I've basked on the beach with Beethoven
n boogied to his craazzy style,
I taught Tarantino to tango,
we sat down, chewed the fat for awhile,

I've tap danced in Bojangles shoes
sung with Leadbelly blues,
never liked Picasso though;
the ****** drank all 'o mi *****,

I Bossanova'd my way down to san José
jus to hear what Hendrix could play;,, ,
I found Einstein to be relatively kind
but Dylan really blew my mind,
Dylan really blew my mind,
Now Dylan- he ****** with my mind.

Alan nettleton.

In the
gathering of
silence - in the
mustering of the dark;
in every comforting shadow
hollow beats a heart,

Hollow
beats a heart
in every comforting
shadow, in the mustering
of the dark,  in the gathering
of silence - hollow beats a heart.

Pixie dust sprung from Jimi's eyes
   as he rolled in microdot dreams,
            purple phased out blades of grass
            waved - then heaven screamed ,
                                    We watched smart pebbles line the beach
                          marching to a psychedelic Sousa band
                        we know must be playing somewhere,--
          discarded notes strewn in the sand.
               The pea stones kept amazing time
          clicking piezoelectric sound
                   counting out the midnight sun
                  as darkness shone around.
                                So who has seen the sun at midnight?
               shining darkly, shadow rays,
         playing hooky with the pixies
as the rest just stood n gazed,
                            The thief he stole our conscience our ego
                                and our self, left us singin Dylan songs
                         whose lyrics were his wealth!
                                       The joker saw the sun go down,
                                   a shimmering silhouette, whilst
                        the thief atop his watchtowe
lit a final cigarette.
                  He has seen the sun at midnight
       shining darkly,, shadow rays,
         dancing  through the dark
                                delights of a ruptured world sunset.

B Z; AN

Eminent professors everywhere,
even those bound to the chair,
all agree whid liddle ol' me-
we'll all be ****** eventually,

We're gonna die - we're gonna fry
pucker up n kiss yer **** g'bye.
it's difficult to comprehend
jus' when this **** is gonna end,

In a ball o' fire we're in the mire-
jeeezzus man we'll all expire !
it may be quick o'er in flick;
clock is ticking tick tock tick,

Or it maybe slow the way ya go
- jus' 'nuf time for one more blow,
either ways it's fair to say
we're gonna end up - - consommé.

I'm goin sideways when I perish;
want to end up, in a rock pool
in the sand.
I'll have a shiny shell,
that I can cherish,
with two claws, fer my chores;
not a hand.
sharing my abode with thirteen rag worm;
who'll confirm,
that it's sunny,
by the sea,
we can wish **** the fish a happy birthday,
n the weather,
we can also,
guarantee,
yes I’m goin sideways when I perish,
to cherish, my rock pool by the sea,
to squirm with the worm n embellish
another lifetime - as liddle lobster me.

Alan nettleton.

I  hurple t'ward the
Wabbit Warren of pomposity -
a Reynard of levity -
lost

Desire
is a plump
fickle comely
*****; Want is but
a breakfast in bed; Need
is a dump a *** and a trump
and a **** with a bodkin and thread

Wish I was Meccanoman with
replaceable bolt on bits;
a pop off detachable arseole;
n grease ******* on my ****,
yeah; wish I was Meccanoman
with a gearbox for a brain
n a cabriolet flip top hair do
-- as protection from the rain,
my feet could be two dustbin lids
held on by wire n rope;
maybe double up as landing skids;
- but no good on a *****.
the blood - of course;
synthetic oil;
with that I'd never get sick,
pumped 'round by the bestest
- induction coil,
powering my foot long
- hydraulic ****.

Yeah; wish I was Meccanoman.

Mi fatha

Mi fatha wer a miner,
a big owd man wer ee,
wi  an eart so bold it wer solid gold
en that wer plain te see,
al si thee yung un he wud sey
as off te pit eed trot,
mi mam ed never know if eed be
cumin bak or not.

**** denaby pit e wud gu
a dank en dusky hole,
twer not much gud fer a man like im
ee wer’nt a ****** mole!,

bak brekin werk wer hewin coyel
en freekinin dark en all,
en colliers werst neetmare
wer wen th roof ed fall,
trapt **** pits n’ha way tu dee
en that ah’m tellin thee,
tis gud advice tu stop up top
ah’l tell thee that fer free,

ah’l allus remember copper  
e cem a knocking
mi mam she fear’d werst
wen ah’la sudden
a flooda tears did berst,

n’ha th pit ed got mi fatha
ee wer’nt cumin om at all
twer th coliers werst neetmare
th roof.. ed ad.. a fall.

Alan nettleton.

translation for non yorkie's

My father was a miner
a great big man was he,
with a heart so bold
it was solid gold
and that was plain to see,
I’ll see you young one he would say
as off to the pit he’d trot,
my mother never knew
if he was coming back or not,
down denaby pit he would go
a dank and dusky hole,
it wasn’t much good for a man like him
he wasn’t a ****** mole,
back breaking work was hewing coal
and frightening dark and all,
the colliers worst nightmare
was when the roof would fall,
trapped down the pit is no way to die
and that I’m telling thee,
it’s good advice to stop up top
I’ll tell you that for free,
I’ll always remember the policeman
came a knocking,
my mother she feared the worst ,
when all of a sudden
a flood of tears did burst,
now the pit had got my father
he wasn’t coming home at all,
it was the colliers worst nightmare
the roof it had .....a fall.

Alan nettleton

Could've been a cowboy but,
my **** didn't suit a horse.
could've been an astronaut but
I wandered off- off course.
could;ve been a fireman but,
my hose was waayy too short.
yeah,
I could've been a bank robber but,
****,
I would've got my cute **** caught.

My gwanny.

She has wrinkles
crinkles folds n *****,
eccentricities widening gaps.
has lapses, collapses,
memory prolapses,
grows mould n is old
n sometimes--  she slaps us
my gwanny..

And so begins the relentless trudge t'wards oblivion,
dodging metaphorical dog turds along the way,
poking the odd eye, kicking cans, shrugging shoulders
and the obligatory scratching of a dying ****…'till, death.

Sphincter factor nine approaches
food for the fish n roaches
methinks its time for me perhaps
to open up the rearward *****.


------------------------------------
AAChoo !!

Oh, liddle sister, Josephine,
you sure don't keep your
nose real clean.
got stalactites
o' pure pea green
my infectious sibling
snot machine.
----------------------------------------
I thought that I might shoot the breeze
with God or Mephistopheles
and ask them please to ease my wheeze
of my bad back and dodgy knees
---------------------------
Croak with the raven
bluff with the crow
the urchin
the field mouse
beneath the hedgerow
in a flurry they scurry
away away go.
Yelp with the *****
howl with the hound
and bay at the moon
till the sun comes around.
------------------------------------------
Gino's bar and grill.

Away, away afore Bacchus
doles out befuddlement
and Morpheus has his way,
lest I awake to find myself
in the company of
sodamistic bedfellows
with buggery in mind.
---------------------------------
Harry Potter has grown a beard
he lives alone and turned out weird.
Dumbledore, Albus, no more
turned his toes and 'ad a snore,
Voldemort, who's *** is taut
has no nose with which to snort.
====================

Ahem !!

Behind two Lilies- sits Rose,
then Daisies
for two and a bit rows.
with Poppy, and *****
Petunia, Primrose.
and Bryony - who gets up
- my nose.
----------------------------------------------
Amen.
God bless the Cows - for beef burgers.
God bless the Pig - for their bacon.
God bless the wife n her sharp knife
for the slice of their **** she's taken.

-------------------------------------------------
We can, no more fetter the sea to the shore
nor the clouds to the sky
or tether the glint
in a lovers eye,
As sure as the shore loves the sea
so shall I love thee, together,
together for eternity,

-----------------------------------

It bends for thee
sweet chevin,
the cane thats cleaved
by three,
wilt thou now
sweet chevin
yield, my friend ,
for me.
-------------------------------------------------
There's Marmalade then Marmite
and Jams thats jammed between
the buttered bread of bard-dom
a poets sweet cuisine.
---------------------------------------------
I took up campanology
and fired up my ****.
I rang that bell
to ******* hell
till the busies
came along.
--------------------------------------------
so, I've been whittling away
at a buoyant ****-
fashioned something approximating
a poo canoe-
in it, I intend to
surf the **** tsunami of old age
to-- death;
I have named it Public - Service - Pension.


----------------------------------------------

A surreptitious delightful tryst,
with my honey, my sebaceous cyst.
she's my pimple, my wart,
my gumboil consort.
she's the zip, in which
my *******, got caught.
--------------------------------------
Frayed at the bottoms
ripped at the knee.
baggy and saggy
big enough for three.
faded and jaded
and stained with ***
but I'm due for a new pair--
Yippeeeee!!

---------------------------------------

Ther­e's Cockerel in my ear
and he bills and coo's for you
whenever you are near
goes - **** a doodle doo !!!!!,,,,,,,,

---------------------------------------------

Oh,­ for the snap shut skin
in the blue twang of youth
and to un-crack the spine
on the book of love.
now the gulping years
have flown away
we take sips of the night
and are spoon fed the day.

-----------------------------

Zeus made the Moose to be somewhat obtuse,
a big deer- rather queer- I fear.
then God gave him the nod to look funny and odd
the spitting image of you - my dear !!!

---------------------------------------

Knobbly Nobby.

Nobby has a great big nose
a great big nose has he,
and nobby knows
that his big nose,
is big, as big can be,
nobby has two knobbly knees
two knobbly knees has he,
his knobbly knees,
are as knobely
as knobbly knees can be,
don’t pity dear old nobby
for soon it’s plain to see,
that nobby has a great big ****
as big, as big as three !
now nobbys **** is knobly,
as knobly as a **** can be,
so nose and knee and ****
make three,
and we - are ****- ely.

----------------------------------

The Woman that wouldn't eat meat,
had reeaally, reeaally big feet,
her **** was as big as an hermaphrodite brig
and her **** were as hard as concrete….


--------------------------------

Hearken the clarion call of the crows
afore the snow-
they caw,
hey, get your **** into gear lads-
we gotta feckin go !!!

-----------------------------

Gods pad

I took a peek within
your house
wherein on pew, I spied
a mouse,
and in his hand,
a Bible clasped,
and out his mouth,
a parable rasped,

---------------------

I'd say she had
a pigeon loft in
her eyes and
bluebells up
her nose.

But then again
I wear a flat cap

and stroll through meadows.

----------------------------

Would you care to buy our house?
It's minus Mouse n devoid o' Louse,!
Spiders, Roaches, Bugs or other,
have all been eaten by my brother,
snaffled up n swallowed down
then jus' crapped out a - yellowish brown.
so would you care to buy our house?
from an oddly pair -- devoid of nous

-------------------------

Though the Crows got her eyes
and the Worms got her gut.
comes as no surprise
death can't keep her mouth shut.

-------------------

Bevelled slick edges
and reeaal eeaasy slopes.
Chilli dip wedges
with fresh artichokes.
Wanton loose wenches
and swivel hipped ******
Daft dawgs and dentures
and granddad - who snores.

-------------------

Been whittling away at a buoyant ****
and fashioned something approximating a canoe,
in it, I intend to surf the **** tsunami of old age;
I named it, "Public service pension"

-------------------------------

.
Well,
     I could wax on the wings of a butterfly
but, I ain't that kind o' guy.
rather kick the nuts off ******* squirrels
pluck the wings off - blue assed fly.
I'm the stuff that flops off dog chops
when he's up for it and high.
an infection in your sphincter,
a well
that's jus' run dry.

----------------------------------------------

befeathered­ and bright scarlet
is my ladies bonnet,
jauntily askew and -
lilting on a paramours
grin.

"- Gladlaughffi -"

I'm reliably informed that dear ol' Muma
sported a goatee around his **** sphincter,
now, whilst this is merely educated speculation
from my esteemed friend his "groom of the stool" ! 
who was in fact required to wear a mask,
ear muffs and a blindfold whilst he went about his business,
He did possess reeaaally sensitive fingertips
somewhat akin to a blind man reading brail,,
and, swore blind that said "**** sphincter' spoke him in Arabic
and asked him for a quick trim, (short back and sides)
I myself being a practising proctologist of some repute
am inclined to believe my friend the "groom of the stool"
as I've come recognise -- Arsolian when I hear it !!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------

In a Belfast sink by the plughole
where hair and gum gunk meet
'erman the germ-man  and toe jam
bop the bacillus beat.

________

Doctor this I know as fact
that I have a blocked digestive tract,
I'm all bunged up and cannot go
my trump and pump is - somewhat slow.
I need unction jollop for junction wallop
some sorta lotion to give me motion.
If you could please just ease my wheeze
then I needn't grunt and push and squeeze.

-----------------------------

They are breaking out the thwacking sticks
and sparking Godly clogs
pulling tongues through narrowed lips
at the infidel yankee dogs.

------------------------------------

As a paid up member of the
lumpen bourgeoisie poetry appreciation society
I can confirm without fear of contradiction
that poetry is indeed baggy underwear
with ample ball room, voluminous in the extreme
and takes into account
the need for the free flow of flatulent gassiness
that is the want of a ****** up poet.

-----------------------------------------------

She's a rough hewn Trapezoidal gal
a gongoozler o' the ol' canal.
She's copper bottomed n fly boat Sal.

I'll have thee know that
that there hat
is a magic hat,
it renders me invisible
to the arty intelligentsia
and roots me firmly
in the lumpen proletariat .
-------------------------------------------------------
Said the sneaky Scotsman, Jim Blaik.
if the pension, you wish to partake,
bend over my son, lets get this thing done
and cop for this thick trouser snake !!

I met my uncle Albert,
down at Asda, in aisle three;
he got there in a Mazda,
jus' a smidgen after me,
said he'd traversed Sainsburys,
Tesco Liddle n the Spar,
but not one o' them flogged Caviar
Truffles or Foie gras.


He sidled past the pork pies
streaky bacon turkey thighs
a headin for the french fries
n forsaken knock down buys,
shimmied 'round the ankle biters;
expectant mums to be,
popin pills for bloated ills
in the haberdashery.

Fandango'd o'er the cornflakes
and the spillage in isle four

-----------------

I'm linier and analogue,
a ribbon microphone man
mired in the dust of the monochromatic,
the basement, the attic.

------------------------------

Simple simon met miss Tymon going to the fair,
said simple simon to miss Tymon - "pfhwarr what a luverly pair"
of silken thighs and big brown eyes and scrumptious wobbly bits,
Said simple Simon to miss Tymon---------- shame about you **** !!!

So sad sweet Shirl thought she'd give a whirl to clubbercise n pound

Squat, slightly,
tilt head 45°
and squint.
See the shimmering blurry
dot in the distance?
That, timorous ****,
is ME !
Fast twitching my
narrow white ****
to the pub.

There was a young lady named Sue.
whose ***** and **** was askew,
whilst taking a ****
she'd aim it and miss
and she lifted 'er hat when she blew.


Oh Mon Dieu !!

Obi.

Ode to David Cameron.

This day upon a gibbet stage;
there will Thoth be hung,
alas no more to turn a page
o' Einstein Freud; or Jung.

to dance the jig 'pon corbled rig
to swing there; decomposing,
where bibliophiles and sacred files
lament the libraries; you are a closing.

Bless all the barmaids that have ever lived
who carried featherlite, n knobbly ribbed,
who listened to waffle n crap I spoke
who granted liddle me, a slap n poke,
who parted ***** whilst in drunken stooper
n gave the bird, to the party pooper,
the big ones, the small ones, the fat n thin
god bless slappers, that invited me in,
bejeezus begorra, mag da horra,
bless all barmaids, I'll **** on the morra,
******* big ***, n the ones that pass gas,
god bless the ones that I’ve yet to harass,
for whisky, for beer, god bless ya m’dear,
even big sally; fer the gonorrhea.

Alan nettleton.

A tummy rub, a foot tickle
a cake twice cooked and tea,
with lunch the finest whisky
and bed time rumpumpee..

I quite like plastic sandals;
**** shaped candles;
and big assed women in my bed,
I like artistic folks n artichokes;
n piccalilli on rye bread,
I like big gay men n Tony Benn:
loud mouthed scousers and Steven Fry,
I like The small faces whisky chasers;
n come home Lassie - makes me cry

I'd say she had
a pigeon loft in
her eyes and
bluebells up
her nose;

But then again
I wear a flat cap,

- and stroll through meadows.

I hurple t'ward the Wabbit Warren
of pomposity;
a reynard of levity,
lost.

lollop,,,,,,,, that's a good word innit?

R,I,P.

Here lies the body
o' poet Anon.
broke wind once
and then was gone.

so, think on this
afore you depart,
life is but one--
unencumbered ****.

RIP,,, Obadiah.

here lies the body of Obadiah grey
choked on a bowl of soup they say
bought from Tesco’s last tuesday
fifty nine pence beef consommé,

Obadiah Obadiah Obadiah grey,
sure don’t smell a sweet bouquet,

here lies the body of Obadiah grey,
departed life yesterday,
ate too much of the free buffet
silly **** now has to pay,

Obadiah Obadiah Obadiah grey,
already started to decay................YAY!!!

We bunged up his holes
n buried him deep;
because the ******'s dead now
and began to seep.

She is:
that canary bird
who sings
the sweetest song
that‘s to be heard,

She is:
in the ever
maddening sound
Of everything
that’s earthly bound

She is;
the eagle,,,
see her soar
lion in the jungle,,,,
hear her roar,
all of these things
she is and more
she's even the tigers --
front left paw,

She lives in so many
differing things
azure blue on
butterfly wings
even the monkey
as he swings;
the pleasure and pain
that love brings,
when you look at her --
--what do you see???

There are kiosks,
where meddling butterflies smile
and paper cut men in sharp suits
give Indian burns
for free;
have you seen the machine

- it gleams.