Daddy.
You've been gone over a year now.
And I call on you all the time.
They tell me you've seen my successes.
But you're always on my mind.
I miss you and it keeps get harder.
Because I can't seem to get smarter
Tell me to make the right choice
The thoughts on my head have your voice
I miss you
Mom told me the truth today
You left me and I can't find a way
To rationalize
Your Demise
Tell me it'll be ok

You're probably not even thinking about me
In reality you're probably cuddled up with her
Getting some sleep for work early in the morning
But I'm out here waiting for you
Because maybe my thoughts still echo in your head
I don't know what it is I want
Just to talk
Because maybe you understood me
Maybe you still could
Or maybe I'm sick
And I'm never satisfied with enough
With the best
I swear to God I would never act
On what my heart tells me
Because that ***** rarely has my best interests at heart
Pun intended
But you could come say hi
Catch up
With no listening ears
No prying eyes
Just old friends talking about yesterday
No harm
No foul
No way
Nothing more
Not like before
Come see me won't you
But you won't
And that's ok too
Safe

Why am I so MUCH
So much that you can't sleep beside me
I'm convinced because my brain is so loud
That it keeps yours going
As we sit in the stillness of the dark

I wish so desperately
That you understood when I say that I'm having trouble
Living inside of my own mind
But you are so simple
So sweet
Such a strong swimmer
But ultimately unprepared for the wave that is ME
So I'll stay here writing rambling poems in the dark
Becoming less myself
Before I find my way to our bed

Because you can't rest beside me

I successfully washed away
The worst parts of myself
And built a new life
Completely clean

But even though
I'm only a year away from
Having an entire body that you've never touched
That I have tattoos your lips have never seen
I created a self that you don't know

I can't get rid of you

And this life
So perfect
So precious
Seems lacking without you in it

I can't let you go
And I don't know why
What's worse?
Seeing you every once in a blue moon?
Or obsessing about how you're missing from this

This thing that I built to finally rid myself of you

I'm sick.
You're the cure.

I don't trust myself around you
How can the cure also be the poison
A fire that always burns
That could destroy my everything

I miss you. Please call.
You terrify me. Please don't call.

Try to write poetry
I said
It will make you feel better
I said
What if the words won't come?
I ask myself.
Get medicated then.
I reply.




No.

I spent so much time
And energy
Dragging your lifeless body
Up the cliffs of hell
That when we found the surface
I couldn't drag myself over the ledge
And you left me there
Now
On the surface
After my time to rest
You won't look me in the eyes

I fought so hard to save you
Burned my fingers on the hot coals
Of loving you
Yet
You deprive me the chance
To dance with you on the surface

Congratulations you ******* *****

Why do I always look back to you
When nothing about US made sense
How is it that so much later
You cross my mind
And I'm still jealous
Of the life you built with someone else
Even though I'm living mine
And I'm fine
And I don't want you
I swear