It reminds me of the morning
The day
Where I awoke before everyone else
Curled my hair, painted my lips a bit
Clad in a bright red and black.

Sat outside with just a notebook
Recording my thoughts on the morning
The day
Mentally prepared myself
For what would be the most difficult art
To make
To date.

I predicted August
August we will change up our steps
When the last circuit opportunity has spoken
Can't keep throwing anymore money into the clouds
Would rather save up and see whats next
Hotline bling
There's hotline bling
On the inner seams
Of what I made
And how at the time it meant everything.

Its nearly March now
Time to keep marching on
Cup of coffee
Everything has changed
And I want to believe
I'm 18 times the artist now.

I will admit it
I'm spying on the guy sitting on the plane
To my left
A woman told him
How angry and hurt she was
He said he did nothing
"I did nothing"
"*******"

And I think about how
We have all hurt one another
The little and big hurts
At least a little bit.

I had some wine
And I'm already
A little turnt
"If you do not wish to travel to Palm Beach this is your last opporuntity to do so"

Fasten your seatbelt
Aisle 29 buzzes we all stare at our phones

"U are nutz"

He writes in retort
To this woman
I'm a spy
A sleuth
With coffee
And a wine stained grin
It doesn't take much for me to feel it

Breathing aisle 29 breathes
What would happen
If we all put
Our phones
And weapons away?

The flood of voices
Across the board
Of all the places I have inhabitated
Each breathed in space
The voices are so loud
In the wave of the technological
Bust
That it often
Courses through my veins
And reminds me
Of everything
And nothing
All at once

I'm not so sure
That I think
It saves any of us
To plot in a small town
To voice the evil
At all times.

I'm skeptical of everything
The beauty and curse of seeing
The outside
And the inside out
Of every words, action spoken
As my mind conjures up and argues
Against all the bits and pieces
Of the muscle we expose
And stretch.

Everyone caught up in the entity of an invisibly enemy
An enemy we cannot physically see
Its hanging off of the fancy 14 dollar magazines
Mama bought us
And never said
Look and be just like this daughter
Papa never outrightly said
Be successful and quick witted
Just like this daughter
For everyone
Including the mouthes of the snakes
Who polished you up
Will tell you
You can't you can't
You can't you can't.

Sit high up in the sky,
8th floor pedestal
I know can't maintain my perch from up above
But with colorful paint
It was all cut off
Like the drifting ambience
Of the past whirlwind
I lost and fought
Through my own storm
And so few people
I think I could count on my fingertips
Ask me how I am

And a quiet voice within me
Knows it because they're
Truly and honestly
Jealous.

But fangs I carry
Not.
And thats why they dive
Into my water.

Flurry of pink bleeding purple
Tilted lashes
An owl on fumes
Hair frizzled and dried
Dancing away
Like I'm the ******' princess
Queen, ******' queen
Of the legend of Zelda.

You ain't got the crass
Or the veracity
To respond in an inept
On point, on time
Capacity
And a portraiture of my own character
Lengthens with its fury filled spine
As if to bounce off and say
This ain't nothin' to do with you.

Percentages
Breaking it down into
Percentages of whats cut to the bone
But ain't nothin' about life
Or how we deal with people
Mathematic.

Kitty kitty
He was always so friendly
A whirling purr
Don't tell me as it should be
I start to ooze into how I really feel
And then remember
Ain't nothin' pretty
About ugliness.

My favorite thing to do
Is to make you laugh with a giddy candor
On the crowded red line train
So early, so early
In the morning
Golden new sun
Light.

And then I'm hustling past
The other hustlers of the town
Got that manic Monday on thick
Like the sunscreen I applied
In the midst of my first summer
In the Chitown sun
But there was nothin'
Sweet nothin'
To protect me from
The first come
First soft serve.

Antics fill our coffee mugs
I've been so busy my love
I know you got that rock steady
Been humming the tune
That melody of constantly got company
I wondered yesterday
Around noon
If I'd lost touch
With my sweet lagoon of
Embracing solitude.

Waiting for the blue line
Let's have a grand two days
I'm luck I'm such a lucky *****
The whistle blows
As the rest of the world
Ponders
I ponder
How do we
Counter with nothing
But light?

I had forgotten
The wild fearlessness within me
And the ability to do whatever I want
And have reclaimed it
At long last.

Quite possibly
The most challenging part
Of being an Entrepreneur
Is to not sink your own
Well built ship
With the fear
That no one truly
Wants to see you
Set sail.

An angel aura stone
You grabbed the candles upon which
They dangled
Her hair was so long, little shorts
Pale yellow jello heels
I wore white and very little make up
We were in the back of a car together
We didn't speak
Both concluding the other as evil
At last I broke the silence
And her body turned towards me
Her eyes lit up
As if she has been feeling lost all this time
And never wanted me as the enemy.

You traipsed down the path
I stood in my white cape
I could see you swallow and look away
And tend to your garden
Of the woman you hurt after me
It was me you could not confront.

We were good ole friends by this point
Sweet lost Liz and I
She looked over at me
Her long hair swinging
I felt like a statue
And remained open and not expectant
Angel aura
He got your angel aura
The crystal I wore around my neck
My favorite crystal of all time
And I took a shower and it was hard to reach me
But they all wanted to.

We all ended up on the bed
Piled high in what was friendship
I was there though I had not been for so long
And knew I would not stay
The blonde haired cherub
Who always wanted me to stick around
But must have known the deepest of your ways
"Okay so is she part of the group now again?"
He said with tired needing an answer filled hope
And I said no no
No no
Just let it be
And you cornered me
With your graze of hair and small stature
Those eyes that would rather have eaten me than loved me
You didn't like what was happening here
But yet you yearned
And then I woke up.

There's a undeniable drive
That hits up 1200 degrees
Flying up so quick, so concisely
And maybe its because I'm not really
Makin' much
A mama type o'hen
She told me it don't feel like you at the top
In competition with yourself.

I sip the tea
The coffee
Write out letters
Set reminders
But my drive
Its grown a little hazy these days
Juggling water
Then fire
An echoing desire
An imprint on whats been and is.

The balance of life and work
I ordered the healthy vegan noms
A bun half up, half down
I've grown more restless
Fearless
But cowered in
Where I think I ought to be.

Pause the tele
The world mouthes if so
After us
Wish I'd been more involved
My rich southern white girl privilege
Hiccups like a tycoon
But its all come such a long way
Its all been so pivotal
You, you.

You, you
Me, me
Let the hustle
Rest
Maybe just for a little
While.

There's a pink ***** place
In which a wreath of
Too heavy, too white
Too trite to fight
Where were you?
Where were you?
Where were we.

Out in the streets
Everybody oughta be out in the streets
A cowlick ******* man
I remember all the times
Those covered in ignorant hatred
Whistled in nothing but a blank wannabe light
We're weaker
We wanna be bigger
Because we're so weak
Reign supreme in our inability
To recognize the treasures of those
Whose power soars like a range of colorful flames
So high, so high above.

A tree stump
The American Flag waivers in the wind
What if we went and repented our sins?
But I don't know that I'm really a God fearin' woman.

But yet
I'll find myself fighting for the greater good
Eyes open, clear and celebrate the misunderstood
I wish I could share this poem
With those it might resonate with
But for every moment
There's a counter
Not against me per say
But it all feels like
A rumbling heat
Of deciphering and picking
It apart
Whatever happened to our empathy?
Was it ever really there?
Or have we been living and existing
In a foggy willing blindness.

Caught up in the dresser
The memorabilia of the plethora of women's faces
Socks and ******* link from the drawers
I spent a long time reflecting in the mirror
A wetness of my insides shedding
Naked in the mirror
My skin is a yellow green
My skin is a yellow green
What does that mean mama?

Elected self preservation
Instead of being mounted and cooked
In the lick of mighty flames
That try to diminish
The anchor I cast out
From the siren clad ship
I am captain of.

Sick of competition
Or the hasty hands of men
My bear stared at me with such love last night
As the mushroom I ate
With such desire to see anew
Gave me lights, the obstacle of A to B
And I'm glad he's so solid in himself
As I realized last night
I've been so busy writing my story
Finding my pen as the protagonist
That I haven't really quite let him
Be my partner.

Mind your intention
Meditation
Not up for grabs
Tired of being singled out
All my life
I was the girl in math class
With bright blonde hair
The male teacher loved to call out my name
Just to prove I didn't know.

I sit at the top of my nest
Baby and I ate plentiful nourishment
At the tip top of the night
I'll never forget what my eyes saw
Fleeting foxes
And bouncing punching bags
Like a forlorn puppet
I went through a journey
From A to B.

The thing that gets me the most down
And makes me feel the most sad
Is how clearly and significantly
Different I am
From everyone
That clucks and clutters
And zips and zaps
Their voices so loud I can barely hear myself
So I find myself blaming
The place
For what it is
And what it is not.

Why when all feels dark
Do you swirl through my head
Like a poison
Reminding me of the singular moments
That weren't even all that great
But yes you still hum and whistle
Reminding me a dancing lit back
The forgotten and drunk whispers
Only to echo and drum
"You were too much for me."

The sky is a misty white
I wake up hoping to set such strong intentions
We all wake up, hoping to set such strong intentions.

Reflected and penetrating it back like it must be this place
Or my date
Or the fact I so rarely want to go outside
Theres just something kind of cruel
About the winter time
And the sad lagoon the world has poured into
Our coffee mugs
As we strive to find whats real whats right.

But theres articles out
Saying this don't, won't santize MLK
Theres a new argument against love everyday
As if our buzzfeed or news articles
Could diminish or take away
What we know to be the truth
And I'll dig up the graves of my ancestors
I'll say see what you did
See what you did
But even the dead in the ground
That don't mean they will get it.

Theres so much ******* and fighting
And so much ******* and fighting in my head
Gotta line my brows
Nearly time for company now
When will this funk pass
When will this funk pass?

Goo at the inside of my eyelids
A sleeping pup in the corner
A flutter of kisses as the light from your window
Greets me in your pants and my nightgown
And everyday that passes
The executioner that hides
Willfully and soundlessly
In the deep circular insides of my
Southern secretly creepy soul
Clamors with an abandon
I constantly battle
With a sword and shield.

Lee Daniels chatters on television
Carrying the same message
I announced on the internet the other day
And each time I expose myself
I see the bare skin
Pink with the ink of a needle
At each increment.

Its a strange time of year
Everyone whistles still longing for vacation
We settle back into our hustle filled nests
Each day I torture myself with something slightly new
But not
As you strive to teach me the things I simply just don't know
But sometimes aren't the best
At phrasing and approaching it.

"Grab the globe"
You said
And we spun it around
Debating where to go
With the 87,000 miles you have collected over time
I long for promises of tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that
Because I've seen the deepest betrayal
Of leaving me in the dust
Only to look back with a severe regret
That hook line and sinker
Tore me through by the neck
And yes, I always went back for more
Surely the fisherman will treat me better this time.

But with each baited catch
I swam away with a fleeting form of disaster
Nearly enough to save my scales
But left the tear in my throat oozing red
As sharks circled nearby
Their fins above water
Waiting for me to wear myself out.

So sometimes
I long to see the finish line
I wanna know this is it
(Even though we both know it is)
I race to disaster because its all I've ever known with men
Theres fear of loathing and failure
At the hum of my guts
And I have all my youth
Struggled to maintain happiness.

This is a long poem
I'm gonna go meet you at your gym
The gym I supported you going to
And run with you in the wind.

I'm not sure how it happened
Where I dipped my toes into the water
And then suddenly

Everyone around me nodded their heads yes
"Girl. You're a director."

But lets sit down to dinner
I imagine we will sit upon the floor
Curly hair and wispy eyed
So much has changed
Lets allow sweet nostalgia in.

And though I've got rattlesnakes
Hissing at the core of my heart
When I feel as though I should
Beware my footing
Deep long breaths
Or big sighs remind me
Of all the times that none of it was perfect
And I don't have to claim responsibility
For anything other than my own two hands
And feet.

Wings spread wide
A choir of resilient women around me all say
So glad you went your way
And the painful thing about year two,
Is that I so completely have
And did.

But perhaps it doesn't have to feel so bitter
Perhaps it doesn't have to be met with
The crystal ball
Of ticking clocks
Whispering stories into the night
Fearful their execution would never occur
And I wish, like venom
I could sever the part of me that hurts, feels anger, still
At what was and is left unfinished.

But whats the point?
My hair transforming color like a flip book
That sank into a puddle of mud
And I will look around me now
I've got major pieces of the puzzle that I truly want
As the fear of the fleetingness of everything that has happened
Filters like the air blowing around me
And I'll hear my best friend say
You can't eat the apple because its going to become a core.

A cabbage dish
Just like I use to make
I worry everyday that I don't know enough
About everything
What a long way we've come.

There was a time
Amidst teeth brushing
Confidence boosting words
Bites of carrot and flavored
Wedding dress sauce
Covered in the blood of lost lovers
I convinced you to see the truth
It was even harder for you to walk away
It was harder for you to get up everyday
It was harder for you to invest
Harder for you to see past
What wasn't just reflecting back at you
In the spoons hanging out of your
Broken and favored mouth
And with blonde lightning beams
It effected me too
As I overcame heartbreak
And coached you through all the ways
To try and make you see that you were strong too
And yet you still wanted to put me in the bedroom
Smaller than yours
Less significant than you
I couldn't possibly be mightier
Prettier
More brilliant

No.
And that.
That is why at times
I'm still so bitter
As if it were a break up
As if you, too, in the end
Held me back
And we did
We had so much fun
And I sincerely hope for more fun times to come
Because you can never really have
Enough best friends
Can you?

But I grew tired of justifying
My different colored socks
And cooking for one
To have it devoured and not replenished
I hated how our house became
Haunted with the memories we made
With men
Who didn't ******* matter in the end
And now we talk about those men
In what I imagine
To be the same way
We talk about each other.

A flame of whispering
Plants to either side of me
I kissed the branch of a tree
And peaked through the hole of its bark
To see what was in store for me.

Lets cook and make
Watch
Movies baby
Crave you and your touch
You ask why my sighs
Loudly echo throughout glass walls
As pink and purple skin shed
Bravely asking for answers
Even when it is and isn't me
Thats chosen.

26 little miss 26
I expect and want everything
Maybe its the curse of a golden spoon
But i discarded my spoon
Because I would prefer intricate clouds
And I don't want the kind of clouds
That are fabricated and pricked
With daisy dukes and the convenient touch
Of remembrance
Once the kettle is hot.

I want
I want everything
Because I long to truly make a difference.

There's always an uphill
Mountain climb
And plateau feverish descent
When confronting
My inner most happiness.

I dreamed of you last night
As my eyeballs dialed upon and longed to forget
We drove a black hearse
You crawled into the back
Like a defeated squirrel
Still yearning, on the hunt
For the kernel of an acorn
I remember

Your pants were about to come off
You looked at me that way you always
Use to
Like you were forever grieving
Knowing
I was too good for you
But yet you just had to take a bite
To see if I'd flinch and grow rotten.

We got into trouble
There was a clothing store
We were lost
You came and found me
I wanted nothing to do with you
And its all just images now
All just too real, vivid
Instances where I wonder
Did you dream the same?

Explaining my point of view
And I can surely see and indicate what
Yours must have been
Because thats what I do for a living.

But I awoke
As you and the setting
Disappeared like smoke
And I thanked God
I never have to see you take your pants off
And look at me like a dead man
Ever again.

For as long as I live
I'll never forget the way
Your dark eyes twinkled
Next to my bed side
As you said
"Congratulations baby!"

And meant every ounce of it.

I've gotten very use to
Very good at
The constant flow of
Company
My bed is sorta small
But I live in a luxurious apartment
I cannot afford on my own
At this juncture
Of time.

You can tell
That a gypsy built bridges
Slabs of paint
Covered in found furniture
Photos, poetry
Of the magnificent
Delicate
And fierce life I have lived.

It's in my mismatched clothes
My intentional carefree
And confident will
To be the best and hope
For an uplifting
Angel sigh of relief
And a flexed moment of liberation
Where me and my company
I don't grow hazy
Or too tired to empathize

But I think
I live and will live
Such a full life.

And now I
With a white scarf on and black lipstick
Pretty pretty witch
Gonna push right through
The ever flowing feeling
Of me and my work
Not meaning
Anything.

Beware the hot air
The tapestry of falsehood determination
And preaching habits
It gargled and chewed me up once too
Influence rang like a bell
In the room down the hall
As I came home to empty cooked dishes
And a nestle of false promises
Where I was the stork
The beak
And the babe.

Chapped red cheeks
Holding hands with
The little ones
Having to *** after
The slip and slide
The rollercoaster ride
Of gallivanting and shining
In the orange part of
Californication.

Your plaid shirt
Red wine with the older ones
I'm the youngest of all
As we purr in our troll meets kitty like way
Return to the city
What is not almost today
Let's pick up the seeds, nuts, spinach
And all of the hummus
My eyes are so tired
But I feel a deep mature contentment
I've been longing to feel
All of my days.

Like a fireball of curl
Vivid blue eyes shouting out
Clever wit, wrapped in
Education, so bright
A medal, flashing lights
Standing side by side
A photograph, published in the paper
Little Montgomery, Alabama Genisuses.

A bus ride
Loud echoing laughter
Its been in my mind and haunting me all day
And it reminds me of the time
Before and before
Before, before, before
Where at their own Southern delicate hand
Self medication with fabricated roses
Covered in perhaps a lonesome hatred
And forgetfulness of the love that
Penetrates through timeless beating moments.

Long blonde hair swinging like a monsoon
You were shorter than me
Wittier too.

We smoked **** in the bathroom
Drank whiskey like we were the big shots in town
Because we were Andrew.

Wherever it is that your soul is now
I imagine its very green
Green leaves like the **** we smoked
Or the money we hoped to make
Green like my eyes when we would crash in hotel rooms
Win first place
In our different categories
I wish I had come to the party
But I was there last year
And you were so drunk
****** up
And I wondered.

But aren't we all?
Aren't we all deciphering our health
Benefits
I hope you didn't vote for Trump
I know you didn't.

Because you were and are
A fireball
A fireball in a sea of mossy green
Our man made trophies weren't even
Monumental enough
To keep you here with us.

With a hooded chalk ridden grin
Piercing eyes and the desire for a constant
Sequen feathered goose
Clad in iconic head to toe pink
(I've gotta find someone to wear this dress)
Female filmmakers we want to be beautiful too
Everybody puts themselves in their own ****
To the point that I sometimes wonder at the productivity
But what.

I am/was an actor too baby
Probably more talented than you.

We want to be recognized for our intelligence, our genius
Wit
Beauty
Everything
We want to be noticed and recognized for everything
And I often surround myself with women
That would rather climb atop my head as if they were a much more fabulous decoration or a hat
But only to exclaim
"No! No!! Never, I want to embellish you. Or add to you"

And sometimes you most certainly ******* do.
But I am so **** wary of these ladies that show up and expect so much and give so little and are not upfront
But take 5 steps back and complain
About not being a good enough
Sparkly enough
Hat
My eyeballs could pop.

I should rest now
And give less of a ****
If only those two went hand in hand.

Lately
I have chosen another little
Carved a patch of wood
In order to aid my energy
My own fear or pointed thinking
And decided that if you have not made the effort to keep up with me
And what you post or project
Doesn't make me feel positivity
With zero malice
I simply free myself
Of having the responsibility
Of peering into the captured intimate moments of your life
That you don't really care if I see
Or don't see.

Insurmountable amounts of Vitamin D
I often work myself up
And then it's time to leave
To do the packing, the self coaching
Flying through a cloudy sky
Don't drink the coffee
Beware what you touch
Nothing is washed or well kept
Unless I'm beyond exhausted
It's hard to nestle in, get shut eye
And every time I come back to the south
I find it harder to speak
Plainly
And with feeling.

But it's a rescue haven
Filled with warm buttered sunrises and sundowns
That I don't much gaze into
Because it's good to huddle under a blanket
In my ocean sea bat cave.

I did it
I'm cutting to the heart, the meat
Every time I've thought to pick up a pen
And figure it out
I've felt so locked up
And I want to celebrate you
And I want to celebrate me
We should all feel so worthy and beautiful.

A show of skin
Baby remember when
You held me in your arms, a kiss so passionate
"I'll talk to you soon"
You said three times
I wasn't concerned
Of course you would.

It's been a ******* hard time
Especially for your generation
And the one above you
Idols are dying
Everyone is sighing
This is us, we voted and chose this way
Because it's us we want to stay
On top of the mountain of wealth
With little hiccup or chance
For those with wayward grins
Or a darker skin
Than what our Pappy spanked us with a belt
And instilled in us our own self treasure.

And though I speak as though I am some part of this we
My lampshades are bright and there's plenty of light
For you and you.

I could write for ages
About anything and everything
Mirrors surround me and look back at me
And I calm and reassure
The sunrise
The sunset
The flights
The circumspect.

The voices of police officers reporting
The batching
Dispatching
Hums and whistles in the background
On my Grannies radio
Sports playing near the front
Row after row of old antique figurine
Men and women
As I think in hindsight now
Of how the separation of gender, too
Slowly
Slow as a Southern day
Melts away.

And its funny
Because time does seem endless here
Whereas in the conundrum of the sparkling city
Every moment the clock echoes the passing of time
Its as if you have gotten or lost.

I look closely at faces
But hide my own form and face away
Without a touch of Egyptian liner or
Dust of rose
I'm confident enough in my own skin now
To think and say
This is just what my face looks like
But it feels good to chisel and embrace
Too.

With heavy hands I'll nestle
Make myself radiate less
Smaller, get smaller
As to not draw
More unwanted attention.

She limped, her legs swollen
Her teeth clattering against a mint green gum
My father didn't sit for the first 15 minutes
I wondered if it was because it was
Sort of sad to see her.

I'm an angsty *******
Once I get to about the three day mark
Of having spent time
In the Williams abode
Where I once howled into the moonlight
Over a boy or 3
Drank Smirnoff, in the dark of my bathroom
At the ripe age of 15
Explored and chased
Hurt and replaced
Carved my name out in pink
Buttercup lipstick
Replaced my eyes with a contact blue
Bleached my hair a pure white
Sought to be tiny
Perfect
Porcelain.

Ownership
Self ownership
Possession.
I feel like I had so much of that in college
And as I've grown older
I've found myself
Wanting to disappear
Into the crevices
Of shut up woman,
Just shut the **** up.

The skin around my eye sockets ache
A thumping dull thud
On this Christmas Eve
I drink hot chocolate, a glass of red
I wish I felt like I had it all together.

The television rumbles behind me
My boyfriend and I
We line up like soldiers
To try and determine
How to better treat
And be with one another.

Like a worn down page
Near the end of a book
The front cover you first fell in love with
The introduction you might have mistook
But as you read on
You couldn't help but flip and flip again
Drinking and soaking up the red coated ***
Of delicious page to page.

But we discovered today
In the wooded neighborhood
Called McGee Estates
Where I hang my tired hat for a few days
That a transfer of emotions and hard comings
Have come and settled
And with white torched fingertips
Breathed their name into mine.

An awareness, we find it
We discover it with a pail and shovel
I imagine mistletoe must be hanging
Everyone around me gets engaged
Or their videos go viral
And it doesn't make me bitter at all
I just fight to try and live my best life.

A big deep breath
A surrender to the knowledge
That I cannot conquer and own everything there is
Expectations whistle and thistle
Like the Southern whisper of morning dew
As I run rampant
Trying to discover whats new
Whats new.

But whats new is here
And within me as it always has been
That burnt page doesn't have to spiral into embers
Or a lonely attitude

Its Christmas
Its almost Christmas
I feel as though I've aged eons
But this is the hustle
This is the point of no finish line.

In a constant state of
Not you this time.

Don't you ever think of me?
And how I was the one to leave
Boxes of jewelry, a perfectly crafted
Tattoo on my forehead
The majority of my days I think
Never of you
And perhaps, no
I am sure
It is the reminder
Of the Southern humid air
And the men I brought home
Only to leave holes in the wall near my head
And still, I carry the **** on.

Something occurred to me now
In my little white sweat shirt
Why could none of us ever be okay?

Forgiveness like the red worn gloves
In the sleeve of my snow jacket
A message at 4am
Or
Boarding a flight and nodding my head
How fat you have grown.

A twinkling box
Who would of thought
You would all move on
Get married someday
I tried to make an ode to it all
With a camera, a wedding dress
A bit of old glue
Only to see now with wiser eyes
The little gaping cuts and holes
Whispering
Don't be afraid to fill me up
Little swan one.

A ring or two
Black hair like a Jonas brother
I loved him more than the blood keeping me alive
Pictures slid and idle by at times
That could have been me
Or me
That was almost once me
I left, I went, I outgrew
You left, you cheated
You gave up.

And I can chalk it up all day to youth
As the universe titled on its axis and said
"Not yet."

The promise of hope, anew
I've got jewelry and cradles of the love exchanged
Wanting to be done with each of those days
Until biting into the fence of fresh flesh
Experience
And now I'm the taken, happy one

And it's not because I gotta make it so
Or justify the creased lines in my forehead
It's not easy
But it's lasting and deep.

The more I speak my mind
The more I should shut up.

I'm always glad to be the one to go

It's the one thing I can kind of control.

I remember how
And now I grow
Outgrow
Grow
And go.

The flurry of desire to take up space
To spread my wings as far as they could expand
Every white pure interlaced with gold and silver
A sparkling blood red
I don't have to question now
I just now I flutter and fly.

Passing through bridges
The city of Chicago landscape
I think sweetly of all
Of it all.
Of how much I've given
And lost
And gained

And in the midst of that sentence
My driver
A beautiful woman who can barely speak English
But could turn back and smile at me knowingly
"Tequila?!"
She knew we smiled and laughed
And just now pointed with her long index finger
To a car wth the corner entirely crushed, it's insides exploding into little yellow and orange malted parts
And that's why with every fiber of joy
I fear the disaster, destruction.

A little Christmas tree
We reinvent and make our own rules
I recover from what I was wrong
And overly eager about
You text me back
Keeping the bed warm
As I glance nostalically at the beach
Covered in snow we race right past
As I see my first year of Chicago
**** and echo by

She angry now
The woman who likens herself to a butterfly
But she angry with the truth
And I open and close my eyes
And simply say
You gotta work for it *****
Nothing comes to those don't invest
And eat the apple.

I'm so here
And I don't gotta prove it anymore
It's just an untold fact.

When will the day come that I don't fear when you don't answer my call

My hair is brown
2. I've gained weight
3. I'm afraid
4. **** Donald Trump
5. I've lost the patience to read or really observe deeply whats happening in the world
6. I feel very small and lost
7. My connections to others I find myself constantly scrutinizing
8. I'm sometimes on a very different page than others, especially a lot recently
9. I feel like my projects and work don't matter
10. I feel deep exciting moments of pleasure that then immediately disappear
11. I have withdrawn in a lot of ways from other people and often keep to myself
12. Primarily to conserve energy
13. I'm incredibly sensitive and worry that in all of this I have somehow grown to be a cocky machine
14. I fear and worry that I do not bring my boyfriend lasting joy
15. I see so deeply into things and into the other side of moments and circumstances that it is often torture
16. I'm terrible with numbers and math
17. I'm still not fully over my ex-boyfriend or the **** of my accumulated past
18. It has been both empowering and extremely painful to have started totally anew, so many times
19. I often feel neglected and forgotten
20. I need to drink more water
21. My throat hurts right now
22. Its hard to eat healthily on set
23. I wish I had gone to film school
24. I sometimes feel sad that I don't act or model often and it makes me feel like a failure
25. That thought exhausts me
26. I would be more excited about said acting and modeling projects  if I felt they really conveyed what I'm interested in
27. I am scared when I go to sleep in my apartment
28. I'm not totally comfortable in my apartment yet
29. Everything feels fleeting
30. I worry and examine everything I do
31. I feel as though I have caged myself
32. I don't feel like myself when I am not blonde
33. I'm nothing we thought I would be
34. THIS is the coldest winter I've ever known
35. I need more vitamin d
36. I'm rambling
37. I hate waking up early
38. I wish I liked me more
39. I worry theres no real room for me here
40. Sometimes I imagine dying in very graphic ways.

I wish I was doing better.

Today was mentally draining
Due to the immense hard look I had at myself from time to time
In the hours that slowly ticked by
And I try with a comb, to make it all make sense
And I don't know if I'm just fading
But I know its all just a phase
I seem to repeat and sleep
Time after time
Seeing the woman I'm going to be on the other side

Numbers tick and lick through my mind
I try to tap into that crevice of compute, compute
Showering, wiping off with an orange towel

There are a lot of things about me
That I don't like about me right now
And it feels as if there is no real safe space
With the fingertip of my hand
To greater analyze and understand

Why do I feel in constant transition?

My favorite thing is to walk around your apartment when you're not home and think "a woman must kind of live here."

Remember how
It was all laced up in
Lemon colored sunshine
Sweet like the dirt
I fell right into
As if I should have known
Like I should have listened
And with eager long limbed blonde limbs
I swept myself into my own dust.

I'm on set now
My face feels crusty
For every negative moment
Something full of a boundless energy seizes me by
My invisible lapels
And says lady, love
Sweet lady love.

I don't know how to make it
All feel good all the time
But I'm good at what I do
And every bit
I take a step back a bit
And say
Lets not fly off the handle

But my god I feel so much all the time.

There's a flutter in my chest
Let's name him "Warshop"
And he drifts in a boat
Called the Igloo
We pitter pat
As if biting, nawing
Into forgotten and feathered hats
And impotent impatience
That meditates between pain and fiction
Detailing type writer copy
Dialed in by the hand that feeds
And forgets
Me.

Warshop,
He's strict and strong
With iron for horns
A lip made up of daisies
Wilted in the corner of a bed frame
He flutters inside my heart
And whispers me weaknesses and faults
That I don't think is pointed out to me
All that often
Because a lighter radiance
Often shines brighter.

But with that flutter
That power
Comes the responsibility of haste
A fear of being replaced
Just to say:
Remember when you were 15
How beautiful you were then
Like a crisp magnolia flower
On a humid sun dried fried okra day
Just to swoop in and say
The pampas grass grows vast
In the sweet limber of quail egged fusion
Of the mornings you drank coffee and dreamed big.

Warshop
I think we might could be friends
But I'm still learning to pick and play with him
Like the string of my first Fender black and silver guitar
That I picked up so that a boy would like me
But had a natural knack for
Only later to trade it for paint
Words
Performance
Speech
Directing.

Warshop
The masculine wailing tiger inside of me
We often raise our swords
As if a bow and arrow could solve it
Or erase it all
But he's every bit the inside
And outside of me.

A little more stolen time
To read, write
Fold laundry, do some push ups
Accessing how to exist
In this
I don't have to push, shove past it
And drag dusty bones or the mouthes of those who love me
Down into the gutter of expectation
Correlation to everything I hope
And want to be
Because the whole truth
Is it's all just happening.

I'm just so tired
And want to do everything right
I speak my mind
And gets me in trouble sometimes
I'm just so tired
I want everything to be right
And it's been such a tough time.

I could write poem after poem
But it won't necessarily make anything
Any easier
But I can only control where and how I go
Sometimes I often think it would be better
If I were more quiet
So I'm silencing the noise
And encountering my temper
Just wanna be so happy
In the midst of this Christmas time
A whistling of winter weather
It's always the coldest this time.

Got a vulnerable chip on my shoulder today
Feeling invalidated
Told I'm crazy, need to behave
Too dramatic, in my head
A girlfriend of mine reassures me
It's gaslit manipulation
Just apologize
For bringing me down.

But the clock ticks and goes
As Rudolph personifies
Those that voted blue
I'm so confused as to why
It's been such a trying time
My baby, I know he love me
Don't wanna disappoint
Don't wanna be too harsh
I always wanna be a winner.

But man, can't it just get any easier?

I know
It all starts with me.

Remember the moonshine?
And how I fit in the crevices of the
Fridge that sunny, humid bright summer night
Coral high waisted shorts
Short hair
It was all in fun, we always made eyes
Until you turned around and gave it right to me
A sweeping addiction
The curl of a lip that I fell into
Like goose feathers on fire
Humming like the familiar whisper of
"I do have a girlfriend. But its nearly over."

Or
Or just how
"Its open can't you see"
Come, come play with me
Ensnared in the trap
The trap that knows and chooses no quiet
To only find myself justifying the mischief
With its not me, cant quit it
Not yet
Take a deep breath
But I always saw it for what it was.

An angry much older than me woman
Hit high like an airoplane
But I swear there was no MIA playing in the background
I would rather there have been
Perhaps I could have chalked it up
To that time I was 14, 15
And we sang in loud southern voices
Thinking we were gods
Swept up in the toxicity
Of what is leaving here?

But I left
I left and ran away
My mama did a good job the other day
Of making me feel like
Sometimes it is good to take a step back
When my rattle snake tail
Thumps and hurdles
No wicked, no rest
Just a biting honesty
That sometimes
Gets me in what I would have said when I was little
"Trouble."

I wear faux fur around my neck
When I shave the insides of my thighs
Pretending that I'm the queen of the ruins
But I'm always in such a hurry
To get it over with, get it done.

I've trifled and I've seen so much
I write and read it out loud often
In what I imagine to be
The glass that I dreamed shattered out of my hands
As my patient and ever loyal lover
Rested and hoped for ease
In the room adjacent to me.

I'm becoming better and stronger
With each day that goes by
And though that better and that stronger
Often times feels swamped in
Cob webs, dusty rabbit dens
The buzzing nest of a wasp
That stung the tip of my finger
I must have been seven
When I thought I was an etherial being

And stood in front of a group of boys
And said
"Let me."

A moment
To step back
The dinging and ringing
Of keep up, step ahead
Launch right into it
Brings a glimmer
Already
Of soft clear fresh air.

A glass of red wine
Perhaps two
Baby left both bottles
And all the groceries behind
Not to say bye *****
I'm leavin'
But to say without even needing to
Enjoy my darling, for you
And for us.

Busy work
Lots of focused busy work
This hat I've never worn before
Remember the orders of tea
Handed one, two, three
Sharpies and razor blade cut
Specificity, acute instructions
No need to snap a picture
Lets just do it.

Caught red handed
In the midst of December
But baby, I don't stray
I'm just scared
So I'll nestle some eggs
Fertilize my own garden
Not as a reactionary battle cry
Or for the times I feel alone at night
But because its just gonna be okay
We gonna be okay

What I hope not to be
Just as a romanticized emblem
Or glorified puppy love
But for always
Because its us.

The thing is
As I sit here and drink my red wine
My love buying food for his crew
He still hasn't read my poem
That I sent yesterday
And its all okay
Until its not and its revealed
That I am young
And I do not know sometimes
And its true you have to understand

That I pointed a camera
And spoke some poetic words
And hoped for the best
And never really knew
That I'd end up where I am now
And it hurts to hear I might have cost myself some wins
But this is why I am 26

And learning
And learning oh so much.

So I drink my wine
And can't grieve too many times
But fill out the information a little bit better
Than I could before
And learn and grow.