today i wasnt happy i woke up.
in fact, my phone screamed ****** ****** and awoke me.
and so it brought me back to life
to my reality.
it wish it were my dreams that'd haunt me.
not a nightmare but beautiful lie.
M was with me, he kissed me
he was kind.
M was there, by my side, for some time
he was tender and loving
i missed him.
i though i had forgotten about him
i believed he had gone with the smoke
now that i am awake
it's apparent
he cannot go away for too long.
if you ask me what'd happened to trigger
these emotions and visions and pain
just a casual, unthoughtful question
by a curious, immature friend.
now i feel very disoriented
im uncertain about where to go
all directions've messed up on my map and
i keep stumbling on ******-white snow.

they say, it's normal to be lost.
they say, it's usual to feel so insecure.
they claim
there's nothing wrong with feeling ill
unsafe.
advise:
stay brave.

they say, it's normal to be doubtful
it's ok to feel like ghost
sometimes in this life you're the guest
and not the host.
they say, keep at it, carry on, see where it goes
like water in the river
at times your life streams, flows
at times you reach the waterfall
all plummets dead.
it breaks on rocks, it burns in flames
the fires red.
keep your head up
and keep your faith stronger than ever
all bad will pass
darkness is no more than a fever

Quiet quiet in my head it's quiet
Riot riot my heart wants a riot.
More and more I
Long for wars than peace and
Bigger greater
Grows my love for fears then
Quiet quiet
Before storm it's silent
Riot riot
Im awaiting my end
Larger brighter
Fire's flames are rising
Thinking dreaming
Over-analysing.

I dont believe in ghosts
I dont believe in torture
My faith lies deep inside
Inside the light I nurture.

In shadows I hide well
Am quiet, am no shameful
Am brave, rarely regretful
In shadows I hide well.

I dont believe in life
But death aint my religion
Inside black holes I find
My safety, self imprisoned.

When I am old and my
Hair is the shade of ashes
And my old look refuses to
Surrender to all washes

My thoughts will fall asleep
And constant noise will quiet
I won't care for the world
I won't care if my nights end.

My cage will stay the same
The walls will still surround me
I won't believe in ghosts
Even not those I can see.

The more I look the more
I notice in reflection
My perfect imperfection
The more I look I see.

The end will be my closure
Ill rest I'll lay my head
Nail down my bed, and change my posture
At death im now adept

Your hands are cold and so thin
Your touch makes me shiver, burn my skin
You walk around like you have it all.

Your stare is bounding I am tied down
Your breath leaves me hanging over the ground
I d drop my all to run when you call.

Those nights when darkness swallows my pride
I'd do whatever to make you mine
I'd close my eyes and surrender love
I'd grin in pain under your weight
I'd sit on the edge I would just wait
To be abused to be your slave
I'd dig my own, my own deep grave

you lose somebody only once
and spend a lifetime trying to restore
but once they're gone, forever lost they are
but wounds will heal,
and soul will hurt no more.

my love
will you be mine forever
will you be my untreatable and everlasting
fever.

Will you throw me off balance
leave demented
will you please would me deeply
scar me gently.

leave marks on my arms
on my wrists
my thighs, my neck.
carve crosses, broken ties
on heart and legs.

disfigured leave me
will you?
shall you try
suppressed, forgiven
wasted
humble, shy.