He's like a fever dream I woke from and can barely remember
On the edge of my memory
The tiniest sliver
It's been a few months
He got lost in the blur
All I can recall are his horrendous last words

'Hey, do me a favor. If you ever feel like reaching out, don't. I'll make you hang yourself on your feelings and have you look stupid.'

That broke something so deep seeded in me
Ripped out all the good I ever thought I seen
Three and a half years deleted from my brain
Everything fading until you've been completely erased.

I'm not sure I'd call it fun for it often has me undone but I'm a writer
I could bite off my own tongue and still my silence would be sung through pen and paper
1000 stories in my mind if I could only find the time to speak my truth
This is not a simple ryhme listen as it takes hold, blossoms and explodes
This is my proof
But my words come tumbling out
spilling jumbled from my mouth in perfect chaos
I sift through the disorder
As I struggle against the borders that contain me
One day I'll find the words to explain how I see

Lost in their own message hidden among the wreckage is the importance of all the lies unknown to you

My mind interrupts my day whenever it has something to say and I can't fight it

You hold my lines in your hands
As I write between them
All of the things that I need them to say

You read the words
But don't speak their truth
They don't reverberate

It's like a film developed in the wrong light
You can see it but it doesn't look right
Or is it all the same to you

How does the building stand when her structure breaks
She wants to hold steady
But she isn't ready to hold all the weight

And there she crumbles
So you can walk away

There are monsters in the deep
That eat our secrets while we sleep
If they make it to the light
Will they betray us

Will people run away in fear
As the beast slowly appears
Or will they see the true face beneath the atrocity

All the pain so long held hidden
From relief that's been forbidden
Burdened by the weight of all its shame

Shielded from their frowns
By wearing someone else's crown
Answering only to the name that you've been gifted

He comes for her at night
His face an awful fright
Close your eyes and release him from his prison

As he ravages the town
For new secrets to be found
She wonders if her own can be forgiven

I will never have enough time or paper or energy or words to tell you everything I wanted to say to you but here’s trying..

how easy it was to sit and fill these pages
with all the words that I could never say to you
when you were still right here beside me
though never said that doesn’t make them untrue
I wish I would have said them to you
just cry it out right here on paper
even now these lines are full of doubt
grab a bottle and regret it later
we both know I’m still lying to myself about you
I never thought you’d be more than all you meant to me
I thought I had time
don’t rush in blind
I can write it all now
but I hope you knew
you have not only died one death to me
you die a little death daily
when I reach for you in the middle of the night
when I search for you in a stranger’s eyes
all I have left is behind glass and on paper
it’s your picture on the wall
not your face that I wake to
don’t take me back to times that were so easy
before life had become nothing but grieving
and giving up on harder days
I’ve become so numb that for a while I forget to hurt
but the pain always returns
I still don’t want to hear sound reason for why it happened this way
I’m sure I could’ve learned these lessons another way
I’m trying to find comfort in anything that makes me feel close to you
everyone comes into your life for a reason and we may never understand why they can’t stay
I still have the charm for the bracelet I never made you
I thought I had time
but all I have is this letter to you

Hiding behind fake smiles
Sometimes that’s all you need
Take me away to some place where I’m not so vulnerable emotionally
Goodbye high times
We weren’t living right but we were living life
And I just wanted to know I was on your mind
If that’s my crime
I’ll pay it honestly
Until we both agree that the difference was the same
But I don’t even know your name

Were we always meant to wander away
Were things not meant to stay the same
For me, for me

And I think I’ve served it well
Maybe I’ll rest in hell
Put one more nail in the coffin
Like we did so often
Thinking it wouldn’t be the last
But we can’t outrun the past
And I heard you so clearly
This is not how you live happily
Never after the dreams you had
I always wanted more for me, for me

I should’ve written when I was sober
but I couldn’t stay awake
this will haunt me when I’m older
or maybe it’s my fate
I can’t stop feeling guilty
for things that weren’t my fault
I know I’m not to blame
so why can’t I stop calling out your name
I stepped outside to see if the smoke had cleared
it still blurs my eyes
did you leave it here
to cover the tracks we made
to lose those memories to forgotten days
oh I don’t want to go back
but I can’t seem to move on without you
those words tear me apart
and I’ve tried to hide them in the dark
the moon keeps all of my secrets
so close you can feel everything
except the distance between us
too far gone to recognize
the pain we fail to realize
one day I’ll understand
why we were lost
before we could ever be found
I don’t know what day it is
I don’t think you’re here anymore
how can I wear my heart on my sleeve
when I don’t know what it beats for
all these thoughts that crowd my head
when I know it’s my demons I’m taking to bed
I had a rough night last night
and all I did was sleep
but oh all the things
your dreams can make you see
I never wanted to be wrong
I was with you all along
but the moon she keeps all of my secrets
I may never stop missing you
oh I can’t go back
and I don’t want to move on without you
but the moon keeps all of my secrets
one last goodbye
my god I still need it
but all I have is the moon
and she keeps all of my secrets