two is too many
even for one
who is too much

I thought you were going to slay some dragons
...when?
when were you going to do that?
I saved some for you
like you asked

sometimes people want you to be angry
they feel a kind of acknowledgment
or empowerment
if you happen to not get angry
it can be a great offense
a sign of your apathy
rather than an expression of your own mechanism
for coping with pain

I’ve been on both sides of this equation
so I know
anger can be a gift
if you know how to give it

my thoughts are so convoluted
I can’t even make most of them public anymore
they are a knot of illogical forms
like a suburban American neighborhood
coming to no conclusion
having no insight into the human condition
or universal truths
I wish I had Stonehenge thoughts
or Egyptian pyramid thoughts
even English garden thoughts
but no, my thoughts are cul de sacs,
interconnected parking lots,
irrigated lawns
my thoughts are 2 inch caliper pin oaks
in 16 square feet of backfill
and they need a vacation

feeling spectacularly alienated
and being spectacularly different
are not the same thing

you need a certain amount of magical thinking
to penetrate the reality of the world
but just enough
to inform the development of your technology
and empirical studies
and no more

this is a challenge
which is why there is such a fine line
between nutcase
and genius

when we choose the apples
instead of the oranges
do the oranges shout—
it’s your loss!!
no, because oranges can’t talk
but also
we didn’t want the oranges!
it’s true we may get less vitamin C
but perhaps
what we really needed
was fiber

I hope you find someone new
and your new efforts are not in vain
I hope it works out for you
and you cause your new person
less pain

the continuity of skin
and breath
the appearance of mental health
these are the basics needed
to get through a tough spot

my phone keeps suggesting I go places
I don’t want to go
no phone, I say
we’re not doing that anymore
delete delete delete
why don’t you find a nice **** site

all that time I thought I was in love
I felt weightless
unbound by Newtonian theorems
limitless, I had tapped into the physics of
immortal love
that’s how it seems now
as I gaze into the night sky
back in the chains of gravity

every morning I feel unprepared for the day
like I left something undone in a dream
someone needs me back there
I want to go back
the blankets and pillows protect me
I am warm and floating and safe
but I have to get up eventually
go through the motions of the day
and wait until night comes
so I can live the real life

if you try to speak to me
I will run and hide in the dense thickets
peeking out curiously
as you call

the wolf edges along the unstable *****
slipping
which way did alpha go?
she howls

I am the queen
with a hungry guillotine
come closer

I’m only halfway back
it’s ok, it’s a meaningful journey
and I’m feeling optimistic

in my dream tonight
you will have no face
you will be a wraith
hovering over me in the dark
then a mist
guiding me through thick black forest
then a sentiment
resting against my face in the sun
and I will sleep well

the cat is blind
the mouse is getting worried
and fat

even emptiness has a character
emptiness can represent some of my most vivid states
I do not know, truly, what nothing could possibly be
not very zen of me

I can’t even write the story of you
I keep trying
it gets longer and longer and more convoluted
I realized it’s more of a saga
but I don’t know how to make things interesting
when they go on for so long
and! there’s still more to go
it’s not over yet
not for me

I bet it will start more smoothly
once I know how it really ends

I never understand when people say
they have nothing to write about
just ask yourself
what do I feel?
just look inside yourself
what is there
right now?

I just looked
and saw an old fashioned trap door bookshelf
with a stairway to a warmly lit basement
interesting!
what’s down there?
let’s look...
...

oh, I’m very sorry
it’s secret
that must be why it’s in the basement

but! you never know what you’ll find
when you peek inside
there’s always something there to write about

I was so scared last night
my heart was thundering
the house was shuddering
desperately clenching the earth
violent wind stressing every weakness
the absence of rain ever more sinister

between the resonating terrors
I thought I would crack into pieces
become some weird horrible art
destroyed in a symbolic macabre way

this morning, it continues
I’m a little mouse, shivering

I got an impact massager
for my legs
which are always super tight after my workouts
it is AMAZING
like a massage and physical therapy all in one
and it kind of has a mind of its own
jumping all over the place
at least that’s what I tell myself
when it ends up
as it usually does
   there
I mean—
those muscles are super tight too

I want to give my dangerous innocence
to your eyes
twist your desire
to my darkness
turn you into my favorite monster
and let you off your leash

I’m not sure who wrote that last poem
but she seemed nice

it’s very slippery
with the moon
so slippery

but I’m trying to reassure you
its ok

I’m laughing,
I know it doesn’t feel like it
but I’m laughing
with you

I’ve lost them
the rest of the thoughts
I wanted to give you this moment
they’re gone
but they were wonderful
I assure you
they were...
but I’ve got more
for the rest of your life
I promise—
I’ve got more

once you’ve been cut down
I’m not sure it’s true
you’ll come back bigger
and stronger
I’m not sure
wiser, maybe
(more cynical?)
but stronger?
I don’t know

you’ll persist
this is all I know
so far
you’ll persist

most people who know me don’t realize
I can be gentle...
so gentle

I think you’re amazing
even though I don’t know you yet
it occurred to me today
   and I was highly amused
   I’ll just be honest
that maybe you’re waiting for him to leave
so there’ll be no one to protect me
when you come

I know
I watch too much tv

you’ve had enough of me
that much is clear
I turned the spigot on full blast
you said, drown me
so I did

I think he heard me
when I said I didn’t want him
never would again
I think he listened

I think he understood
when I said I still didn’t want him to go
didn’t want to be alone
I think it helped

he’s been looking at houses so long
there aren’t any
apartments too
none of those either

so I’m approving 18 new apartment buildings across the city
maybe that will help
free up the market a bit
maybe that will help

I see you in black and white
the smoke is writhing around my body
silks draping from me
my hair is long and soft
my skin is naked and pale
you are looking at me
with too many faces
your eyes hold too many meanings
I’m intoxicated, incapacitated
by your meanings
yet I know you distill
into one simple clear truth
and I know this truth of you

hello Friday, Saturday, and Sunday
let’s just try to get along

I want to tug your head back by the hair
touch you, slowly, everywhere
kiss your lovely patient face
find every sensitive ticklish place
fill you with anticipation and joy
become your favorite vice and toy
I want to live inside your gentle arms
surprise you daily with sneaky charms
be your love, your passion, your girl
dance innocently with you forever
our hearts will sway and shake and twirl

She needs to be Punished
doesn’t She?
doesn’t She need to be taught A Lesson?
hasn’t She been
Very Bad?

I’m afraid it’s too late
was this always your fate?
I tossed you so much bait
yet you couldn’t approach the gate
to ask me on a date
how could I ever be your mate?
if all you do is wait
make me feel third rate
leave me in this state...

still, dear, there was never any—

once I’ve said all there is to say
regurgitated everything he ever said to me
     his words float to the surface of my thoughts still
     hurting, confusing, misleading
     promising words, about the future
     disconcerting words, that hint “not you”
once I’ve purged my mind of him
and all his words
it will be better, I think
then all I have to do
is stay away
for the rest of my life
so I never hear any more of his words
it will just be me
and my cynical thoughts
and some other man’s clothes in my closet

I have a feeling dating in my 40s
is going to be like buying new earrings
I’ll have to remember not to get too attached

what if this is all there is
in life
in love
what if everything else
is just lies you tell yourself
or lies other people tell you
best stay put

why couldn’t it have been you, he said
but I thought it was

if you can’t be with the one you love
take care of the one you’re with

I had hope
I was really excited about it
I held onto it for a very long time
but now I have none
and if I’m being honest
this is more my default state

I’m remembering that scene from fight club
Tyler says, I wanted to destroy something beautiful
I feel like that beautiful thing sometimes

you’ve undressed me
with your eyes
tied me up
with your desire
left me to suffer
until you return
to finish what you started

pain is nothing to me
I have no aversion to sacrifice
obsession, a peculiarity
my wants are secondary
action rules the day
and I don’t want to make a mistake
the consequences always feel so ominous
especially in matters of the heart
we are imperfect, absurd creatures
who should not be trusted

so I do nothing
maybe this is like you

there are moments I feel
wildly horrible
unbearably self deprecating
suicidally hopeless

and the next few moments
endlessly amused
fantastically entertained
immortally serene

will I give up?
or transcend?
it’s quite an exhausting ride
this life

it’s ok, you deserve it
we all do