there's this chaos inside my chest
i've been astray from peace before
tonight marks the initial
there's this space i would like to fill
this line i would like to cross

i've been building emotional dam
i couldn't care less
whether it breaks or no

all my life i've been away from light
every sorrow, each void that follows
it always feels like the first time

leave me hanging
questions i don't even know is allowed
every epiphany a shooting star
it dies so soon
so soon
the hope is intellectually hopeless

i've been trying to sing the siren's lament
my throat chokes on my vocal cord
beauty
is in the eye of the beholder
but i've got none by my side
i've got none to witness my fight

i want to bleed out all the sadness
until my ****** runs out of color
and becomes clear again

i want to scrub myself like a bathroom floor
hard and rough
until all the dirt comes off
so maybe, even just for a few days,
yeah maybe i could shine

or i shouldn't shower
wait for some weeks
won't even ****
i don't want my bathroom get *****
if i have to **** i will **** on my hands
and carefully put it in the trash bin
for my landlady's turkey to eat

how i wish i could just throw away
all these dishes
and not be found out

i want the time to stop so i can rest awhile
and not just procrastinate
i want to really rest
like an unpopular mountain, like an unknown lake
i want it to be very still and silent i can hear my own blood rushing

but what if i have diarrhea
and can't **** so neatly like i always did
what if it's been a week and it won't stop
and it won't even get me skinny

i'm so homesick i order a hainanese rice
i'm so homesick i don't want to not sleep even though it's the finals week
i'm so homesick i want to drop out of school
i'm so homesick everything becomes empty and hurts

i've been collecting empty beer cans because i don't want my landlady to tell my mother that i drink

i want to dry myself in the sun but
i can't
even get out of bed to turn
on the light
don't open the window and take a nap
it's the rainy season

after the movie
we walked side by side
you reached for my hand
and asked, "why's your hand so cold?"
i got nervous around you
and i want to kiss you, but instead
of telling you that
i said, "i just washed my hands"

you chuckled
and it felt like
a smile emoji :)

you held my hand
tight enough to make me dizzy
and warm
but not long enough
to mean anything more

that night
you got a cold
i think you caught the fever
that should've been mine
but of course, it's a secret
i can't possibly tell you

but if only you let me
i will take you
to the doctor
and i will
watch you heal
because i want to
watch you heal

i am crawling to the third floor and there it is, your room
i wanted to be pure, i wanted innocent
i am melting beneath your palms like a bar of white chocolate
you know right, white looks good on you

i'm dreaming of your lips except when i'm with you
it's your eyes:
an abyss, but wholesome
i can only hold your hand and i already know how soft you are

are you gonna touch me like i am precious?
one brush and i already am so powerful
i don't want to tell you this, but
if only we dared, there'd be nothing i can't do

my body, once again, got in the way

of all the softness i can hold in my hands
this is what i seek the most

height, broken neck
i want to hit the water and be embraced
by all the cold, the harmful liquid
damage me more so i can't look at the mirror anymore

my body. it got in the way

of all the softness that i can hold in my hands
won't you stop by and say hi sometime?

this is worthless, for me to leave
i don't cut my hair, nothing has changed

i've been longing for the moment that i'm
finally neutralized

drink me like milk, i want to flow
through your tunnels
warm, smooth, and fatty
i want to find what's on the other side

i held my breath, but it's pointless
no one cares if i'm breathing anyway
see my body once again it got in the way

come, all the softness that i can hold in my hands
come, my forlorn hosanna
come to my throat and i'll drink you like milk

how dare you not have mint chocolate chip available on my birthday, do you know how many years i and my mother
wait
to have the mint chocolate chip ice cream of our life? answer me, baskin robbins

although i know her eating such sweet flavor is only a figment
i can't wish on my birthday candle
the only birthday candle i got
was from a sushi joint
mother, i didn't get a single present
not even now, not even tomorrow
i'm going to
the future with my boyfriend
he's called dean, also god, also gpa

all i want is to die
my boyfriend's real name is diploma
i wonder
if i'd ever want to date a boy
all i want is to die

answer me, baskin robbins
do you also want me to die? you've known me
for all my life
i don't remember
i don't remember
the joy of being born
mother, did i laugh when i escaped your womb? did i even smile?
you must've been aware of that
right
i want to go to a baskin robbins outlet where they have mint chocolate chip

when the throat is dry
it goes all the way to the brain
and when it shrinks it disrupts
the skull and the muscles
so i'd rather have my neck
cut off, my head plucked off

but why do i feel like
my guts will come off too?
probably for the better
if it's physically empty
we don't have to worry what to fill it with
(grapes and white bread
doesn't fill as good)

i should probably sleep
in my sleep chopping my hair off
sorry
if all i think about is sharp objects
i don't know, perhaps
i'm just worried
the scars won't fade

(missing)
even the best memories fade
what is this, birthmark?
i want to get my heart done
please, make it stop