rests
Her goal to keep me awake
With every regret and every mistake
Most hearts have ventricles
Mine has tentacles and claws
Scraping and scratching at all of my flaws
The cause is insurmountable
accountable for malace
A chalice of pain
In a world of suffering
It always will reign
But theres an angel in my head
She challenges the beast instead
Of letting me fight this battle
That rattles my ribcage
She is reserved and refrains
From the eternal rage
She helps me decide
That there's no need to hide
She takes my side
And whispers lullabies
That help me take it instride
No matter how I've tried
To calm their qualm
They quarrel incessantly
But this upheaval
Of good and evil
Is my destiny

He lost track of time
A five year gap
lapsed
in his time line
Now here I am
losing mine
His penance
my sacrifice
His redemption
My demise
Reparations
Of desperation
No reconciliation
For hours
Days weeks
Months and years stolen
I am sullen
A broken clock
For a broken heart
I am left with the pieces
And the broken parts
Of the start to something new
A promise of better days
Where skies are blue
But all I would like
Are more than just
Pieces of you

I am awake
I am alive
I am human
I am woman
I am kind
I am smart
I am funny
I am beautiful
I am loving
I am loved
I am blessed
I am gracious
I am understanding
I am understood

You're the man who was never there
When I was alone
And I was scared
You never cared
You were never at home
Now that you're here
I am never alone
I am never scared
Because you've shown that you cared
As long as you're here
I am right at home

Our dreams were never ours
They were mine and yours
My dreams were of love
Yours were of money
But isn't it funny that we both got our dreams
Even though we were ripping
At the seams
Like the tattered jeans
I wore in youth
Back when we were so uncouth
And we thought we knew everything
But we couldn't see the truth
That we were so close
And so far
Like the vibrating strings of my exes guitar
We thought we could go anywhere
We knew we would leave this town
In all its' dust and smoke
But we came back each time
Defeated and broke
We would meet up for cocktails
Reminiscing of the past
Hoping for the future
Unsure of the present
Saying this isn't permanent
It too shall pass
As we discussed plans
Each time I found myself
Grasping for your hands
Perhaps it is because they reached
But not to me
That is what I couldn't see
But your fingertips longed
For something ahead
And when you discussed the future
I was very much in the moment
Looking at you instead
I never loved you
I loved your lust for life
You never loved me
You loved the way my heart thrusted from strife
We never loved each other
But we loved the plans we made
And to see our dreams come true seperately
Is the most beautiful bittersweet serenade

I don't always write right
Sometimes I write wrong
It helps me right wrong

Your love is demure
Often times obscure
Are your intentions pure
Or am I looking back at a cracked mirror

My vision distorted
By suspicion purported
Your decision not surported
By the revision I've recorded

Who can say if the way I feel is subjective
Is my thought process objective
Does my mind race like that of a detective
Could I possibly be selective

Its all I've known to feel rejected
And it's just because I've always been neglected
My sense of self worth has been affected
As I've been a cassette consistently ejected
I'm often times dejected

Am I just easily distrusting
Is it worth us discussing
Or do you find this side of me hideously disgusting
As I get mad and start repeatedly  cussing

Perhaps I am a girl with daddy issues
And these eyes won't dry with one billion tissues
Or I just refuse
To think my ticking time bomb heart will diffuse

In taking others loving advice
I'm accepting your sacrifice
But I'm contemplating my own demise
Simply negating a man can be nice

And it is unwise to be this way
And I can't help these tricks my mentality tends to play
Perhaps there will be another day
Where I can keep these thoughts at bay

Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
I slip away  aimlessly
No rope to tether
My feet to land
I am reaching
For an invisible hand
And my grasp
Is like trying to pinch
Just a grain of sand
Feeling the pressure
Pulling me down
Sinking to the depths
Starting to drown
Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
As if there ever was a chance
I could rise and be free

It is not pressure
it is a vibration
It is a sensation
It is a conscience
Tension and elasticity
Protons and electricity
of the nerves
Vibrations rhythm emitting impulse
Just a heart beating to the pulse
And my mind finding words
It is thinking
It is feeling
It is living
It is life
Living itself
Is God
By having life
The breath of conciousness
The multiverse
All that is infinitely unfathomable
The unknown
We are one with the waves of the infinite because we are a frequency we are static we are a whisper of what is to be created with divinity through glory and I am simply living my own choose your own adventure story

I truly believe that this is for me.
That I do not care if one being lays eyes upon this besides god.  I have lived a life that is disgracefully magnificent.  I am but a being and I need to treat myself as such. I am a child of god,  I am the manifestation of  the universe,  and I am a manifestation of God's purpose. My interpretation of the universe gives it light, without my perception I would not have knowledge. I can change my perspective through my actions.  I can lean into doing things I do not find pleasure in but I feel I must do to maintain balance. I can also pull away from things that bring me pleasure but inhibit me in ways that do not.  I can change,  I can do better,  I will do better,  I am doing better,  and I am changing.  I must act in a way that brings me great peace.  I must react in a way that does not create negativity.  Through my personal and interpersonal communication I create positivity or negativity. I make the universe sing back to me.  I experience and create within the universe. I am a part of a greater whole and the greater whole is a piece of me.  I can create balance and harmony within myself to experience it within the universe.  I am beginning a transition because I am constantly moving forward.

What are contact pages on facebook and twitter account number

I have been given an entire universe to explore
I can create within it's constructs
I manifest change through it's vibrations as it reverberates my very being
I am matter,  so I do matter, and you are what matters most to me
In all of the multiverses with all of their galaxies I chose you
In every possible epoch or era, we are experiencing this di roll of reality
and I wouldn't want it any other way
I feel destined to have been designed
as I am when I am with you
You make my existence seem fortuitous
and I am grateful to be with you
on this earth

Pain can be exhumed like a cadavre
The rib cage cincher of vulnerability
opening to display the once beating heart
Ventricles pumped passions of past trauma
In this observation my adrenaline races
My memories like a super 8 reel sliding backwards, stills stuck in time seamlessly creating cinematic macabre
The tangled film unraveling on the floor at my feet rendering me unable to move freely
The menagerie serves as a distraction from the retro active autopsy being performed and I quickly realize that this is not my observation
These are not my undying aches
I am not lifeless on a steel table
The current version of myself is very much alive thanks to the version of myself that wished my mortality was expendable.

We are here
Suspended in fear
Hanging onto hope
Like a slowly freying rope
But the bond is strong
So we hold on
At least we have one another
If all else fails
This I believe
Our love prevails

Planes leave jet streams
That trail in different ways
Fading haze
and pastel puffs
In neon gradients
Blending into each other
Birds fly over
Black like ink on watercolor
And the air is cool and crispy
Chilly and brisk
As my smoke tangles in whispy twists

A flock of birds speckle the cerulean sky
The world is soft silvers and gold
I hear a train in the distance
My cocoa steams like the sun
On the newly frosted lawn
I am content to be alive and awake like the rising light
That makes everything shimmer
This is life as it ought to be