ii.

They say it's a fear of living
Yet they deny
That the other is a fear of dying

iii.

They say suicide is a sin
And your soul was sent to hell
But if that's true
How cruel your God is

iv.

Who needs God?
You were God once;
Now you can't be tamed.

there is dust,
on my heart,
that is you.

the next days
will only
make
you layer.

like the cake,
mille-feuille,
only that's
inedible.

human's feeling is
a universe
that has
no limit.

Heaven surely does exist; people with depression must have known it all too well. Heaven is a place without bodies, therefore without physical needs. Nothing has ever felt emptier than abandoning your own stomach and your own lungs. Heaven is a place without sleep, even without sleepiness. All is pure and cold but there's no skin to feel that anyway. Heaven is a place without ambition, without the need to be on top. Communists must have learned it from them, though all with flesh shall fail. Heaven is a place where dead people live, where tomorrow nor yesterday do not exist, where today is one eternity. All is numb and enough, nothing could ever be better nor worse. Heaven is satisfied. Heaven falls to your brain, but all with flesh shall fail.

i. Angel

I have stomachache
like the roof of your mouth in
nights where stars are bright

i've forgotten
what bitter tastes
like. every *******
thing
is sweet, is fresh, is
a fuji apple
with the skin peeled,
the flesh quick-soaked
in saltwater, the seeds taken
as softly as
the milk teeth.

For you the hell was icy
And devil's breath was frost
You were never ready for it
Cold shower had never helped
Sleeping in refrigerator
The ice cubes
For lunch, dinner, breakfast,
Lunch, dinner, breakfast-
You had your head
In the freezer all the time-
Wrong choice
More and more nightmares
You just could not be helped
People's stares only made it worse
Your blood vessels couldn't take it more
Mouth glued by frozen saliva
Eyes open all the time due to hardened tears
More and more nightmares
You were never ready for it
You were never ready for any coldness

my fingers are your eyelashes
they long to dance, yearn for the fall
you bat them, i follow
how attachment kills the most
insanitary are the fingernails i grow

ssshh
listen
there is something pouring
to the rhythm
what's that liquid doing between
mirage and insanity

what blessing i
ve never been to
this place
o creaking bone
i meticulously cultivate wrinkles on my face
please consider killing me sometime
there are so much ways
cruel
cruel
cruel
have a knife, knives
knead me with piping asphalt
i am sheltered
i've always been
wanting
desiring
craving
to lose
to lose
to lose

you are so close
yet so far
i want to touch you
but i can't

i'm trained to love the rain
but the wind goes from here to where you are
i cannot handle this
it won't go back

didn't even try
i'm slowing down
it happens so fast
like the sky

The blue is getting smaller
And the moon
Can no longer be pointed at
All I see
Is your finger
Fading with the air
And the flesh
Is all eaten by time
It shall fail
Along with the heart
As the bones
Composing weird music
But candy
To the ears
And the eyes
Can no longer see
And the mortal
Life shall cease
And the eternity
Can no longer be
Denied

For I once did see
Now I am blind
For I once was found
Now I am lost
O, how sweet the sound!
How precious did the grace appear
How precious did the grace appear
How precious did the grace appear

God this head is about to explode
with nothing is ever going on
nothing is ever getting done

hey, aren't you funny
come here, please do more
have my skin, breathe me in

i only want your hands, your milky fingers
well, your voice, your silky vibes
yes, calm me down, stop me when i raise my voice

just how did we become so old?
see how you did not change even for a bit
i begin to forget the years we have been through

were you even really there,
were you even real, hey,
before this really ends don't you just want to say something?

God my head is about to explode
isn't this too overwhelming,
all the years we have been through?

Flawed
can
at
a factory
behind
a
farm.
Misprinted
stamp
at
a small
post office in a calm
village.

Don't
call
us
*unique.

you were one's most favorite poem which one could never have the heart to bring to words ---

not anymore.

Leftovers in my head,
the insects are long dead,
i have heartbreaks but
they would never be enough
until they pretended i
am a mortal, a

human with two legs ---
all two will be donated
to WWF.
Hear it? Listen

to a trembling lips
daring not to voice
a promise. You
know the consequences
of a promise. It's almost terrifying

until
you keep daydreaming
about plane, car, train crashes,
you keep daydreaming

about lethal poisoning, falling from 100th, any accidents
possible,
you keep daydreaming, even in prayers,

his body covered in oil, in blood,
his body cold and dry,
his body and white and yellow flowers,

and you cry but you cry the softest.

*

I am going to forget
that we needed jasmines, at
least we needed it so much we
started to pray to them,

i am going to forget
oxygen deprivations,
i am going to start
doing morning marathons,
i am going to
lose my kidneys, as well as my legs,

but i have the heart.
I have the heart and you will be happy,
they will be happy,
and i'll
blame myself for that.

viii.

I first really learned that
Promises are meant to be broken
When I was fifteen.
Maybe that's too late.
Maybe that's too lame.
It was a doctor,
Or not anymore. I think he was one of
Those malpractioners,
I think he told us
He used this supernatural blah blah.
I don't know how
He did get to our house,
Sitting so comfortably
And drinking the offered tea.
Actually I don't remember what
He was drinking.
I just remember that he
Looked like typical
Male dentist here. With short hair
And white glasses and tight clothes.
Oh I think I just made it
Up. Memories are not
For the bad. Though
His eyes were not
Lovely at all. They were
Intimidating. They did not
Shine at all. Those eyes stared
At mine. I think his voice
Sounded like a drunk's. The
Question he asked, just answer
Honestly, don't be afraid, he said
He would not tell my dad.
Doubt was out. I could not
Lie. I learned that one later.
So soon, soon after.

I was fifteen. Not that young
To be able to sense
Danger. I am not
Exaggerating. My mind was
A treasure and still is.
Not that you'd be rich
With it. But I really don't have
Anything
Else.
I think the questions he asked
Were simple. But there was this
One **** he said
I did not need to worry about;
That I could trust him
That he would not tell
Anyone. You know,
Adults were not scary.
They are.

I know this might not
Be the question that
Makes you hesitate in
Front of the person you trust.
But my mind was a treasure
And still is. I don't
Have anything
Else.

"If you feel troubled, whom
Would you tell about that?"

The answer was actually
I would not tell at all. But
My treasure
Could not be discovered.
I could not lie but I had to.
I stayed silent
For a moment. He kept
Saying I could trust him.
So I did.
My brother, I answered.
That was the truest
I could say. And it was
True. I did tell
My brother this and that,
Though my treasure
Was always safely kept.
I think. I think then
They discovered that I had
That but apparently they were
Not interested in my
Treasure-play. I doubt
They even understand
At all.

He said to dad
That dad needed to
Deepen the parent-child bond.
He said to dad
That I should not
Trust my brother more.
He said to dad
That there must be
Something wrong
With me
And this family.
He said to dad
All the things
He'd said to me
He would not.

I don't understand
How my dad could still
Wish me to be a doctor
After that.

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
warmth so overwhelming it hurts
burn so severe it eliminates everything else

i want to forget this body, this lonely
that unlawfully resides within me
in raging eternal flames, that's how
i want to be forgotten
i want to become ashes, rise again
only to burn to death again
that's how i want to forget
what it's like to have skin and bones
what it's like to disguise the skeleton with fat and cellulites

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
yet all i do is hoarding, gorging, overindulging
in this cold room of a landfill, as a lifestyle
but also no, i don't live like this
i don't live at all

i want to prove the world wrong
i want to nullify your religion
i want you to know the absolute truth

i want to burn, because coldness
is how i know hell. i want to break,
because my whole is how
i become hell

hell is all in my head
hell is all over my body
hell is penetrating my every pores
because it's gaping wide, asking for it
asking to be filled, asking for anything
asking for enlargement, asking to reduce themselves
asking to perish, forcefully, painfully, then all at once

There is nothing left
Only you, remaining years
Remaining tears
For a pink tinted jar
Small
******
Smells like jasmine tea
With some crumbled dreams

Sing a song, you sing, silent
Crushed sternum
Heart melted want to run away
Trying not to, trying not to
See you with honest eyes
Talk to you with childish voice
I hear you rush
I hear you beat
I am in your arteries
I am sorry for your stomachache
I can't do anything with the heat on your back

Change the glasses, we are going to
Libraries
Abandoned ones
Come home when no one's there
Go to school on holidays
We can't find each other
"Sorry, you aren't the one I am looking for"
That's how you do not grow
That's how you go to bathroom in the middle of nights
Thank you--

Her hair is
blooming flowers;
black asters with
some black swan's feathers.
When she smiles
you can see poetries
flowing from her eyes.
I can imagine
that when she cries,
it would be sea tides
and the shore
would sing mermaid songs.
A mermaid would come
silently
and cry
with her.
Each of her heartbeat
is one unique quake.
When she falls
in love
you can feel it
on your feet ---
the earth approves.
When her heart breaks
you can feel it --
your sternum cracks,
your ribs loose,
the lungs fly away
to where
the hope fades.

you, the sand on your skin,
your hair, salty drenched in ocean water
and smells like tropical flowers.
the strands stick to your face,
as if trying to cover the beauty in
your eyes, they have seen
kindness being slaughtered, justice shattered.
more than anyone's, yours are the oldest of eyes, yours
make wrinkle appear on your heart.

thank god i am full
and i stuff my mouth over
and over again

close your eyes you still can't listen
waves crashing, crushing phrase by phrase
heartbeat, a storybook, only without a plot
stomach growl, head falling to ground
a body with the most denial
gravity in your ears, did you find a root?
believe me when i say i'm soundproof

wish for no space between liquid and solid
aqueous girl, scared teeth can't sing a song
in a box, bones and hair
flesh twitching covered in tears
you can't stand, eyes fixed open
here's my control, i'll give it to you
how can you be so real?

i lack.
my eyes heavy.
my stomach no manner.
my feet don't matter.
throat dry.
nose greasy.
head funky.
hair a nest.
skin a test.
ears don't hear.
mouth no tongue no teeth.
i lack.
my heart cool and flat.
my chest a child.
celestial lungs.
carbon and one o.
sleepy sleep.
it's morning already.

*******
for all those people who care for you
*******
for all the warmth given to you
*******
for all that sweetness as choices
*******, ******* so much
just *******
and
*******
and ******* and ******* and *******
and
*******
for all those people who care for you.
*****
you.

father, father
as you sniffed
i smelled like you

father, father
my creator
a rusty anchor

father, father
as you drift
further, further

My heart bleeds
for the fire
in your arms
W*here it rains
non-stop
from my face

"Forefingers are small,
don't you worry about it,"
she says to an ant.

longhaired, honeyvoiced
husky alto is the voice of
an angel, deep and moist
***** buzz like a bee

id rather have they caught me crying
than eating
in my car, broad daylight, at the jam-packed parking lot
i think i shoulda expected
maybe im just asking for it

no, im craving

for this hellhole id do anything
why would i want to escape
when all i do is chasing?

this body again, i ask
if they have more hatred for me
ive used mine up
my glass is broken but at least its full
many thanks to the world

i know no time
for me its always the same
over and over again

if i had different body would i be wanted?
if i had different mind would i be adored?
if my hands werent my own would you take it?

some days i wake up dying
the rest i dont
why am i still alive, it doesnt make sense
i hope youll understand
but no
no
i didnt say no

Waking up
To the sound of ticking clock

Who likes that sound?
That sound of you aging
That sound of nightmares
Sound of pain being drilled to your chest

A-ha! Boiled egg and HCN(l) as breakfast
Hey, hey, tell me what do you have,
What do you have? Heartache? Heartache?
Heartache?

Recall those nights you woke up
With massive headache
And forgotten nightmare

Humans are like flowers
Beautiful yet easily wither

Then I'd like to be dried
Between the pages of your favorite book

Forget me not
Remember
Remember me as the one
Who lived.

Home is far away in the future that is for me like the heart-throbbing, very-first gamble and between the most extreme and the exact opposite side. Either way I find it intriguing but at the same time I want to stay at the same time. I, I want to... stay.

I'm not saying where I struggle now is the most beautiful and pleasurable and that's why I don't want to move, although I also am not saying that it is so painfully ugly it may fit me rather perfectly. Uh-oh, none of it matters, actually.

I just shall never leave. I mean, I'm dead from now on. I am preserved nicely in a body that will grow when I swell, that will shrink when it is running out of me. And there will come a time when skin kisses bones, my, my, lovely are my bones!
Oh!


I'm fine like this. I think I'm fine like this.

guilt-trip myself, that's what i do
when i have spare time

instead i make origami cranes
pink and blue for the babies
green, for the envy
red for the heart

and i fill blank pages with emptiness
stainless ink, just like my feet
i try not to be shameful
and stay quiet like a spider

these silvers are rotting
when we eat we chew our own hands
gulping down everything
that has touched the palms

once was warm
twice stayed forever
everytime i look back i shiver
figuratively, because i have no body

there are things you do not own
but, still, you hold them dear

i can feel the pain this body is having
can it feel mine?
sometimes i wonder when we'll be able to rest
laying on the wet grass, giggling with the crickets
let the rain feel us as we break into a field of wildflowers

worthless beautiful night sky
full of stars, red and blue
perfect lemon moon
so close

pink attire, purple face
optimistic words, dry tongue and pale lips
shadow in the dark
heavy

floral fabrics
ribbons for causes
statistics
heart, heart, heart

hollow

}stop me from dying
}only you  are able to
}I  beg you, o death

my body
is a cry for
help
with hands
as full as
weekly plans
with eyes like
waterfall
in a summer
with mouth as
hopeful as
sunrise
in the rain
empty the
eye sockets
pour the
world into
them - the lover
of surfaces,
masks - the hiding
place

even amidst fierce flames the golden lotus can be planted*

to sylvia plath

dear sylvia softness i feel, firm in my bones
i stand like crooked smile my lips wear everyday
everyday, every day is madness to death, to resurrection and back to the start until you find something new
tender and kind i cannot talk, lump in my chest and head
fingernails are just as boring as eyelashes, they cannot be ugly
unless you are more than 'just sad'
i dream of a place full of rainbows and plants
dear sylvia
the smell of grass that casts darkness away
but actually it's ocean that makes the nights bearable
dear sylvia
dear sylvia saltiness made of quiet tearless cries
let's just let go
dear sylvia drown in the blue of the soul
accept the universe seeps to your flesh and drown
drown until there's nothing left to remember
dear sylvia
where the home is
that's where the home is

vi.

my catharsis, my beacon in the dark
when i walk with you
all my worries
are meaningless

no longer lost
no more aimless wandering
i know what i want to reach,
i'm very sure of what i'd like to keep

you
felt so much like home, maybe you will
always be the home where i
can feel ugly, yet have never felt so safe

dear nurses
dress me
in a hospital
gown, i want
to admit
myself to a
cold cleanliness
hygiene in the air
filling my lungs
fine,fine,fine
i'm floating on the bed
it's so bright here
i'm gonna lay forever

dear nurses feed me
meals as bland as eyes
when i see
colorful
i get bored
just watching
them, so lively
i don't have anyone to
talk to

it's amazing how
different
each voice
becomes an identity
i wanna hear too
mine,but i don't
have anyone to
talk to

dear nurses
draw my blood
tell me what is
wrong with me
dear nurses change my
underwear
sorry i dirtied
the bed sheets
dear nurses i
dear nurses why
dear nurses take me
to the garden
downstairs
i'm getting bored
just breathing
so much work
tiring
no wonder i
don't have anyone
to talk to

after the movie
we walked side by side
you reached for my hand
and asked, "why's your hand so cold?"
i got nervous around you
and i want to kiss you, but instead
of telling you that
i said, "i just washed my hands"

you chuckled
and it felt like
a smile emoji :)

you held my hand
tight enough to make me dizzy
and warm
but not long enough
to mean anything more

that night
you got a cold
i think you caught the fever
that should've been mine
but of course, it's a secret
i can't possibly tell you

but if only you let me
i will take you
to the doctor
and i will
watch you heal
because i want to
watch you heal

Your skin smells like sharpie and the third
page of my sketch book. How it glows in
the dark reminds me of this one mermaid
whose hair keeps falling. I don't know how
she isn't bald yet. She does not cry, her
milky eyes seem to be so calm yet so
immoral, pearl-like greasy beam like some
oil spills on the ocean.

You have eyes like marine birds and that is
what truly makes me afraid.

Your nose is a branch of that fig tree I
killed during the last time I was trying to
find Narcissus. I remember that that day
Echo and I cried like mermaids and from
our eyes fell pearls and we did not wonder
at all why it did not hurt. It was a good
sign, kind of good like caution wet floor.
You know how I wish I could hang it in
front of my bedroom door.

You keep biting your lips only to keep the
blood flowing. I cannot say that I have
never seen waterfall as iron as that. I only
can give you tons of salt and you can use
that on your lips at midnight or when you
wake up from a nightmare at 4 a.m.

You grow hibiscus on your throat and
every time you speak all I can hear is the
pink and yellow and red and ants.

You have breath like motion sickness and
the dusty bench in front of the library. I will
go inside and become a ****** book 'til the
rest of my life. I will stay as pure as ever
when I am burned along with the library.

Your ears sound like lullaby and world war
three. You see, history is falling asleep so
peacefully, just like Mother Teresa or
Gandhi.

Bedroom breeze, moonlit
water and late night shower.
I pray to the trees.

Thank you it's ok I don't need your help
Please don't stick to me I am fine on my own
Stop talking to me stop telling me what to do
Leave me alone I have my own way
Stop trying to pretend that you know better
Don't help me I am fine with myself
Don't help me I am fine on my own

Talking about trash and vomitting i am staring at the ceiling with my dry mouth open
I slept at three and woke up at eleven
It was a sunny morning my roommate left at seven she left the curtain open and why did not she let the window break sometimes i think of jumping but standing on height makes me want to fall to bed and hide under the blanket
I don't want to bathe and eat breakfast but i kept snacking and i wish i were that sweet tooth i haven't washed the dishes and ****** and i am thinking of
Being in a plane
Heat struck and breaking the window the wind the clouds the pressure
I don't know if i am still afraid of heights
I have never been that high enough anyway like i am on the second floor it's never high enough i think of the high buildings in the capital city but i just love her too much
I will not
I will not
I will not let them read me in newspapers
I still think about methods to die but it does not make sense anymore like i want to have bullets on my head like jesus' crown but i don't want the cold thing in my mouth i don't want my head to be a blood fountain out of the blue
I am too drained even to think of running and jumping off a cliff like it's actually dumb and not pretty and i hear that we have so much to live
We have so much to live
I didn't have my breakfast
I am too okay to think this laziness as depression i cannot blame my brain it is too okay it is too okay i am too okay i shouldn't complain
Too much
Too much i complain too much

You grow flowers out of your corpse but all i want to be is to decay into plastic and harm the earth and it's true that such a sad world we live in
I am getting you back here
Sonja i am getting you back here

You are still me
You are still me
You are still me

Welcome home

I drew a tree
but had no heart
to draw  its root
Only          pointy  leaves
disconnected from
its branches & I       started
*          *crying

"It gets better."
"I cannot see that."

"One day you would."
"But when is one day?"

When a wound heals, it doesn't immediately disappear. "It takes time."
"I run out of time."

Time is a mere man-made concept, nothing more. "Please don't say that."
"Yeah, I knew I shouldn't." Innocence is somehow socially accepted yet purity and honesty aren't.

"I hope you understand." What's said and left unsaid. They all matter and I hope you understand. I really do.
I wish you did understand. "I do. I completely understand."

Am I dancing too wild, or, do you not know what is it to be human?
Even from the first time you saw my mother's blood,
I've been man-made ever since,
I've been completely aware of it,
My whole life, it's always been plastic.
But soul resists, and brain screams,
And heart keeps the beats out of rhythm, all the time.
Strange & complex animals humans are.

on the death's face
i speak nothing of you
throughout my memories
i let you slip away
hide, hide, sweetheart
i'd pretend you never mattered
your voice i cannot hear
frequency out of range i cannot translate
row, row the boat i won't let you fall
this morbid course
you have nothing to do with

I was your baby, your stomachache,
moonlight on your hair, flower of your *******,
a curse to your womb, sweetness clotting in your veins.

I'll take you in, I've been waiting for so long.

It was August.
We both were dead, we
both were peacefully cold.

I'd never been such a soil before. I think I'll never be.

It was only an Avalokiteśvara error.
Our breath continued,
but we were no longer connected, they pulled
me out from you, they
only thought, how much of a nuisance I was to you.
And I spent my entire life to make you think the same way.

Come in, I'll make you tea.

It was always August.
You put too much sugar in our life,
oh God, don't make me tell you that.
I am sorry I don't have chairs.
Chairs are the thing to break the window, to open the door,
the thing to be kicked at 2 a.m.
I have a normal way of living, so I don't have chairs.

Would you come in?

I kept staring at your shadows.
I kept repeating your heartbeats.
I was your baby, your waking up songs,
eye of your world, crescent on your face,
an anchor to your chairs, softness wrapping your scarred hands.

Your love makes me puke
And i and my roommate keep
The bathroom *****

Bed sheet smells a lot
of detergent and menthol
It reeks of sadness

Hair falls out like the
Lady down the haiku stairs
Scattered on the ground