I know a girl
Who ***** her own horn
You would think the bugle
Or conk shell would be
A blessing to our ears
But until she trusts
That she doesn't have
To parade with butterfly wings
Apparent and obvious
She may never know
Her own greatness.

That's the thing about butterflies
Their bodies are dark, grimey
No different than other insects
But it's wings
Make it magnificent.

I once knew a girl
Sat in the passenger seat in front of her
She wanted so much
But never took the time
To really look around.

Perhaps it's genetic
Perhaps it's that mid 20s crisis
Big city wanna be a star
But I have noticed a tiredness in my soul
From trying to help lift those wings
That don't need to be told
Or scolded
How to flap.

Will you look in the mirror and see the truth?
With the worldliness and culture
Brains would thump and underline
I just am not really a duo
I excuse myself
And just continue my own route.

Not everything is a product
My, his, or hers, or I's
But a brevity we breathe into the universe
Because it simply feels good
To give elation and joy
With no possession attached.

My heart goes out to her
This woman in the back of the van
She's transformative with the heart of a lion
That her mother didn't warn her of
Flap your wings sweet butterfly
But ya don't gotta say you are doing so.

Lets go to the forest
One last poem before we float
Out the door
All worries, fears, concerns
The reality of the real world
Lets let it drift away
Just for this fantasy filled moment

Slumber like little girls the day before
Their first day of preschool
Colorful gadgets, hair scarves, all of which
Makes us beaming glorious
I am me, and you are you
We are neither a pair nor
Together
But our own rays of elemental fundamental
Sensations
That whirl and twirl
Cascade and swirl among the
Obtuse and longing nativity
Of right now, tonight, tomorrow
All of the following moments to come.

Release tension
Give motivation
Lips a color I once wore
The night my heart was eaten
Among the savages with no heads
I fanned them away with eyes of flames and fire
As we danced through
But not among.

No, darling angel
You couldn't be among
But lest we forget.

A cleanse
Rebirth, don't fight it
Words question
Drifting and flying
Among
Just among
What the essence and truth
Resides in the corner
Of what we give
Just go give
Like a chorus of humble angels.

There's a man sitting on the bus
I sat parallel to him
I think his legs might be rotting off.

I've got red wine in my bag
Smelling like I've got ****
But take pause
Everything can change in a heart beat.

I think we might have fallen in art love
Today at a production house
We drank a whole bottle
Of the nicest red wine
I've put in my mouth in a long time
And I think I truly was the best version
Of myself I've been
In quite some time.

Let's go escape
One more day till vaycay
Every moment, every pivotal breath
Has brought me right here
Next to a woman whose pink bag says
Sophia
And the man who sits looking content
Though his legs speak otherwise.

I've been listening to this one song
On repeat
Because it sounds just like fantastical bliss
I've got gumption
A refrain of strong voices
Cheers and toast
What I've come here to do
I've got serious *****
They all coo
But sometimes
I leave my food behind
Because I got too emotional
In the grocery store
And that's what I do
I run away.

But I own it
Catch it in my butterfly net
Let's just go run to The Dojo
Get some solid affection and freedom
In before glittery forests and forlorn hopeful kisses.

We left our skulls in our hometown
Chocolate covered in sugar and protein
Made me feel better to eat sweeter
I had a thought as I sat on the edge of my bed
On this night, summer solstice
But I didn't spend much time with the moon
Other than to tip my top hat
That this whole journey
Every single second, bit of it
It all brought me here.

Thats why the ink on my leg embodies me, my soul
The essence
I didn't know what it wanted to be
And neither did I
I remember
Like the blinking and flashing of a thousand eyes
Walking in the fall of Chicago
In the skirts of Bucktown
You rode your longboard down the street
Or met me in Andersonville as per my request
Dunkin Donuts coffee
Don't you
Don't you
You must remember
Don't you?
Or I sat at a bar and waited for you
We rode the train
We wrote and carved our name
In the haves and have nots
The sunlight hit you in your favorite straw hat
I know you have the remember that
"I've never dated a professional director before"
You said it and spoke it
With such a mysterious amusement
And those words alone
You asked me how I felt about dating a professional dancer
I remember
My answer must have sounded like
A scuba diver trying to make phone calls under water
And today, as I was trapped once again at the hostess stand
I relived and saw it all
In my gloomy summer June haze.

Every single moment
Breath
A tight red dress at the Christmas party
The way you grabbed my *** before you left
Like it still belonged to you
I ran away from the Halloween Harry Potter themed party
And abandoned you
Only to come back because I was scared
Of what it meant to leave you alone
What it meant when I woke you up
To say I'm sorry lets work it out
The dinners I cooked
The soggy pasta you made
We watched Candy and wept
Did ******* to forget
That you would eventually
Steal your sweatshirt back
While I was not home
Without a word.

Because its all
Just come to that
Rainbow colored hair
And you fading away
I just loved how you talked to me
I thought we might side step
Waltz around the town
Worship the marks on our backs
But really truly
I guess,
You couldn't hang.

I'm not sure what it is
Perhaps the time of year
Our palms met with the newness
We had our first kiss
I came over almost everyday
But also stayed away
"I'm trying to make art things happen!"
I remember texting you as you tried to convince me to come over
And I meant it.
Every word, every syllable, every consonant
Of that sentence
And it took me a whole year
To sit on the edge of my bed eating ice cream
In the month of June 2016
To simply understand
That I came here not really knowing
Or even owning
What I wanted to do yet.

A big experiment, audition
I wear almost every hat
It enlightens me
And exhausts me
I allow myself to breathe
I thought to myself
Several times today
But I carve it out in stone here now
Close my eyes at the end of the night
Remember wearing the maroon sweatshirt of another man
My hair *****
I washed my parts in the sink
From the scapegoat of another man
And let you have me
Only to watch you take bottles of wine away
And remind me
I'm trying to make art things happen.

"Why do you hate me so much"
I heard and felt myself type in my minds eye
But I don't send it
I don't even type it
Like I was once wont to do
Its been 3 years and a past lover of mine
Expresses his mourning for the loss of us
3. Years.
Will you too, someday see?

But really
It doesn't matter
It just doesn't
I acknowledge the image of you behind the children's toys
Or the way I reflected in your aviator sunglasses
Or the fact you haven't deleted a single picture of me from your facebook
What haunts me the most
Is that I poured out every ounce of kindness I had left
And you smacked it away with your bright tank tops
And little man ways
Because you couldn't take
That I was just trying to make art things happen.

Did it make you feel so good
To decide to be the one to fill your cup
To the brim with hatred and abandonment
Was it because I raised my white flag one last time
And you had to be the one
With the last word
The one to echo, nod and say
In your colorful get up
Goodbye girl
You never mattered at all.

Or perhaps
I mattered much, too much
I'm not sure what happened
But I don't dance next to the river with you
Any longer.

I guess its good
I guess I'm glad
Most of the time
But my heart pangs and rings
From time to time
When I hear your name, see pictures of your face
And I guess thats why you replaced me
With such swift demise
And a candor for silly ink
In order to make me matter less.

I heard you asked about my movie
When really,
You asked about me
This town ain't that big sweetheart
Did you heart about how I've tried?
I kissed a note in pale pink lipstick
Called you on the phone to say I'm so sorry for your loss
But something within you
Made you fight my love
With one final blow.

If you could
I think you might would do me harm
And what echoes throughout my days
Is how could someone that loved me so dearly
Evoke and turn to such hatred?

You threw me from the wolves
Into the ocean, waved goodbye
I made art out of it all
And if it wasn't for our downfall
I wouldn't be where I'm at
But don't you wish
Don't you see
That I've left you behind in year 1
Just like I knew I always would.

A personification of what was
This time last year we smiled over short distances
A haze of newness, you said all the right things baby
Be mine forever, you said
It would be so nice if this was here when I returned
I opened my heart to you
Because it was all I knew how to do
But something within me
Fought against it with a knowledge
With a knowledge that it wasn't quite right.

I wonder if you've soaked up the blood just yet
Laid in your bed, new women or men by your side
I've got new ink too baby.

One day
Our faces will meet once more
Will you be so kind?
Rewind
Rewind
Rewind
To the thousands of times
I've convinced myself the men sitting across from me
Were right
Because you all pleaded me to see it.

I gave it to you
I slapped myself into an oblivion
Picked up your drunken Peter Pan behavior
I write about you more and more rarely now
But hear and feel poetry through out all of my days
I don't know what it will take
But I see and I feel and I know
I need a breath of such fresh air
In a number of ways.

Do you hear my voice, see my eyes
Like you once admitted in the winter time
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
****.
I'm just sorry.

I wasn't
You weren't
I know you wanted to be the one
And deep in my soul
I can only hate you so much for that.

Theres a gem adorned little fairy queen
Her wings an intricate pane of stained glass
She hums and whistles with ballet ridden toes
Spinning in the brightest and bravest circles.

I'll always remember and hold so dear
Her pixie bottle blonde dyed hair
The Halloween encrusted spider necklace
Dangling from her thin neck
And how we nestled, our smiles crooked
So fresh so new
Next to me, we sat in the hallways
Where we birthed our painted frames
And went our own way.

A bubbling triple threat in all boiling illusions
She's got a relaxed brow, wisdom filling her up
When we speak, its like pumpkin carriages
Or the birds that fly next to us
Follow and carry our same tune.

Papas so proud of you little one
I know you run for miles in your heart
Not to escape the terrors
But because your legs are the most powerful
Part of resilient, beautiful you.

Your hair grows long
Our faces, we become the women
We've always wanted to be
Your hand grasped by true love
You configure the pieces of your life
With astute awareness, longevity
A warrior chant and quiet dancers
Haiku whistling and reminding me of you
Always.

Lady love
I think we might have invented that phrase
I hope you stand next to me
Clad in your best colors
And silhouette when we see fit.

She picked herself up better than anyone I knew
Dedicating every fiber of her being to giving
Like a pitchfork cocooned in velveteen rabbits
'Cuz shes every morsel of magic.

I've got the skin of a sweet potato in my bed
Suckling sweet summer tired eyes
I caught a lightning bug in my hand
I wanted to capture its glory with my camera lens
I opened the palm of my hand
Thought it was gone, gone
But it hid in the crevices of my fingers
Its light calmly turned off
Only to fly away
I ran and began to sweat into the Chicago night sky.

I talk to myself when I think I'm alone
Reflecting back on the lady I was this time
Last year, cherishing my off days
"Just as I like to think of you"
So sweet, so true
But simply not for me.

Mama told me
She said she was so moved
Making eyes cry
I tear up at the most random times
'Cuz I just can't believe it all.

I keep my hands to myself
Lets frolic in the forest
I wanna come back a new woman
Its just time.

I guess I did too much
Tried too hard
Opening and closing
Closing and opening
Slamming shut like the pitter patter of my heart
The final moment I left your face on the train
And I knew in my autumnal orange pants
We like the first Chicago winter
Would too, fade away.

Its summer now
A beautiful crisp hot
This time last year I defined myself
With a vulnerable acute newness
I was afraid to take the bus long distances.

I started to run
Toned my body up
Lately, all the pressure has put its immediacy aside
My room mate brings home boxes of ice cream
I didn't eat 20 dollars worth.

Theres numbers and jobs
Emails, words, plans
Floating and drifting over my head
Like when I use to leap and hit the basketball net
Remember how I beat you both at pig?

I talked about you a lot tonight.
You are like a vat of worms
Once you are opened
The goo and dirtiness all over my hands
I can't simply stuff you back into
The vat.

But I try
I let others do it with their reassurances
They close the conversation with ribbons and wise words
I find strength and resilience through it
I could write for eons about it all
But it wouldn't change
That you will always see me
As the villain in the arena
We jousted in.

I guess I killed you
With my joust
Watched you fall off your small horse
The crowd applauded so loudly
My insides shook
And I could write so many sonnets
I hope my picture affects your wounds
But I can't help you back up.

Theres this little tiny bird
Thats been flying and existing
In the heart of my spine
To coo and whisper
As the day filters and becomes harder
Or flies in a flurry of colorful motions and waves
Depending on if I'm having a good day.

A pitter patter as she hums a magical
Or sorrowful tune
It circulates and changes through out my days
I painted every bit of the walls white last night.

We scraped the firebird mother earth from it all
She came off in our hands
I saw her body parts in singular tiny pieces
In the trash can
My production designer sent me a photograph
Of her broken and resilient face
And the voice in my head autocorrects me
And tells me to shut up and be smaller.

My hair is a rainbow
A friend said I look like a watermelon last night
I think she meant to poke fun
But I could care less
And as I grow older,
I care less and less
I take things less and less sensitively.

A transformation, rebirth
A few wonder and skeptical remarks
As to my need, desire
To change, reformulate, adapt
But its because I came from the land of plenty
Molasses covered cocoons of commitment
And I retrained my mind and my body
To sleep and exist in the crevices of newness.

I guess secretly I fear destruction
Death heaves and sighs its weary head all around
In the coming summer months
I fear my own morality
And fantasize just how I would
Sprout a cape and combat it all
With my quiet inner strength.

Moon sisters fighting through their own fights
I get caught up in thinking I reside so alone
Caught in the middle of a constant whirlwind
I ink my feminine thighs
Dye my hair to look like a secret fantasy
Meetings, always working
My mother surrounds me with the negative
Details of what occurs in the world
Walking away but giving love forward
Theres a man across the street in Alabama
Abusive and deceptive
Snipers meant to take his life
If he bore arms
My mama told me
And described the physical damage to his wife
I interrupted her and said
ENOUGH.

I wear it all like a badge
Or my lady bow ties
It clings and rings my neck
Like a house on the back of my shoulders
And I should be running right now
But I needed to cry
And write it out.

Ex lover and I talked on the phone
Things escalated
He sounds well
We got sensual, been so singular honey
But by the end
I didn't care.

I don't know.
I never seem to
But I write in my notebook
Spend money I don't have
Surround myself with artistry I've always wanted
Theres gotta be a path within it all
I feel so lost sometimes.

But I sink my teeth into the lostness.

A little old man
With a can of coca cola
And the simplicity of existing
Sat at a table as I came and made my own place
Next to the diverse fresh faced instrument bearing men
People come and go
On bicycles
Children twirl
Photos taken on camera phones
A woman shimmies in the sunlight.

My hair is a multitude of colors
I'm always tired
But I'm thankful.

I'm thankful to be listening
Feeling
Seeing
Tasting
And there are little minor moments
Folks
That knock me down
But I massage my own back and just think
I've come this far
I'll always make it out alive
Heres to hoping they do too.

I'm sad about Orlando
I think all of America must be
We walk around the big concrete jungles hoping everyone can care
Place your wounded ego and pain aside
Don't you see the value in each others worth?

And I could think
And write a thousand poems
About how much I wish I could just meet some solid
Courageous
Proud to be on my arm
Beautiful man
But I surrender to the fact
That he will just show up when he does
Worries and fears, set them aside
I go to bed alone
And treasure it at this moment.

The faces of the audience
They look so content
Joyous
I return to sacred ground
When I need strength and newness
The most.

We felt it ringing and buzzing in our bones
My phone is disabled because I can't stop
Mistyping my seven digit password
We view apartments all day, its time for an update
But do I have the right to live somewhere
Trickled and tickled in the life I want
But don't necessarily have right now?

You said something so profound to me
That I leaned in and kissed you full on the lips
Everyone watching the swan in white
And the beautiful dark man banter and glow
I released my lips from yours to reveal
Cole eyes filled with entranced love
You dropped gems all around me
Urging me to keep going
I kissed you in that moment because I felt so inclined to
And I'm so glad it was you.

No ego
No one to show off to
It just was right
Surrounded by heated bodies, an abundance of art

At the very end of the night
Haunted by the lack of the pasts encouragement
Remember how you wrote the post it
Placed them on my wall
He wanted to be what he was for me that night
And I put myself to bed alone
And hustled through love
Beluga whales jumping and waving their tales
They crashed and sang
Their joyous eyes and silky bodies
I wished I could swim with them.

I've been building up fear
I look around me at strangers
Lets please all keep each other safe
Please.

Your mama I guess, is not gonna message me back
I guess I'm sorry I've exposed myself again
But I know
I know in my heart
When you see it all projected on your basement screen
Your name
Mine repeating and typing in transformative waves

It will well up inside of you
Maybe it will help make you change
And thats the point right?
Art that heals and speaks the truth.

I have so much to say
Watched and felt so much

I don't know where to begin.

But I watched with keen little girl eyes
The most mystical marine life
Exist in majestic motion
Fearing violence in the most mundane places
I have so much to create
Time to dream.

Why did you do it
My eyes feel as if they have been placed
On the countertop of stimulation
Can't fully process it all
Such love, such sweat, such passion
I cried in little moments through out the day
Napped in the bed next to my mother
You were the first and last thing
To plague my mind today.

I'm really not sure why
But you kept coming up
My brother never would have liked you
And for the first time
I see it all with such an awareness
But I wish you and your mama
Would stop acting like I did harm
Don't you see people are dying?
Don't you see that we aren't immortal
Don't you see that it takes up so much
To give hate
To shed negativity
To block, turn your back away

Are you just humiliated I leapt over you?
Picking up the pieces of what never was around me
I wonder what caused it
Who said it, what branded it
As if its some difficult mathematical equation
I was in such a strong place
Most days
And something about the vulnerability
Of really being honest with it all
Airing the laundry with no apology
And then the abrupt sound of a car screetching
As I saw you could not bear
You could not bear
Why.

I may never get an answer
But its you whose turn it is to cry.

I must have thought of
A thousand phrases and colorful words in my head
I mourned the lack of your support
Quietly but only in singular moments
Lamented it sparingly
But I had to voice it out loud
To verify that you are so little, so small.

You blocked me today
I don't really know what I ever did
Something about who I was before you
And after you
There is a presence and wisdom within me
Within me in the earth
That was consumed with a absent minded naivete
Because my eyes were just less open.

If I spread myself more thin
And circled all the parts of me in red
With just how it hurt
Every time your disappointing, I can't even use the word shadow
Because you are less than a shadow
I must haunt you so deeply
Will you cover up the ink of me?

But the truth of it
Why it hurts and stings
Is because it makes me feel just utter shame
Like I'm not even worth killin'
In you meaning, in your name
So lets continue to hate me
Erase me
I never knew someone who once loved me so much
Could turn to hatred so quickly
But wait

What am I saying?
Yes I do.
He errs and swears
I'm sure his face grows red and hot
I hope he will leave my old apartment with his lover soon
I saw they bought a car together
What a step for mankind
You led me away from his cruelty
Only to shut all my windows and prefer me in the darkness
Because then you don't have to own
That you dug the grave we bore our love in.

I just wanted to hear a "good job"
You did
You're great
Congrats
Silence
Nothing but silence
And then a technological barrier to remind me
That though my heart has always been open
Because I couldn't be the one
The girl that took your drunk calls
And listened to you coo in a boyhood manner
What we would name our children
Or pitter patter in the mildew of temporary happiness
Never ending battles of the same drinking games
Going out and discussing only the past, each other
The rainbow in my hair withered into a flame
Because I needed out so badly
Until you left me
And we changed and evolved
Like Sailor Moon does,
When she uses her powers.

Do you know how many men drop words and phrases
Filled with meaning but they want so much
I look around at the contenders
Your name scratched out in a ***** red
I really gave it my all
You'll know
You'll see.

I told you my name would be everywhere.
So block me baby
Theres no dance move
That will save you
Though you dare with new women and *****
Erase last summer, hate her
Can't bare to see photos of her thrive
Or quietly say a million times
Just why you went

I woke up each morning
And your face would be covered in new white heads
I lower my sword
My dagger
My shield
Because theres no fight left in me
Only in you.

A surging of a pile of wired and tangled like strips of DNA
Pushing and pulling, whipping and snapping
Rushing towards one another like silent mice
Or ravenous blood lusting lions
Held up like trinkets on a tray--
The feelings that I feel but can never tangibly see
Tangled and rising up inside of me.

I didn't cry last night
I'm at a point now where my eyes will well with tears
Face will contort
But nothing
And I mean, nothing
Trickles or releases itself out of me.

A dry well in the Sahara desert
But all that water rises with the tides
But I can't seem to find peace with
It makes me wonder when will I cry again?
Please don't let it hurt.

Little brothers such a good man
Best friends mother told me he's the kinda man
I gotta find
She's so right.
I don't know why it is
That I have been so drawn to the confusing darkness
Of ego, deceit, abandonment
But I walk around the city
No goggles on
I get back in touch with the little girl
Who fantasized
But was so entranced with paint brushes, canvases
Barbie videos
And never needed
Waited
Existed and lived a sweet but filled with lessons to learn
Just content
With what felt good, joyous, and right
She's still so deeply within me
And I miss her.

I'm so ******* tired.

A sobering sunlit day
Alabama keys filling and timing out
Like ballerinas twirling in unison, all clad
And panting in one heaving white heap
She woke up on the ground, abandoned
What was marked on her "destiny."

Rings twining together like all the "I do's"
That echoed and ran rampant in the sweetest
Of deep molasses southern belle gratitude
I heard my mothers voice waiver and say
"He's not the one for you sweet daughter"
A number of flaming red times
As my hand lilted and titled with a combination
Of worries and intimacies of what it means
To be a woman panting and breathing
In the showering rain outside
Reinventing, shedding that purity
I watched them all go next to the shadows of what could have been
But could never really be.

And for that, with the most eloquent softness
We curtsy our fiery manes not all at once
But in a series of waves and flames
As we, as I assemble
A rifle filled to the brim with nothing but love
The rawness of real joy and innate desire
To shine a light on the unspoken.
Forever. For always.
'Cuz thats what we do.
Thats what I do.

It smelled like city urban summer today
Sweat above my lip, greasy hair
Natural and determined
I'm entirely composed of the mightiest
And gentlest sweet embers.

The night before
We felt dizzy in our lace up poetic combat boots
Our twirling white dresses
As the rain gushed and thunder bolts raised their voices
We're getting married
We're getting married!!
Hooray, hurrah, huzzah
Like a troop of lightning bolt ridden
White blossoms blown from the pedestals
Of feminine prison
We rang and threw ourselves against all the bells.

Bells chimed
And my shoes were slightly too small
As I gave into the deep sensation of--
Of--
Of
The fact that I attempted with such vigor
To place myself with such demure language
Into the foot steps of a role I simply could not
Take on just yet
And never
With you
Sweet wrong one.

Rising from a rustic old abandoned ship
Strewn into a meadow like broken shards of glass
The image of birds a flame reigniting their own souls
You appeared and disappeared
Like a tuxedo I never even allowed myself to miss
An epic love story
My feminine warriors and I would pick apart
Dissect with sharp eyes and knowing hands
I can't get too excited
Not just yet

I'm the one who wears white tomorrow night
First and last
Like an entourage of bridal parties and forget me nots
Frozen bananas make up my new reality
I go to bed, the lighting slightly blue
Male perspective so strong and angry lately
I'm so blonde
Like a new born baby
I'm the one who wears white
As I trickle and admit at times
I hope you see it
I hope you read it
I hope you recognize every bit of it
All of you

But it was never about you
Never really at all
As thunder outside my warm windows agrees with me
Like a siren call
Face down in a perfect gown
Limb by limb
Coming to
Be my own bride.

The weather whispers a summer hazy
Gloomy June tune
Remember just how
We brought ourselves here
You strong little porcelain doll?

Remember just how
You held yourself
Surrounded by polaroids and stones
Air mattress sleeping rainbow haired
Defined moments
Love chased me down the street
Slapping it away like gut instincts
My gut instincts are always
Spot on
Underline that in bold.

Bold
So much untold
By her mouth and hers
We hold up megaphones
Empowering the softness
But we're scared of being *****
Behind dumpsters
Drinking with abandon
We can't trust ******* no one.

I avert my eyes most of the time
Because I know everyones got
Their own motive.

Computer clanging and chiming
That final cut almost ready
I'll wrap my face in glitter and gold
I was sorta drunk and we wanna take care
Of our ladies
But we also gotta show them
As it really ******* is.

I take criticism
Try not to expel too much energy, emotion
I recommend names
Give out my signature in fiery fury
Without ink
All the male directors are white
All the male directors
Their all
Their all
Their all

Rip tide, subfuckingside
Ripping across waves and moon beams
I hand it over
I hand it over
I hand it over
Could have vomited all morning
So I'll make up a little tune
Like it goes along with my Irish muddy Southern
Who knows what I am insides
And most of the time I think
I'm so

Ordinary.

But with glorious fans
I bow and I curtsey
Don't talk to that married man
Wheres your wife?
Your children must be sleeping
Don't you see
Don't you see ladies
In the moment, you get that attention
But you ruin the interior beat
Of other women
And we all we really got.

Don't you see?
Don't you see?
Can't I see?
Can't you see?

I remove blindfolds off of all of them.

And I don't know
That I'm all that special
I've got plenty to say
Informed by my past
My present
My right now
Heres your plus one
I gave my ticket away
Two weekends ago
Because I thought I had no one to invite


But I'm surrounded
Surrounded
Not because I left my heart on the alter
Sacrificed it to the demise
Of men who can't keep up
But my best friend she said
"You're young, beautiful, ambitious, and divinely favored."

So lets take an honest look around
And just
Hover baby.

I remembered it all like thistles and thorns
Slurping strawberry banana
Replaying empowering hymns
One of my girlfriends says she challenges me
Gotta voice that opinion 'bout how you ghostin'
Cuz my feelings so valuable, worthy of being heard
But ya want the truth?

I ******* know all that
But I would rather slip through the cracks
Don't need all that trauma of sayin' hey we ain't cool
We failed
'Cuz you just another player fool.

But thats cool and thats great
Love my ladies, but I don't need 'em to say
You valuable, voice that anger
'Cuz I know better than anyone.

Get it, listen to it
But I've nagged and I've rehashed
You sir, you sir
Like a beggar girl longing for more
Morsels of love, attention

I threw my hat down
Stomped it into the dusty ground
Left it abandoned
Not 'cuz I'm sad
But because I'm too ******* busy
To let you or you or you
Use or confuse
My womanhood.


NEXT.

He wanna know how it do
What I got purrin' over here
But his girlfriend she gone
So he pickin' his teeth
But he ain't got no tooth pic
Got that instagram picture
Talkin' 'bout pink skies full 'o cheap *** lies
You was sayin' my name
As you came and complained
You know I'm doin' so much
Its my face, you can't stain.

Got a flame next to his name
His ring and he rang
He's not a bad one
But he speaks like I'm his boss
'Cuz I am and its true
Check that off my list
Lace up my boots
Levitate off the ground
This next boy he got tattoos
But really,
They all do.

Facebook status, he got that relationship listed
But he looked right in my eyes
Moaning his tune
He want what he want
Held my hand as he drove
I was glad when he left
But the afterglow never lasts.

Ooooohhhh
This one
I could splatter some dark red paint
Make it swirl and indicate like blood
Did all that I could
But he filled with the rage, that hate
Put a black hood on my head
Said forget you, be what I need instead
He so angry 'cuz he so hurt
Surrounded by mildew and a bunch of
Dead birds
I feel sorry for you
No, its true
I feel sorry for you
I wasn't kidding when I said my name would be everywhere
And you would have to hear.

Say no bye boy
Say no bye boy
Ain't I glad I ain't married
Got no kid with these misters
But one of 'em ain't so bad
He just ghostin' cuz he sick
He scared or busy as ****
But who ******' cares
I buckle up my britches
Cigar in my mouth
If I had been a man
I woulda been

The best man.

But really.
When we take a step back
And examine it all
We call them this term
Because they wounded us
With their lack of chivalry, tenderness, sincerity
And I could write down in permanent ink
A resounding:
"Don't Let Them."
But that would all be ******* too
A hiatus?

We think and give them that name
Their guards rising and teeth grinding
The moment we pinpoint the sourness
And I don't wanna say we asked for it
That we allowed it
But didn't we a bit?

If I had been a man
I would have been the best man
I want to hiss and chant
But they are all
Just as scared
As we are
All of them.

Fucksboys
Especially.

Year 1:

A colossal year filled to the brink with shots, undeserving kisses, swans drowning and finding their way back into luminous lakes. New place. New face. Try hair 12 different ways. Tattoos, poems thrown into the trash. Whiplash, sleeping on the floor. Blow up mattress for much too long. Camera over heated. Memory latch no longer works. Regurgitating a freedom of letting go of what was, what is, whats right now--constant colorful motion, even on the grayest of days to embody the best version of yourself you can be each day. Photos captured and made invisible. Struggle with inner self doubt, loathing, the plight of faces around you. The leader of the helm. Ownership. Vaginal hair is beautiful and easy. Forever running out of money. Resentment builds over time. Voice it quickly and with kindness. Being the first to pick up the paint brush, with no hesitation. Remember humility. Gratitude. Tired soul. Never stops, the art never stops. A series of odd jobs. Romances. Short phrases when feeling neglected. Giving abundance of love to self and those around. Always tired. Some days extremely anxious. People want a piece, but its beautiful. Excited for new adventures. Feels so good to be alone, alive, the sun on my skin. Realizing men are just men, not idols. And women are goddesses with chips on our shoulders only we have the power to heal. Forget the forgettable darling moon child. All climbing and gearing towards one big pulsing glorious hope:
To radiate the truth through the lens of my own eyes.

Year 2:
Lets find out.

I guess
In my coconut oil
Hair piled atop my head
Favorite green hoodie
Hours of communicating, collaborating
Hours upon hours
Trying to make something
Just vibrate and shake
I had to admit

That when I reflect on them
Look at them lying in the water
Sailing away from
Drifting off
It makes me sorta sad.

Its true
Theres something about the energy
That I'm releasing into the deep moon
At this moment
That elicits
Other Woman
So like leaves turning bright green in the sunshine
I wonder if any of it is worth my while.

I guess deep down I am still just sad
That it didn't work out.


I invested so much
But at the same time
I always do.

I hate to fail.

I wonder where you are tonight
What you smell like
Whose eyes you look into
Whenever my mind drifts to you
I know yours must to.

And it feels so good and so right to hate you
Because you do deserve every bit of my dust
I tried so hard to be The One for you
But I caught fire
And you couldn't maintain the flame.

I'm the real dollface.

There I said it.

But for my final act
I'll be standing and burning aflame
Feet planted in the earth

Trusting.

I'm the kinda girl
That throws on her overalls
Packs a bowl
Cookies and popcorn
Cocktails
For the big night
But lets have 'em be virginal
Cuz everyone will like that real good.

So much
So much
Its all so much
I watch him and him
Continue
To fall away
I watch him go
Disappear and leave the building
With plants and paintings
But it was never you
That painted the portrait
I watch you go
For the final time
Wondering
Do I
Do I
Do I

I do
The phrase brides use


Time to leave the house and run the coop.

I sticky glued my fingers
A scratchy callous feeling remaining
We watch film after film
I wave cutely in the audience
At the mention of my name
Photographers perking up
I study old hollywood movie stars
Make business phone calls in alley ways at work
I don't know what anything is gonna look like.

I'm working on this endeavor
Called really truly loving myself
Self care coupled with giving the utmost support
Active attention and love
To those around me
And I've found the feasibleness of that act
Becomes more profound
The less inner turmoil
You, yourself own.

Even if life whizzes and purrs
In a multitude of chaotic circles and squares
Around you, this is the face we have
This is the body we control
The mind we bare witness to
And the heart we give
Take care of it
Hold it tenderly
But also

Let go.

I've got a multitude of girlfriends.
I always have.
Her eyes looked as if they were cannon *****
Waiting to launch with an explosion of fears and tears
Little Witch Baby got a lot to learn
So little, but she got such talented fight
I extend my olive green gold covered hand to her
She hangs on, because we've both seen
The cracking of our own soul
At the hands of an undeserving man.

This other one
She always whirling a mile a minute
Anxious as if it had been centuries
I was never gonna ditch you, little sister
Though your skin and womanhood
Certainly surpasses mine
I make up for it with my uniqueness
And nymph like goddesshood
But you feel the need to drop some fever
As though making my sensitivity worry
Is a necessity you crave
But you got your swagger back
Thats good, thats great
You learned a lot from seeing
Philly women be so good, so oddly strange
Put down the coke and *****
When you're ready
That guy probably doesn't matter
And the group is so toxic
You know it
Retrain your mind with the guitar.

She finds herself surrounded by artistic glasses and hats
Programming and directing, she does as she does
Filled with denim vests
Tattoos that sum her up
A cat eye but no mascara
Whenever I'm with her and decide I'm gonna get laid
I do
We stole a glass chicken
Off the bar of my ex
She gave me the strength
To remember
I am my own.

She's exotic and dark
And I sometimes ignore it
Because our backs align so close
She's finding her voice
But remember humility and inner strength
I sprinkle gems and possibility
Her mother's got the biggest hold
Other than the fear of what she may never be
Let go, sweet girl
Let go of idols and what was
Echoing phrases to power through the day
Its been a big emotional landscape
We speak as if lovers
Without the romance
We step side by side
But I know I'll go my own way in time
And as will she
With love, with trust
With abundance.

Sculpted flesh and gore galore
She's handy without books and pliers
Finding and grasping with her own two hands
She's got the pieces of the puzzle
She hits the hay early and appreciates a good drink
A delicious honest moment
And calls me on the phone
To discuss our current stresses
Ball busting and a female leader
With her paints and tool box
Full of wire and trinkets
To make the world around us
Bolder and wiser.

I could go on and on about them all.
Too many to name.

And I didn't even have to ask for it.
Fire inspired eyes, cutting concrete with--
All the goodbyes I've heard echo and play
In little slumber oriented ringlets
Like the moon dropping behind buildings downtown
We sometimes shoot back and forth messages
When you speak a distant wind chime clings
Like when I would run around the poolside
Barefoot in my Alabama sweet home.

Green lipstick, green eyes
Touching fingers, touching eager futures
I stood in the audience and thought
"Could I do this? Could we role reversal?"
You take up pretty words and hang them up by the tale
Tail.
The head, the breast, like a mobile
Spinning and twirling around
As we all gather near the fireside
To perhaps more deeply understand
What one another has seen.

I've known
In my heart of hearts
That I want someone who has something to fight for
Whose got a voice, a unique way of floating
With a sword covered in goodness in vines
Next to my lipstick covered dagger
As a treasure chest opens
My mother kept in my fathers office
A butchers knife my Grandfather Milton carved
For me and my swan hands.

You said with such wisdom
As if you had read or perceived
That I was tied to the swans that reside
Peacefully in the lake
Their long graceful necks and beaks
Silence and glory
You knew and I didn't even have to tell you.

Maybe in time
And if the day ever comes, I'll cozy up next to that fire
In my eyes
When you spell my name out with your rhythms and rhymes
Some soulful croon, that knowing depth
But not with fight
But a peaceful joy, because as we stood looking at the bar
On New Years Eve
Debating what alcohol to engulf next,

Chicago
And the ink wells we dip our quills into
Vibrated and shook
In earnest.

His eyes look so sad and full of experience
In the pictures now
I contemplate how I've had to pass
The porcelain doll over
Felt so good to run so carefree.

Been thinking and deciphering
At last, I find such peace
Calmness with my current state
Took the day to surround myself with work and me.

A multitude of voices, colors
Skill sets and artistry all around
Dollar bills echoing necessity to survive
Mama and daddy proud but my god
I hope this makes you get it
Please finally fully believe
And understand.

I forgot to try my dress on
Later, I think
Each day full, never any rest
And I have to punch myself
To remember and think
My God, you lucky ******* *****.

I realized
Been thinkin' and feeling real peaceful
I am so very fine
With the lax romance, meaning
Beautiful Innovator not going anywhere
But wait, not quite
He told me last night in the crook of summer
That I was about to blow up
Thats what I told you just a few weeks ago, I said
A shared secret smile
As if our electricity was contagious
Like the mimosas only we drank
Contained aptitude for change
He mentions like lace on his tongue
That he can see a real future
I exclaim that I've been wondering
If I'm just not cut out to be a duo
He chuckled and shook his head.

I just
I've spent my LIFE
Tying it to someone else
And for once, for once
No obligation
No explanation
No chasing
Waiting
Faking
Just existing
Putting my heart, my dreams
Giving love and support
Voicing when I don't feel it returned
From any woman
Or man
But not because

I belong to them.

I don't ever want to belong to anyone.

And theres something really, very special
About the fact that I can fully stand on my own
Able to go anywhere, at any time
And today, I thank the heavens
I haven't found or realized
My person.

I kept returning, knowing
Humming and whistling in my head
Got so much I want to write
Click send on that important submission
**** I misspelled
Separate
And
Harassment
Underlined in red, afterwards
Wonder if my idea was special enough
But my God, what was once a slumber dream
Would be so very rich now that I've
Licked the ***** spoon.

Camera phone pictures
Lets post 'em since our Lemon ain't here no more
To document our lives
We liked to jest and play with her corn husk hair
She was cherished, so loved
And now her heart hurts when she thinks of each of us.

We play and frolic on the beach
As she types and creates a bright future for herself
Writing as if one of us now.

I knew the moment I met you all
That I would have to make a movie out of you.

I don't really know what happened
But I think deep down
I've lost some confidence along the way
And have had to constantly reframe my mind
Trying to see it all with hopeful new eyes

But it was so much simpler
Before I was stamped with what they wanted to perceive.

Not sure why
This white man thinks
We moon ladies
Ain't worth the investment
He trickles in his own sovereignty
Deciding to highlight an inner resentment

You're just obscenely jealous.

Today.
An array and wash of moments blurring and standing apart
In the warm Chicago sun
Almost as if to be a relief, reminder
That time does pass and we too,
Must flow and grow with it
I wore a little black crop top
Black harem pants
My amethyst necklace
Red lipstick
One streak of green
Hair pulled in a half up twist
Two different earrings
My steel toed boots

And I met you.

I told Alex
Because I needed to make someone aware
Felt it, gave over to it
Around 11pm
“This time last year I met you for the first time in a 711”
“Haha and the world was never the same.”
He replied.

Something about being surrounded by the vocabulary of everything
I gave up
Made it hard to move past thoughts of you today.
Z. Z. Z.
Where o where
Did you place
The L
Is it still in your wallet?
Where all your dollar bills lie
But when a feeling in me shifts as the geese and swans
Croon and sing high above my head
Grudges. She got a grudge. He got a grudge.
She was nice for the first time in months
Group mentality, lets crucify those we can’t understand
“Thats the point. Only idiots forget.”

Really, truly.
I’m just so relieved
For a multitude of reasons.

But I guess what aches
Is that I came here and gave my heart away
With a naive bliss that I just now recognize
Truly and with such conviction
On the days I feel and fear
That my face looks so tired and wise
And fully see with my own third eye
The blindedness of it all. That it was.

And like a flurry of quick motions and camera frames
Flash back to cab rides where I felt trapped
My depressed state, running away
My hands slapping your face when you professed love
Much too early
The singular few times it was good
The way you looked at me on the train
In windows, the loving phrase you constantly repeated
The way you would take a big step back and sigh
Whenever you had to see my face again
The final night I let you in and you layed next to me
And told me I was the worst as if it were a love sonnet
And you meant it
As I attempted with passion and a clinging to not let go
Entirely, of those few singular moments
Where the light both shone on us
And here I am a full year in
Still writing about you.

After I met her
Your new…
Me
I stopped trying to resolve our downfall in my dreams
As I hope and deeply think
Don’t pillage my mind tonight.

There is an awareness
A sleep deprived awareness
To my being today
Lost cell phone
A betrayed kiss
Dancing and *******
You told me I was rejuvenating
I looked for you
Arguing outside in the street
Revealing your innermost truth
I so wanted to
Play along with the charade
You called me to say
There was no cheating, no flirting
This was it
I was it
In the darkness of my room
When I needed you most
You chose another woman instead
I played the good little wife
After then
But put you to bed
What I would call the last straw
But I let you back in so many times
Like I have been so wont to do
(Let this be an end to all of that)
With venomous teeth because thats what you made me—
Thats what I made me.

Caged in a way I couldn’t understand.

Because you couldn’t
Because you couldn’t
You had to beat me to it
You would later lay next to me
Naked
Stare at the ceiling
Speak the words as if they were some secret confession

As I spun around the swan music box for the last time
Don’t you see I’m inked to you forever?

But you were never, mine.

I cuddled a pile of tulle
Laid among and become
Kissing the lipless.

Fastening up for tomorrow and the next day
We struggle and fight
Our voices the most heard
They have ever been.

Pretend to be smaller
Quieter
Not radiate
Avert the eyes of business men
As if they and the suited women
Sense the hiding luminosity
Beneath khaki and brown
Look down, hair hidden
But the inked moon on the back of my neck
Always gives me away.

Today's the day
Let's put on our suit and tie
Prance and waltz to
All the change, adaptation
I thank and greet the sun
With tired, exhausted
Limbs that will be full of joy.

I ****** did it.

We toast drinks
My family will so love this place
I think and feel warm inside
I'm so glad I don't have to
Introduce them to someone or wear a heart on my sleeve
The last time they were here, I remember so well
Got so worked up about you losing your ID
You didn't and couldn't
Lost it long-boarding
Like Peter Pan
Just need a man that will have a beer with my father.

Close out, tattoo lined arms
Asks us, computer party
A beautiful queenly lady friend sits across from me
Drinking PBR
We vent and recite our recent stresses, lost love
I felt the desire to call my most recent disappointment
On the entity entitled my cell phone
But decided against it.

Just need a breath
A test, some rest
Space, away from it all.

Looks like surrounded by folks not the best they can be
At this particular juncture
And I get it, I so get it
But I'm not gonna let that **** my anniversary high.

An endangered gorilla was shot
It immediately made me think
'Bout the war on guns
Black lives do matter
Its a shame we even gotta chant that
Can't we all just value each other?

My best friends twitching their lips
At those that got nasty attitudes and egos
Why you think you can talk like that
Smack like that, bite your lips with all that pretension
I sit across the table, no make up
At times
Though I get lost and dark lock it away
But I can't forever hold hands.

Get it together, get it together
There aren't any coat tails
Find what your own passion is
I came here for me
I sometimes want to punch and scream
Into the urban city sunshine.

She vaped and took pictures of herself with a selfie stick
I hope you take one big deep long look
And remember

The moment you sat across from me
And said
You're too brilliant for your own good.

Nah.
I got a ***** but ain't no wimp.

A late night walk
The sun is warm
A hazy hot
This time last year I lived in an empty studio
My furniture given to the dearest friends
And an old lover
I left behind.

My eyes are tired
Life and people move on along
Sometimes I really wish things were different
I seem like I have it all together
But today I needed and just to
Sob most of my eye make up off
In my cute work outfit
Looking like lemon sunshine
Everyone from work chimed
Coming down from Molly
All the attention made me breathless
As the day wore on my heart
Got so heavy.

We pulled the plug last night
The Beautiful Innovator & I
But I know I don't gotta say nothin'
Negative
You sent me sweet honest text
And you must sort of regret
That you ain't in a place
Where you gonna just choose me.

Kissing my shoulders
Expectin' me to lay down
And change my own laws
Perhaps we
Perhaps we
I can't.

Ladies all in red high five me
I give so much love today didn't wanna
Giving so much, money gone so quick
I do what I can to feel better.

Don't wanna hustle this week
Wish I could run away from it all
Keep sayin' I know I gotta sit down with my life
Nothing seems to work out just yet
This ain't a tryst no more.

Let's take a walk
Around the neighborhood
Remember where it all began
The pictures I took
And just so whole heartedly understand

It's really going to be okay baby girl.

Corset and buttermilk black lined eyes
Waltzing around the past
In Jeffrey Campbell boots
I knew the truth.

She's harmless
And perhaps
Nothin' special.

She entered the room like a little gnome
I felt no hatred.

She stood next to me like I was just another person
We made eye contact
Her eyes so clearly tattooed on
Teeth like yellow brick roads
Her hair surpasses the length of mine
Her hands tiny, perhaps more fragile
Cultured, worldly eyes
Fancy vapes and smoking trinkets filled the room
They had just moved in
And I shook a little on the inside
Because I remember the mornings
Where I awoke next to you
And your little face would be covered in white head pimples
I had to make you brush your teeth
Or wonder why you didn't read more books.

God bless.

And I don't mean any harm when I say that
But it kills me sometimes
That you have painted me with Lady MacBeth's ointment of red.

The breeze sweeps and lingers on my face
Reminding me to let go, be free
You seemed so different baby.

Sweet baby.
I'm so sorry.

But I don't want you at all.

I guess I get it.
I see what it is.
We didn't say our names
Or ask questions
She just knew
And so did I
And she lives next to one of my favorite coffee shops
The place I went and met my DP at for the first time
I remember that mystical encounter
And how we walked in the sun afterwards
And I admitted that you cheated on me.

Like a sword stabbed through a shield
I wonder if you treat her better.

You got all the right things to say
You know how to listen
To qualify and count on tiny fingers and toes
And sometimes I'll think with a sweet sick vengeance
How much it got you off to think of me pregnant.

Another had me in the shower in the early hours of this morning
And it made me think of how that was where it happened for us
But this morning, I let my hair be semi wet
Her face entered my mind a few times
And I wondered why
Oh why wasn't she with you?

I dream of her often
She always appears differently in my mind

Maybe in another life
We would have shared her vape
Taken an instagram pic
Gotten 5.k followers and likes

And been friends.

Concrete dreams and pavement
Slow down but hit the ground with gusto
Big Bus Chicago tours squeaks and skates past me
Green lemon tea,
If I want something
I ink my name all over it.

When asked her name she said it
As if it were a magic spell.

On the high of it all
Let it last, lets contemplate what gives us a rush
Faces and faces pass by me
I wonder what all they have seen and heard.

Sometimes in the back of my mind
When men speak to me
Particularly when they seem to
Be so oblivious
I'll just imagine
Exactly what they must look like
As they ****** with their gut out.

The sounds they must make
Or the look in their eyes
In their most vulnerable position.

I told a man I was dating once
This secret of mine
It made him jealous
He lives in Latin America now
And he really wasn't cute at all
But I liked how young he made me feel.

Got that after glow on my limbs
I shot him a message
Cuz I don't give a ****
I go for what I want.

A little boy and little girl
Young ones
Sit next to me
I soak up their presence
Their days
I feel the happiest I've felt all week.

Invited to this or that
It becomes harder and harder to say no
With the weather agreeing
But I've gotta keep me head on straight
But today, today
I let myself release.

I have so much more to say.
I think its time for another poem.

Not sure whats been goin' on with my soul
Dreams surrounding your face, the lack of your presence
I wake up in reality, so early
The sun eggs me on to get started
Motivation slightly slipping off the edge
Clawing the side of the earth
Nailing my fingertips into the dirt
A troop of people spot me from behind
And in front
And for the first time
I allow them to help lift me up.

Saw pictures from the funeral
You wore your favorite suit
A man came into my coffee shop yesterday
And I thought
This is what he will look and be like someday
Perhaps.

I don't really know what it is that I need
Inking and reading into every little thing
My sensitivity extra high
If I could fly a kite
I'd tie myself to it
And sail away.

Tonights the big night
Corsets and improvised movements
We plan to intoxicate ourselves with happiness
Its gonna do me some serious good.

Theres so much build up
So much hype
Around it all
And sometimes I just wanna curl into a ball
Let the circus proceed without me.

But I can't yet leave.

I don't know that there is any leaving for me anymore
I've always gotten away with it
The last **** on my dresser came off into my hand today
And I thought
My whole room breaks and crumbles around me
Year 1 whispering:
Sweet little Layne, its time to upgrade.

Time for a run
I won't forget
But I'll release every threatening word behind
The voiced insecurities of others
I allow them to spiral down into the earth
Like dust thats where they lay
And with uplifting fists

I leap over the edge
Of my own wall.

Trains hum and whistle
Throw me into my next location
She's got her pink shirt on this morning
The one that matches her dearest friend
Greeting me in the morning
I'm happiest when she's happiest with her own insides
Cuz she's my Chicago ride or die.

We hiss with great spirits
Making marks with multi colored
Intricate paint
Debating and lighting our own paths
Trusting the two beacons
Light houses intertwining
Causes the ultimate
Urban city woven sunshine.

It's the boys who got the power for now
I tattoo my skin to remember
That forever is no forever
She sparks a fire in her butterfly bones
And in my yellow flowered unicorn
Splashed away at the sea
Trusting the hands of the clocks
With our own fingers
Little lady limbs
We move with our own
Soft force.

I wonder what she smells and sees today
I dedicate love poetry to my women
Because they stand next to me
And deeply understand
Even if they don't.

Dark curly tendrils beckon whispers
From highlighted crowds
We wear invisible crowns
On our heads
Especially when she's next to me.

Because she's the midnight
To my versatile glow.

Today is a day
Where I would like to *****.

"Everyone is always going to want a piece of him."
I said, lamenting my current flame
"Yes. But everyone is always going to want a piece of you."
A wise little witch said to me
In her polaroid framed room.

So I smoked ****
Like I do almost everyday now
Before work
To calm all the eyes
gazing at me.

Something within me
Like a sparkler being lit for the first time
The wonderment, the vividness of it all
Made me go:
"Ah ha!"

It just hasn't happened for me yet
And thank God.

No rush sweet belle.

We document our innermost feelings
A photo captured there
Filtered to look like our feelings
Music swells and hums in my ears
I felt the desire, the need to just type and say
"I'm so sorry Zak."

But I didn't do it.
My phone got soaked
Went too far on the bus
Like the elements of the universe
Cried it all away
Washed away all our sins
So that I could be strong once again.

Getting caught up in some heavy difficult ****
Ain't no child's play no more
I wonder sometimes if my friends really even respect me
Or if I'm just some stupid ******* blonde joke
And I'm not even all that pretty.

And sometimes
In the pit of my mind
I'll think
I'm really not all that beautiful
I'm just brave.

And sometimes that makes me really sad.

Its funny how
Every moment, word exchanged
I load them into my vault
Save them for later
Its all material
My God, its all material
And theres something about the word
Director
That feels and tastes so ******* good
In my hearts of hearts
That I've been searching and longing for
And I remember sushi
And a long summer dress
Straight blonde hair
Working out more, eating more
And having moments of horror
"I guess I'm just a business woman now?!"
I would stutter, a glass of whiskey in my hand
My fairy best friend dropping gem like words
Along the way.

That girl has evolved
And continues to evolve
And I comfort myself knowing and trusting
I don't have to give anything up
The road just becomes
Clearer.

So I didn't text you.
I stayed in my rain soaked clothes
And trusted they would dry
In time.

"I call draw"
He texted back
Our poetic phrases competing and whinding together
Like a forgotten breath on window pane glass
Swamped in the rain, I laid down on a girlfriends bed
Ate up every word of her new book
Her poetry, the pain she had overtook
Burned the pages and inked who.

Something within me has woken up
Its slow, light
But an awareness of my body
My face
My age
My time
My life.
Has begun to seriously, take things not so
Seriously.

It reminds me of when I felt comforted
Content
By the fact that I look like Arve Marie
I remember sitting in my Grannies house
Though you had passed
And my other Granny across me sat
Cherubs and shrubbery surrounding us
Glass cats, lots of plaid
My mama and my whole family
Compared me to you
And I remember swallowing and breathing in
Smacking my lips for a second
Closing my eyes
In the way I so seldom do
When I feel
Just so at ease.
Like there are monumental things
To live for.

Experiencing tiny moments like that recently
Has woken me up from the inside
Like I was trapped inside a snow globe
Where we only drank and lived off ice
The weather warms up
I grow tanner
Stuck inside, seeing things do and must change
No answers just yet
No man just yet
No perfect career just yet
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

The best part of all.
Was sitting at the bar with my cast and crew
In Kankakee, IL
And having the most delicious glasses of craft beer.

we spread our legs open wide
parting waves of the sea
or like all the trees that continue to regrow and change
this is the longest i have ever gone
without taking a blade to nature
and our budding flowers
they take on so much
flesh erupting
deciding when to take or
forget us
like petals falling
or picked apart by the hands of a little girl
soft and nimble, full of imagination
but told to utter
"he loves me. he loves me not."

and the last word stated
is meant to predict our future
we play little games to fantasize all the way
our fighting venus fly traps
can catch the rabbits and rats
beg them to stay
or to not stay
or they long to stay
so we let them
or we trap them with our claw like grip
or perhaps
there is nothing
for us to really win.

Sun kissed limbs
Walking too far, lost downtown
But don't mind, nope don't mind
Felt a joy I hadn't felt in a few days time
Thinkin' about all my warriors spread out among states
How they lift themselves up everyday
Our lives so different, we can't fully understand
But we listen and hum
Our love so immense so monumental.

I'm sorry that its been hard
Stressful
My friend Alex made a joke about drugs being the cause
Of it all in the water
That mighty scary stuff
With snake like claws its taken hold of so many
In just this year alone.

Not a single reply from you
I guess it does disappoint my heart a bit.

We will never be friends.

But I'm finding peace with it
Goose bumps on my arms, drank up every drop
Of this chai latte
I know I need several upgrades
My environment growing and changing
I miss my parents.

The feminine voices all around me sing so true
I turned my phone off yesterday because I needed time to disappear

I wish you had answered.
Theres truly nothing
I can do.

I defriended her at last today
Because I realized it wasn't fruitful to my existence
To see the past howl and move forward with happiness
Remaining in my old apartment
None of it matters or changes me
Any longer
And neither do you.

But I'm sorry.
I'll probably feel that deep in my bones
For quite some time now
Swiping and moving away from criticism
Picture locked.
Picture locked.
I locked my picture.

Trusting it all
That I make
Sense.

Lets go out tonight
I'll wear my thrift store **** **** shoes
Feeling hot, on the prowl
Soaking it all up
Summer in Chicago
I've never been so ******* free.

Time to hit the wall
Its beautiful outside today
I worry all the time that my face
Grows weary and old
What a silly thing.

Planning, plottin'
Thinkin' just how gonna break free
A cage starting to form around me
I woke up today with more breath
Dreams warning me of sharing
And I just can't at this moment.

Don't wanna go serve the wealthy
Been thinkin' gotta make some changes
Its time for some changes
Everything zooms and builds around me
I've got a scepter in my hand
I need not fear so much.

Lets raise our skirts and grow in the sunshine
A new memory of mine dances past me
Can't live in the past
Everything about to change
I need not fear standing off the stage
Wondering and worrying
If I'll ever matter
Because it just does.

Burying it in the ground
Its okay
Its really okay
I've made so much happen
In just one year.

I've been hittin' bowls
To get through the work days
Improves my mood, music fills my ears
This time last year
I wasn't here.

Its warm outside now
I embrace it because thank God, its time its time
Never like being told what to do.

Theres a ******* bicycle sitting next to me
At our kitchen table
Our other room mate never even ******* uses it
But insists on never cleaning
She acts as if she's not here
And it makes me heart feel resentment
Her dishes recently gone, all pictures out of sight
I lost her in the "divorce" I joke to everyone else
Her friend asked me what happened
In my brown work cap
I responded with a chill apathy.

Don't really know why haven't heard
Feelin' so unsupported by those that love me
Filling up lungs with criss crossing jump rope
Don't have time to wallow, dwell
I watched my best friend weep in the bed yesterday morning
I laid next to her
We tried to do work
But tears swell and combust from all those around me
How fitting that I played the one in lingerie

To turn the tv on
Move away
Interact. Try to get a reading from the spirits
Echoed the commotion
And led the blinded fortune teller away from it all.

This *** on the stove top
I think might look a lot like me
Boiling, full of steam and bubbles
But exploding over the top
***** water collecting underneath
I listen to Ariana Grande's Dangerous Woman
And its got me thinkin' about the roastin' chicken
So peppered and covered in herbs.

Saw you got tatted up again
I woulda done the same
Snap chat cues me in
Can't forget you
And I don't even try to
I tried. I tried.
My God, I tried.
Met with so much hatred
From someone I exposed my life, my world
My bleeding aching heart
And you saw, you were the one to lead me away
From my gruesome past
And you turned around to be the worst of all.

But I watch that ***
Boiling and steaming
My other room mate turns all the lights off whenever I turn them on
I've got a birthday party I could go to tonight
I took a nap for several hours
But I was so burnt out
Needed to escape.

Its that glorious time
Of rebirth
We stop and check in on our refrains
I admitted to my best friend
That I'm not showin' it
But I feel so ******* lost.

Reminds me of the time
This past October
You were so impatient with me
And my darkness
I understand
You couldn't just sit and watch
But I tried, I tried
I wanted so much
I guess you did too
But we were so
So

Been feeling thrown away
Like I'm one with the garbage disposal
Sitting right next to paper bags and ***** old rags
I blend in like it all makes sense
Trash from a flurry of hands gets thrown on top of us
And we take it, we feel it fall so softly
Flying in the air with a whirl and twirl
And we nod back and forth
I never like anyone any more
I don't even look.

I put my make up on in the mirror
You didn't know I was gonna be at your house
Cuz I play it so ******* cool
Asking myself all day today
What can I do to bring myself happiness?
So I turned off my phone, took my top off
Took care of last minute business
And slept so deeply, so hard
Haunted by a variety of images and voices
You appear and disappear
Showing love and desire
I tell you I don't know either
And I lament and ache with

Why is it never me thats chosen?