— why are you so squirmy?
— because when I get hugged and kissed I get super super happy, and I like squirming around

I am alone in the bed and—
no, wait... nope
I’m not
a small wiggling creature is climbing,
hugging, kissing, squirming
— mom? are you awake?
&$!#!*!!
— can you go to the bathroom with me?
— yes baby, let’s go...

why can’t I have you now
I want you
now
right
now

I am laying in my bed
alone
feeling shy and happy
naked and alive
missing your eyes

I’m not much of a betting woman
I infer, or deduce...

nah, don’t buy that *******
I just listen to the voices in my head

or my gut

wherever the most synapses are happening at any particular moment

oftentimes, in a mask, one old guy looks like the next
and I know a lot of old guys
so this past year, I’ve needed to rely quite a bit on
my ninth sense

it’s not fair
there’s so little you have to do
you: walk down the street
me: get separated, rearrange my entire life, pay child support
see? not fair

every hour on the hour
are you ringing a bell?
because my body is responding
like your dutiful test subject

I couldn’t help but look—
but positively stare
I lost control of myself
couldn’t help but slip
back into you
how did you do that
with a simple walk down the street
my brain is still trying to catch up
with the decision my body instantly made

you excited my thoughts
which then swooned about
like drunk fireflies on a warm summer night

what is so fine
as a grape on the vine
or so succulent
a bite on the neck

if tonight you were mine
I would show you, my dear
and blow your composure
to heck

I remember this one look
we had just started spending time together
it was a sunny afternoon in front of City Hall
we were saying goodbye
I hugged him and looked up
he hugged me back and kept his head high
our faces far apart
his eyes gazed down at me
so so so
warily
he was not smiling
there seemed to be so much there
behind that pensive gaze
I wanted it
every last bit
of whatever it was
it’s ok, I tried to say
with my smile
I love you already, I tried to say
I’ll never forget that look

eventually you were just
gone
and, even if you weren’t,
it didn’t matter anymore

that’s how things sometimes go

I’ve experienced so much love and tenderness
in my life
my heart often feels bursting with gratitude
for all the loves
so much so
that I sometimes wonder if I’m not dying
because it feels like the culmination of something

but maybe that’s just the deepening intensity
of life

you were a dark alley under a full moon

do you know what non duality is?
well, I think you should
because it is the future
of science, technology, philosophy
get on board
or be left behind

Christianity is like the Donald Trump of the religious landscape
incomprehensibly dominating everything
with very little logic
and even with good intentions
both comically
and tragically
missing the mark
while causing its maker to turn in his nonexistent grave

Rupert the dancing bear was one cool cat
course he was also a sexist ****
but even the most sensitive guys often were in the 90’s
which were like the 70’s but with Nirvana
still, I’d call him a good egg
and I think he campaigned for Bernie a few years back
so, there’s something to be said for that

I am an island
a beautiful, glorious fantasy island
you don’t even know

scams of the heart are most egregious
and while I don’t like to think the worst of you
alternative explanations seem absurdly naive
though, I am a descendant of European colonizers
and we are a notoriously jaded bunch

I dig me some funk
I can dance the finish off the floor with that ****
the groove grabs my torso
and it all gets loose
a lifetime of conscious living
really shows through
diet, flexibility, strength, fasting
gymnastics, diving, running
boxes full of ribbons, medals, trophies
yoga, dance
African, salsa, ballroom, modern, ballet
you want to know me?
you don’t know me

are you worried I don’t take you seriously?
let me be emphatically clear
no, I don’t take you seriously
who even are you?
I’m apparently much more practically minded
than you anticipated

that’s a **** philosophy you have there
wanna discourse?

I met an incarnation of Plato in the Alaska wilderness
she very mischievously gave me
a misbehaving wolf

Siddhartha Gautama can keep his fourfold path
of nothingness
but Lao-Tzu can show me the way
any day

I will stop blaming you
for what happened with him
I never meant anything either way
none of this made any difference
you proved that
forcing a horrible, embarrassing encounter
which was painful and unnecessary
but it is now
only what it always was,
nothing
and I will stop thinking
you cost me
something I was never going to have

every night at this time
someone is tapping
on my mind

I don’t like the way he looks at me sometimes
he looks at me the way I wanted you to

the rabbit hole is deep and has many warrens
one could spend a lifetime exploring
which is what I’m doing
but you will still only experience a tiny fraction
good thing we get so many

and that’s how you do it
you say, no, you are wrong
I am not this person

unless you enjoy playing games with them,
being the object of their misplaced infatuation
stringing them along for years
which, whatever man,
to each his own
but you know,
that’s weak

do you want to know something
I find outrageously funny
while culturally very different
Christians and Muslims are historically and philosophically
neighbors
like
you couldn’t get much closer
to the exact same belief system
so get along people
get over the colors of yourselves
you’re not so long lost siblings

my wave
made you possible
you’re welcome

I don’t believe in god
do you?
though I can go on all day about Siva,
even Vishnu or Brahma
if I had to practice any religion
it would be Kasmir Saivism
Abhinavagupta ascended way better than Jesus
and he took all his followers with him, great guy

Krishnas are my absolute favorite devotees
I could chant Hare Hare all day long
and the food is phenomenal
though my money is on Kali to kick your *** if needed

the Sufis are the most beautiful and poetic
I can whirl as ecstatically as any dervish and
Rumi, the quintessential lover, was my inspiration
25 years ago, long before he was cool
I can prove it, I have out of print editions

African Orishas are mysterious and fascinating
I did my final thesis on Umbanda
(in 1997, were you even born?)
a syncretic blend of spirit possession and spiritualism
a lovely shade of brown practiced primarily in Brazil
created culturally by African slaves mixed with European colonizers
with the indigenous  just trying keep their heads above the Catholicism

and, of course, we all have to respect
the Native American wisdom,
Wolf has always been my friend
in every sweat, she was with me

I should pay further respects
across the centuries I have been Egyptian,
Celtic, Greek
a keeper of arcane knowledge
for a small collection of mystic peoples

but in this time
my religion is science fiction
physics, neuroscience
my prophets are Tesla,
Philip K ****, David Bohm

while I give Teresa of Avila, Francis of Assisi and even
Thomas Aquinas
my deepest regards
there’s nothing bores me more
in my insatiable quest for truth and
insight into the human condition
than your tedious Christian god

see? I’m better
in the past this would have freaked me out
I would’ve thought it was you
again
everywhere
but I know now
it’s just other psychos
with their disturbed convictions
there’s plenty to go around

do you expect me to love you
without a touch?
I don’t even buy shoes online

I blame you
for everything you didn’t do
if you had made just one move
I would have followed through

my steps have to be even
when I’m waiting, I count
don’t put the ketchup where the salsa goes
or throw any leftovers out

unless the counter is clean
I can’t focus, or cook
and my socks must match my underwear
even though you’ll never look

I have a few quirks
not many, you’d never see
but I get mind bogglingly worse
in a tough bout of anxiety

I’m wearing a pink shirt,
maroon striped socks,
and your patience
but I’m happy to take it all off

she’s so dumb
I don’t know why she bothers me so much
doesn’t even know
it’s not one “piece”
for crying out loud
you even called them notes
thank you, by the way
for the note(s)
still, she’s so dumb

I saw a guy go by on his motorcycle
with his ******* the back
and I thought—
no, I felt—
I felt sad

my son caught a Froakie
hallelujah
I can stop taking him to every water body in a five mile radius
(for a while)
but now I have to battle the evolved frog warrior
and I can tell you
I’m done for
when he gets to Greninja

you press me firmly against the wall
you are angry
your face says
you squeeze tightly my arms
my father used to hold me this way
about the throat
it caused fear
and rage
why now does it cause
unbearable desire

my mother was an actress
a musician
a director
a dramatic histrionic childish personality
but she made a very nice cameo appearance in my life

I don’t know if you love me
or want
very intentionally
to destroy me
this is very messed up
but I am committed to surviving you
either way

sometimes I try to do a thing
but I can’t
then I realize
I shouldn’t have to do that thing anyway

it appears there has been a miscommunication
my apologies
it is a lovely day here in New England
I hope you have a good evening

I want
to care
but the question is unfair
from one has never
touched my hair
or left his lair
or returned, in person
my loving stare

she called me Casey
very cute
I think I made a new identity

you now have a Cat
she lives Deep Underground
maybe you can find her

you are always one step ahead of me
as I chase you across the night