I don't get what you see
Maybe I'll never understand.
But you don't get it either.
When I look in the mirror
It isn't me
There is no me.
You see strength,
I see nothing.
I'm dying inside,
You believe the mask I wear.
You think you know me
But how could you?
When I don't even know myself.

I've noticed something
Over the past few years.
No matter how hard you close your eyes
It doesn't stop the tears.

I don't owe you.
Not a **** thing.
But still you're in my mind.
Surfacing from anything.
I hear your voice.
It burns deep into my chest.
But you no longer speak to me.
And I know it's for the best.
You did this.
It wasn't me.
You ******* it up.
Now why do I feel guilty?

Words
Repeated one after one
Burning deep
Stinging to the core
After years and years of pretending they didn't exist
Now they've found their way into my mind
Yelling
Clawing
Screaming
Echoing
Back and forth in my head
Maybe she was right after all
Maybe I am just a **** up
Nothing
Worth nothing
Doing nothing but damage
To all those around me
They're worth more than that
I am not.
'You deserve it' they say
'You'll never change' they say
It's never ending
Until the end.
Never changing
Until it does.
I need out
I need peace
But when the problem is myself
there's nowhere safe to retreat

I move my hands across the skin of my wrist
It's soft, smooth; clear.
But it never used to be.
Over time, physical scars heal
Occasionally leaving behind some sort of mark.
A reminder of what was.
What used to be.
But there's nothing now.
It's as clean as it was,
Before the struggles,
Before the fight.
While the physical scars have faded,
The emotional ones never will.
Never given the chance to mend
So they won't.
As they burn deep,
It's a sad moment:
Reminders of life
Reminders of strength
Of relief
Now nonexistent.

A promise is nothing.
It means nothing,
anymore.
Only spoken words,
no emotion.
Like your fingers are crossed behind your back and you could care less.
You can lie so easily now.
To your friends, to my face.
Does sincerity mean anything to you?
With your fake sympathy
And broken stories
As if you could understand me.
You can't.
You won't.
I promise you that.
Or does that make it a challenge?

The roar of the wheels upon solid concrete.
Suppressed by the music blaring in my ears.
Vibrations running through the wood and to my feet.
This feeling is unreal.

There's no time for thinking.
The music muting all thoughts.
Eyes staring, quickly blinking
Into the night, on the road ahead.

No destination in mind
Nowhere specific to go
Never looking behind
Only moving forward, deeper into the dark.

For a moment it is quiet
An intersection and a choice
Within my mind, a slowly building riot.
As I debate between left and right.

I give up on the decision.
Now only feeling my way
My heart leads my fate
And I continue out into the night.

It's quiet as the world beyond my window moves forward.
Leaving me behind, frozen in my state of mind.
The clouds are passing over, crawling across the sky.
I'm watching slowly, waiting to see what i can find.
Tall trees, branches scratching upon the glass
Yet still silence succums the open space that surrounds me.
My lack of strength overrides the will to move.
Joining the world is but a dream, fading by the minute.
Empty thoughts and a damaged heart
Leave me exhausted, far exceeding my limits.

You stepped up when I was alone,
Lost in the dark from following a fool.
You gave me a new light to follow.
Made me stronger.
I gave you my heart, i trusted it in your hands.
So you took it and broke it yourself once again.

Just when I felt lost, trying to forget her, you were there to guide me.
When I thought I'd never get that feeling again, you gave it to me.
You reignited a spark in a broken heart. Made me feel whole again.
It took three years since you knew of the way I felt, I began to doubt the possibility of anything ever coming from it.
Yet I am glad it waited until now, the time we needed it most; our last chance.
We were finally honest with one other.
Not with our words but with our actions.
They expressed what I'd been dying to say for a long time.
What I could never muster the courage to speak.
What I hoped deep inside you wished to tell me as well.
You are a best friend, a sister, and a longtime crush.
And you found a way to fix me. Far more than you can imagine.
With a kiss.
With a touch.
Two scarred hearts are now at peace.

The vocals scream into my ears, you'd think my thoughts would bend in rage.
Instead a sudden peace crosses over, engulfing me wholly in a blanket of relief.
The lyrics take me to a place of calm. No chaos in the world I now reside.
It's as though everything reaches a halt. All feelings are vaporized.
The music slowly pulls them away with the wind. And I'm left with relief.
Then the music quiets, the song is now ending. And the feelings return to a solid form
They fall back into my head, crushing everything in their path.
Until the beat starts again,
And the process begins once more.

I can't seem to find the words to describe the way I feel
When I see you there
As if I don't even exist anymore.
You won't say a word to me, wont even give a sideways glance in my direction.
Our worlds no longer merge
Everything has changed.
I see you and I can't help but wonder if you revisit the memories that flash through my head every day.
It's out of my control.
I no longer exist
There is nothing now.
I am nothing now.

A moment. That's all it took.
We started with nothing, but created what turned out to be the best time of my life.
We took a walk, no destination in mind.
Ended up in the woods. Walking, talking, laughing. Just loving the lives we were living.

An unknown path, led us to where we are today .
A quiet hill, calmly overlooking the lake.
Waves crashing on the shore.
Wind breezing through the trees.
A moment we sat.

We talked about the summer, for it was the first day.
Ideas turned to plans, plans turned to set dates.
A moment we planned.

We planned what turned out to be the most amazing memories we've made.
Maybe the best we'll ever come to make.
A moment we were alive.

Now we sit, remembering those days.
Enduring the pain of the new Now.
Wishing we were there once more, away from the hell we've come to know as today.
A moment we reminisce.

I hope to never forget those days.
Without you I wouldn't be who I am today.
Without me you claim the same.
A moment we changed.
*But forever we will love.

Judging eyes, pair after pair.
Nothing can compare
And I know it's not fair
But you just need to bare
With me
For a moment
For a minute
I beg you to let me show you what it's like to live
Please, all I ask is for you to give
Let my hand guide you in the night
I swear it'll be alright
Because it's not the end, its a fight
Feel the wind as it bites
Cold against your broken dreams
But what you see is only an illusion
Life is wondrous
Life is great
Let me show you the way
I'll make it okay
And at the end of the day
If you still feel astray
I'll be gone
I'll leave you in your hands
Let you do what you had planned
But first I need a chance.
To show you how to trust
How to love
How to fight
I need the chance
The chance to save your life.

Life is lonely when you learn to deal on your own.
A simple task becomes a challenge and a minute turns into an eternity.
When the world turns its nose, when there isn’t a friend to lean on;
When it becomes impossible to even pick up the phone.
Everything loses its potential in a fog of pain
The concept of trust holds no existence
Life becomes nothing and determination ceases.
Then control is lost over all the emotions contained.

When all alone, true emotions become exposed;
the memories are no longer hiding within.

The pain and sorrow that are so often closed,
are brought to the surface usually concealed by the skin.

Smiles turn down with descending tears,
empty thoughts flow through your mind.

Goals and content have begun to disappear,
replaced with heartache so blind.

In time the light will amply return
and you can once again make it easily through your days.

Each heartbreak brings a new lesson to learn;
new emotions, new feelings, will start to make way.

So in a moment of weakness,
where it feels as though your heart is broken

Divulge your uniqueness;
to new opportunities your eyes will be open.

Recovery is a long and painful process.
Its a lengthy, twisting, one way road.
It is not fair, life never is.
You need to accept that that is just the way it goes.
Broken hearts, they will never shatter even.
We were so close until the day she said she was leaving.
It was so easy for her to let us go.
She left me here alone and why I still don't know.
She thought I would be broken, as soon as she was gone.
Now it's time for me to prove that she had thought wrong.
Yes I cared about her; she had said she cared about me.
Those were empty words, burdened with all the lies that I now see.
It was far too perfect that I should have known it could never be true.
It hurts even after so much time; my recovery is beyond overdue.
I was blindsided; she always knew exactly the right words to say.
She made my heart race and I had never considered the chance that she would just walk away.
I wish I had known what she had planned to do.
Because she only proved why trusting people is not what I should do.
Now there are no more lies and I’m no longer waiting.
No more time of mine is she taking.
I am so done; I wasted so much of my time.
All on a girl who couldn’t even consider mine.
My heart still stands, as if it was never broken.
It is as strong as her lies, so easily spoken.
But the time I had with her I will never regret.
She taught me a few lessons that I will not soon forget.
The first thing I learned is to not trust someone with your heart,
Because in the end, it will likely end up ripped apart.
Then there’s lesson two, and this comes from a different part;
Do not be with someone if you already know you’re going to break their heart.
I’m done lying to myself and not completely accepting me.
It only took a broken heart and then the recovery.

Unspoken feelings, they cry out in the night.
You hold my heart frozen, so wrong but so right.
My dreams scream for you, my body aches in withdrawal.
Baby you're a drug and I'm in for the haul.
Addicted to the pain, addicted to the feeling.
I'm an addict, a lover, just a human being.
You were never good for me, that's what you would tell.
I said I'd stay standing, but so quickly I fell.
One kiss, one touch, one day at the park.
My love it unravels, but only alone in the dark.
I never had told you, the way I really felt.
As you'd hold me so close, my heart it would melt.
You made me feel safe, for once in my time.
The happiest I've ever been, when I thought you'd be mine.
Yet I was sadly mistaken, just lost in a haze.
I was high off your love, but for you it was solely a phase.

I tell you I'm lost.
You have no idea.
Because to you I'm sitting right here.
You have no idea.
That invisible place.
Where I spend my days.
Sometimes its the only thing that keeps me sane.

Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
Who knew words could burn so deep.
Alone in the night, emotions on the edge.
Do you feel it too? The emptiness where you belong, at my side.
I fear the answer; for I know it well enough.
For you it isn't me, it's her. The one you see, the one you touch.
But I'd do anything to see you smile. It's the reason I say I'm still around.
They ask me who I'm trying to convince, because they see my true desire.
I want you to want me. Except not the way you do.
Because the me that you see isn't who I am.
I'm a lost soul in this crazy world. Denying the desires, just to stay strong.
Because I feel that it's wrong. But only because I know it's unequal.
I say it's okay; biggest lie I could speak.
But admitting my true emotions is weak in my eyes.
Because vulnerability isn't strength; only an open wound awaiting the salt.
She knows it too, or maybe she doesn't.
Either way nothing will change.
So I'll push through it and keep displaying a straight face.
As long as she's happy, my emotions are as they stand. Untouched and unspoken.

The moments when I need you the most,
Are the ones that you never see.
The tears are silent as I tell you I'm alright,
My mind hushes the words that my heart desires to speak.

The sinister silence is my only companion,
No one is there to comfort me.
Alone in the dark, no peace in my empty world,
Salvation is the one I truly seek.

I stand as though I am strong,
The pain carefully hidden behind a mask.
You saw only what I allowed,
Then taken aback when the truth was spoken.

I laid myself open to you,
An unforeseen and immensely challenging task.
You took it for nothing and left me torn,
Now no knowledge remains of my emotions.

To hold on is painful and dangerous,
But to let go means going back on my word.
To stick by my promise, and stick by your side,
Will surely end with my broken heart.

Yet still I stay, I will give you all I have,
Until our hope becomes deterred.
I care enough to let it go,
As my heart is quietly ripped apart.