I deserve to be free.
Free from you.
Free from this pain.
Not have my heart aching.
And follow my own path.

I'm grateful for the things I did have.
But now I want to go.
I did receive love.
Comfort from things, clothes, music, bodies.
I'm happy to leave, it's ok and fine.

I'm ready to let go.
Let go of everything.
Be content.
And be glad to be ready when I am.
I'm letting go.

I am free.
Grateful and happy to follow my own path.
Free from pain.
Free from my body.
But I can still be this person that I am.

This part of something bigger that I can see.
I have it all in me.
It will all be meaningful and loving.
Now I know how to give this intense type of love.

Cause I learned to lose it and feel it and store it for the right kind.
I'm ready to get ready.
Set me free.
For meaning and love.
Following my own path free from pain.
Letting go.

***** dark tears ran inside my speakers.
The sound still cracks now when I play my favorite songs.
It will not sound as clear as it used to ever again.
And I crack up when I hear it every day.
Everything breaks.

All good things get destroyed.
I tried to make some stuff right again like all of us do.
But it usually never becomes the same again.
People get ruined and die over and over, break, crack and grow.

It will change.
And it should never be as it was before cause that’s not what life’s about.
Yet the grief is heavy and sometimes too hard to take.

Salty ***** tears destroyed my speakers.
I don’t think I can ever tell my story but I left a lot of poetry.
The ***** ink will last forever and I left it at many places.

Somehow it brought me peace.
Along the way things changed and it will never be the same.
But it has never been ok anyway.
I just used to think it was when I was very young.
But it was all wrong from the start.
It was cracked from the beginning but it sounded somewhat clear.

Now I hope that I can hear a clear sound after I finally escape through the cracks.
I will try to let some of this clear sound escape through the cracks for you to hear as well.
And swim in clear water, make sounds like water creatures.
And hear and see it all so clearly even in the water with the energy that sets me free!
No more ***** tears and cracked up sounds.

All the dark water is still clear and sparkling.
All the dark eyes are deep and clear.
So is the love, so is the freedom, so it the power, so is this place.
Nothing cracks or hurts.

It’s clear forever and it feels right and true.
The deeper I dive in, the more I recognize and realise where I belong.
And my ***** tears stream and my cracked up speakers scream.
I cry for mercy, to be let out.
Like the clear sound that can’t pass through.
Let me escape through the cracks and be where the sound is clear to me.

Where it’s no longer broken.
Where it’s no longer *****.
Where it’s no longer hurting.
And when it will not break.
Where it stays alright and clear forever.

Every sound hurts
Everything reminds me of you
Sometimes I convince myself I’m over you now.
But you always come back.

I still got my list of things to pack for when I see you.
But I got enough freedom and friends and things that I can do Instead.
It all just doesn’t feel right, I’m getting tired and despise it.
I’m so over starting over.

This world has gone madder and madder and it makes me want to distance myself.
But when I do and I’m with you I feel like I can do everything and anything I want to!
Are you coming back?
Or am I doing this alone once more?

It’s ok for a little moment.
But don’t stay away from me when I have to live.
I need you!
Although I’m free in the moment and I convinced myself I’m over you.

I’m so over starting over.
I’m so over being all alone all over.
Even though there’s enough people and things to do.
They’re never really fitting even though I feel so free.

Just being alone and free to do anything.
Are you coming with me?
Sometime soon?
Please do.

You found yourself somebody else.
My world turned cold.
My body's restless and in pain.
I should think about what matters, who matters.
But nothing will ever feel ok.
We can't create our own little world anymore.
Everybody leaves, everybody gets away.
I was so scared to hurt that I forgot that I'd be the one left in the end.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

You found yourself somebody.
I told you I wanted you to.
But why did it have to be before I was ready to leave?
This world is cruel, cold and dark.
Especially when you're always fighting lonely.
It won't be pleasant again.
But you can't hurt me anymore either cause I know the truth.
But this is the end of hope.
Hope for anything better.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I should think about the people that matter.
We've always been fighting alongside each other.
Like a true family.
We just couldn't live together.
I wish we could at least feel free together, maybe once when I'm away.
Away from this world and body.
I'm so proud of you and me, we've done everything.

But I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

Two people in a bubble.
Are very lucky.
But are just as fragile.
As the bubble they live in.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Because they wanted to be.
Two people in a bubble.
They wanted to be ´´we´´.
And escape the horror.


The bubble is better than life.
In the bubble is less trouble,
The bubble of love, the colours of a raibow.
The bubble of love that those two people blow.


Is it selfish to break
the bubble when it´s fake?
When you care, can you blow a nice one?
And let the other float off.
With a kiss and a cry and love.


Crying so hard filling the bubble with tears, it will break anyway.
Some day.

I roll my eyes at everything
Even at my bed that’s never comfy
I took all the pain meds I was allowed to take.
And walked away.
Rolling my eyes at the leaves dancing.
Come on man with the van, stop whistling!

Too tired, overwhelmed, numb, depressed.
In pain, aching, heavy.
Just moving one foot before the other.
Pretending to be floating with the music.
Like I’m not there.

You've got to be stronger than you feel.
Life demands it.
You've got to do things you really don't feel like doing.
Even though you're exhausted.
You've got to be at places that you don't want to be at.
It feels uncomfortable and way too heavy.
You need to be with somebody but you can't.
When you need them more than ever they're too busy.
Life demands it.
You've got to be stronger than you feel.

I keep waiting.
I'm an idiot.
I run to you in agonizing pain.
The pain you caused me.

I'm just stupid.
I'm addicted.
I need to withdrawal from you.
But I don't want to.

Cause I hate life without you.
And I do love you.
But I keep on waiting.
For you to open up.
I know you can't take away my pain.
Like I can't take aways yours.

Although I'd really hold your naked body tight.
And maybe we'd even have a meaningful conversation.
About how to move forward.
Is there a way, can we at least try?
Or are we going to run around in circles.
And am I just gonna keep waiting.

There was an issue but no reason for blocking me.
Are you hiding something?
I'm an idiot.
I ran to you.
I couldn't bare the pain, the information you were sending.
I need to withdrawal from you.

But I love you.
What am I to you?
An idiot?
The waiting idiot.

On good days I'd say: You win some you lose some.
But when will I be done learning?
When can I ever be ready for dying alone?
It saddens me so deeply.
There's nothing left.

A loveless death.
And one person who deserves it the least to see me leave.
When I was never there anyway.
And she suffers in same and different ways.
I need to leave but I dread it.
Tried it before, I really tried to, I pushed through.
Came right back every time.

Now it hurts to know that there's no hope or love left for me here.
No peace, no savety, no joy, no life.
Nothing but death waiting.
A lonely horrific way.
Nobody to help, nobody to hold on to while drifting far away.
Maybe if I try to picture it in my head: Me lying there with you.
Then it will all be ok.

I can't let it break me over and over.
Trying to die, life, trying to make it till the next day.
But death cannot be this painful cause I want to move away far.
Peacefully and happy to go.

Not in such sadness.
Dying as merciless as living, that's no way to go.
And on good days I say: You win some, you lose some.
When will I be ready to lose this life?

I need a waterfall of mercy all over my tortured body.
That kept waking up from noises when it got comfy finally. One day it will end, one day I will find peace. But now just let me sleep and not be in this horror please!!!

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

Mixed feelings, always mixed heavy feelings.
There’s no straight line, just tight knots.
Where’s the end?
Where’s does this start?

I can’t let go, I can’t keep going.
Can’t just burn these ropes, cannot lose it all.
Wrapped up in discomfort.

So tightly but I can still dance when I’m with you.
But I need to use the tight knots to remind myself: I’m never free until I leave.

But when I leave there’s no life left to hold on to.
That’s no way to be.
That’s just a dead body hanging by a thread.

I'm just sitting here staring.
Sometimes eating.
Feeling too heavy.
I force myself to move every day.

Just hold me.
So I don't feel so heavy.
When you hold me.
I don't feel so heavy.

In the evening when I'm so alone, solo.
I know it's over already.
Cause I'm never living anymore for so long.

Now finally there's a pill to take but it takes time.
Actually dying, I've tried it before.
Done the irreversible acts, so I thought.

But this time I will know for sure.
It takes time though.
It takes more before, more different pills.
All alone, so alone, solo.

Somehow I can't.
Should I die singing?
I'm not dying crying.

They say: you will know when you're ready.
They say a lot of stuff.
I don't think I can ever be ready.
Not even almost.

I just know that going on is never ever working.
So now I'm just sitting here on the verge of crying.
But there are never any tears.

Just a feeling, some more eating and just staring.
Forcing my body to go outside walking.
Only walking, it is the only thing.
The only thing that is somewhat comforting and not destructive.

Something that is not eating.
While I'm carrying this feeling that I should be able to escape.
I keep asking, bagging myself to help myself.
Out of love, out of the pain.
I can do this.

Not leading anybody on.
Including me.
I wish there was a doctor of mercy who could put me down.
But no, this is all on me.
So lonely, solo.

Death, I’ve been there.
How did I end up here?
I will go back.
But never go back here.
No way.
Will we meet somewhere?
I love your skin.
Not mine.
I love your bed.
Never mine.
I can’t sleep with you.
Only when you stay awake.
When I wake up you are tired.
You sleeping is me leaving.
To another bed, never comfy.
I love resting with you.
Never on my own.
Don’t let me have these lonely evenings.
Restless nights.
Terrifying issues.
Let me escape them.
I can’t keep walking.
Aimlessly.

Blurry browny.
A deep tone.
Trying to die.
Not thinking about death.
A deep brown tone.
Creamy filling.
Very heavy.
Not thinking about eating.
A thick brown tasty coffee flavoured filling.
Brown layering.
Chocolate kiss.
Not listening to the deep tone.
Very smudgy.
Licking thick cream.
Blurry browny.
Not seeing everything but only feeling.
Nice tasty intense.
Deep brown.
Chocolate filling.

To all the people who are tired, overwhelmed, fighting and/or feeling depressed: You rock, you are an amazing, magical being. A warrior deserving of a world that’s loving and giving. You have so much power in you. But it’s always being drained because you give the world so much of you. I’m not going to say thank you because this world to me is not one I like to be in. But your fighting’s not in vain. The world beyond this one may recognize your beauty and your work. May you one day find that thankfulness, that loving and that giving. A world where you can be in. In every way that you deserve to. Find whatever you are longing for with care and so much healing. A way of existing that doesn’t take anything but just gives back what you’ve been in need for. For so long. Hold on, hold on. We all are one!

Overwhelmed staring.
I kept on resting this morning. Your energy is so lovely just like yesterday. And like last night. I didn’t even worry about sleep. Slept enough anyway in the end after a fight here and there. In me, everlasting overwhelming stare. And you make me want to continue the fight while I know it’s not alright. Only for a while and another....

That kinda hurt.
That OCD on my head.
All the guys are standing around there.
Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.

I lie my body with a quilted coat before the fountain.
Underneath the trees that keep dropping things and the birds are in them.
The guys are watching from the pavement.
They are watching a lady covered in plastic playing the paino with her cat.

Nobody sees me lying down near the fountain.
Listening to dust to dust to dust.....
I need to trust, or should I always?
It will always turn out how you feel it should in the end.

You have to go through it, you're allowed to be sad.
But you can be happy in the moment.
I sing so loud, basically crying on the street ignoring everybody.
The wind is so fresh on my buzzed cut, yeah!

Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.
This will take a little while more.
This will hurt a little longer.
Cause you weren't able to disappear into the air.

And leave to go anywhere cause this guy called you back again.
That didn't hurt at all.
It made me feel so much more alive than the days before.
But I was still feeling, I was actually bursting all the time before he pulled me back.

I want to break out of this.
I want to lie on his bed.
I want to stare back at these guys watching a lady in plastic playing.
I want to be playing the games that I choose.

Not the ones that are happening because I am stuck in this game.
But I want to feel my own feelings, even in here.
Let me experience it all.
Let me tease you into staring at me like the world is disappearing.
And we are not!

Dragging myself outside, heavy neck and eyelids.
Music let's me fly.
You can fly with your eyes closed.
I float untill my body hits the ground.

Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

Part of me feels so much like I should’ve died years ago.
The other part knows that I wasn’t supposed to cause the mess was too great even to leave it behind.
So the mess became a large deep pit of information with me dancing in it.
Till I could finally find a way to shoot myself above all that.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong to.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
Life's never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Let's be in love again and just stay in that bubble.
For one day.
One more day, ok?

I just ate a quarter of a whole apple pie on my own.
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone.
I'm longing for you and you only.
But if I loved you too much I'd just be leaving you lonely.
Even though you've always managed to pull yourself through life.
Losing your best friends, your father, your wife.
She's still your number one, that's fine.
Cause for now I can love you and for a moment you're mine.

Please be with me and hug me even if it's just for one more day again.
I love you, I love you, you are my favourite man.
I hate life, I have to get out, I can't do anything.
But the only thing that feels right is just being with you and loving.
And you will hate me for the pain I'm causing, you can't seem to be able to ever get a break.
I think by now life is just trying to see how much you can take.

Taking on me.
Till I'm gone fully.
Eat me like the quarter of a whole apple pie.
With whipped cream and everything till the day that I die.
Just for a day, for one more night and morning.
Cause I'll still always be longing.
As long as my body is still breathing I want yours against it.
Even if it's just an evening till the reality must hit.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong too.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
And life's just never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Be in love again like you said it: we're at our best in that bubble.
Even if it's just for one day.
One more day, ok?

Let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery.
And probably make things worse a lot.
With all that struggling that my head brings from the relationship we've got.
My brain and your brain.
Build to let our heart frequency go down too far, down through the drain.

Not that it can completely do that or ever fully will.
It just makes us both feeling exhausted, pretty bad and really ill.
But we're always taking steps, step by step, learning.
Keeping balance, trying and giving just about everything.

We're like yin and yang.
But there's a shotgun on our heads: bang bang!
Take it, suffer, fight intensely, fall down, there's nothing that you can do.
So let me show you where I used to go to.
The fight's insane.
I want to make it ok and release you from your brain.

You know you are strong, I am too.
I needed shelter back then so that's where I'm taking you to.
About 8 years ago.
Now you know.

Please heal, we both still have a journey left ahead.
But also done so much work before that it left us feeling (brain)dead.
My body can't turn this around.
But it's time for you to find back that strength and use it again to burn that pain down to the ground.
When the sun will rise, you must do too some day like a phoenix from a flame.

Like I had to in many ways but you should stay there cause you earned it in this horror story game.
Nobody had to suffer like you which makes you that more special.
Like out of all the shining sun rays you're the brightest of them all!
Little sister, let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery but I can take you here finally.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Trying to make sense of things while fighting in this dazzling darkness.
Let me go back to how it used to be.
A time where I felt like I was albe to be myself as a piece of universal love.
And to love you.
Or else I don't know why I can't leave this world.

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

Hold me like you understand.
Or else just let me leave.
I might as well move on forever, find love beyond here.
And be there for the ones that I care about.
Finding truth, finding myself, being a piece of universal love.

Without hurting eyes and a hurting mind.
Singing my way through the tunnels and the worlds beyond this place that's hurting.
How would I know to be ready when I don't know what it feels like?

Can't I just love you again and pretend it's all alright?
No, because it's not and it will never be.
So let me go!

I can't be who I want to be in here.
Feeling too much and then nothing.
Hurting, only hurting and suffering.
Numbing overwhelming.

I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.
Just hold my body in the ocean.
I know it's just the ocean, I know it's just me lying.....

It's cold and exhausting.
Always restless, always a mess, my mess, my own.
I'm falling alone.
I'm singing on my own.

Even though I walk outside.
Even when I have a friend.
I love you but I'm swimming, flying and falling here.
All alone every night and day.

Even when you grab my hand.
I'm in this body all alone.
I have nobody else to hold it for me here.
I pretend to fly when I'm outside.
It sounds like I am, the birds sure seem to think I'm one of them.
Together we're screaming.
But I'm still here on the ground.
Curling up so heavily.

The ground may just send a little wave all the way to where you live.
Can you feel it?
If you can't feel me now or understand me, I might as well leave completely.

When people mean well and try to give advise it bothers me.
Sometimes I get angry, you don't know.
You don't get how it feels even though you're hurting too.
Just hold this body, hopefully it will feel right this time.
I still want to love.
Choose love.

Let it calm me.
Just hold on to it.
Love around here feels so blurry.
It doesn't fit inside.
Not inside this heavy broken piece that is me in here.
Cracking every day and night.

Maybe you can just hold me like a gem again.
I could be flickering all over.
All over you.
Spread me out and throw me in the sky.
I won't feel so heavy.

The sand is sparkly, holding my body.
The ocean just pushed me back to the land.
I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.

If I don't cry hysterically, the migraine will come.
A swirl of blocks and bricks of pain is brightly moving through my sight.
So I listen to my heart and body while slightly moving them into another direction.
Just because I don't deserve to cry over somebody that's telling lies.
I had the strength to move through life because you gave me a reason.
Now I move to try to escape the pain.
I'm not moving on, I'm fighting on as always.
But I don't want to do it all by myself no more.
I'm feeling too old for that now and why should I have to?
There's no reason left to do so anymore since the 8 days that I'm waiting.
Waiting for nothing.
Because the truth came out and it's too late to try to make it right.
Cause you are not sorry, it turns out.
So I'm waiting for a reason that turned out to be a lie.

Call me and say you're sorry, please.
But this can never happen again.
So I should not wish for that.
Cause it's not something that will change immediately.
Something in me wishes: maybe.
But that must be an illusion.
I can't just fix your issues like that.
Even if I kept a close eye.

It's your way of living, your way of dealing with the pain.
The pain you don't deserve.
Causing me pain when you deal with it in a toxic way.
Pain I don't deserve.
I already needed a warrior for my horrible fights but you are wounded too.

Sometimes it works, when the music fills me and I can give you all the love I feel.
Or you give your love to me cause for you it comes so easily.
You really are so loving and giving.
Although admitting defeat is not at all an easy thing for you to do.
Even though you're already perfect in every way and in this world you make mistakes.
It's all part of this Matrix, you see?

But you don't want to see, especially when you bring yourself into a toxic form of serenity.
Listen to that music and feel the loving touch, you may want to try it instead.
Maybe I am just too much with everything else going on.
That is where it hurts the most, that you don't dare to give yourself completely.
Because I can't give myself to life.

I always go so deep or high, never just on the ground, the ground can't hold my heaviness inside.
That heavy feeling or a bursting, never leaving, always exploding.
It's hard when it keeps pushing, when you keep pushing.
I should be running.

But there's no direction in the end as long as I'm here in this world.
I want to fly, dive into the ground, take you with me and turn everything around.
Upside down and rolling over, maybe visit and old place again.
See how everything has changed now so we have something to smile about.

Some things don't change or don't change for the better.
I am more tired than ever now.
But still a warrior although very much in pain all the time.
Just trying to make it to see what's coming.

But what if there's no reason to be a warrior anymore?
You just start wandering without any purpose.
You've done the travelling, you've seen and heard all about most things in life.
You're just walking around the finish line hoping for a way to cross or to fall into a rabbit hole.

Anything that takes you out that's quick and fast.
Oh please let me see a way like that some day soon.
I'll be going gladly and not with so much misery.
Cause some things don't change and leaving this world voluntarily without help is the worst.
To me.
But I either need to live a life or not.
Cause it's no way of being or to be loved when you're wandering and waiting to leave everything.
And be free of this world forever so all of these horrible things will be over.

I used to lie down in the fields with the hills late at night.
I know here on earth you have to work for what you need, you have to fight....

Looking up to the sky I asked for knowledge about life.
Let me please find out the reason why I have to be here being tortured, why I have to be alive!

I spread my arms and felt the raindrops on my face and my whole body.
Then I went to the tree in the centre, curled up around it asking for a friend to understand me.

Later I did receive the answers from the years and beautiful people that came by.
So now I should be thankful to receive everything I asked for but I still feel I like I could die.

I also learned to claim my power, everybody is allowed to.
It's a power to get what we wish for, we have a right to, me and you.

Let's claim our power!
It's always been our power.
Our!

I’m a sea in the wind and you are my ray of sunlight.
I can be on my own.
Free and wild.
But I don’t feel the warmth of a loving light that I can reflect.

I choose to feel you when I can.
Even when it’s causing lightning.
Or when your rays are painfully sharp to my eyes.
Then I’ll still keep on trying to find a way to let my waves run wild with your light shining through.

Just like you always seem to find me through the clouds.
You wait for me and then come out again. Without you I am a cold wild sea.
With you I’m reflecting sunrays.

And the colours are sparkling in the wind. Sometimes painfully blinding.
But always warm and always more interesting, more beautiful, more meaningful, intensely shining.
Like it’s not when you’re not around.
So let me reflect your light even though I’m salty, wild and heavy.
I let you be in your full glory still.

We will find a way to make it happen.
Even though it stings, it hits so hard, it hurts like waves of despair.
I want your light in my water, through my dark blue waves.

From the white foam with its colours all the way down to the sand.
There will be beauty and nasty monsters in the  deepest parts of my ocean.
You won’t always be able to fully see them and they can’t catch you too well.

They will be there still but that doesn’t keep me from reaching out to you there in the sky. Cause the feeling that you give me makes me come to life sometimes.
Be my shining light.
Even when there’s only rainstorms and we are far apart.
Even when I’m so wild for a while, I’ll still try to be there with you. To reflect your loving light and let the colours sparkle.

The foamy colours come through and it’s all because of the beauty of your light and my wild reflecting waves that go so deep.
Deeper than anybody could ever see.
And you are so high, so warm and bright, not everybody can reach you.
You are a ray of light above the sea.

Not everybody can reach you but your beauty is clear to see by many.
So keep shining even when I’m dying and the sand is drying.
Nothing stays the same forever.
Like the waves of a wild sea like me and the colours of your light.

While I’m with you I suddenly remember
there was a time where I didn’t want to die.
Now I can’t even remember why.
Tonight an old clock suddenly chimes.
After having been switched off long ago.
It chimes for a while, later just 3 times.
The other clock in front of it starts waking up also.

12 times, 12 chimes.
Then silence without any answers.
About why they did that like non of it matters.
And I’m holding you in my arms as we are dancing.
To the chiming.
In your house with your clocks that should’ve been switched off.
You and I dancing through the pain, the agony of life and the serenity of love.

Some of your special people moved on, some still hang around.
As we dance they can all come join us when they hear their perfect sound.
The flames burn high, move from left to right.
You play Leonard Cohen, his voice is soothing in the night.

I go to bed at 12:03 AM
It’s all just silent like I am.
Finally I’m not waking and you are also slowly heading off to dreamland.
In the morning I still watch you sleep with your bald head on your strong hand.
I love you so.
I silently go.

We’ll meet later for our next mission.
And we do it without tension.
Because we can and we understand.
Everything that happens here and what happens in a far away land.
So far from the layers around this world there is a place for you and me.
I figured that out eventually.
Together with you I remembered why.
Most people never want to die.

There was a time where non of us understood how anybody would.
Just move on, move up, high and far.
To find out who we really are.
I’d love to go and I’d love to know.
Why an old clock suddenly chimes after been switched off long ago.

I cannot live with somebody else.
I cannot even live with myself.

Tomorrow a new part of my life starts.
And I don't know when it will end.
I'm just gonna do what I have to do.
And everything else can *******.

I keep adjusting things.
Some moments I feel like I'm really living.
Improving things and learning also feels necessary.
But it keeps going on and on.

There will never be a moment where everything is finished.
Only one thing is certain, everybody dies.
I keep on finishing things.
As long as I have to live this life.

Only when I'm possitive it's time to leave for real I can let go completely.
Then the music will play and it will take a while but I can get through this state.
A state of letting go and going through the layers.
Above this world, above all different places where one can believe to go or be.

Or the curve of going back to earth.
I'll break that forever for me as well.
Although a friend once told me: everything can be reborn.
I wouldn't want to, not in here.

I will not sign a contract, I will not believe a story if it doesn't feel completely right.
Freedom is the key and so is me, I am the key to my own freedom.
I get to decide.
And the time you and I have spent will never be in vain.

We'll meet again as well.
If we both want to we will.
Like we are together now because we want to.
Like I want to finish things and you want to prove that you can do anything.

But let me tell you a secret: You CAN do anything!
You already have and you will.
Always living in or outside the norm.
Maybe you are too good at living.

I am not good at living but I'm too good at surviving.
Always feeling like hell.
Trying to adjust.
And in the meantime I'm finishing things.

And inbetween all these things there is love between us.
Everlasting like we say.
Because it's true.
We will meet again and again and again...... Always

Life is a constant flood of change.
And I'm going down so deep.
I have never been afraid to get lost.
Cause I've been lost  ever since I got thrown out into this black sea.
There is no comfort and no warmth in the depths of my being.
I'm not at ease ever, just surviving, sometimes even diving into the sand of the bottom.
Just to try not to feel that I'm inside this deep dark mess full of distress with no way out.
No end in sight, just waiting for when the time is right.
But as long as there is time, time is never on my side cause I can't manage any of it.
And it will always be nighttime and never be the right time when I'm trying to escape the water.
Leaving everyone down under when I'm trying to cross over letting my body drift away.

Life is a constant flood of change.
All of our homes will be destroyed and our skin, flesh and bones broken and rotten.
Things can be forgotten eventually but also torture for a while or for a lifetime.
A lifetime that is long when it's not changing in the right ways but the dark ways.
Where the nights are never save and the days will not behave when you have to do something and always fight alone.
It's so dark and I just have to give in to that it's happening.
Trying to sing but actually it's scary even though I'm not really afraid.

Life is a constant flood of change.
It's just all scary when you're alone walking.
Who cares, not me but I'd just really like to see the end somewhere in all of this.
And that I can get my friends to safety when it's their time to move on with me.
Let's take a long awaited journey across the layers that are covering our true identity.
Our spiritual potential and let's claim it again for once and for all.
Let's get out of this place where we have no power over.
Shoot up high and aim for the stars beyond the layers of this prison that we shouldn't have to stay in.
I believe in me and us and so now we only need to trust it will be done.
I want to make this final change for me to get out of this flood of change.
Will you come with me?

I'm just really looking forward to it.
But I'm still so young.
And the gravity is pulling so ******* my body.
I could almost dive into the tiles I'm running on.
Running through the heavy feeling, running towards the place where I belong.
I'm looking forward to it so much!
Running towards it like running home after having been in labour.
Feeling sick and tired, doing one hard task after another.
Running towards my family.
But my family is still down here too.
One day I'll be there to pick you up when you're running up to this place.
If you fall along the way I'll lift you to embrace you.
Forever cause we made it.
We've already fought these battles down here.
So many from left to right.
But together we'll be home one day.
I'm just really looking forward to it!

I can’t sleep because I’m uncomfortable and wake up from everything. I’m uncomfortable because I can’t sleep and get overwhelmed by many things. My body feels on fire but also very tired. Like there’s a dark thick substance running through it hurting from left to right.

Everybody that I see during the day has been through a night.
How light or how dark is your day and how was the night, are you alright?

The sun burns on my face and I keep going.
Up and down, so far up and so very deep deep deep down low.
But both feel equaly wrong!

I can’t give up on giving up.
I can’t give up fully either.
Forcing my body into every different direction to see how it feels.

How it works, how it doesn’t work.
How it never ever works over (here and  over) there.
But hay, I’m still here!

And how’s your day?
How did you go through the night?
Do you quite like it around here?

Or are you sick and tired or literally ill?
And then still trying hard to hang on.
How far are you willing to go, how long?

Another spring is in the air.
It came so unexpected for me.
Don’t know if I’m ready, don’t feel like it.

But it’s coming anyway.
Everybody, it’s coming after the winter.
Like the day after the night.

The people that I see during the day have all been through another night.
Or maybe some are still in it?
The day will come again anyway some day.

I'm so tired.
Tired of this world.
Staying stuck in this position.

And I know you've tried everything.
Many times had everything and everybody against you.
Still standing strong, working it out on your own.

I faced my battles with piercing eyes as well.
Although they turned dull and darker, life energy taken away.
My soul is strong still as you can see.

I'll dance for you and my fingertips will reach out.
Your naked body and mine moving.
While looking into each other's tired eyes.

I remember when I felt it first.
Around eight years old.
First the doctors took it seriously.
But then they found nothing, so it was nothing.
It changed anyway.

Now it burns somewhere behind my eyes but I still couldn't tell exactly where.
I just feel like staring.
But that is not very comfy either after a while.
Oh well when I'm floating around with this music I can even sing along.
Hard to breathe but who needs breathing when you can be singing.
Feels like flying in a beautiful swirl.

The problem is that I'm not alone, or that I'm all alone might be the problem actually.
But when I'm not the only one who gets affected, then I can't say I got nothing left to lose.
But nobody's winning in this world anyway.
I just hope that the people I care about can feel a swirl of love and not hurt too much.

Why are we hurting from intensely burning and am I still just over here running?
In a swirl.
Go with me so we won't have to die alone or go on but stay in a swirl going round and round.
I know where to get that pill if that'll be your will.
Some of us are kept down but maybe they'd be too strong when they rise.

We'll always find our way to the next day.
Even with our eyes in a swirl.
My sister is locked up in a curl but she's stronger that the world so the world has swallowed her into a deep shadow land.
Where only one heart was burried which she found and so dug it up and carried it around.
Trying to bring it to savety.

But it's there for her only cause the doctors cannot save her.
I can only promise that this too shall pass.
And I will fight so that another life may not be one of ony longing for a way out of this swirl.
A spinning wheel will turn this all around.
And I will send it to the earth from some other galaxy or holy sound.

Don't wait for a doctor, swirling girl.
It's all that I can say, behind your eyes are swirling cries every day cause you can't run away.
But don't wait, just close your eyes if all you can do now is be.
Being is enough, even though it hurts, you still can love.
And I love you but all I can do is stare.
From a distance in a swirl, it may be bigger than this world.
So are you.

After this week I am somebody else again.
The end of another week of nights of torture, days of agony.....
I'm moving into my final shell from where I'm able to see.
Through a red window I follow the path.

My energy is low cause I wasn't allowed any sleep.
I'm falling so deep into a sleep that I'm woken up out of straight away.
Electrical shocks before that day where I can enter my final shell.
And then it's going to be another massive aching.
A battle of breaking that I have to be taking.

You know I'm bursting everyday and night but all my spirit guides let me be here and fight.
I do receive gifts that I should be happy for, I am but it's always just enough.
Just enough to give it all.
And maybe at some point it's just been ENOUGH!
But I don't even know if the place I'm longing for is that peaceful at all.
It might just be another and much greater type of war.
A cosmic war of energy to end this for once and for all.

But I will be joining the team and I've learned from everything I've felt so deeply and all the sorrow I've seen.
I just need to find the will to take this pill after I've entered my final shell around here.
I should not have any fear of letting go cause it's been enough.
Enough intense suffering, torturing, pain and sorrow.

It's time for love, peace and maybe it will take a huge fight.
I'll see when I arrive.
As long as I'm ready it will not be as scary.
But it is still incredibly scary to let go of just everything you've known since you've been thrown into this world.
This horrific state and place to be in for what seems like 1000 years of imprisonment and torment.

I'm joining this team of freedom warriors and we'll declare that it's our time.
No longer should we be having to go through things that are keeping us down low.
Taking our energy and spirit for life away and burry us in a heavy dark substance where we just need to follow the rules.

The rules are going to be ignored, we're gonna listen to what's good for US from now and rise above all of this horror.
Fly with me to the place where love is real and you can feel it without being down there in thick mud on the floor crying.
Let us scream, no more, NO MORE, NOOO MOOORREEE!!!!

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

His voice, his eyes, the way he seems to use his sexuality to calmly sing with charm.
His wisdom that I wonder sometimes if he himself even knew exactly what it meant.
He mentioned that a lot of times: he'd go there more often if he knew where the good songs came from.
He gives me answers to my questions or calms me while I'm anxious from the hell I was placed in.
4 years after 1988.
I would have fallen in love and hugged him if he hadn't died before I was able to appreciate his holy words.
His deep yet soft sounding voice, the melodies, the beat in my ears as I'm walking down the street.
Or when I run to the trees.
And the man I love who looks a bit like you Leonard Cohen, he can also relate to you but not always very well to how I feel.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and you were already grey.
When I watch you now I'm falling in love.

So at least I have your voice to run into.
Maybe some time I'll hear it clearly next to me.
But I won't follow any voice that sounds like you, I'd just listen to what I feel.
I know that now.
You helped me through.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Leonard Cohen with your twinkling eyes, knowing about the chains, the pain the intense aching and the lies.
Years already, long before these times.
If you can die then so can I.
If you can die then I'm sure so can I.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Years go by, they seem so long and feel so wrong.
Nothing's ever working like you've stated yourself as well.
Many years of aching always living with this burden and the constant battles coming.
Coming and coming.
Hell till the world seems darker.
And then there's your voice and your words to express some parts of what is playing out around me here.
Inside me now, deep and real.
Pain of trying to **** off these things that are happening that are torturing.

It was 1988.
I wasn't even born and he was already grey.
When I watch him now I'm falling in love.

Leonard Cohen, do you listen to me too?
Or have you moved on now?
How would I know where to find you, there could be anything doing a good job at pretending to give me answers.
So I hope you found your way.
Your true place.
Your true way.

While I'm still taking you with me right here on mine.
I'm still taking you with me along the way.
As I'm locked up in the night and in my walking through the day.
My cold body and lonely feeling soul with the wrong energy from nothing ever helping me to exist in my own way.
But anyway, nevermind, thanks a lot and see you around.
Feel you around, Leonard Cohen, you've been great, you've done a lot, done your part.
Hope to find you somewhere at some place but I'm still taking you with me as I'm going, always.

Watching you now and it was 1988.
I wasn't even born and you were already grey.
When I watch you now I'm falling in love.

Hold me through the sleepless nights.
Don't let me die alone.
I know it's probably too much to ask.
So was my life.
Too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.
I'm not alone in this kind of suffering.
And it's been never my intension to make it any worse.
Even though my suffering affects you and you go through yours and mine with me.
I can thank you forever and promise to do anything to make it better.
Not in this lifetime I'm sure.
Know that I loved you more and more each moment that we got to make this life have meaning.
Or just escaped the suffering or shared it.
And you let me escape from not sleeping, not living.
You made me feel alive.
Like only music can do too.
This was my life.
Don't let me die alone.
But it's probably too much to ask.
Music is the only friend I have left.
When something is just simply too much to ask from a single person.
Only music is strong enough to carry me.
Stronger than me but still always fighting with me.
I lost that energy to keep on fighting now especially when the days and nights are lonely.
But some things are just too much to ask from a single person, a single life.
Let me die, let me allow myself to die.
Even when it has to be alone.
Alone with my music.
And let me not be alone when I made it to the place that I'd call home.
Let me rest before the battle.
Let me regain my strength.
And then **** off all that is just too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.

24 hours.
It either feels good or bad.
So you're either running or sleeping.
24 hours to find out where this battle will end.
And if it will begin again soon.....

Allow me to take a very welcome long break.
I need space to be here for me.
And I'm declaring myself to be free from your pulling.
As long as you are unwilling to respect me, my truest feelings, my boundaries.
They run deep inside of me.

But I've found back myself and inner strength.
A save place and space for them where I can walk to.
Walking away.....
After 24 hours.
The battle ended with me taking my own path.
With a waterfall of tears and a free soul coming through.

24 hours and it's been decided.
It doesn't feel very nice to take the road all on my own once more.
But if it's what I need in the moment, I know there's only one way.
To go.

When I open my eyes I see a world I don’t like.        
I want red eyes.
And purple short hair.
Swirls on my cheeks and round glasses.
Too many options.
Always keeping me alive.
But the world inside is the world where I hide.    
The world where the music is creating a whole new space.
And I can be the creature that I want to be.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

Or maybe you'll just go back to another one of all those mortal places.
Well I'd say, I won't follow the light.
I've seen these tunnels many times.
Many different types.

I liked to enter them a lot but I won't go to the end again.
Maybe next time I'll try to resist temptation, not even get in.
Cause you've got to finish what you start like every end has to begin.
So even though I like the sight of a tunnel in the night I'll just leave and go inside myself.

And who will be the guard this time?
Will the feeling be like the vision?
I don't like this world, don't take me back.
Can I trust you when I lookat you?
I'll feel it on the inside.

People are mortal.
This world is changing constantly.
It seems so far away but some day we won't move with our bodies.
Going out is different.

I don’t want to go on.
I’m broken.
There’s nothing left to suffer for.
I used to suffer through saying: I don’t want to go (on).
I hear the voices from the other side of the finish line.
Singing about how the goal is almost reached.                                                         ­       
Why staying in disappointments?
You can get closer to the voices and leave the brokeness behind.
Leave the broken mind.
Leave the mind that can’t give you what your heart deserves.
Leave it all behind, nobody’ll ever save you or they only make it worse.
I want to cry all day, I’m stuck.
Only lying like a vegetable.
Cause now I’m really stuck after trying to be able for too long.
Too many forces working against it so I’m lying here waiting.
Maybe at some point I’ll find a way towards a moment in the day where I can be.
And get it together even though I’m breaking and aching feeling heavy.
Heavy.
Pain.
Bursting.
Brain.
And body.
Nobody can save me.
They make it worse sometimes when I try to make it work.
Because I wanted to make it work, so nice to be together playing and listening.
Nothing ever works though and I’m broken.
I don’t want to go on, no reason left for suffering.
Burning.
Pain.
Heavy.
I hear the voices at the goal singing.
But please be there when I’ll be running cause I’ll have to run to it alone.

Blackness and white bones.
Weird shapes and water.

Strong scents in the bathroom.
And the pressure of having a lover.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Eating fruit while on the go.
Naked rough bodies.

Holding hands, shaving heads.
Pineapple stuck between teeth.

Being a loner.
Being a lover.

Not trying to cover.
The marks, the shadows.

Dancing to the deep voices.
With your eyes closed.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Travelling alone without ever settling.
Never forgetting or always forgetting.

I had a lover.
I had to be a loner.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

I am travelling inside with you.
Travelling in peace on my own.

Pressure of being inside with you.
Inside a place on my own feeling so alone.

Travelling around blackness and white bones.
Swimming through weird shapes and water.

Strong feelings in a closed off room.
The pressure of being together.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.
Look it in the eye.
You are the shining light and colours that are blowing.

Your movements are the feeling and the feelings are the movents.
It's you embracing you.
And the universe is everywhere.
Even in this place of terror.
So are your soul sisters and brothers.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

You are medicating yourself with toxicity.
Because there's no place for you to live around here.
So you have to be a portal, let the truth come through.
That's how the trash gets out.
Or at least is not around for a while.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

What used to make you happy?
Dancing to that song, feeling like it was still possible to have the energy.
To enjoy being alive.
Inspired by a person or a movie.

Now there are soothing voices of good artists that have passed away.
They made their final albums even after they had died.
But most of them embraced life enough to want to delay that day.

And you are trapped in a loop listening to all they had to share.
And you are still growing untill you join the team of people that feel close to you already.
Some won't dance with you.

Some just speak through the sounds they used to make.
The energy still runs deep.
So deep that when you inhale it, you get shiffers all over.
Sometimes you beg them to make it stop.

But it's a loop.
Turn around and see how much you've grown.
Last year you were young, even in your face and movements.
You danced and sang two whole perfect days after a week in hospital.

Some family and friends watching.
Some watched you dance and sing.
Some only got to watch you in that uncomfortable hospital bed.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
The noise will not stop by itself because you give everything.
Things will change and turn and twist you.
Listen inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.

And love.
Love you, love them, feel them as they love you.
Or don't love you, used to love you, still remember, good or bad.

Turn it around for yourself.
Within yourself.
You don't have control over everything.
Sometimes it's overwhelming.

But you deserve to give yourself the opportunity to feel better than life lets you feel.
Escape through yourself, feel it inside.

Move slowly.
Turn quickly.
Move slowly.
Turn quickly.....

To all the teachers in the world, which is everybody:
Teachers are never done learning either just because they became a teacher.
Let me draw you a being that represents how I’m feeling.
I want it to be over.
I want to rest.
So so bad.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

Nothing actually works.
But I got those written words that I must share.
And where?
Where around the universe will my energy be spread?
When it is finally over.
Around here.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

I will not forget the horrors of this world that nobody deserves to ever experience ever again.
I shall do whatever it takes to end it somehow.
A meaningful war of energy caused by too much pain for one human life.
It cannot ever happen to anyone ever again.
It must not!

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

To life: break me, I’m ready.
Now break me completely.
I've learned to see things from many angles.
But I never found the desired one.
I want to be with the pleiadians.

Oh the pink, the purple, the white, the blue.
And you.
We are a team, me and you.

This beautiful cover of a song from Cocteau Twins takes me away.
Lets me know it's ok.
There will be another place and face.
Wherever I shall go.

Oh the pink.....
Oh the purple.....
Oh the white.....
Oh the blue.....
And you.....
We are a team.....
Me and you.....