they
make
me
happy

I am a paradox

Paradox
Noun  
par·a·dox \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\
                 -One (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

I as a person claim to desire physical contact and love
But as soon as I obtain these my skin crawls and my heart clenches and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety

While I have a crushing, nearly debilitating fear of public speaking, I can stand on a stage and sing or act before billions of people.

Constantly I wish to share my whole life with others
While simultaneously coveting secrecy and hiding my burdens and fears and flaws from those who could heal and help and dissuade

Paradox
Noun  
par·a·dox \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\
something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible

I am a paradox
And its hard for even me to makes sense of myself

I am smart
I am brave
I am confident
I am strong
I am loved

I am smart
Smart enough to know that I control my emotions
Not the other way around
Smart enough to understand that every crack
In my soul will heal eventually
Smart enough to acknowledge that life isn’t easy
And if it was I’d be bored as Hell

I am brave
Brave enough to be able to cross the street
Without holding someone’s hand
Brave enough to stand up
And walk down an unlit street at night
Brave because if I’m not, I won’t be able
To protect myself and the ones I love

I am confident
Confident to wear what I want
Because if other people don’t like it, I don’t care because it sure as Hell’s not on their bodies
Confident because even though I may feel lost when thinking about the future, that doesn't mean I’m not gonna kick *** at whatever I do
Confident because as long as I do what I love
There’s no way I can ever go wrong

I am strong
Stronger than two days ago
When I was broken
Stronger than every time I let one word
Or phrase break my soul
Stronger than yesterday
When a single note could conjure tears

I am strong
I am strong enough to put on my band-aids by myself
I don’t need mommy to cover up the blood
I am strong enough to put down the pain
And pick up a pen as a new way of escape
I am strong enough to pull a blanket around my shoulders
And glue my courage back into my body to keep going one more day

And I am loved
I am loved by the people surrounding me
With every word and touch they give
I am loved not because of my face and appearance
But because of my soul and my kindness
I am loved through every freeway and pothole
In this highway we all are rolling down

But most importantly
I am loved by myself
I am loved by myself
I love every inch of my body,
My mind
My soul
My heart.
And even without first having
Intelligence
Bravery
Courage
Or Strength
Having love creates it all
For love is the strongest support

Sometimes
Silence works wonders
On the soul

Darling, I know that you are
Confused.
Upset.
Lost.
Out of control.
And don't know why.
Have you ever punched the wall just to hear the smash of your hand crunching against the hard paint?
Darling please, you don't need to.
Just take a breath and hug yourself instead.
To feel the twinge of pain that radiates from your knuckles to your fingers to your palms, and, if you hit hard enough, to your shoulder blades?
Darling please, don't hurt yourself.
Too many people have done that already
Have you ever taken your hand down and stared at your hand, amazed that no evidence of your pain and anger and confusion is even there?
Darling please, you aren't alone.
You just need to stop hiding.
Have you ever stared at your mirror and begged your reflection to tell you why you have this gaping hole within you and
Darling please
All you want is answers
Darling please
All you need is a reason
Darling please
All you need is love
Darling please
Remember that love is all around you.
You just need to lower your fist
Open your palms,
Turn away from the mirror,
And listen.

I know the way you walk
On a bad day
The way your hips speak
To the wind and the way
The air listens

I can read the sway like a book
Or like a bible;
I haven't decided which yet
But I know that your eyes
Can't change my mind
No matter how hard you try

I know you're crazy;
The way your arms fly apart
Like a duck in a bird hunt
And when I walk away I know
You're falling too

I hate it when someone breaks your heart.
Because I can't do anything to piece it back together.

I hate it when someone breaks your heart.
Because I want to be your knight in shining armor
And rally forces to defend you from the gaze of your former love.

But even with the armor and sword
I can't find the forces to help me in my battle
And a knight without an army may be able to charge the castle, but will have a hell of a time trying to take it over.

I hate it when someone breaks your heart
Because whenever you hurt, I feel it, and trust me baby, I never want you to be in pain again.