Why do I have to learn everything the hard way

I spend many moments
Thinking about how I feel
That no one likes me
Or wants to like me.

I guess I'm just a big hack.

My hands are freezing in the cold
Water trickled and froze
Like sunburned icicles
Down in the Edgewater plane
Where my older love and I
We move through and weave
And I want to say
My fingers freezing and tapping
Endlessly in the wind
Trying to make sense of this
Nonesensical life
It's almost punishment to wait in the cold
Just to go work out and hustle
Into the terrain.

I bought a coffee
To warm my Alabama lungs
It's called Lumberjack
Right by your house
You put on my favorite shirt today
And I know and you know deep
Down
I've done you so much good
And you me.

6 month mark
We comb our hair
The same color
But I know I'm a better blonde
And you too.

I love you so deeply
Though my youthful emotional responses
Feel flurried and scattered
But we grow and go
We grow and go together

No where to sit on the crowded train
Alabama we think this way
Inked up skin
Remember when
It was just you and me
At the candle lit dinner
And of course women want you

You are the best there is.

I think you mean well
I know you want so much
But its time, little lost one
To decide what you want, what you're good at
You can't keep stealing from others
Ambition and tenacity
Any longer.

Here's the thing
At this young point in my life
I do not matter that much
Because there are no dollar signs next to my name
And that cannot change
Until others step up
So desiring it to change
And it reminds me
Of how very alone I am
In this career of mine
That I have chosen
And I will be a master
Of what I know I was meant to do
Whether it matters
To you or you.

Remember how
I know you have chosen to not
You were once going to be the color red
I told you just like Lady MacBeth
A woman keeps spitting near me as I wait for the bus
The only white person in sight
And I'm never afraid
Because what's to be afraid
Like so many would be
In the age of
In this age of
It's a study, a moment to soak up
All there is

A mural of Logan Square
I remembered today
How I fired you
With white blonde hair
And I caught you talking ****
Immediately after
You told me I looked good
And had nothing to say.

I saw the other day
You could not remain
So you defriended my name
I warned you
And this is just the beginning.

My hands are cold as I type this
I saw your cowardice
In the flickers of my iris
Crying on the phone with the new man

But he didn't give up today.
And I hope we never do.

The thing that you don't quite recognize yet
Is that when you yell
And I cry
I am fighting it out with the ghosts of 6 other men
In another plane
Above, below, right, left
In the midst of our present time argument.

This is probably the hardest one to date
As my best friend predicted
Not because it can't stick
But because I have to allow it to stick
And learn through experience
Not to point out how you disappointed me
In the midst of your difficult week
And several glasses of wine
And when you make things extreme
To not nickel and dime.

But the thing that you have to recognize
Is that at this juncture
We are not alone
I could name them all
But they never really mattered
Except to haunt me
And remind me
Of the fall.

I know it's been a tough time
I know you have been at this so long
It's the simple delightful things
Like when I make you laugh on the train
And I'm the first to assume the worst
Think let'***** it and quit it
But I'm next to you
I'm so next to you.

The weather and strife has brought you down
You wear it like a thorn ridden crown
Like King Arthur
Or a Henry from the time before
But you are kinder
Wiser
Gentler
Let that fear and anger subside.

I know I'm not always the most peaceful queen
Next to your side
But I'm learning and growing and too
Must release my south given pride
But I'm here for you and I want this
May we make this world a better place
With our playful mischief
And remember to always remember
The bright side.

The vibration of Chicago is very high
I find my head swirling and hurting all too often
So I allowed myself halfway through today
To just say
Maybe today is your day, mama.

I don't feel like I really have many true friendships here
Its work and nothing but work
I am happy
And then sometimes I am very much not
And the idea that it will take years
For me to settle in the way I did Philadelphia
Creates a wearisome feeling in my chest.

Everything is very far
And not incredibly safe
I love living alone
But I'm not quite comfortable
Yet in my own nest
I prefer to have my man around
To keep nestled in and safe
But he too, suffers from the cut throat
Stressful vibration
And in the midst of all that tension
I'll think
We aren't LA. We aren't NYC
The extension out to the rest of the world is higher
Than Philadelphia and most cities
But my God
Its not that big a deal
You just aren't THAT big a deal Chicago
And I'm sure I will outgrow you at some point too.

So today is just a day
Of feeling like everything is locked in place
Do I matter?
Does my work matter?
Do you matter?
Is this ever going to ******* go anywhere?

I don't know
Today I just have no answers
And thats okay.

If we all thought back on our past
And contacted those we hurt along the way and sincerely apologized What would that look like?

Caused some pain in the past
Says the mouth of a horse
That kicked me 15
20 feet up in the air
Mama gotta meddle
Bobble heads beggin' your driven it all away
Can't stop, obsessive
Gritty, angry
Green green everything a faded green
In the month of November.

Tragedy is full of horrors
And a fleeting little light
Deleted, gotta hide that innermost thought
Everybody scared of what they got.

I'm the woman
Who reaches out
Despite the flooded red sea
High and ominous around me
A turbulent youth dream
Thats what I said
Thats what I said
Internet rather hear about my relationship
Than my line of work
'Cuz we a misogynistic nation.

Got nothin' else to spare
But yet I'd give the clothes off my back
Woman surrounded by red walls
Bought it in France
Tracing the figurines of romantic peril
With the tips of need to forgive
Hands
A carriage of snakes and trope like dragons
We hungry, we hungry
Called to the principals office
I was called the female Stephen King.

Can't go back
Nor would I
Sorry hurt you baby girl
But can't change it
If you don't voice it

Why is everyone so silent?
These are the hands that elected a reality tv show.

My dog just knocked scalding hot tea out of my hand
And onto me
And my mother tried to put her hand over
Where I showed her it burned me
And closed her eyes and murmured a prayer
And I shrugged her off
And said thats not what I believe.

Forever the black sheep.

I wish my parents
My brothers
My friends
Asked real honest questions
Even sincere small talk
About what I'm working on, would do
I always notice when they do not.
Carefully checking it off in the peak of my brain
And I'll later feel resentment
Later, more at me than them
"Why. Why do I harbor that?"
As if ammunition in the gun to my own head
For later use.
And the ****** up thing
Is I know the truth
But can't you see?
Can't you be happy for me
But really
It just doesn't matter that much to them
Is the sad but real truth
(Which I get, to an extent)
But my God
We are a selfish crew
But look,
With long lean hands
I could flip through a photo album
So they could see, understand, believe, and love
The memories I've made

But they seldom do.

Then again
I could and need to do better too.

If I still find myself writing about it
Does that mean I have not fully recovered from it?

Even though the bones of moving past whats long gone
No longer swirls above and below
Still in the peak of what has occurred
It lingers with a damp tan spike
Held together with fire hair
And a wind pipe, thrusted together with
This must be it, this must be it.

But there is still apart of me
That even still
Moves past the drunken ******* nights
The mold growing inside my skull
Forgotten drunk whispered statements
As the wind blew up my skirt
Echoing "You're so new. You're so new"
Until like whiplash
That was no longer an excuse.

But I'll shake my head
As it feels like yesterday
A pink apron, baseball cap
Herding my phone
As if every second
My skin grew purple
Condensed  
And as if there was not already
A palpitating strangeness
That questioning of goodness
Faith, where I wonder and examine
The truth every ounce of every glass.

Could turn them all upside down
As they dripped and conceived nothing
And yet my mind would still fabricate more.

Partially because
I awoke to what I knew
Was bathed in grease
But still held on
For fear of
That newness
And placement
Confidence
In that virginity
It comes, it comes
But grappling with new and fleeting
Moments, meaningful words exchanged
And then gone again
I wish as if I could record and collect them all
For those moments where like wheels spinning on ice
I see horrors
I cannot tell
But only show.

With my writings
With my movies
With my aura
That when tapped into
Can radiate a power beyond expertise.

A time and a place
And a coo and an embrace
We etch our baby talk in simmering salt
I remark I know just the warmth of your smell
And the way your cheeks are a fuzzy ruddy red
When those sweet nurturing eyes
Open and gaze at me
In the early morning light.

From the beginning
I felt a sophisticated maturity
Glazed with elation
That still whistles in my ear
As I cuddle up next to you
In the little home we are growing together.

I remember you were sweaty
The first time we met
The fumes of a business day leaking out
Of your masculine
But sensitive pores
Me, dressed entirely in white
We drank an entire bottle of red wine
Recalling how it happened
I look so eager to returning to you
In the love of December.

As it continued on
And even still in moments
I would narrow my green snake eyes
Words and actions so generously
Flow from you
But I know I too
Can teach you a thing or two
And you would gaze back at me
Across your (I think its?) marble stone counter
Nothing to challenge
No cool retort to gain
Just with those open, soft, knowing
Eyes of abundance.

I push my own buttons
And have timed myself accordingly
We've both noticed I've settled down a decibel or two
Since the moment I met you
Its challenging the junctures we hit
Where I think and I say
"In a lot of ways, you're watching me grow up"
And you always let me have it
You let me have my moments of shinedom
And moments of my inexplicable darkness
But still tip your hat
To tilt and repeat to say
Baby the worlds a big place.

I haven't really seen or done all that much
But then again I have
I feel jealousy over any thought of you without me
Because its innate in me
But I'm growing and going
My own way as you travel alongside me.

Been much like
Those years that swam and swung by
Long sweaters covering dainty wrists
To hide the cuts and twists
Bathroom felt like a sanctuary
In the darkest corners
Of a small town
I knew not how to fully express myself in.

Wispy moon hair
And the confidence to do as one pleased
Kept it at ease
From those that liked
But didn't, couldn't
Want to fully support
Alabama leaves
Blowing through trees
Into a higher vibration.

An adult now
But sometimes no such thing
In the pit of butterfly guts
Collecting fiber, wood for fire
A tray filled of what wasn't said
Shown, or given
Fighting those entities daily
As to not
Wallow in
The all too familiar feeling
Of that corner
Of the sky blue
Pepto-bismol pink
And on into a limey seafoam green.

So we become a scientist
A philanthropist
An alchemist concocting
What measurable amount
Of joy
Can be found
In each corner
Of this room?

Yellow archways
Look and resemble
A woman's chest
We pick out fantastical
Strongly grooming
Your young nieces
I can do that.

It's always a choice
And you are always mine.

You let me Teedle and trot
Glittery unicorn face
I texted you last night and said
"I am so loved"
"Yes you are baby."

And I fight with shadows often
Not all for not
But because of the deep momentous
Commitment and passion
I can give to you
And just you
And you to me.

I nearly cried as we kissed farewell for now
6 days to soak up my own roots
I see you
In my favorite plaid shirt
A graceful pup
She runs ahead of us
And protects me fiercely
Loving you unconditionally

It's just always been you.

I ridded myself of you
Like one would an addiction
And it pained worse than any substance
Because I had just tasted all of you.

Several hot cups
Pour a little syrup in
Prepare for open eyes
Fake red birds hang off of my blinds
I sit in front of a tremendous view of the city
In my bathrobe
Watching and researchin'
That inner grit within me.

Had to take a pass for now
Was so soaked, tuned in
To the fear, the hatred
Angry at all the red stop signs
I **** right past
Bits of news that scramble our eggs
Because my heart just can't take it right now.

Its the truth, its been this age
We just were so blind to it
As a chorus of women sang
"When Hillary wins"
And we watched in inner horror
As trumpets rang.

I'm a jealous woman
But its not because of any one thing
Jousting with shadows
My love, he's just so genuine
Its never easy
But he got my back
My God, he's got my back
In a place
Where I often feel misunderstood.

I gave my cat away
Watched my favorite pants and dresses go
Hauled my bed away with my ex lover
Kissed it all so quickly
And I'm happier now that I moved
But its been a year and a half
And sometimes its still like whiplash.

I can see the Chicago Tribune from my house
Its been a week
I need to go forget my name
For a few
Maybe several
Hours tonight.

Things are different now
I think as I remember that black faux leather dress
The one that got away with the woman
I did not know until I set foot in her house
I as per usual,
Pull back branches glancing
At what it looked like then and that
I become so heated
Sipping a ****** mary
Discussing the negative friendship
Of a friend
And its so strange
The way the words come from my lips
Much like a break up
Eve said to me
I don't think it will ever be fruitful
To pick up a pen
Try to create again
With a wooden stool
It was  much, much
Like a break up.

At times
I'll think angry poetry in my head
Or just poetry at all times
I wish I could jot it all away
But I let the phrases echo and stream right through
I really need to start writing again
More and more often.

Space back to myself
Lets wear white tomorrow
I leave town in two days time
I can't wait
For trees
For sunshine
For the quiet sweet murmur
My voice will take on
As I coach myself on along.

Everything is different now
A tender bear of a man
Welcomes me with open arms
Girlfriends here my age or younger  ask questions
But I know they cannot fully appreciate
Comprehend
That love
It can be long lasting.

I don't need
To make proclamations
Because I just know.

I admitted
To Eve
The Eve that stole the apple from the tree
After the serpent whispered
Go on along girl
And say in short circuited voices over the phone
The world really hates women
Its not as strong here, that bond
But last night I felt the most untampered elation
That I think I've ever felt.

I'm often disappointed
With the immense self involvement around me
And I've seen how its adapted, altered design
But I think of the ***** snow
And we would hustle and grow
Because we just had to
I just had to.

A switching of trees
As if jumping from a coop
To the nest
I wonder if my own paranoia
Creates memorabilia
Of the presence, the past
Sometimes I wish I encountered less
As to soften the disappointment
For my hatchet covered in guided flowering friendships
But then a chrysalis intertwining it, let it go sweet girl
I remember I went on a date with a beautiful man
Before I left Philly town
And he asked me if I thought I was a spoiled millennial
Sometimes people are just selfish ******* *****.

It is difficult for me to relate emotionally
To those lacking empathy
And the desire to listen.

A sense of belonging
A sense of rising into place
Laughter, giddiness, discussion of love for work
It surrounded me
So yes, it hurt
When a group of girlfriends complained
About their intense hatred for commercials
When I seek to stone by stone
Perhaps
Change the nation
But I want to live so fruitfully
Quiet glamour and honesty
Live a passionate love filled life
Covered in not what's right
But what is good
Good for the soul, humanity
And it will make me think of the bar entitled Green Eyes
And the dates I went on
Or how I got too skinny
Because I was so sad
Where I walked away having gotten the energy
I am sure I was exhibiting
And I feel and take hits very intensely
I was
In my red coat
And I'll be in it once again

But everything has changed.
I would gaze up at the moon
I'll gaze up again
Brave. Thats a word I often hear

Its time for bed.

The moment I stood onstage
Next to an older white male filmmaker
And everyone asked him questions
And only one to me

Right then I should have known
The temperature is the age of Trump.

Worn out
Dollar bills they aren't flashing
But I'm grinding into the underground
Joy, elation tough maintain
Got some respect
But not quiet enough
I'm hard to please
Hard to linger in the precipice
Of never stopping
But no set routine.

My baby
He's a honey bear
He's always on the edge of his seat
With work
With me
We keep him moving
Living so quickly
Music slows me to drink up
A cinematic gratitude
I otherwise might chalk up as
A hardship too.

I got everything though
Don't I?
Don't I

I almost sat with my bare bottom
On a pile of glass
Traffic flows the worst
At the 6pm hour
Back hurts from carrying the weight
Of it all

But with every slight
There's an article a meme
Created to juxtapose
Our strife.

I see man
Don't get high little gypsy woman
When you can't relax and gotta tip tap
You're still so new

I look more and more like
A CEO
As each day passes
And I contemplate
Auditioning, submitting
And the thought
Exhausts me.

This time last year
My sleep deprivation
Was a different embraced entity
I did everything I could
To party and **** the pain away
And now there's no turning away.

The eyes and faces that greet me
They all work with me
And sometimes
It's absolutely grueling.


I got my boots on
It's clearly so time for a break
But this is just the beginning of the week
Sleep sleep sleep
It becomes so clear my apartment is just meant for one
After several days time
It's okay baby
Let's get dinner after
Like you suggested
And be at our best.

But my god
It's a trying time.

My favorite thing about you
Is that you are so good
At being the we
To my me.

My own father just now
Told me that right or wrong
Donald Trump is our president
He is going to hope the best
Myself and others can get over it.

I don't need to listen
I don't want to ******* listen
I have shown and exhibited my kindness
My tolerance
**** ANYONE THAT THINKS ANY OF THIS IS OKAY.

I burnt my forehead
The day before election day
I broke some aloe vera plants
Prepared to needle and thread
The damage I had done.

Check the bag
A blood red
The ointment the plant creates
Oozing and healed up in red
Like a severe cut
I had laid upon them
To heal my wound.

I'm full of white guilt
I've been so angry
We out here
Those I love and respect take the streets
And I plan to partake
I'm with you, I'm so with you
I'm so with you.

I think perhaps
Theres something innate in those
That choose blue
And those that choose red.

Heres some fruit
Some almonds
I'm writing, I'm trying
Its not for vanity anymore
It never was meant to be.

I asked myself in the heat of the charcoal
What can I do
To be a better human?

Blood in the aloe vera bag
White guilt in the peak of the darkness
All I can do is be the strongest I can be.

Run
Get strong *****
You're gonna need it.

I feel an anxiety
Over the ticking clocks that I know
Tomorrow will bring
Baby told me his sister said
Papa don't wanna even meet me unless Imma vote
And I was thinkin' out on my run
Its hard to catch many flies with moss.

I get real tired of smiling and taking hits
I've gotten to this place where I don't got the patient for it
No more
So I elect to do what I really would rather do instead
Honey bear, he wants me back in his home and bed again
I know we got our own places and spaces
I lingered in your room for a second after we got home
And opened your closet to see if a dead body hid
Between your expensive shirts
And soft pastel colored cotton.

I found no dead body.

Perfect excuse to miss the fueled fire of a miss
Who probably needs to let her cruel walls fall down
Like humpty dumpty who fell and cracked
In bits and pieces
And my motto now
Is grow with me or go.

I don't owe you nothin' girls.

But I do know
You'll catch more insects
Of every kind
With honey.

Somewhere along the road
Entrenched in newness, coming of age
Finding my way
That house that smelled a certain way
Or two
A ******* that occurred outside of my bedroom
The nights where I watched you leave
And go surreptitiously to the bed of the wrong man
I screamed and cried into my breakfast
Again and again
Like here I am stuck
Trapped in this pile of filth
My room was my only real solace.

And I'll look back at pictures now
See how my emotions and feelings have changed
Wonder and ponder
What changed and made it this way?

Its this overcoming feeling as if
A series of balloons filled with hot air
Circle in repetitive motions around me
I remember keeping my very blonde head down
Being lead through the crowd
My God how we did have fun.

And it doesn't all have to be over
I saw you go through so much
And you were really there for me
When no one else was
But as time wore on
I found myself drifting further and further
From those that saw it all go down.

Maybe its just my evolution
I'm not angry
Just on thin ice
Around you and your balloons of hot air
That voice a frenzy and yell eons
Of I want this
I want to be that
Here, there
Me me me me me me me me me
And as I've pushed back the leaves
To better comprehend this beast
I just cannot tell you
The relaxation that comes over me
As I walk into my own space
My own home
No interruptions
No scurrying feet behind me in the kitchen


I think you will grow
I know I am
You love to say dig deeper
So do.

The thing is
Is that each moment or word
Responsibility
Exchanged in the universe
I strap it onto my back
While fighting its weight
From overtaking me.

I'm not sure
Maybe we are all just growing up
Or growing down
I can see circular yellow lights
Behind my blinds
And I came home a little depressed
Just none of it's the same.

I don't expect it to be
But it's just all such an uphill constant climb
My girlfriends here don't know how to talk to me
And I feel an anxiety when I spend time with them
Because they just don't get me
In a certain way

And it's tough right now
The world is evolving
I told my boyfriend my ideas are being made before I get to them
Everyone knows the market is changing

Here's how.

The left part of my head
Has been spazzing
Not enough sleep or rest
And I feel like I can't really complain
Because I'm just an ******* if I do
But ****.

I get to work
In my hours of what's supposed to be alone time
And it's not so much just a hyper focus
To the point I can't listen to those I love any longer

It's just that if I don't do it
It will never get done.

I'm so sick of everything meaning something
But no one says anything
Or if they do it's with such analytical eyes
All of them. All of them.
Wish I could
Just turn off my mind.

I'm really not sure
And the night was filled with lots of color
But she thought she could be honest
And tell me how much better looking than my boyfriend I am
And I'm not gonna be any less of her friend
But I told her that would be the thing
No matter what the thing
And we laughed
We did
But after
It made me sorta sad
I don't know why it's so hard sometimes
To try and just really feel content.

But
There is always a but
I do feel a little attacked these days
More on my guard
I think I'm just so tired
But I procrastinate on sleep

But I can't complain
Because so is everyone.

Tennis shoes and overalls
So little on my face
But I still get singled out
In prophetic movements towards
A colorful flowing light
And then I'll make a mistake
Ebb and flow again

I won't and can't lie
October always a hard time
But I'm interested in breaking patterns
Repeat
I'm interested in breaking unhelpful habits
Swan legs
Head PA said I got such a face
I look like I oughta be in front of the camera
I love it when everyone thinks I'm 22
And they all say my name like they
Swallowed a bag of glittery marbles
And I duck my head down
And sometimes don't understand
But go at it
Again and again

I'd rather sit
In the chair that unfolds
And will read my last name on the back
A mentor of mine said yesterday
We discussed what it means to be a director
He said its one of two things
You either enjoy the process
Or you like listening to yourself.

But what if I'm also just a visionary
And it's time some **** got made
And it's tough 'cuz sometimes folks
They just out to get me
But then again I will hear swarms of flies
And maybe it's all just in my head.

I don't quite know yet
A woman today spoke in a hushed tone
And told me not to say as a PA that I wanna be a director
But then we both sorta laughed
And said **** it.

I'm gonna go to my boyfriends house now
I think I might marry this man
Yes yep
I think I might marry this man
And I think he might marry me.
Everyone knows you baby
They got nothin' but the best things to say
And I break habits
Remember and surpass patterns
Voice what I feel
Grow with me or go
All of you

I don't ever  wanna fight with chaos
Or cruelty
I'm so sorry you feel shut down sister
I'm so sorry you feel diminished
I want you to feel good and strong
You deserve it so.

But I'm just a girl
In an orange hat
22
But really 26
With a face
That hopes and just goes
With sincereity
And vigor.

I've decided that I think that the women of Chicago
Are really pretty mean.

I'm not sure what it is
But they need a unified reason
To bring them all together
So that their claws lower
And cease
And desist.

And like a flash
My heart feels an eruption
Of vulnerable openness and emotion
And the feelings that I tip toed
My arched feet dancing across
The mirages of memories
I saw and relived in every corner
My every corner
And just as we took off
The immense love and affection
For a group of women I spent
Serious time
Summoning into my life
And just like that I'm gone again.

This morning the sun woke me up
Light from the windows
Saying
Little swan girl
It's time to go
Fuzzy and white, demure
And so smart
You have to go.

The flight attendant
Asked me what I wanted
And I felt this huge urge
After smiling sincerely
And that's something that's changed in me
These past few days
The blade that I've been holding up so high
Between my humility and my heart
Has begun to dissipate
So I can't help but feel warm wet tears
Trickle and collide
Behind my need to conceal my eyes
In vintage sunglasses.

I hid a string of thyme in my breast
A girlfriend handed it to me gingerly
Along with a basil leaf
I might be more connected to plants
And the moon
Than anything else.

And I remember
Cleaning every crevice of my old apartment
That I traipsed past yesterday
My hand wrapped around the bar of the iron gate
Observing
And wondering
And releasing.

Perhaps I am overly sentimental
I diminish my own thoughts and feelings
Very often
But the truth is
Is that it took years
To curate, exert, and go through the marathon
To surround myself with the epitome of feminine strength and honest enduring companionship
And if it was the right thing for me to do with my path
I could give up everything in my new life
To return
All of it.

I just felt like I'm always flying away.

But it's just not
What should happen
Is the fact
And that perhaps might be what is the most vulnerable
Because life was so good
And is so good
And it's been so ******* hard
To go at it so stealthily
Independently.

But I'm so thankful
I feel so very privileged
Lucky
Aware
I am incredibly ******* brave.

My best friend told me recently
That I clearly am destined for great things
And I know I have been the epitome of blessed
I'm not sure what I did to deserve it all
But my god it's all been so ******* hard
And so worthwhile.

I was starting to wonder
Hearing my own line from a film in my head
"I've just about seen and done it all"
And I was starting to feel like
That was utter and complete horse ****
And in two days time

I realized
No it's not baby girl
You had to start all over again
For the 19393939 time
It's okay to not know what to say
Or to worry how you are perceived
You are soft and beautiful
And you have seen and done so much
There's just such light ahead.

My nails are a jet green
I woke up, the sun framing me and the door
In the land of Philadelphia
As if to say
Go on ahead little queen
Get started on kissing and reminiscing things
It's as special as you believe it is.

So go on ahead.

And as I glided through
The chandeliers and memories of yesteryear
I thought:
"My new life began here, as quickly as it ended"
It was like whiplash.

And now
It just doesn't have to be so painful anymore
Year one has been flipped past.

Although I could lay in a warm oyster
With the pearls and calamities of what has gone right
And what has felt wrong
And though some heads might turn to me
And ponder
Why must you still think on it?
My brain, my heart, my thoughts
Must always decipher
Visualize
Create
And move on along.

It had me thinking
About the times I yelled for you outside of your window
I was convinced you had a woman up there with you
(I never found out if you did)
I think of mustard yellow
And the blue of your eyes
I wonder if you are well
When we were single and lonely
You were a hit on my list
We no longer speak
I know you are a danger to me
And for that reason
I nod but watch
Kissing and smoking on rocks
Petting lamb chop
Breakfasts and fantasizing about dogs
I felt so nervous so lost
Always had bottles of liquor around
My girlfriends ate your chocolate birthday cake
And drank blood out of your glasses
I spent the summer trying to win you back
And it worked so well
My God, thinking back
It worked so well
And then it all shattered before me again
Until I let you in to kiss me and forget me
Abandon and leave me
And it took me falling into cinema
To watch you go
And be so glad
You were really mean anyway.

This one.
I think he might still live in my old house
I wonder and feel wary to walk by
Tomorrows time
But I have so little to lose now
We saw you where you work
My ex pulled me away
We didn't stay to eat
He told me you laughed mockingly
When you realized it was me
I felt your tension your violence
After all of the years of silence
You wanted to marry me so
But you ripped holes in the wall next to my head
And I fought back in moments of fear
For what was I supposed to do
When you were a monster
Who can lose?

A set of long eyelashes or two
Avocados pile up and they cruise
I heard your father passed away
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry
And thats all I can really say
I gave you my bed frame
Some lamps and some things
You were so sad to watch me go
Made love to me on the floor
I think I cried
But I was so ready so ready to fly
You weren't bad just crass
And not for me or my.

So many lovers lost and confused
I ripped up leaves and settled them too
I'll smell fall air
The wind in my hair
And remember how I whimpered and sang
"He's not here, he's just not here."

And then you came.

I can skip over the distraction of boredom and lust
I ran face first into dust
The dust of bones buried
The dust of bones renewed
And hang my hat on a stoop
I think back on it now
And see a flurry of red flags
High and mighty in the ground or the sea
Every small and big act
Just wrong
So wrong
Hesitant from the start
So willing
For fear
Until we ripped apart
And I'm so glad we did.

And it was all so worth it.
Because it brought you to me,
Cannon.

A tingling wetness in eyeball sockets
Coo into the 8th floor high rise
Outlooking a city that ebbed and flowed
With its foggy productive matter
My love gingerly cooked nutrients into our bodies
As I got to work, so quick
So quickly.

Its been a whirlwind
I'll return to Philadelphia
For what will be
The fourth time since I left town
Left town gave all my things away
Lady Liberty arrived so early
I had to say goodbye in such a hurry
How I cried and cried
On the shuttle that day.

I'll never forget the way the weather smelled
Or my fathers bright but tired face
Blue eyes saying
You brought yourself here little girl
Now lets hope for the best
A new roommate
Her hair an echoing brown red
She hovered in my doorway
As I unpacked and unloaded
The little and a lot
That I had.

Weeks and months whizzed by
I made friends at the blink of an eye
It took no effort
No it took no effort
And now when I think back
It reminds me of when I transferred in middle school
There was the popular girl group
And the ****** theatre arty girls
And the popular girl group wanted
Me to be one of them so badly
And I tried
For a time
But soon enough kept finding myself
Quietly withdrawing
Too strange and creative
I tried with one or two of them
To bring them into a new circle
And it didn't quite work
No it didn't quite work
So we remained respectful
But I built my own tribe.

And much like that time
It bled into adulthood
Made friends so fast
We drank too much
Lip synced in basements
Cards upon cards
I had my eye on one in particular
I thought we might have fun
You wanted so badly to be everything you're not
Little one
And for that
I can secretly forgive you.

And everything now
Is just about as it should be
I struggle and I lift
Myself off the ground
With joyful bounds of exuberance
And low points of self hatred
And I interweave and find the leaves
Connections and streams
Between it all.

A wedding
This time last year
A past ex lover took me to a wedding
I know someday I might pass you by
Remember how I told you
Trying to make you spend time with me
Outside of your posse
Was like pulling teeth
That you would see my name everywhere?

But I'm back in my computer chair
My love, he's so confident and stable
We have the best time
And it can just be
Me
And
He.

I feel a lot of things
And I feel a lot of things all the time
Theres not always a safe space to express them
And I drank an 11 dollar ****** ***** martini tonight
Because I really wanted to try and be my best me.

My limbs rest and glide upon
A soft hazel conundrum
Of astounding support and a wide gaping
Internal struggle
A struggle to be and exist
In the most invested and sincere way
To create, give, and provide
And its true
I know no one else sees it
But I look at myself now
And fear whats here
Whats coming
What was
What is.

And I charge ahead
With my phrases
That provide a safety net
For what could, whats well kept
And nobody else here would know
Or maybe they sense it
And thats why they are so drawn
To my own interior monster.

I know we all feel it
We feel useless at times
Like no good
The least unique
I wonder if I will grow old
Highlighting the wonder and beauty of others
And it makes my girlfriends and I wail
That such a troll
Could seek vengeance on national television
Against another woman's
Husband’s
Misdemeanors.
And simply state
He has not
It was nothing
But just
Boys will be boys
Talk.

But no one can say that
No one can really point out
Just how ****** up
And triggering
Heart wrenching
And shaky she must have felt
To have the love of her life
Sit in the audience
With those
He may or may not
Have touched
Without her grace.

I'm just angry sometimes
I get pink and feel hot
I would have been a terrific lawyer
My mother goes to court for charges
Against a violent and cut throat neighbor
The day after my screening
In the month of November

And the world wonders
Why are women so angry?

So get your ******* keys back
Not because I'm worried you want her ***** more than mine
But because I'm here now
And what we share
Is for us to define.

It's a good day
To live in the neck of
Sweet Chicago land
I burnt my finger this morning
On some boiling tea
And my baby held me so sweetly
So tenderly
This morning
Each time he left the bed
To prep for his morning.

We can feel that everything is changing
Trump isn't sniffing
He's taking in large inhalation of breath
Because his voices tremors
And is swept in a great defeat
He's already lost
My angels
Now let's make it a fact.

I wonder
I test and trickle along
Was I so wrong
So right
I'm a monster, a ghost
I hold my flag up high
And yet at times
I feel so deeply alone.

Last years time
Time Hop reminds me
Oh sweet girl
Remember your lost qualities
Sleeping in mermaid leggings
Dirt on your face
Zoom in and out of focus
I didn't know
I didn't know
But god how I tried.

My life
It looks like what I want
And my interior
We play catch up
Making sweeping big decisions
In moments of built up hysteria
I reveal to you
I had to see if you could survive
And you always do.

It's sunny and bright
With a lovely autumn chill
I take the train home
Don't even mind
I know what must be done
And though a few words of
Oh how you have wronged us
Along the way
I dismantle them and say
No
I did what was right
For me.

Things I'd like to do
Have white women
That throw away white people
Shut the **** up
Play Beyoncé
And look **** in my solo ness
Have a Russian woman
Brush me off
And then later tell me
I look just like Gwen Stefanie
Whatever makes you feel good girl
Cuz I'll still be
More brilliant
And resilient
Than you
And any of you
Cuz I'm the queen of
Everyland.

My hair is still slightly damp
My socks fall down from the edge of my knees
I ate too many black beans
And my love whispered **** things
And I saw it all in the peak of my mind
Like his body and my body they
We're together in sound, smell, function
But I disappeared to a lone island
And dug my heels into heavy dirt.

Every day I'm learning to love myself
And sometimes it helps to paint it out
So much has changed
It's nearly given me whiplash
And somedays I'm so gracious so grateful
And like a bolt of lightning through the air
The next day I carry a fog with me.

I get to work on set tomorrow
I become more and more over it
As I spend time behind a desk
Making less money than I deserve
With serves that don't see the merit
I'm doing their hostesses right
But still I smile and act kind
Because it's not worth the misery
Unless I've slipped it under my feet
Along with the heavy dirt
From the island of lone.

I'm so lucky
I'm the luckiest
I should be so thankful
And each day a flurry of hateful thoughts
Some days louder and more noticeable
Echo and fluctuate
Echo and fluctuate

7am call time
It would be easier to sleep in my own bed
But all I want tonight
Is to go learn some things
To give and receive love
To eat autumnal portions
Nuzzle and find contentment
Purpose
Be myself
And wake up happy to be alive.

A glass of red wine
You always give me your seat
We drank it up
The cute business woman next to us
Who spoke English so articulately to us
And then a fluid, quick Spanish to the bartender
Said with charm and cleverness:
"Get a to go cup!"

We ate so, so very well
And held hands in the sun
You are the first to take me all in
Your fingers fearlessly interlocked with mine
I'm not sure what I did to make you love me so well
But the mornings where we wake up
Before the sun
We coo and we cuddle
Those are my favorite.

Every morning we rose
In the California sunshine
I felt like I had so very much to live for
And the majority of the time
Was such a good version of myself
We act like kitty cats
Goblins
Lovers impassioned
And speak and mirror
Kiss and make love
I get jealous
I always have
As I pose among the sheets fully ****
And you were so joyful
That I had returned,
To you.

Two different places to stay
You, you like adventure
I have always wrangled and ripped my neck around
Like I was a wild large fish
Stuck in the throat with a fisherman's hook
They pulled me up and held me
Posed with my fins
Like I was the perfect temporary prize
Some threw me back into the sea
Some pinches and wounds from the steel
And some, well
They carved me up
And ate me later for lunch.

We communicate
As if always dancing and prancing
On the same page
You wine and dine
Like I've always dreamed
And my favorite thing
Is how your mood brightens
The moments after you have wet your lips
With fluids from glasses
Or in between my thighs.

Its the little things
And the ultra extravagant things
Like how you sat on the edge of the tub
As I sank down into the water
My scales revealed and open
But you don't lure me in with morsels
Or weld me into a taxidermy on your wall
But we
(I say we now)
But my absolute favorite
Is when you express what we like or do
To others
And I can hear my individuality
And our togetherness
Your individuality
And our togetherness
In every vocal sound
That formulates
On your crisp pointed lips.

And we plotted out the rest of our night
As you sat on the edge of the tub
My favorite would be
How you bring me coffee the mornings we are both around
Or how we always bounce back
Once my little eyes are open
And you love it how I squint when I laugh
And all last night you would look over so dotingly
And whisper
As if the whole room could hear your passion
But were too numb to listen:
"I love you."

I love seeing the expressions in your eyes
Your lips
Or your pointed bald eagle nose

You just
You're my person.

We're all so ******* glad you're here.

Green comfort just like the old fashioned diaper
I carried around in longer hands
******* my *******
I know I lost my temper
Two days ago
I cleaned up the pieces of the coffee mug I broke
Because I've been and I had seen that violence before
I left my wreckage to be found
Among the bones of an apartment on Pine
Maybe it was Spruce?
His bed was blue
Some artists spray painted on the air conditioning unit
And I was scared and small
So I told my best friend on the bed
While she existed and too, loved the wrong man
"I think I'm done."

I wonder what the insides of my eyeballs must have looked like
Perhaps like I was staring through the end of a telescope
In such need and hope
That I could cut the cord on my own finish line
And just be done
I've always felt eons older than I am.

Like when I was 12 or 13
I wanted so badly to be grabbed
Caressed
I had licked the stuffing of my biggest teddy bear
During the steamy moments of my favorite movies
Or swallowed and played with marbles
Like Doctor, like brother, best friends
Long platinum blonde hair
Nuzzling against the facet or jets in a pool
So eager, so sensational, so ready
To be mature.

I'm 26 now
And I'm interested in everything
But sometimes I struggle to listen
Not because I don't care
Or because I'm a weak connection
But because the wheels never stop spinning
Processing, creating, mobilizing
And as I went and moved
From painting to painting
Sculpture to sculpture
Word for word
Prop to prop
Of my favorite filmmaker
I soaked in every artifact
As the spine of my back
Strengthened in muscle and life.

But the thing is
I told my love
I'm always 12 steps ahead
Its not a blessing or a curse
But just now I was writing with my fingertips
A childish ******* to a museum of carefully curated treasure
To seeing in my minds eye:
A bright pink cupcake dress
Short bobbed hair
My best friend at the time
(I had to walk away from her, like so many before)
Snapped a photo of me on a bench
On my birthday
As the love in my life at that time
Cooked pumpkin bars
And I came home to you
In that little horror house
(My best friend use to call it "Amityville")
And it was...festered with ghosts and a ***** hardwood floor
And I made myself feel happiness
I did.
I think it worked for a moment.

But I'm 26 now
And I'm back in the cold gloom of Chicago
A place that makes total sense
For me to groom and grow in my own dark art
Not every night
But my love he doesn't wait for me
Or cook pumpkin bars
Because he listens to my dreams
And with his strong healthy hands
He wraps his arms around me and says:

You are everything.

And I think and I examine
Am I?

And thats why I do what I do.

It is dark out
I smoke out of an elephants trunk
I named him Louis XIV
The sun king who ruled a european country for 72 years
The longest reign
And we griple and we grapple
About Clinton & Donald.

But its us who put them in the chair
And now its us who have to appoint
The right sun queen.


But what do we know?
Did we forget all the history we learned
So tediously
In our years of high.

I walked into your home
You looked nice
Like a damp spring or the end of summer day
And you walked up to me
My lips and my skirt matching
Your eyes looked like deep brown puddles
Marbles I would play with or swallow
As a child
And you said so calmly and with such immense love
And a tinge of fear of the possibility of me ever
Disappearing
And you said
"I do know that you feel things so deeply. I'm really. Really sorry."

Your lips in a little frown
Like you might sob
And you kissed me
And all would be well.

And that feeling
Like decaying recycled smoke
Blew its way up my dress
And sank me down into your bed
Your couch
Your kitchen counter
As you told me 10 more minutes
20
An hour went by
And I put on a brave face
And fled.

You didn't mean it
I get caught up in all the darkness
Please be light
Just be the light
Because I sparkle and ooze
Such presence
I hope we can make up
And leap over this
Little
Plight.

Don't you see that I feel everything so deeply?

People that hold joints
Longer than they should
They wear red
He didn't believe me
When I shared my love
He's telling me
I destroy
In my way
Inspire
Present time
We speak
And it's green
And ****
And there's love
But so
Quiet.

I feel so ready
To exist and thrive
Stand naked and beautiful
In whatever
Capacity
In my own snake skin

I guess something really
To just keep in mind
From time to time
Is that you HAVE only been here for a short amount of time
And its okay to still be finding your way
And the people that are your people.

I'm the best at dipping out and leaving

Without a trace.