I strolled gingerly
In little pale blue socks
Around your apartment, your home
As I shifted and touched your things
I discovered a steadfast, resilient as ever
Growing and glowing by the window
Aloe vera plant
And for the first time I take a look around
See the greenery you foster.

You cuddled me in your soft sweet arms
We fell asleep for moments
You butter me with sugary pink bunny rabbits
While giving me the leverage of a leather razor blade
We speak and sing the strongest tunes
As if we were both born within trees.

Cut some lime, I brought an avocado along
I have to blink my eyes to think
He chose me.

I love to tell the story of how we met
Already, baby
We are so fresh, so communicative
Heartily artistic and smart.
I glided along in cute little stores
In a dress from the 1940s
My back revealing meaningful ink
And with the flick of my light wrist
Summoned the right clothes for you.

It felt lovely and fulfilling
You looked so brilliant in it all
And I allow myself to bring what I've got to the table.

In moments where I tread and tap into fear
I think of last year
The dark rings of faded color throughout my eyes
The veil has lifted
I've never looked around with so much coming awareness.

"What kind of **** do you like?"
I asked before you left the house
I'm full of surprising nuances and willful fight
Your arm around me
You don't feel little or small
Cute or dandy
You kiss me strong and everlasting
Like I'm a gift from god
I kiss you back with surrender
And say,
Now this

This one.
This one all makes sense.

Its okay
You can just all say it
She fits in your dynamic
Into the helm of your clad iron ship
Of blissful ignorance
Where you pass the ball only so far
It twaddles and strangles in hurdles
Of choking glass and forgotten Mezcal
I wanted so badly to be the right one
A corner, a corner
She flew like ice to the corner
Her back and long hair to me
We kept dancing, jiving

I obsessed for the rest of the night
What ever did I do?

Uptown
Babe runs back to my place
We didn't want the chicken to rot on the table
But most importantly
His wallet.
We sweat in the hot sun
But not like suddenly last summer
I watch it all convulse and seize
Away from me
And it doesn't have to hurt.

I have a bible in my backpack
The traveling bag lady bag
Another sent me for Valentine's day
Once upon a time or two ago
And my best friend couldn't be more in love
I feel genuine glee for her.

So much is happening
I've upgraded in so many ways
My life and art peeling apart at the ripe stems
Pictures stream and pass me by
As the past rears and growls in the corner
I know I have done nothing.

I suppose
You must still mourn my bones
And though it will never matter
I'm sorry.

But I'll never return.

Red eyes
Open heart
Sigh in and out
Push through
Coffee drink
Green lips
Hop the train
Give seats away

My Saturday.

She was so scared
In her plain red tee
Blue jean shorts
Looked like bitter Old Navy biddy
Long hair, unkempt
Long face, nothin' right
Sorry baby mama
I got the magic sugar
And he left you because he left you
And it ain't got nothin' to do with me
And my fluorescent hair.

She left
A girlfriend pulled me away
I danced and carried on
A new friend rubbed my palms
In between my drugged fears
Don't you see honey
Don't you see little girl

It was never me
That burned you
And your basic
Red tee
Blue short
Unkempt hair

I'm just the queen of the castle.

The ever familiar sound
Of the humming ding
Sounds just like
A mysterious newness I soaked up
In such a plentiful manner
Green hair mixed with an eager
Attitude as we cheered with red
Solo cups in hand, you were gone all summer
I planted my feet in the earth
Cried nervous resentful tears
As your body took mine
And feared what I was losing.

The same hum and ding occurs
But I ride about in the opposite way
Exploring yet another side of the multi
Faceted Chicago, I don't cry when he makes love to me
Though we move our chess pieces
About with longing hands
And we know we've got some work to do.

Veggie pancakes.
Peanut butter and jelly
I recalled soggy pasta
To you as you listened so intently

And just like that I realize
I'm on the wrong train
So I get off, disrupt the
Let's not use a pronoun because
I think maybe we might all be
More fulfilled
But I don't know
So I wait for the next train
But the right train.

I'm tired and my throat is dry
In yesterday's dress
You snore loudly and conquer me with sweet conviction
I remember thinking
Wow, Chicago public transit is spot on
The wind blowing in my hair
When I first arrived here
And honey honey, it's only been a year

Patience little one.

A ******* the train
Rubs her damp weary bangs
Grease oozing into her finger tips
Like it all might provide solutions
I feel like I've been expanding
Growing from fear and excess
I go from love to hatred
For my body, for my brain
And I know I ain't alone.

You could be the one we excitedly say
Mama and papa ruin it for me
Like they get to choose
When we decided to have a night apart
I didn't fight you on it
Cuz it's new and we learnin'
I don't get to wear eye make up tonight
I'm tired and won't be as good as a two
And made me own plans for Friday
Just because I have my own feet.

You give so much love and a listening ear
My stomachs been bothering me
I'm gonna dance so much Friday
And call you on the phone
Just to say I adore you baby.

I'm so sick of not getting paid
everyone ask if I'm making that money yet
Judge me if I regrettably say no for now
Luxuriate in what's not mine
But can't you all see I'm my own worst enemy
Gonna be late to this student film
Don't even care.


You are having a hard time today too
And it's this moment where I nod to myself and think
I'm weary and so sick of
High and mighty
I know better than you
Opinions.

So I sweat and swear
Struggle to find my transfer train
Feeling bloated and worthless
And drag myself to the next thing.

Pyramid in my hands
I hit the bowl you so carefully
Ground and gave to us
Combing my hair in the mirror
We discuss at your kitchen counter
Bar table, the finest wine I've put to my lips
Baby
New. So fresh baby
I can hear the pitter patter
Of canine foot steps
I suggest there's been so many before
Are you comfortable
You ask
As your shirt lands on
Comfortably stable and rock
Hard silicon
I give
And you give
And what's what's so different
I could spell out your name
With
The tip of my tongue
And the edge of my feminine
Pink porcelain
Covered in what was left
By the stars in our deep set
Ambitious eyes
I look so young
And you look so knowing
So I open my inner milky thighs
To your prospering love.

I carry an orange cake
On the Chicago red line
Train
Flowered 8 dollar little dress
Director kicks
A bag packed to snuggle and be with you
You said "can't wait"
And I'll send a car when you wrap.

Heart eyes
Heart eyes in my eyes.

I'm temperamental
I feel things I think
Zelda Fitzgerald
Woulda been real proud of
Floating and drifting up and down
I cater my feelings into a well
Of my own scrutiny
I cast spells and light sage
And it brings me the most peace
I've found in a long time.

I don't know where to step
In any regard
But I place my limbs on the colorful dots
With gumption
With ease
And an incomparable
Veracity.

I'm falling in love again.

Over veggies and eggs
Movie making talk
Tired eyes I worry about lines in my face
Cocooned so sweetly, so soft
In your epic generosity.

Flashbacks they come and go
In fast and slow spurts
We lie in our cream
And speak of what we have seen
You've had such a life.

You dangle like beautiful ornaments
The possibilities of our future
Not to taunt
But to so eloquently please
So I let you please me.

You use phrases that are so quotable
I admit the things I don't know
Or understand
With gentle hands you teach me to keep looking
Into the face
Of what I'm meant to do
I sit in front of my new windows
I need to buy nails
Hang a mirror or two
I feel anxious when I have time at home
But I'm such a hermit sometimes
I repair myself and prepare for battle.

I obsess over the maniacal
And the objects and folks
I cannot dare change
Always sticking my neck out
To try and have it go my way
I've got much to do, much to do
A thing or two
You touch and teach me
More than a thing or two

I watch the past die in embers and flames
It can't lift its head
I marked out days with ink
Religiously slept alone
Mama said she prayed
And I look at you and I think

I've wanted you for so long

And here you are.

It's 12:22am
An examination of the city lights hitting my windows
Cocktails that tasted like free Friday nights
We take pictures in the welcoming sun
I plot and plan how to make it happen

You grabbed my arm so gently as I left
And wished me luck on my set
So grounded and loyal
You said just now that you missed me already
Picking me apart in the crowd
Like I was breathed into this room
To be with you
And not in condemnation
But like that feeling
I always longed and cried for
As a lost little girl
Longing for her prince to come.

Calm.
Tender like the sea
You take such good care of me
Lay, please don't fear darling
I know my fangs seem stained with what could be and what I've seen
I hope you aren't like the rest
Or the past
I sit next to you and ponder questions
I'm hesitant to ask
As you kiss me like
A china doll
Never worth shattering.

I guess I should just admit
I'm still so angry.

5 months of silence from me
I drew a picture in the sand
That looked like me in solitude
I breathe and echo out music
Trapping it in little cages
That look just like what I saw
And fingered with eager limbs before.

Delete. Block. Shut out.
Triggering, its all so triggering.

I'm easily sad.

A swift smooth car awaited me outside
At exactly 9pm
It would have taken me 50 minutes to get to you by train
If you had not sang my name
But I don't know what your
Vocals sound like just yet.

It's so new
It's different
We wanna hymn
I'll apologize for my expensive
Reckless wit
My best friend can't wait to swim
In my pool with me
And I lean in hard and strong
Let's keep the jumping
Swift, kick
The world needs it
I'm good at hanging with all the boys.

I've got dinner for us and two bottles of red
A pang hit me like sweet tomorrow
It's in my most ****** moments
I still recover
From how I revealed my darkness
To you and you ate it like
Eggs on toast
Or soggy pasta
And I hated staying in your bed.

Mama gotta wake me up
With who she thinks I should be
But can't you see mama
I've got so much courageous venom
I reach not with not knowing who it is
I am
But with the need to hand my heart away.

Everyone at works thinks I look so young
But I've seen a lot
You drove me around on the grocery store cart
Made of saliva and clay
You say you wanna bring me everywhere
And I believe you.

I remember forest eyes
And how I too, worry no one good enough
I pass by my old work place
And remember how you tried
But cannot lock eyes with your demons

"I'm just so happy you exist"
I'm so little and small
In your arms
Not because you want to control my limbs
Or hang me on your shelf
I've been there and seen it all
But we bounce the ball back
And sometimes I want to wail with all the things I feel at once
Like fire drowning in quiet confetti
You tasted just like sultry lobster
And the next chapter.

Let's just eat pasta
Have some red wine
And love the present.

I didn't even say bye
Or look nostalgically
At my room one last time
Just now
Because it's with relief
I go.

My producer bailed
I've poured coffee into my crotch
Twice now
I just realized I left my dress for tonight at home

But it's all just life
And the list goes on
But I sit at a table
This is just the beginning
Allow yourself to experience
Happiness.

I looked at all your old photographs
Went back enough in time to see what I could discover
I must admit I have been looking for bones
Some ****** rags
I pose for pictures
You text me on the phone
We respond and light fires in such a vast
Tropical concrete field
And I worry I'm too little
Too young
What if I haven't lived enough
As we seep our sushi in soy sauce
You can't eat much dairy
But have me order dessert anyway
The way your lips with gentle command
Urge mine to open
Close
And spread again
With experience
With a new kind of love.

You called me babe twice today on the phone
As you help push me out the door
And into the world I chip away at
With a hammer and
A chainsaw slung on my back
You place your hands over mine
Not to make me forget
But to give the compassion
And care.

Its about that time
About that time to give it a chance again
"AIGHT WELL HERE WE ARE"
I'll never forget that text
And how it made my heart leap
The hostess kept referring to us as
"okay you two"
Twinkle twinkle twinkle
And I didn't even know
If you wanted to touch my hand.

I watched with careful quiet eyes
As you taped and boxed up my past
Gave advice on how to organize
Laughed with me at old trinkets
Urged me to take your nicer cheese grater
Advised on where to take my dad for dinner
Ended the night by looking back more
Than once
At me
As you left the door.

I felt so skeptical today
'Cuz you really might could be
It.

And I know I've said it before
With lemon chops or goose laid eggs
My love poetry is the best
But theres no real fear in this
No scrutiny or the need to hang so tightly on
I feared losing my cell phone
Because I knew those boys would so soon be gone.
You give real wisdom instead of fulfill with fake words
Or cynical sweet nothings
When I feel dismissed or young
Because you invest
And I think I could too.

Its a Friday night
And I chose to come relish in my last moments
In this little but yet so big
Room thats fully taken on so much.

I think back on it now
With that sweet nostalgia
I get so deeply caught up in
With earnest masochism
And the innate desire
To keep kicking up my heels
And get my **** together
I seem to echo in tandem
With those that pick and seek
Simplistic but belting desires
From me
And really, the not so little
Or big
I have to give.

This time last year
A great betrayal occurred
I'll never forget my hysteria over the phone
That was not my own
I called you in such a panic
My darling, I didn't mean for that to happen
Pacing in West Avondale
I had to go be on set in a matter of minutes
And I wept, for fear I had ruined
What I thought might be us.

And I find myself standing now
In little bo-peep pink with a glass of white wine in my hand
My soon to not be room mate seems disheartened
That everyone already knows me
And we jest but really we mean it and say
He's clearly
Just so gay.

I had a little tick in the pit of my stomach
Papa and I got so sweaty in the hot sun
A new bright, brave, strong man
Wraps his arm around me amid what we think to be
Honeysuckles and he teaches me a thing or two
About what I know
But he brings a new sense of wisdom
And I cutely tell him
I like your brain.

I decided to stay away tonight
After much debate
Its my last moments here after all
4 different parties to attend
I say no thank you to them all
Tonight
Burn some sage
Make sure I'm ready
But you're never fully ready

But I stare out my new windows
Am greeted in the elevator
Buy some cute bar stools
Mama told me to walk away
And never look back.

I paced in a long blue dress
The night before
Black
Felt so alive to be everyone's ***** on a film set
And now its me who gives the orders.

This is perhaps
The last time I will write in front of this
Little window
Thats seen and heard so much.

A pink dress
An inked knee.

Its in the forgetting
Just go baby girl.
Just go
I know you got so much to say
But its all within you
Always
Now fly.

Are we gonna get to a point
Baby, angel, love bug, love
Pet names encircle the wreath around my neck
Like I got private and intimate things to say
But with uncurling fingers they whimper and reach
Outstretched intertwined with my own self wit, reassurance
My room is a battlefield.

Boxes piled high
We snorted ******* laughing and carrying on into the night
Play and hum that Kid Cudi sweet goo louder
We wanna drop our backs and our shoulders
I tell my brothers and my sisters
I got ****** and played the harmonica
In the golden south.

My eyes are glazed over and weary
Hand that bottle of serotonin over
Not enough smoothies to give me heaven
Wanna play and frolic in the sun
But with heavy leaded pencils
I mark spots and electricity pox
Like all the times I threw the letter
"Z"
Ripped a tear right through your face
And waved goodbye along with the fruit flies
You must say "Forever ever. Forever ever"
At long last.

But I can't teach a class
With my slenderness and blonde demure
I wish my ******* were bigger
But thats part of my charm
I echo slate and bohemian sculpted lines of
Multicolored witty *** chalk.

You work today, training day 2
We best friends, we mean everything
I got this big meeting tonight, Wednesday too
I don't know what my future look like
But you say standin' outside it look hella successful
Mondays, oh Mondays.

I have to pack some more now
And gaze out the window wishing my teeth were sharper
On this lean Tuesday
I hope you're surviving the post
******* and Maple whiskey,
Ride.

That moment where you are wildly attracted to someone

But you sit on your hands and lead with your brain.

The thing is.
I'm really, very good
At being by myself.

I'll never forget that wild sense
Of freedom, like the red seas parting
The first time I traveled alone
At age 17.

Just like
When you came back
I cried. Your limbs on top of me
Freedom and my own identity
Ripped from
Me.

They wrote about me in my schools newspaper
Before my soon to be college boyfriend
And I dramatically parted ways
That I would be by your side
In Greenwich Village
Selling YOUR art.

I found a note
It said your name twice
I write storylines on notecards now
No need to reassure myself

Because I stand and waft in the wind
So well, so good on my own.

And there are people
That never ever experience this feeling
Of total and complete aloneness
That I have taken a liking to
Claiming it as my hiatus
A willful strength that echoes
It will come to be in time
In time
In time.

I want so much
I wanna do so much
My body lingers and yelps
Plentiful urges
And I board the plane alone
'Cuz I'm so good at it.

So don't tell me mama or whomever
That I'll meet a handsome man
I don't ******* care
It just will be

But I love me.
And that's all I really need.

Sometimes the oppression
Is so vast and quietly deep
That I have to excuse myself
To go revive myself in the sun.

I said I wouldn't write about you just yet
And I won't.

Another. A face, celebrate
Its the last night of your show
Like mint candies hung around my neck
I found a new appreciation for the greenery
Tripping acid will do that to you.

I see things in a way
That was there before
But even more imaginative, free
I'll never forget
The closing in of the darkness
And the way my body looked outside
My skull 3 times its size.

I'm tired
For once, I feel tired
I have grown restless
In this place that oppresses with its perfection
I'm so use to hitting the pavement
And so scared of what I must do
Just don't let me return
With a pink garter on
The final night I saw myself
And knew I'd gone too far
But it got your attention.

It got your attention
As you parade and hide from your innermost truth
I admitted today
I can no longer hide and settle
Wear my sleeveless green dress
As you oohed and oozed
Where do you go when all is lost?

A sense of lightness, release
I no longer bury myself in the ground
For what I cannot control
But I do wonder
Do I flicker through your mind, at times?

He said my name twice
The ex who left me for dead
Because he was too much of a mess
And I don't know what anything will look like
But I found an old ripped up note
Where I was reassuring myself of the love with another
Who is now married
And not to me.

And I thought the other day
Thank god,
He was always, really
Pretty mean
And abundantly controlling.

A key and mirror facing my chest
A picture I drew long ago
It looks like me now.

I should have written more
I should have outlined more
This this this this this this this this
I miss every bit of everything I don't have

You must be asleep.
Perhaps you will greet me in the morning

But for now
I just really need opportunities
So why wait.

So you're 38
I'm twen--ty
Five.

That makes you
(draws x's and o's)
(throws stones)
Hopscotch
Hula hoop
Juggle my own pearls
13? 14?
Years older
Than lil ole me.

Its cute
They all bite at once like heated piranhas
And its always at exactly that moment
That I'm not
Hunting with my pitchfork
And knife.

A ring leader, second guess beat her
I hear the chimes and the chants
Can't seem to quite forget
A corridor of the boys I dated before
Diamond rings on other girls hands
I address my self with love letters
And my ex boyfriend whimpered and cooed my name
In-between calling me vain.

Hush little one, hush little one.

Don't be asleep
Don't be asleep yet
A man chanted and spoke of evil
I watched him only to grow bored
His voice frighteningly loud
He rang and sang of Satan
And the tree that gave us all our demented fate
And I just thought
I thought
You must have wanted to be a broadway star, sir.

I have so much more to say
But I'll start again.

I can't write about you just yet

Because what would it mean?

But here I am.
Writing about you
Like I'm Nancy Drew
But there are no riddles or crimes to solve.

And then it occurred to me
That in a number of ways
Human beings, experiences
They're all mile markers
Touch stones
Chapters
Of what was, is, and perhaps
Will be.

Todays my last day
In bama town
And I'm sad and glad about it.

I watched my father bat
My eyeballs like never ending camera lenses
He's the most successful
And possibly fulfilled
He's ever been.

I asked him on the way home
In his perfect bat mobile convertible
"Do you ever look back and remember when you first started out and how hard that was?"
And he told me a tale of how it was.
And advised me on it again later
As I read, wrote notes, and taught my little brothers dog
How to jump and swim in the pool


Without fear.

And I wrote, fiddled
Became more passionate about the music I was listening to
Or the text messages I was sending

And realized
After reading and watching
Reading and watching
Worrying and fearing
Procrastinating
Hows this one gonna happen
Dollar bills piling up high
Placing a pause on life
Reading and watching
Observing and existing
Listening and savoring
I'm just figuring out what my process as a screenwriter is.

I'm very ****** while watching The West Wing
So many quick witted white people

I don't know what I want
But I don't think its you my darling.

Gimmie that
Red, white, and blue
Guess ******* who
Sling and grenades on our backs
Hold down my hat
Dress her all up in white
He got his tie on
We gonna perform a lap dance
With our tinsels and our tongue.

Homeboy he so sweet, got me on repeat
If I could throw down all the safety nets
We wouldn't quit just yet
My nails long and strong
But I fear all the fuckboys doin' me wrong

We gonna
We gonna get
We gonna get married
I look so good, so sweet
Standing off to the side while you on stage
Kissed ya full on the lips
The night my movie dropped
Pop, pop goes the weasel
Our brains combined
Could create the best
Love child
But baby you my best friend, would create
Mayhem with or without you
But please don't go that way
Don't want you to ever not stay
And if we play this game
It might turn out that way.

I smoked some **** after we got off the phone
Drown myself in peanut butter
Got that writers block
At times I do, I think I'm just a thot
But we promise hugs galore
I would pray but I don't believe in God much
So I let my spirituality sweet sun rise
Kingdom, thinkin' and speakin'
Praises to the dirt, the earth, the sky
Make me new, make me new.

Its true, I do love you
But it can't be like that
No, it can't be like that
You ain't evil
But I got witches brew
Reply back with your rhymes and reason
If you brave.

Is there something about our ladies
That makes us so easy to throw away
Particularly when we hit a certain age
Fork and knife
You chose this life
You've got all the treasures
But so much oppressed anger, mama.

I drink coffee
My hair gets turned real blonde
Mama said don't do green
I mutter let me be me
A man in Shashys
Asked me what my symbols on my arm mean
He called me a movie star before he asked
The sunburn on me
A featured mistake
And we've got all these humans
Wanting to be a different ***

I use to scratch my head and wonder
And still do at times
Why would you ever
Want to be what the world considers
Rapeable.
Unworthy.
Only valuable when young
Virginal
A woman.

I ran out of ink
For the time being
A well run dry, critical eyes
Floating to a punching sensation
I search through my childhood room looking for answers.

I found a photograph of me from behind
Age 14.
The day I was groped
By a stranger
I would later recognize
At age 25.

I got really ****** tonight
For the first time in several days
Uncovering photo after photo
Of these fantastical beings I had dreamed up
It was my thing
My world, my refuge
Writing and drawing the pristine white south away.

I don't know where to go from here
I thought I would have more answers
But I see now why its hard after you drop
Your first big
Shot
To then return to the drawing board
Wanting to level up, create, dream
And you think
You just think
How will I go at this all over again?

You just will little bad *****.

17.
The age I started driving
Had platinum hair
I owned a 2004 red Jetta
Won an abundance of awards
And gave me everything to every bit of it all
And had so little awareness for the world outside
The deep southern walls.

Got off the phone
With the Beautiful Innovator
He's gotta couch surf, live the free rent life
Move out of his safe, creative space
His voice strong but wavering
In poetic facts
The trauma of the weekend combing
With the twists and turns of familial life or death
Money to pay rent, save a life
Fronting money, fronting money
He cupped and created opportunity
With his bare long ringed hands
I listen to him speak
And provide my constant ear
He said I'm sorry to lay all of this at your feet
Surprised by my patience
Others were overwhelmed and didn't know what to say
He said.

I close my eyes between moments
My chest becoming tight
Worrying and fearing for all my people
Signs up in the air, I watch their live steams
Screaming in the faces of police officers
We all feel so wrong
So many lost
How do we make it stop?

I didn't mean to say visibility wasn't important
But theres just gotta be another way my love.

17 people arrested
Since the moment I left the Illinois state
And at times I think on this big hunk of urban concrete
And see it for what it really is.

I don't know what to do my with privilege
Things change so quickly and on such a dime
Little brother shows me evidence
Those 17 must have been violent
A list from CNN of how cops were wounded
I mark my eyes out silently with x's
Tell Beautiful Innovator to be safe, to keep level headed
So many looking to you, brother love.

What has to change?
What can we do to change it?
The numbers ebb in waves like pixie sticks
****** down tubes by those far more innocent
Just wanna feel good, positive
I say I love you often now

Officers have pretty bad judgement
Officers have pretty bad judgement
Officers have pretty bad judgement
Shot down
Shot down
Shot down
I cannot watch the videos.

I should be editing my essay about baking
Book that gig
But all I can think about is you
And our loved ones
Out there with your braided hair and colorful shirts
My God, be safe.

I got caught in-between
An argument about tv
An engaged couple, she’s got a big rock on her finger
I giggled and giggled at my large sunday
I didn’t wear a bra all day
My thin limbs, mama point out the bones around my collarbone
Papa and I sit side by side, we get our work done
Everything so material here
Everything so flashy and fried here
I rode in the back of the pick up truck
Absorbed the quarter moon, my mama called it
“Can’t you put that away and just relax?”

I left my phone in my room all day
Its so good to escape
But it lasts for only so long
One of my best friends, she severs her love
Lost it to drugs
And a man that would rather get high
Than choose her.

Its a choice we have
To actively choose each other
I sit as a witness
To cute arguments about what tv show they prefer to watch
Or how a certain kind of ice-cream is so __’s ”thing”
And its adorable to watch
My eyes don’t roll, I’m supportive
As my mother tries to marry me off jokingly to the guitarist on television
For the first time in my life
I don’t look. I don’t hunt. I don’t search.
I just exist with as much as I’ve currently got.

Because I know.

Your review appeared twice on my news feed today
Among all the threat, the fear
The hopeful love discovered the next day
My best friend and I sing
Action. Then peace.

I couldn’t help but look
I’m sure you looked too, when it was my turn
I contemplated in the shower
If it was time to de-friend your mother
And I have to just ask again
How can you cheat?
How can you wring women like sopping wet towels
Out to dry like thrown away rags
When theres so much blood shed, so much hurting
All around us
And you can’t seem
To truly give the love
You mean.

First and last date
You hung me up on your wall like a taxidermy
I knew it would happen all along
But as we walked in opposite directions in West Avondale
I wrote poetics of keeping it little, light
I wonder what remains of me to you now
And I wish I could paint in the skull of your mildew room
“Yeah. He was really trying to be so good wasn’t he.”

Does it help to forget?
Does it help to repeat your patterns?
And then I’ll want so deeply
To give you just a ghastly amount of love
Because thats the worst and most damaging weapon
But I did, I gave it all
And yet you still
But it wasn’t me
It wasn’t me
It wasn’t me
You must just really loathe yourself
Little Peter Pan.

I have a hard time sleeping
These days
And a hard time waking up.

I find myself better off in the in-between state
But theres never enough coffee
To keep me properly humming, positive
As droplets of a series of events
Cuff my ankles to the ground
Inhaling and exhaling
I reach out, my hands extended
Theres so much blood
Theres so much beating
Theres so much shooting.

My dear friends
I see it affect them like dust in their livers
Little brother can’t quite understand
The white folk around me, they don’t know
I grow and become more cultured
The longer I lived
I hit the pavements with what they would call
Exotic folk
I call my best friends, my allies, my loves.

But you can’t know
What you don’t experience.

How can we change the ways of the world
If i dipped my fingers into the blackest paint
Smeared it all across blue collared sweat stains
Would they better understand?

Text rolls and scrolls so casually
Listing off all the killings like a to do list
People hold their faces in their hands
I scroll through tears welling in my eyes
I can’t watch the videos. I can’t witness the camera angles
Red seeping into our 6am news
She lost her lover, her partner
He gave it his all, what so wrong with protection
What are you so afraid of?
What are you so frightened of at night?
Are we killing our own for fear of ourselves?

Your rap group popped up and hummed a sweet tune
I admire you with my camera lens from afar
Contemplate how to make this or that with you
I know your heart is aching, I wish I could take away the pain
But just know I feel it so deeply right with you
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth
A waitress pours me coffee
Her hair long and braided
One red eye swollen
She calls me m’am and I think of my very white privilege
We both tick time by at the airport
But I go through the quick security check
I don’t even have to remove my laptop from my bag
Because I was born with the power to speed through.
Sometimes I hate myself, my race, my everything
And I think aren’t I just so lucky?
In the cruelest self loathing way
Aren’t I just so especially not special
But ever since I could open my eyes
I’ve known that silver spoon would drop from my lips
So that I could dip into the crevices
And hand it to others.

We have the opportunity and the ability
If we so choose to give our utmost
Even on the days where every meeting, encounter feels tirelessly endless
The tunnel vision mindset closing in on us
I think about my bright blonde hair
Aryan features
And the skin on my back that holds the deepest secrets
Of love making—chosen and forced upon
By those with their own vicious desires
Or how we as a modern society
Lynch those we fear
To be more powerful
Gunning them down
Gunning us down
I feel it like a deep shock to my spine
And sometimes I look around
And imagine the darkness take place
Like the constant movie in my mind
Like red oozing in the snowy ground
Or the time I went through an acting exercise
And fought back.

I feel for you today.
Tomorrow.
Yesterday.
2 years from now.
You are not alone
Your fight is not unnoticed
I hold in the palm of my hand, the moments I reach out
Releasing the rotten fruit that tricked me into oblivion
Because yes, I’ve got a silver spoon
Bright blonde hair
Vivid aryan looks
But my heart so innately pounds
With the blood of all my brothers.
All of my sisters.
All of man kind.

I know not what to do with these deep rich feelings
It wears and shows on in my furrowed brow
And tired eyes
So I ponder, write, and contemplate
And give and exchange poetic words of love
In the mean time.


All of my sisters.
All of my brothers.
All of my flesh
Skin of your skin
Heart of your heart.

We're hiding behind catching Pokemon
Because we can't face the truth of what's happening outside our closed doors.

Dear Lyft driver,

I don't wanna talk today
About what I do
Who I am
This morning. At 6am
Let me listen to my music
The headphones in my ears
Answering questions
With feeling
And let me just be
Incognito
Thank you for the interest white man
But let me be.

Washed my ink
Dotted my i's my t's
Gave lots of love before leaving
Life is too fickle, too short
Not to give it all away
Delta delta let's fly away.

A sense of newfound answers
Contentment
The past at last
Reared one final breath
And now with peace
I can curtesy and keep on.

We arrive
Checked in
Time to go little one
Who is beautiful
So beautiful
With no make up on.

I've gotta be up in mere hours
Felt this deep desire to reach out
Give love to those I could and would
Life is too short not to open the palms of your hands.

A haze full of realization
Guacamole, cool so down not to pay for it
A spirit in the air full of what could be
An army of ever growing women
With long eloquent capes
Stand next to me cooing: begin, transcend, fight through.

I should be asleep
Waste time on the internet
So much to write and say
So much to write and say
So much to write and say
Laying fear of what it is
What it wasn't
Release.

I need not force or focus on changes
They just will.

There's so much pain in the world
And you can't even be faithful.

Isn't it funny to think and recognize
That there are no real rules
Other than to give goodness, walk away from badness
But do, stand your ground. Your guts.

You and me
We have the opportunity to make this
What we want of it
No matter our circumstance
Or financial umbilical cord
Theres truly no road map
No guidelines
Just freedom.

We lived it out
Gave it our best shot
"I use to get so caught up in her contradictions"
Watching through footage like I might discover something
I've been peering into the past
The last few days
Because I think I might understand now.

Its nothing new
Nothing I haven't been told 20 times over
But for the first time
I can look and think on you
See that your rage stems from the inner hurt
I was so much more than we could be.

It was in the moments
Where we secretly held hands underneath
Scrambled eggs
Or how you grabbed me late into the night
"Do you know how much I love you?"
"I wish you could see you the way I see you."
I fell in love with how I thought you saw me.

It wasn't you
Or what we had
It was in the belief
That I might could be so treasured at the right time.

So I jumped in
I watched it through
I held a slate and yelled action
You were the most nervous of them all.

I see you now for what you really are and were
And still, I would sit across from you
Extend my hand
And give you nothing but love.

It makes me scratch my head
That you had to do what you did
My best friend says you don't think
You just do
And thats what severs and killed us to death.

That will never change
I put on a pair of spectacles
Thinking I might could orchestrate
How to indicate to you
That I deserved better.

Its weird to think
That this place was sort of yours too
That I was yours
I made it feel good, didn't I?

And thats the rhyme and reason
Why you cannot bare to see even the image
Of my face.

I saw on Instagram
That your new girlfriend
Is single now
She hashtagged single
How did it feel to deny every inch?

I forgive you in my head
Somewhere, somehow
As stupid girls say you are good
They only have their best interest at heart.

But I nod and move on
Upgrading my life with tenacity
Those around me voice a congratulatory worry
But if I don't jump in and just live it
Then I'm just dreaming.

And thats what separates me from among
And within.

I dated my cellphone
This time last year
So yes, I can sing and say
I'm just distrusting and wary.

But the forest floor
Reassured me with abundance
I needn't suffer
Or focus on a lacking of love
Its all around me
Its all around me
Among and within.

Its healing to write
So thats why I do it
My production designer writes a new script
She told me she used my film as a template
And she's slowly been erasing it
And it made my heart pump
A little harder.

I don't know
But thats not entirely true
Yes I do.

Perhaps in time
We can nod in a kind way
A fear bites into my head, my mind
At the thought of hearing your name a thousand more times
Or how my hands must go behind my back
The moment we lay our eyes on each other
But I see you as you really are
A miniture diminutive experience
That welcomed me in purple shorts and a yellow shirt
And all the while

I knew.
I just knew.
So thank you for teaching me a thing or too
And I trust me now.

I've got coconut oil on my face
Sometimes its easiest
To start by stating the obvious
You sent me some sweet tulips
That were fresh from the garden
Picked apart by decipherable content
If I tried to comb your hair
I'd tend to each knot.

We kick up the dust with our heels
In this nation we so seek to change
But we are careful and clever
With our rock steady gaze
I compared us to oceans
What seems like the other day
But really was just the night
I almost knocked you down with
The door that no longer swung
On its hinges or buzzed
As an element of the pavement.

That door, I seem to be holding within
My soul my ever whisper
I could wake up next to you
In your black bed
See how the shadows hit you so eloquently
My lips not kissing yours
For fear of a surrender that might
Cover us all up in pitiful red damage
So I hug and give love
Because I do, love you.

I thought this looked like the inside of your head
For a moment there I thought we might develop in time
That you might wake up one day
And just choose me
But as time echoes and creeks
We both look away from the news in unison
You make the raps
I'll capture it with my eyes.

And thats whats here
Thats whats at stake
You looked so beautiful
Lights exploding behind you
I voice recorded so much
Because if I could I would bury it all in a hand basket
Trying to capture and save the rawness
That we see through our binoculars.

I'm sorry that a gloom surrounds you
I see it cough up venom
With nimble hands I fight it off for us
But we are no us
As you entangle us with words and love
I always wanted you to write about me.

I didn't mean to leave to hurt you
Its just what I do.
For now.

Whiskey faded me all day
Still feeling like a bucket of possibility
You are at your best when covered
In splatter paint.

I looked my DNA back up tonight
I spit in a tube because I wanted answers
I discovered a message from a man named Eugene Jackson
Our trees align
He's a strong black man.

I don't know what I'm made up of
As folk deny we're all interconnected
All breathing one vivid breath
We shiver and we quiver
'Cuz you know what we gotta do.

Just turn it into art.

Theres this woman
In my life
That fancies herself a butterfly
A butterfly with tattered skeptical wings
Landing on me
Only to surprisingly
**** the blood of angels
And fly away, fancying herself
More pivotal.

But the truth
Is that this butterfly
Flies remote with toxicity
Her skepticism and nerves
A broken down olive branch
That ***** and breaks me down
She wants to think she is as light as the wind
But those boxes of ice-cream add up.

I slither and fly my own way
Don't you see how you wound?
Don't you see how you shove?
And that the faces around you grow long and weary
Until at last,
They disappear.
Wondering if someday
She will realize the parallels
Of the lead protagonist flying her own way
Don't you see?
Don't you see there is so much truth in that
My temper rising, blood boiling
I retreat to my room
Not my best version of myself
Lock the door, thats the only way I can score
And leap back into the junctures
That allow me to be happy, free.

I'm not sure what happened to her
Why she wears doubt and insecurity like a seat belt
But I've hollered in colorful glimmers
Enough is just enough.

She's hurt, she feels so abandoned
But little girl I ain't yo mama
Or your boyfriend
I went from comforting to anger so quickly
And thats the tea thats been spilt
I would like my own tea *** now.

You cannot save anyone
I offered to spend time before I'm gone for 9 days
I saw your face cross with worry
Or all the meetings I have this week
As you seek to jump in, leech onto what I've got
But your nature is insufferable
I paint portraits detailing it to those that can listen
Fireworks will explode in the sky once more today
I hope you eventually find your own way
You tainted butterfly.

I'm the girl
Who holds a fistful of ice-cream
Melting and savory
I waited for about 45 minutes to taste the coconut
The rich chocolate
I kiss a girlfriends forehead
As she cuddles up next to me
And dares jump and leap over the wall
Entitled
"Where the weak fear to tread."
I burn sage, a piece of palo wood
A script read, decipher and advise
I eat the remainder of the ice-cream
Alone in my room, my appetite for wit
For socialization, heart
Always thumping a thump thump.

I've gotten quite good
At standing on my own two feet
My feet planted into the earth
I'm not scared or fearful
To take the world on my own
But I must admit
I so long and hope
That another fistful of melting ice-cream
Will reside next to my side
In time.

We exchange and discuss
The meaning of the Women Of The Now
Picture frame
A big gesture of missing Philadelphia just hit me
And I look around my Chicago room
Its true
I'll always be a bohemian.

I'm the girl
Who listens and quakes
Not with a hurry
But with such innate desire
I reveal only to those I feel truly listen
And my best friend told me today
"Really. You're doing great."

I remember being 12 years old
My first kiss
His name was Chandlier Hart.
He has a child now.

I'm the girl
Who doesn't know where this path leads
But finds peace of mind
As each day unfolds
As each tizzy rolls away like a mound of hay
I touch and linger in the roots of the rich life
I've lead with my little blonde head
My face tan and experienced

'Cuz I'm the girl
Who built her own castle
'Cuz I always said I would.

I had a thought
That whimpered and cooed
Like butterfly wings on fire
Of the day we had free
And I proposed
Lets run away, adventure
Into the garden.

Only to then return with a camera in my hands
And you so badly wanted to understand
But made me feel so neglected and cheated in the end.
I want to think and hope
That my days of your name leaving my lips
Crossing my mind
Blurring from my fingertips
Are over
As I schedule and book a flight to return
To the deep south
This Friday.

July 20th
You bought us tickets
So in advance
You were a planner about the most
Trite things
As though we had to book mark
A keep sake full of rotten dust
Pock marks and the love
That crumbled and gave all its loss.

My favorite moment
Look back now
Would have to be the coffee filtered frog
And how you tried and gave up.

I sit in the grass
Discuss the goodness and the perils
Highlighting the moments we ought to share
Another lady love plans to come
Find a safe place to stay for a few hours
She writes and ducks under street lamps
Bracelets adorn my wrist
As I breathe out your name.

Not in a sensual way
I heard you love her
But you must still love me more.

I wonder if we will ever make peace
I contemplate cards shuffling
Lining up like little knives or wives
I'm still so hung over.

Happy Fourth Of July
Life was so different this time last year
I get back in touch with the lamb
That was so eager, so free
Allow the bitterness to pass
I'm not afraid to be out on my own.

Burn sage
Woodland creatures encircle the town
I give it my all.

So I found out the truth
Avoided asking for lights and sounds
Ran away to to bathroom
To repeat and let go of the drowning
Of that facts that linger and echo
"He doesn't hate you."
She said.
You are trying to be good
Forget me, get me out of your head
You admitted that you couldn't stand
To see my face or admit that you
Replaced me with such haste
I wonder when one day
You will look into the mirror and say
It was truly me
That drove her away.

You set me free
Without meaning to err
Now the woman sleeps in your bed
With an abundance of hair
And I jot poetry
Down on the toilet in my restaraunts
Stall
Because I guess I did just have to know
And was prepared for just a yes or no.

Perhaps in time
You will be able to nod without
Mischief and pain
But those days are not today
As you waiver in the wind
Forget my grin
Or how I use to always say
I'm gonna go my own way.

I love you forever
And the way you left me in the dust
Was tragic and meant to be
But I know you don't hate me
It's just my absence you can't stand
But you asked for it with open hands

So I left and left and left and left
With a lingering long kiss
Cuz that's what I do
I leave my mark.

I've gotten to this peculiar place now
Where I almost always prefer my own company
"My own sweet company"
I once wrote, roses budding from my cheeks
When I was learning to rinse & repeat
Perhaps its the over stimuli from the forest
But I get to a certain point these days
Where I am so overly exhausted by human interaction
That a pint of ice cream sits next to me tonight
As I write, submit, think
Prepare for tomorrow.

Theres something about the summer
Thats always a little bizarre
Otherworldly
This time around I don't slap faces
Or kiss those I shouldn't kiss
And it makes me close my eyes for a second
As I remember
As I remember
And I shudder and release it.

Long blue dress
Hair up in braids
I ran around with my camera
You urged me to stay
On the phone
Walking in circles
In West Avondale
Sometimes I feel the urge to text you
Only to just say
Why do you hate me so much?

But I don't.
Because your answer wouldn't do me any good
It wouldn't shut the clasp closed around my neck
That hangs by the thread of
Ashamed I got tricked
But what a vulnerable state
I crammed myself full of convincing tunes
I know you must remember
Doesn't it make your heart sick?

I don't want to do any of the things I have to do
I'm always so tired
Lounge in bed all day
Eat ice cream and forget
The forgetful things that hurt me along the way
I bottle up my fear, worried it might come back to bite me
But the summer air feels so good
I think back to who I was this time last year.

She's gone now.
Her hair was also several colors
She was scared to take the bus
She had a small group of friends
(who she would soon enough hold dear, but fly away from)
She slept on an air mattress
Her room glimmered in large windows
She was the new girl
And she gave it all she had.

I'm not the new girl anymore.
I don't waste my time pretending
(I try not to)
I could list and list the differences
But I'm too tired to.

But just know
Just know, dear sweet self

Ya done good.
Really.

I bit my bottom lip
On some corn on the cob
Smothered some coconut oil in my hair
My phone chiming and humming away
A new man coos my name
But he is states and career miles away.

Its so good to be home
Though a car alarm periodically goes off and on
I didn't step foot outside
Until approximately 7pm
Couldn't run, walked and talked
To myself, self love, self comfort
I remember so vividly the fog that surrounded me
The gloominess of the dark haze
As I watched your white tennis shoes
Walk away.

You have been on my mind today
As you proceed to walk in circles
Ask everyone but me, how it went
I talked to my mother on the phone for over an hour
Unpacking from the soil, the immense green leaves
And how I so hoped to lead with an open heart
And come back with a cleansed soul.

I see and feel in my bones
That I've experienced a capsule whole of a moment
Intimate, difficult, challenging, visceral, and cathartic
All ending in one big swoop of a wet summer kiss
I'll always remember how good it felt
As your lips devoured mine
And the way we both swallowed the lumps in our throats
And sighed
As we stared into each others eyes
Engulfing each new moment, each new trinket
Talk about refreshing.

And like the catapult of my mind
I remember for the millionth time
How this time last year I convinced myself
With such astute demeanor
That you could possibly be the one
My hair a home cooked colorful meal
I spent every night
Creating a FaceTime dream world with you
As you called me on the phone
Your raspy chalk board nail voice
I so longed to adore
I never knew you would turn around
And decide with one large hand of time
That the easiest way to combat
Me
Was to simply rinse the unicorn swan queen
Away.

But you know in your heart of hearts
I live on your ankle.

Year 2.
Embarking and blossoming into year 2
I tell my mother I don't know what it will all bring
Sometimes I feel an immense panic that I have no idea
Drawn to yet another actor
But I couldn't and can't get over the way your eyes looked
Looking at me
And for once
I felt like we both ate each other up
Equally.

I don't know what it means
Old habbits die hard
I heard the phrase I use to echo and say
Drew in a ****** glaze
"I don't know"
Told a lover with a keenness
That phrase appears in all of my poetry
Like I was a prophet
Waiting for him to read the Bible of our love.

"There was so much there. A lot more. I keep thinking about the way you'd look at me."

How good it felt and feels
To have sunk my teeth into something
Where the man doesn't see me as a side prize.

I still don't know what it means
Or where my life will lead
But the car alarm outside
Goes on and off
And I'm just happy to have a night
With little ole me.

I want you.
I want you too.
Moving backwards like slingshots swimming through
The endless peaks of fields we couldn't decipher the end
We rode on the back of a golf cart
A strip tease, everything's so far
We gotta hike back baby, but its goodbye baby
We met and felt and left so soon.

Tumbling into the rabbit hole of brown leaves
Look out for three leaved plants
Your eyes explore a vast range of words
We could paint with our fingertips
But we drizzle and dabble in our paints
Though we remain and sustain states away
So quick, so swift, so whimsical.

You took me into your hands
Like I was a snow globe
Lay me down easy onto the ground
I ran into the brush
It was just what I wanted
I still can hear your intimate sounds
As you drowned me in the love
You could give in that moment in time
As eyelashes bruised and twinkled
With a series of colorful visuals
I'll always treasure in my soul
In my art.

You drank up my porcelain blood
I filled your goblet to the brim
Red army shirt, sequined me
You took your glasses off
I couldn't see the pupils in your eyes
It felt so ******* good when your hand grabbed mine.

So we ran into the deep pits of the trees
Who I insisted have souls
And you believed me
Doting and sweet talking
As they hovered above your sweet frame.

You're on an airplane now
Headed back to the town you drip and sweep into
Making motions and oceans
In what we both love to do
You say we should have dinner
As I fancy myself a little sweet dream tonight
Remembering and drinking up the taste
Of the look on your face
As your open wound eyes
Devoured and wrote in brail
That you wanted to know and see it all.


And thats what is and was
(I say was, because it was..perhaps could, be.)
The reason my insides feel more alive
From remembering the light but deeply intimate
Thought provoking look in your perfect eyes
Within the pinecones
The needles, the brush in my hair
As your purred my name
And we said--what we didn't want to be a goodbye
Because it was just too lovely.

Covered in your jacket and my glitter
We kissed in the hot sun
Twisting into each others bones
Because it just felt so good, so

Electric.

Worn down from sleepless nights
4am ticking by, didn't even notice
Till the sun greet us like a couple of hyenas
We all rose against the grain
Folks standing on top of buses
Crowded and sweating in glitter
Such immense love, energy
Even red eyed and wobbling
The forest is a haven of safe expression.

Got down in the dirt
Buried my face in the all encompassing stimuli
Faces appearing and repeating
Smiling radiance, buy candy from me
A little teal blue dress
Pretend to be someone else
Made up with expensive wigs and we all drank coffee
But not really.
More like
Fruit delicious smoothies
Mascaraing our red eyes away.

Disappear into the poetry brothel
Theres lingerie and words to hear and say
But I'll always be a little director in my head
A producer in the city said to me recently
"You're definitely an actors director. Moments made me almost uncomfortable it was so real."

We took a moment in the woods
To look up at the moon shining down on us
And I don't know if you heard
But I felt and saw my soul fly out of me
And with such command
"Hello."

We
I walked into the coming night
To invest in nourishment tonight
After returning from the fantasy forest
And I just thought
I'll mix it all up
Into the crevices of my heart
I've seen, felt, and done things now
I'll never forget
A beacon
Ball of powerful glorious light

Providing the platform of adaptability
Connecting and releasing
And a special singular moment in time
No one can ever take from me.

Thats pretty ******* magnificent.

So yeh.
I feel cleansed
And like my heart holds a little bit less metal and bone.