I will not bleed but internally
A song that seeps into me
Celebration of misery, I will not leave
Day by day, like wild grasses, like a downpour
Wind-woven, my rooted free spirit, my primal
Lover, I owe you a favor
A cleft in our head instead of our chest
I'll forgive, let you mend, just
Stay close to me and I'll stay
I'll stay close, I'll stay

for me, it has always been
an ocean, a sea, a body of
salty water. for me, it does
not matter if it's just a little
a little wave is shaking my entire being
imagine i
have to stand tall in a surfer's board, i
am drowning. i am drowning
can't save myself

so funny how i feel so small
with such a large body
how i feel powerless with
such a strong hip
how i feel empty with
out a gap between my thigh

s

for me, it has always been
the ocean, the sea, the body
of salty water. i want to wear
so little and show all skin. i
want to be seen. i want to
be all skeleton and float like a lifesaver.
but i
drown
i drown
i keep drown
ing. i drown. i am drown. drown

my complex jupiter pops
full body into
infectious night—mouth
bursting and bang
taught curtains
so the light can shine through
every cherry blossom
I

never asked
what I meant to you
before
you

pink in my watching

slip into
the miniature composition
of splotched blue—

and I know everything
in space
is finished

dear nurses
dress me
in a hospital
gown, i want
to admit
myself to a
cold cleanliness
hygiene in the air
filling my lungs
fine,fine,fine
i'm floating on the bed
it's so bright here
i'm gonna lay forever

dear nurses feed me
meals as bland as eyes
when i see
colorful
i get bored
just watching
them, so lively
i don't have anyone to
talk to

it's amazing how
different
each voice
becomes an identity
i wanna hear too
mine,but i don't
have anyone to
talk to

dear nurses
draw my blood
tell me what is
wrong with me
dear nurses change my
underwear
sorry i dirtied
the bed sheets
dear nurses i
dear nurses why
dear nurses take me
to the garden
downstairs
i'm getting bored
just breathing
so much work
tiring
no wonder i
don't have anyone
to talk to

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
warmth so overwhelming it hurts
burn so severe it eliminates everything else

i want to forget this body, this lonely
that unlawfully resides within me
in raging eternal flames, that's how
i want to be forgotten
i want to become ashes, rise again
only to burn to death again
that's how i want to forget
what it's like to have skin and bones
what it's like to disguise the skeleton with fat and cellulites

i wish i was in hell these days, burning
yet all i do is hoarding, gorging, overindulging
in this cold room of a landfill, as a lifestyle
but also no, i don't live like this
i don't live at all

i want to prove the world wrong
i want to nullify your religion
i want you to know the absolute truth

i want to burn, because coldness
is how i know hell. i want to break,
because my whole is how
i become hell

hell is all in my head
hell is all over my body
hell is penetrating my every pores
because it's gaping wide, asking for it
asking to be filled, asking for anything
asking for enlargement, asking to reduce themselves
asking to perish, forcefully, painfully, then all at once

i will walk through your door and play it cool
i will tell you i'm hurting but you can't find where
i will cry, but words fail to explain

i swear i want to say something but shame prevents me

i will walk through your door, through mine
i will lock myself up so no one can touch me ever again
i will let shame smother me and it's alright because no one will see or hear

i want to be witnessed, at least they'll see how hard i try

i am dying here, all i let out is a cry for help
it's painful and i don't know what is wrong with me
i know something is broken within but sure it's beyond any fix

when you say i don't need you should've said you can't help me

say something but shame prevents
i want to say something but shame prevents me

id rather have they caught me crying
than eating
in my car, broad daylight, at the jam-packed parking lot
i think i shoulda expected
maybe im just asking for it

no, im craving

for this hellhole id do anything
why would i want to escape
when all i do is chasing?

this body again, i ask
if they have more hatred for me
ive used mine up
my glass is broken but at least its full
many thanks to the world

i know no time
for me its always the same
over and over again

if i had different body would i be wanted?
if i had different mind would i be adored?
if my hands werent my own would you take it?

some days i wake up dying
the rest i dont
why am i still alive, it doesnt make sense
i hope youll understand
but no
no
i didnt say no