And then I'm on a couch
The sun slightly coming in
My love and I
He goes to the Vegan Vortex
I stay behind
To go my own way
Once he's gone on to do what he wants
Offered we could get picked up in 30
45
But thats not what I want to do
And its my birthday.
Almost.
Not because I'm angry
But because
I make my own way.

I laid in the bed for many hours last night
He wanted to give me some space
And I retraced with fine lines
I'll show myself out
And lock the door behind me
With my key.
With my
With my key.
And free myself
While holding my own insides.
What the past had done
What it looked and breathed like
And saw it shift and whimper past
As if it had come and gone
Hearing the poetic antics in my head.

I feel used and like a trophy
85 percent of the time
And its not 'cuz I don't get real solid lovin'
But they all eating and wanting
They all hacking and placating
I echo and hum
I could make it all without you.

But I'd rather not.
Join me if you dare.

And I know
I'll get texted all day
With love and pictures
But I think I'll go make up shopping.
Maybe jog.
Steam.
And bathe in the wonders of the female body
With some fellow queens.

Sometimes I fall into a well of strife
And feel so ever disheartened
Laying in our sweat,
We both lament being in power
At times
LA in two days
My 26th in 3
I could cry and be upset
Perhaps hurt
You go have a day without me
I could hurry and get ready
As to not miss free big meals

But I'd rather
Be on my own clock.

Not that much
Has changed.

Black velvet
It's time to whip out a shred
Of the black velvet.

***** nails
Could use a manicure
I listen deeply
To the tunes that
Serenaded my life
This time last year
The saddest part about us
Peter Pan
Is that I was
So ******* hopeful.

But I have to utter
With a resounding sound
That my mildew days
Have come to a complete end.

Plants absorb other plants
Energy
My baby sent me an article
All about it
I'm trying to actively listen
And read more.

It's all a balancing act
And it's my season
Everything's really
Pretty **** good
But oh so
Different.

This is year 2
High describing moments
We could capture
With our evocative
Lens.

We slide on through
The Cubs game traffic
My face is so tired
Luxuriate in a bath
Orange mouth
Hair tosseled and fresh
Today was so very long
And fulfilling.

We burn with might
I worry and read into
Almost everything
But I'm solid at what I do
And though I'm weary
Sleepy
Hopeful
Definitely in need of comfort
I hear of the past and don't even laugh
I'm so glad it's no longer.
And a thought occurred to me today
My God, I hope this one works out.
So do
Jump with me love
We don't have to be a fairytale
Or the Princess Bride
So just, just let's be us.

And as I ride through the night
The driver told me I was the first director
He's ever known
I'm just sometimes so not in the mood to discuss

But I think to myself
As the last few days of some inner self doubt subside
You are so beautiful
You draw people to you
And you've got it.

Just one
Before its time to let the night sink in
Feels so good to be in my own den
Eyes heavy, chest congested
Give cherished charms to those I adore
I remember when I sat on the chair
Of sour defeat and pain
It's like yesterday the wobbley
Wood barked and squeezed its claws
I should be
I am
So thankful.

A list of the harbor
An anchor cast out to sea
I'm really not sure why she stopped talking to me
But I gave up
And threw in my towel
Because I've always been trying
To capture the wetness from the
Caving in ceiling
When I forgot my feet were planted in the floor.

We watch and our eyes water
So moved I feel so small
So much less educated
And I want to see and do
And read it all
Create and steal away
Beautiful and difficult
Moments of time.

Gather or father
One in the same
In a semi circle
Words flutter above and beyond
Intricate delicacies
Red brick clad with blue
Pass and fly by what was known
Darkness seeps and glitters
Like flung from the sides of taxi cabs
Returning to the pollution
Black faced but only on the side
I pushed my ***** up high
Like I breathed fire and vengeance
But **** the personal use of I
For now.

Mid twenties
We say Mercuary in retrograde
Now it all makes sense
Government will tax our invisible fat
With all the corn syrup
They butter us up
Like stout
Starter up
Delicatessens

Cuz we are
We choose

And it's all like
Jittery green lightning bugs
We shiver in our cloaks
Out by the gray blue
Starless sky
Heaving and breathing
Slap my last name on a directors chair
I belong there.

Fingernails claw and reach
Forget fame and fortune
That's not what's at stake for us
Drift and float in the longing
Barricade of where we begin
And collapse
And begin again
25 years young, mama I ain't no hen
Got my own path, my own way
Camera in my hypothetical bag

Pass and look by red and yellow
Yellow trapezoids
Fill the void with x y & z
Move forward repeatedly
Hips, they all said got em
Womanly womb
Could I croon
I heard tonight that woman gotta
Be in line with a crone
I thought of majestic wings
And how often times we are scared to sing

Remember how we wandered down the alleyways of china town
A camera and bold lipstick
That was and will always be
What makes my heart beat.

When I wrote poems
Just to write.

I let myself love you so much this morning.

There comes a point
Where the flurries and buzzing in your brain
Hollers and lingers
Worry worry worry
Obsess obsess
Do this do that
He she they might say
Think blink disappear.

And in your insides
And in the premise of what you have to give
You have to just say
******* **** IT.

And just do whatever the hell you want.
Just always be kind
And ever graceful.

But I get to come home to the love of my life
We make each other better
And that's so good.

There were flies in my dumplings tonight

Two to be exact.

Dark their wings shiny
Eyeballs red

I wanted to eat around them
But comedically and calmly pointed them out
As to not wound my friend
Who is really quite a good cook

And I just think
Sometimes no matter how eloquent you or your dumplings might be

Sometimes flies die in the sauce of your food
Mid your chop stick reach.

I'm the only woman you couldn't continue to fight

****
Or keep

To be at the will of you
And the others
In the same room

So you murdered me
In the peak of your mind.

Greeting the sun once more
It hasn't even risen yet
It's snarly rays lifting it up
Into the chrysalis light blue
Dark circles under my eyes
My baby and I get high
He pours me my coffee
Asks if there's anything he can do
To help me get ready.

And everything's so good
And different now, see
I write and develop
Grow and prosper
I reassure myself to be positive
Cuz I'm still just so young man
And learning and educating
Myself, myself

Thought so much of me
For a years time now
Had to use a thrifty tool box
Entitled "ways to make **** happen"
And now the tools are just safely
In the tips of my hands.

Call times minutes away
I imagine once the rays serve as a tripod to what beacons and spots
Our daily lives
We're all just dust particles
With thinking caps
And face

Pink colored flowers face me from the window
Whisper and blowing in the wind
Or practicing their own hymn
With golden silence
But ain't nothing ever quiet.

This is what it's like to allow
Happiness.

And then it was like you died
Along with lemon
And the white rice
We chomped on bit by bit
I thought of you twice tonight
And saw you in the floor boards
Of the dance floor
Where you dropped your hat
On purpose
And I thought
I wanted
Salvation
And wondered
What if I sought a resolution
But I listened to a song
That gives me sadness and peace

All at once
And didn't utter a sound.

It's okay
It didn't work out
But I wonder
Will we ever meet again
On accident
I'll be kind
You will say hello
Our hearts will drop
I'll forever remember
How I imagined us dancing
To and from
To and from
And me away
Cuz I flew the coop

Just like we all predicted.

Theres just no amount of new clothing
Lipstick
Writing poems
Talking
Or plotting how to pull myself out of this
To do the trick
Or make me a better human

It just is
And will pass

I need a night
A night to lean into the moonlight
Bear my soul and forget my name
Leave it on the packed sidewalk
Highkick in heels
Forget patrons and sickly sided grins
Watch my scripts fall from my hands
Like shredded glass inside of paper thin lipstick
Tumbling backwards and forwards
Repeatedly echoing and crooning
Away and neither here
Or within the windows outlooking
The top of the heads
The skulls that make up the city.

Phases of running and walking
Calculating and mistaking
Ears opening and closing
Had I been a singular unit
I would have kissed and ******
My fears away
But like the icy clouds outside
Hot and wavering in their glaze
Suits of armor zipping and sliding up one by one
Allowing them to ooze onto the ground
Wish I had perhaps
Said less.

Maybe its because of this or that
I don't ******* know
But I'm sick of feeling

I don't know how to articulate it.

I wish that I
Felt braver and stronger
Than I've been feeling these past
Count them
5 days.

Returned from the woods
We lingered in the sunset and dog kisses
Light and lean

Returning to the city was like pulling teeth
Burning away at chapped limbs
Everything's about work
We bleed and lick our teeth
Can't not talk about it
Can't not think about it
And I've had to put my spectacles on to see
They won't all understand
But cry in the grocery store
Buy some bananas
And move through.

I miss some things
I've hit that brink of feeling a little bit incomplete
Like I don't really have a solid ground
But you're right sweet friends
I know my cards are swell.

They are
But theres something in me
Since we returned to the cement
The sweat
That is adrift
And I'm not sure how to fasten a pretty picture on top of it
So I'll resonate in the darkness.

There's something within me lately

That's made me revert back to childhood

In some prophetic ways.

Everything becomes a trigger

In one way or another

The cops were arresting a man and a woman in the corner
Or just holding them tightly
I couldn't tell just now
But I was glad to see
A male of color police officer
At the helm

Right?

Everything feels heavier today
Like my back is the axis
Cut or sliced in half by the equator
Of who knows what's when or to begin
Watch for cars don't get hit
I don't give a **** about wearing a lick of make up

Orange lips will do
I pour a little cayenne, some tumeric
Cuz I'm a modern day witch
A shell in which to formally burn safe
I hate it when mama judges me
My ******* soaked and stained
In red wine
I call it out my voice echoing I judge myself and say
***** you aren't that intelligent
No one can really get it
The men don't really get it

I'm sick of the summer
Ready for newness
A photo appeared on my time hop
Of you and me
I felt nothing.

We shave our hair off you
You can't ever fathom the **** that oozes
From what you claim to like
I've been thinking lately

What if I just went all natural
Nature
Natur-al
I got myself high I thought it might ease the cramps
Of the blood that doesn't flow out of me
Cuz I always wanna be so fuckable
Someday I look in the mirror and think
Yes girl
And others I think
You are the worst

And my mind, at times
We will fly so gently and with charm
And on this week my mother referred to as Aunt Rosie
Everything's covered in red dusty rust.

Funny to think I use to look at my home blue line stop
Like I was searching
Now I just get on and off

I cried so heartily the hardest I've cried in a moons time
My love said he could make me out among the darkness
For I know I had become a part of the weeds
But I found my way out with crisp demeanor
And the cement and I now howl
Woman's hood.
Womanhood.

And so she took a weekend to run away
Not from
But with

A break from all of the many voices
That want and need
Ask, ask want
Reassurance
A listening ear
A job
A social connection.


Worrying and burying thoughts
Of the system, a ****** boy got released from jail today
And I scroll past articles today
Because I can't exert anymore energy.

Stop me in place
Not to err
But to go refresh
With my love.

It felt good to say your name for a time
In the days of wounded and forgotten


But now I lay my head on the shoulder
Of what could really be.

I remember when there was a time
My camera got overheated
(Those boys didn't know what they were doing, it's true)
I drank whiskey neat
Texted you but turned my phone off
I felt content and glad
I gave a nurturing love
This was before you returned
And we like strangers
In a new town
Held hands and know not within
Or without.

I drink coffee
I bought some water
It's beautiful and strange to see my new boyfriends name at the top of the call sheet
And with the tips of my fiery fingers
Cannot help but challenge
In the wake of our sleep
But I do, I love you so much.
I know we both want it to happen for me.

I'm tired as ****
A song ironically played in the car
With the boy that drove us here
That once was your anthem
For how you left me
But it was you filled with regret
And I don't think or sing hymns of you anymore
One of my ladies, she couldn't help but speak trifling tales of lingering interaction of her past
I encouraged her to lead with love and grounding
Because I know her head is in the clouds
Or down behind bushes
I quietly push back the branches of her ego and think
That doesn't sound so cool, to me
But she voiced her lack of grounding
And I thought good good
Here's some of the love and validation you so seek
Now go.

And much with me
Though I stand firm
A gushing sound of my goodness
What you have done, what I have done
And lately I think
Wow. I really can do ******* anything
And it made all that fear
All that chaos
The months of my heart being vomited onto the table
And never once stopping to say
I'm sorry can I make you more comfortable
Or I'm sorry I should be smaller
None of it at all.

My mind is dark and deep
I imagine violence in mundane circumstances
Like I would blood in the snow
As we would wander through south Philadelphia with our cameras and our passion

That girl that loves to ask for no permission
Now
She's what I would call
Cool.

I drank champagne
The best I've ever lifted to my lips
Took some bites of the prettiest
Chocolate pie
And told my old room mate
"I love you sweet thing. I always will, it's a two way street and as long as it is, my love is forever."

My man,
I sent him a photo of us
I didn't wear a bra in my dress
I feel liberated and free
Or pay that much heed to my hair or face
Sometimes it's a release to not plan
Like the little China doll I am
I can just trust.

Happy birthday
To you
Me
And all the Virgos & Libras
We all striving
We all doing.

So I'm in the back of a cab
It's time to go home now
4am will be here so soon
But I'll drink coffee and wear all black
And be glad to get close to camera
'Cuz I'm just really ******* doing it.

Join me.

And then I experience things
And realize

It's okay baby girl
Everything's just so richly different now.

You don't wear a boho skirt and turn up wilco on the speaker
Dreaming of what you could have,

You're just living it


So do.

I should be sipping coffee
And hitting the pavement
For the next moment
But I'm so burnt out and tired
My bed looks more longing.

And I don't mean to be ill tempered
But I have tucked my tail beneath my legs
And in the moments where I can see the busy bee nest of both of our
Existences and worry and wonder
Can I?

I've never been such a we
And I'm really ******* trying
I got so good at taking care of me
And in the inside of my mind
I'll pick apart the tiniest things
And see you in those moments
In a hazy version in my mind
Not as a force that holds me back
Like the inexplicable amount before
But worry and wonder
Can I be responsible for your
Worries, your fears, your concerns too.

Maybe I'm just extremely selfish
I'll think
Or surrounded by *******
But I know me and I know the caverns
I disappear into at the height of newness
Opportunity
And I worry and wonder
Not a matter of whether or not you have your own cavern
But can we share our caves
Without staining the walls
With our blood
To paint out the pictures of what we have
And what we want.

I think the answer is yes
I want it to be so
And then a flurry of skeptical remarks will nag and whimper
Inside my complicated head
And it hurt me last night
That I'm actively trying to be better
But you couldn't really listen and respond
To what my teacher said after my work was shown.

I don't know.
I havent said that in a minute
But I do feel like everyone is up their own ***
And I get it
I do
Myself included
But I'm here
I've got cabin fever but don't want to leave
I should pack
But I've swallowed myself
In place.

The best thing my ex lover ever did for me

Was when he left me and thought he was leaving me behind.
And I replied to the empty other end of the phone, weakly and strong:

"You're probably doing me a favor."

And my God. Did he.

I can't always sustain

A spectacular nature.

Put your pastels aside for a moment little queen

It's just time to access and grow up.

And though none of it was easy


It all just felt so good.

It goes and it goes
And you can't really for a moment
Stop the hands of time
I wear red
My hair messy from morning ***
With who I think could be
The love of my life.

We pitter patter
It doesn't really matter
Gotta get up and go again
I can't remember the last time
I slept past 10am.

I comfort and listen
Make a list of how
To be a better human
Broken out and listening
To the interior of my mind
And insides feel the most it feels
Once a month.

Sweet glorious man
You lift me up and pour me wine
I am getting to know exactly
What it's like when you
Have had a big long day
Your thoughts and behavior
Mirror that of boyhood
But you capture and ravage me
With such sweet love
Stating your love and sugary
Hope for us
As you collapse and give
Your everything into me.

My best friend gets it
Makes me miss her more
Let's grab pumpkin spice
And splice together the life
We bite into with such intense
Pleasure
You've got your house
You build with each brick
As I place the cement within
We got this, we got this
Miss you dearly sweet fairy
Let's prance in October
Like we haven't missed a beat
But everything has changed.

Don't wanna go to work
The hustle never ever stops
I write and whistle
My hands in 14 different pots
Is this what it means to be successful?

I love you.
I think we might be together for the rest of our days.

A firm strong masculine hand
Reached and caressed mine
At exactly every moment in space
In time
That my body longed for it.

You showed up
A girlfriend of mine, she shines with an invisible crown on her head
And I love that you know this is the norm
I surround myself with nothing less
Though there are perils and dragons along the way
But the difference with us,
My sweet love
As I detour just for one moment
Is that we do, we slay our own dragons.

I digress.
You showed up, she coyly announced your arrival to me
I turned and saw you
And theres something about the way that we look at each other
Across a room
Or
Inches away from each other
That is so trusting, safe
Two of my ladies said to me the other day
After I got off the phone with you
That I glow.

I remember writing a voice over for my first movie
Where I wept and longed for "a big beautiful strong man"
"He would wrap me in his arms, so small, so small in his arms"
"Kissing every mascaraed tear--away."
I remember those words like they were tattooed
To the inside of both pairs of my lips.

I think of words and phrases
Little things you do and say
Moments that occur and pass
All of the beauty I want to capture like a floating insect
In the palm of my hand
To then examine its wings
Mock up, create a sketch, a note or two
And then watch it fly
Much like my art.
Much like me.
Much like this.

Because I don't want to add pressure
I don't want to force
I don't want to beg
Scare or harm
But most of all
I don't want to run
For once.

Theres something new within me with this now
Its not a fearful urgency
Like we are running out of time
Or at any moment you might change your mind

I just am so looking forward

To all of the moments
And all of the days.

I know a girl
She likens herself to be just like
Ron Weasley's mother
I suspect we may never be friends again now
Considering she now sits on my ex's ****.

Little miss cupcake
Miss Piggy
I peaked at her Facebook out of curiosity
And I remember the exact moment in which
Several months before
Where I thought, "Oh my. Oh my. You aren't my kind of woman."
You had blamed frightening male behavior
On false news reports, perhaps CNN
I remember sitting in a theatre
My phone buzzing a mile a minute
And with little red x's I quietly watched each of these ladies go
I know its not me
Its you
And while I wish no ill will
As you would all turn to look at me for support
When the clan of hoodlums wounded your bones
Perhaps now, now that it directly affects your life
Little missy piggy, miss jenny
Perhaps now you might think.

But its baffling to me
That you can take photos on your phone
Attempt to show your cute social encounters
With the profile of the man that has so
Lavishly wounded not one
But now two, probably 3
(If we include the one that Instagrams her heart break)
Women that have been dangled from a roof
Convicted and imprisoned with falsehood promises of sunshine
Thrown into a waste bin of trickery and fake love
Slept in the trenches of mildew hot sauce
Winnie The Poo and Tiger too
And thought and taught by him
And the others
To be the wretched bad guy in the end

That, that Little Miss
Define yourself through your current surroundings
Your lingerie that you now proudly wear
I don't hate you
I thought you were alright
With your obsession for your cat
The way you decorated your house reminded me of my own style
But if you click and swim in hyperspace
You will see mists of vape smoke
A girl who ran away from me at a party
Because I somehow managed to remind her
Of soggy pasta. Salty shoes. A rusty clamoring voice.
Boyhood mixed with ***** soap
All surrounded by the label
Love.

But just so ya know
He and I
Before I even met you

Oh yeah, we ****** in your bed one time.

Things About Me That Are Exponentially Special:
1. The cadence of my speech
2. The love that I have to give
3. The way that I can make someone feel like they are the only person in the room
4. My imagination
5. My innate ability to get **** done
6. My tattoos
7. The very large birth mark on the inside of my right lower leg
8. I've never had cavities
9. Never broken any limbs
10. The platform I've created and stood behind
11. Bama. Philly/NYC. Chicago.
12. I've been loved really quite abundantly by men, even if they were the wrong men.
13. My parents are in a loving sustainable marriage
14. I have two brothers. In order to survive I spent all of my time with them. Video games. Sports. Adventuring. I lived a double life of gaming and playing dress up or entertaining myself with my imagination because I didn't have a play mate.
15. Because of this I consider myself to be a pretty singular individual
16. I thrive as a born leader in group settings without even meaning to
17. I can radiate at any moment and bring people to me
18. I'm very emotionally sensitive and temperamental
19. I founded a film festival right out of college
20. I moved away and left everything behind twice before the age of 25
21. I feel the most me with colorfully customized hair and stiletto nails
22. I dress in a different style according to my mood every single day
23. I never do my make up the same way twice
24. I think I might be pretty good at social media
25. I held a camera in my hands and made incredibly specific barbie videos of the world around me and found my way back to it
26. I have dabbled in just about every artistic medium
27. My mother and I could not be more different. And in some ways, similar
28. I greatly admire my father but also narrow my eyes at times.
29. I speak up when no one else will.
30. I have close friends all over the US.
31. I have traveled most said places in US
32. I feel the need to go travel abroad
33. I think I might have finally found "my person"
34. Unless its a direct quote or word, any time I use quotation marks--I delete them. Something feels discrediting or mocking about them
35. I have had *** with men of various ethnicities, and I love that so ******* much.
36. I'm a better me when I have time to work out every day
37. I'm learning to find moments to sit still and meditate once daily
38. I'm a total ******* and its all pointed inward
39. When I was a kid I played out intense sketches with friends where I would be assassinated in said sketches
40. I've been going through a phase lately where I think 99 percent of people are full of ****. I realized tonight while washing my face that although this might be true (totes is) that fear may also be internally within me.
41. Before a big project, I become very self loathing and dark. Fear of it never being realized grips me very tightly. I do not show this to others.
42. I tried to **** myself a few times when I was a teen.
43. I had never done hard drugs until I moved to Chicago
44. I like what I like and don't ever apologize for it. I just am exactly who I want to be.
45. I'm good at the many things that I do, and when I just believe that--I can set any crowded room on fire.

Things About Me That Are So Many Levels Of Not Special:
1. I am white
2. I am a woman
3. My family is very wealthy
4. I'm straight
5. I've never had *** with a woman
6. I've had my heart absolutely broken in half several times
7. I've broken hearts absolutely in half several times
8. I've lied
9. I've cheated
10. I was a clepto as a teen, not because I didn't have money but because I loved the rush and stuff.
11. I've said hateful things
12. I feel trapped by my parents at times
13. I'm an artist
14. I'm "poor" (quotation marks!)
15. When I speak, I often think as I am speaking that I don't make any ******* sense
16. I tell myself more often than I should that I'm not intelligent
17. I've forgotten the valuable education I learned in high school
18. I nod and agree when I don't understand
19. I was molested when I was 15
20. I should read more
21. For being a filmmaker, I really need to step up my film watching game
22. I'm very impatient
23. I tend to hurt others without even meaning to. But half the time I make up the hurt in my head
24. My paranoia is crippling
25. I have so much I want to do and often overwhelm myself to the point I don't get it done
26. I have blonde hair
27. I'm 5'7
28. I'm thin
29. Its hard for me to let go of the past
30. I loved high school
31. I liked college
32. I've been abused by a boyfriend
33. I pick fights with new lovers to test them
34. I worry about things other people would never even think of
35. When a relationship ends, I grieve for a long time
36. I've been cheated on
37. Men have tricked me into thinking they were someone else because they wanted me so much
38. When I show my inner demons I worry they will retreat, Marilyn Monroe complex
39. I think really cruel things very casually in my mind about myself at least once a day, I don't know where this stems from
40. I obsess over the details and lines in my face. This is a recent endeavor. I hate it.
41. I can tell exactly how tired I am because of this.
42. Spending money on getting my work noticed
43. Wishing for more
44. Never settling or choosing
45. Getting in my own way and thinking the rest of the world is out to get me when they are the lead character of their own story.

I should drink more water
Coffee and hummus are my regimen
Something about the liquidation and constant quality of the water
I have to force myself to ingest it more often
And even then
I know I need to swallow more.

The sun hits my eyes
Gently tugging at my hair, my insides
Lets swim in the pool tonight, sweet love.

I'm so ******* stressed
I have so ******* much I want to do
And never enough time to do it
Sometimes I want to never leave my room
And think cruelly
I'm only good at looking good.

Worst, best enemy
We cheers wine
Windows loom and reflect what could be
I look around at my life and I just think
How did I get here?

I'm ******
At my boyfriends house.

Listening to Cecilia by Simon & Garfunkel
Lit crawl echoes and hums outside
We welcome pumpkin spice & technological devices
Hum hum hum hum
Thump thump thump
Ringringringring
In the most pleasant way
Mhm mhm mhm mhm.

I've been so ******* myself
I realized as I left my neighborhood
Like, really quite brutal at times
Pack a bowl
Lets glimmer in the evening sunshine
Everything's weird
And magical
When ya just let it
Be be be be be be be.

Eyes open with a snap on this morning
Rain covered windows with the ironic sun
Glimmering and shining
August waivers and leans its head to us in unison
We cup our hands into various shapes
As a glittering sweetness leaves the essence
Of what I know and desire most
And I have to stand still just for a moment to say
Come on lady, ya got it.

Transition is mighty and bountiful
I no longer wake up to the criss cross of another's attitude
One end of my house a ruined wasteland
Where friendship lied and spat
The other a helpmeet full of can I come and can I join
But deep down I echoed and excused myself
"I think I'm really just very singular."

True and not true.

I picked up my handkerchief and bid myself calm down
Allowed my eyes to gaze on creative entitites
That had me unable to stop watching
Thats the good ****.

So lets do it
Lets do the thing
All of it
I don't know what it means
I prepare myself to hear no
But hey
Light the sage
Wish on witch stones
And go.

I'm not entirely sure why
But like a sleet of ice
I got hit with a wave of emotion
And I think it's the transition
The not knowing and sorting through
Hats that look graceful and neat
And although I balance
With a captivating joy
At times it wells up
And becomes much too much.

So I left my new boyfriends house just now
He kissed me with such love before I went
And pouted as I put my purse over my body
But baby I've got much work to do
I know you got it covered baby
But I don't
Not yet.

I wrote in my phone
A thought I'm ashamed to admit
That just said
"I'm not so sure that I matter"
So I left to go battle my own
Inner demons.

My health insurance is about to end
There are 20 thousand possibilities
But I'm back in that abyss
That black hole of not knowing
Unsure where to turn
I sit and stare at my computer
It piles so high
I couldn't even sexually release myself with my love today
So I didn't even really try.

I read a few articles
That I end up skimming through
Because it so deeply hurts my soul
What we women have to go through
And at times I'm guilty
Of taking it all on
Like because of my blessings
I gotta carry all the weight
So I do and I fight through
Sometimes leaving my own carcass
And needs to be forgotten
Because I think and hum
I don't really matter.

Perhaps I should be on medicine
Or see a therapist
But at age 25, almost 26
I reschedule my dentist appointment
Because I don't want to have to beg for more money
And long to be self sufficient
Doing what I love to do
So yeh
I'm impatient and pushy
Bossy and exponentially determined
Because the father who made me
Raised me to never settle for less

But it's not even about him
Or the silver spoon that still hangs out of my mouth
Or the I love you's that cascade from our lips
Like coiled intricate sincere fables
We always longed for
Your 17 years of waiting
And my eons of thinking I need a prince

You say it and you say it true
I am no princess
But a queen
A queen tired of what we have been given
And I know I don't joust alone
But often that weight
Fills me up like the tub
I metaphorically fill with expressive sorrow
And a beauty that can only be expressed
Verbally
As papers are thrown down tumbleweeds of what I know I can be.

A Swiss First shirt
A beeping sound occurred
I got scared because theres so much tragedy in the world
I don't wear pants
I washed my face in the mirror and heard
"Don't act like you forgot."

A swarm of images
Its as if I dipped my finger
Into the well of yester year
But its not honey sweet
And its not that this moment is perfect either
But I'm not wearing green and over eager eyes.

I thumped down the steps tonight
After lighting and recording
My blonde multi colored hair shining
The only lady in the room
And at times I wonder
This could bother me
But it just doesn't
I've never been afraid to be the one
To fight for us.

But there it is
I remember sleeping on my mattress on the floor
In the corner of my room
I waited and waited for you
I put on a sparkly lime green dress
I would later give away for free
My hair decadent rainbow colors
I covered my face in make up
We acted like it was my wedding day
I mentioned wanting a ****** mary
And the others couldn't let it go
You traveled down the escalator
You knew exactly what you would wear
Your longboard in your hand
I know you must remember and think on these moments
Though you so severely err and continue to.

I remember how nervous I was
I couldn't stop spraying my mouth with mint
You grabbed me with one arm and kissed me
You had talked this moment up for months
It was hard and quick and fast
I remember wanting to push and pull away
Like I was ashamed that the others knew and watched
They called me your girlfriend
And I loathed it already.

That night
Movie talk surrounded me
You wore a straw hat
We played spin the bottle
And kissed others
It was weird and hard
You led me to your bedroom
As I came out of the restroom
And lured me down
Where my soul would soon partially die
Within the grapefruit mist of tigers and mildew
Filled dreams and things
Ex-girlfriends buried beneath your bed
Like they too, were a wasteland.

Little did I know
You would read my scripts out loud like you could barely read
And that wasteland would manifest itself in my dreams.

We made love
But it wasn't
I cried as you gave yourself to me
I was drunk and angry
And felt like everything was going to be stolen from me
We started and stopped
I aim to please
We drank and spit
We drank and spit
I drank and spit us out
And landed in your bed
Opened my eyes in the morning
And it was there that I lost my head

For the next 6, maybe 7 months.
So it all comes full circle
And I guess I will truly nod and be at peace
Once October 29th rolls around
And I remember just how you treated me
Like I was all the rest.

But to my utmost relief
It was never me
I know you bury yourself in the fat of another woman' flesh
Lost as ever
You think of me on this day
With your charred grin
Wilted face
Hairless head
And that demeanor I wanted to love so well
You aren't all bad
Although you might be a sociopath
And this time last year

You had me convinced
I was your bride to be
But now I write this
Next to the right man.

Rainy clogged windows
I've got Marilyn Monroe around my neck
Some printed copies in my bag
Interconnecting what could be
I got high and had to make myself deeply think
But it's all so deep within me.

I remember a time
Where my fingertips
Would wistfully trace rain drops on glass
When I was headed in a cab
To a very different man
My hair was shorter
A mix of black and residue
Passing by the Chicago beach
Everything's so vast and welcoming
You just gotta go and get it.

I got my hair done today
My best friend sang that it looks like it was meant to be
My hairdresser grew giddy as we discussed my new love
The very grown man that fills my thoughts
Not with trifling wonder
But with what could be.

I worry
I worry people will come and go
I give all I've got
I reach and long for so much
And it's true
I allow myself moments to lament
In order to move through
Not with fear
But with fascination.

Andersonville
It was hard to leave my little home tonight
But I can't wait to see you
We both said more times than I can count
So I stop swimming shore to shore
And bathe leisurely
And with such graceful giving
Woke as ****
And aware.

An interview
A splash of spicy coffee
Meetings to discuss how to piece
It all into one
Break up discussions
Leaning forward because it's innate
Disappointments
Fulfillment
Jumping in
Leaving out
Moving forward
Moving out.

Theres something about my life now
That has me returning to where I once was
Perhaps to remember and move through
And it's with no slight of hand
That I return with wise knowing eyes
And glow, glimmer
So sweetly remember
And with relief
Move past.

The sun is out
I wait for a new girlfriend to pick me up
Hugs exchanged
I look around knowing I'll be back
But the first time of seeing what once was
And what is to be now
A new man in her bed
He's ruddy and red
He seems sweeter than her immediate past
And for that I'm very glad
Don't climb anymore trees
Sweet fearful love
And you don't have to pretend
To always be glad
But you can let your inner light
Speak as you
Not for
As.

I've got roots in my hair
Lately it's been hard for me to feel
Confident in other people's gaze
But I left my old apartment just now
Tiptoed with ease
Into my old favorite coffee shop
Within
Not without.

I redefined the bad things that occurred
And jest with likability
That I was getting
(And I was)
So very good at standing on my own
But I look next to me now
And I think
You want me as my whole package
For perhaps, all that I am.

My eyes were filled with something else
This time last year
The whole half of the house
Became a touch stone for wreckage
And what betrayed me in the back
And I thought and mourned
Why can't honest love lift me up?
I'll never forget marking off the days
With blueberry ink
Seeing red wine disappear
Or how you would choose your phone over a book
Frivolous company over
A night of intelligent love making
And had me convinced
That I too
Must become a ninja turtle.

But I never did
I chortled and held my shield high
After dying in the shower
You claimed me in
Love spoken too soon
And I don't think you are all evil
I hope we can nod and share a drink
But I always felt
That I had to be removed
In order to fly my own coop.

Yes, I live alone
I say with a dewy eyed glow

And I'm so very glad.

Tied myself with thin red rope
Large ice cubes as large as my skull
We sank down in one fluid full gulp
Waved bye to mama & papa
Disappeared underground.

Ladies wanna hit the night life
Free drinks, wantin' some attention
And I'm all 'bout that
But can't seem to shake just how
Don't wanna make mistakes
I made and blended myself into severed pieces
Before.

Flashbacks coming back like ***** bones
I know its all so different
I imagine taking my manicured finger
And checking a list off
You whisper plans to me
For us
Your life, as is
Just with me appearing next to you in it all
And its not like last time
Or the time before
But yet I listen to moody music at times
'Cuz I've always had a knack for self destruction.

Saturday night
I procrastinate
My army stands next to me firm
Questions when questions must be raised
I live alone now
And I know what I must do
But its the doing thats so
******* tough.

You tell me you adore me
And I know its our stepping stone
To the word love
Love, love.

I heave up sticks and boulders
Remember how you made my plans your plans
And had no plans of your own
I seem to always PTSD type o' grieve
As I relish in fresh newness
But, but, but
Its not the same
Theres nothing about this thats
The same.

I can see it hum and buzz
All around me like multi flecked glass
I'll sit in the wooden black directors chair
Asked to jump in front of lenses
In unison
And I switch and implement hats
'Cuz its what I've always done
And its what I'm good at
So sigh
Sigh, let it go
Life changes and carries on


Its okay to now just forget and watch it all go
So that the rest may begin.

A white blank page to start
I smell just like *** and my own sweat
Eat fruit in bed, write, fall asleep
A day of thinking and regurgitating
A feeling seizes my chest
When I think of us falling in love.

Its gloomy in the outskirts of my window
You called me just to talk
I admit the triggers that send me flailing
And imagine in my minds eye
Us side by side
I wear a beautiful gown
You a nice suit, maybe even a tux
And its not marriage that runs my mind
Its artistic palettes and a fulfillment
No man made institution could swallow.

I've been looking and hunting and searching
Until I just with an abrupt halt
Stopped
And it felt so good
Once I got it right.

You drilled my mirrors into the wall
I fed you fruit and lime
We take the time to unpack our innermost feelings
You say
"Miss you too, baby"
Baby baby
Never thought I'd hear that word again so soon
With such pure intention
And I worry
I worry we look and are too different
A gap between our ages
You are heavy and tall
As I linger and my eyes blossom
In your sweet arms
I gave it all away on top of you
Two nights ago
We sighed with relief and such extreme
Sweets
You looked just like you belonged in my bed.

Coffee, coffee
I could drink galloons of it
You understand the hustle
Like nobody else.

I'm falling so in love with you.
Please love me too.

Wind in the lyft hits my hair
Sleepy eyed, eager for my own bed
To look out my own windows
And let the goodness in.

Several of my ladies struggle
At the moment
And I exude all the love I got
I know my radiant energy
It's easy to love
And sometimes you want to just hate
Only one friend of mine truly
Understands
The beautiful inevitable quality
Of it all.

Thinking about your touch
Sweetness
It feels good to stand on my own
And even better to know
You are still right there.

I think there are those who may not
Want to hear in the joy
The newness
And I get it
My god I so get it
But for once
For once
Just
For once.

Tomorrow is Friday
Papers pile up and yawn
I give myself deadlines
I'll soak up my own covers my own bed
As the ladies and I discuss the confidence it takes
The lyft driver gave me a code to write down
Folks question what I can do
And claw for more
I mull it over and swallow
But not with fear

I don't know what to say for my last line
And that's special and cool, too.

Gotta hit that
Get that last stop
Red line train
Sway, come this way
We compare *** to pixie dust
We hustle and bounce back
Voices clear, hear
We endear, endure, enter
Twine
Go this way, that, there
Rocks slipping and hitting
Sweet pavement can't make it
Hustle go back pur forward

I got red wine in my bag
Crystals and mythological
Creatures we tame and claim
With with with

With with with
Got sweet encouraging emails
Piling up high
My man flies on an airplane
Learning to love again
But we don't utter tangible words just yet, mature we got beards and manes
Lion emoji
Lion emoji.

Drip drap drat
Weekends comin' up
Cheers, squads surround me
Like I'm the queen of errythang
I got good and bad days
We all got good and bad
Raise cascade
Howard
I remember going this way
But now it's all

Exponentially different
Year 2.

I'm late.

Need to get my hair and nails done
Pullin' 10 dollars an hour
We all know what I oughta be doin'
I kick up dirt, set paranoid fears aside
Own worst enemy, worry worry
I create visions and words in my head
A man on the train looks me
Up and down
Up and down
Up and down
Down and up

And I hopped on and thought
What will we do when
Our eyes are forced to meet again
But the cities so big
So large
Maybe never.

You were right
At last
I got a new boyfriend
And you never saw me again.

And for that I can let out a big sigh
At last.

I usher it all into place
With love
With power
With sincerity
And the most fruitful kindness.

All the pain and deceit
Utmost heartache
Was all so worth it


Because it led me right to you.

So many bodies
Crammed together like
We a package deal
I can smell the sweat and fumes
right under the crook of my nose
I get thrown around on the train
And wonder if I'll become wiser
I tried to write this with one thumb
Balance
Barely can
A sharp curve and turn
Much like everyday we open
Our seeing eyes
A man kindly offered me a seat
He could have taken
Packed for the night
You answer telephone calls
And give me sweet sugar
I swallow and hold my own doses
With a power I question
Every hour of every day
I ordered a book on crystals
And healing
Because somehow it all rubbed off on my bones
I'm still finding my feet.

She has purple hair and tattoos
He said on the phone to a best friend
We glide, I run and hide
So silly so playful
Can't help it we smoke
Out of a little pink elephant
You made love to me
And looked me right in the eye
I wonder when and if
The L word
Will ever rise from your lips to me
And my purple hair
And beautiful tattoos.

She brought a whole world along with her.

Fire ****
Wet coffee drips
I pop my back, my bones
I download with painstakingly eager
Impatient waiting for footage to convert
Its a constant uphill climb.

I never get enough sleep.

All these dark haired ladies this weekend
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fight you
'Cuz if I did

You wouldn't make it out alive.