This isn't a poem

But one huge ******* for not being there when I need you, but crawl to me when you're at your lowest.

Stupid. Foolish. Idiotic.
Only a few words to describe how I feel
When I open up my feelings to you
Because of course know you won't care
Even when you ******* say that you do
You just make me more mad
I don't like who I am when you are invlolved anymore
This just makes things worse

And although you'll never know these things
I hope one day you'll stumble upon this and maybe even for a **** MILISECOND think that this could be about you.  

I know I don't deserve this
But what the hell do I deserve at this point really.
This is so stupid. I should be focused on better things.

Who knew just how much
How much one can take
How much one can hide
It's amazing

But sadly
It's true.
The whistle will howl once the kettle has had too much
And it will be the loudest
Most crude
Most unnerving
Rush of emotion
That will run through that beautiful ceramic teacup.

To what dismay does such teacup deserve
To be filled with the scathing liquid that was too much even for the kettle?
How could the kettle burn the dainty fragile item?
But the teacup did not burn
Did not shatter
Did not even crack.
The little item that seemed so obsolete next to the big strong kettle
Knew no limits to what it could take, so it took.

Who would have known
That the things we held so true
Were the things keeping us apart
From the air
From the sun
From the flowers that bloom
And who is to say that the flowers were truly beautiful?
For none of us have nearly felt the wind between our finger tips
No absolution.
Just trapped in the cave and staring at the blank wall we've always known to be truth
It's awful
It's sad
It's life

If this is life
Then I don't want to know the rest.
The need to be free kicks in my soul
Screaming for me to move my legs
To act out
To dance like a fool
To do something.
And I think that is the most beautiful unsettling emotion that one can ever ignite in their bones

The will to live.

And so drag me
Drag me out of the cave that has held me captive for too long
Make me cry
Make me hurt
Make me scream past the capacity of my lungs
For then I will learn that I can withstand all
That I am strong than so
Because this cannot be
The cruel end for me.

Here we go baby
One last time
This will be it
You will break free from this
Allow yourself to be sad about this one last time
Then it'll be over
Six feet under the ground
The thoughts you thought you could never leave behind
So bring on the tears
Because this will be the last time you'll cry about the feelings that were given but never returned
The pain you felt when you feel
The bruise that took so long to heal
That cut is going to close
Your eyes are going to dry
Your days are going to be brighter


You're ready for this.

Letting go was never easy

Yet there was never really much space
For a different outcome
This was the end of a chapter
And despite the fact
That my heart knew it was over
That did not refrain it from breaking

Losing a first love
That will never easy.
Saying goodbye to something you were not ready to say goodbye to
Will always be imprinted on the back of my mind.
And although it has been months since
I lay here and feel like the band aid is being ripped once again
Just like that night I knew it was time to turn in the gloves
To let go of what was always a constant
To realize that I needed to grow, and holding on was not going to allow me
And that hurt like hell
It still hurts like hell

So most will say
What a petty thing to feel so much for
But none of those words matter
I was in love
And seeing others be in love
Truly makes me happy
But signals a pang of jealousy
Jealousy of never being in that kind of love any longer

Of course, I can love again
But how can I
When I know just how much it takes
The time
The effort
The tears
The sacrifice
I gave all those things
And look where it got me
Yet here I am
Looking to love again
Even if I cannot.

So if love arrives in your life
I want you to take care of it
Hold onto it like today will be the last day
The last day you'll feel the grass
The last day you'll fell the intensity
Because tomorrow
You might just have to say
" I cannot do this any longer"

Of course.
The minute you think
Things are finally working
Falling into place
A snap of ******* emerge from the dark
And echoes the sound to which
Is a constant reminder
That no,
It's not okay.

— how are people so insensitive to the things others ensure they walk on eggshells over?

I wonder who
Who I am
Who I should be
Who I can be
Maybe I should just be.
But that doesn't seem to work all the time
It can even be bad at times
But that's who I am.

I think about ideas
Of how you are
Of how things got to be like this
They say people change
But did you change?
Or was it just the way you saw me
Did you realize you could do without me?
You should have told me then.

I told you.
I told you to tell me when you wanted out
I told you everything I ever could
But I guess at one point, you did too.
I guess you stopped caring a long time ago
I know you know when people want to listen
I know when you don't care anymore
It's all different, what else can I say?

Was it because you got tired of my ****?
Was it because I got too complicated that it was easier to just drop me like a hot issue?
Because that's sure as hell how I feel.

I'm tired.
Tired of worrying about you
When I know I'm actually the last thing on your mind.
I knew, and I still did everything to make sure you were ok.

I cried.
God,I cried.
I cried in fear of your problems
The demons you couldn't run from
The ideas of you couldn't erase
The way you got when a bad thing happened

I cried endless nights
Because I've never cared for someone this much
And that wasn't fair
Because you've probably never cried
Because you probably had my petty issues in one ear and out the other.
Because you're okay not having me around and it still bothers me like anything.

Sure.
Sure I seem okay
Sure I may say that I'm great
But am I really?
When did you become one of them?
One of the people I hid my emotions from?
Maybe it was when you stopped listening
Maybe it was when you realized things were more important.
Just maybe.

Here I am once again
Drowning in the words my heart over flows with
What a pity it is to think
That despite the closure
Despite the normalacy
Despite the feeling of getting a grip on everything
I still have an inkling of hope
That you are writing about me

But I know it isn't true
And I know it's just a wish
But what I do not know is why
Why do I still wish
Why do I still hope?

Will this feeling ever go away?