You hear sadness in my voice
And you ask if I'm okay
You know I'm not okay
Since you pride yourself
With knowing me so well
You ask again if I'm really okay
Waiting. Expecting. Wanting.
To hear the lie come out my mouth
With the specific words 'I'm okay '
You know I'm not
But you still ask

Tell me dear, Do you really care?
Do you really wanna know?
Does it even matter?
About how exactly I feel?
Would you rather I lie?
It doesn't, does it?

Truth is, you don't want to
To know what lies in my heart
To take your time and concern
To deal with my inner issues
To really be my friend
To do the work that is
You say you care
But you really don't

I miss those Fridays
I miss the journeys
The looking forward to seeing you
The continued anticipation as I approach the city
The elation from knowing you would be waiting for me
The look in your eyes when you saw me
The happiness in your voice when you said hi
The warmth of your tight embrace

I miss those Friday night surprises
I miss the suspense of your surprise for the night
The quiet walks in the city
The cool conversations at restaurants high up
Bingeing on shakes and chips
Reminiscing on how we came to be
Looking into our future
Freely talking about our ugly sides
Talking about how we are lucky to love
How incredible it is that we found each other

I miss those cool nights
I miss walking along empty city streets
Talking as we relished the coolness of the night
I miss holding your hand as we walked the streets
The calmness of walking beside you
How safe I felt walking with you

I miss the late nights
Walking to catch the bus past ten
Getting home fast without traffic
Walking home just before midnight
Getting home with tired legs and a full stomach
Tired from walking, stuffed with junk food
Getting lost in the bliss of being together

I looked at her as she spoke
With so much confidence
Laughing and making sarcastic jokes
Unaffected by my presence
Not caring that I was new to her
Not caring that she didn't know my name
****, why was I even caring?
Wasn't I just a stranger among her friends?

I'd seen her as she walked by
On a morning I didn't wanna be up
On a day I didn't have motivation
I barely gave her a glance as she said hi
Then I'd had an urge to look again
But she was gone
I couldn't understand my feeling then
I had never wanted more than a hi before

But I'd wanted more from her
I'd wanted to hear her speak again
I'd wanted to look at her messy hair
Which she'd hidden with her beanie hat
I wanted to really see her
More than behind the camera lens

When I conversed with her
She gave me something I needed
Something I didn't know I needed
She gave me the reason for dragging myself
From my bed and from my misery
To come meet her that day
Without knowing I would leave happy
She gave me a dose of short and sweet
A weekend I wished could last longer

I liked her before I knew her name
I loved her when she challenged me
Harder when she pushed me to love
I knew I was in too deep as she said
"Isn't it the best feeling ever? "
I fell in love as I said goodbye
I gave her my heart silently as she left
Not knowing whether I'd see her again

I saw it when you said nothing
I saw it when you said something
I saw it when you shrugged it off
When you didn't wanna talk about it
When you said you didn't know
You didn't know how you felt
When you said that all that mattered
Was. Us. Now.

I saw it when you couldn't define us
I saw it when you refused to define us
I saw it when you wouldn't define us
When you dodged all questions
Questions to establish my place
My place in your messy life
A life you shrugged off upon

I saw it when you didn't want to accept
I saw it when you refused responsibility
I saw it when you assumed I knew
Assumed I knew what you wanted
Yet you didn't know it yet
You couldn't pin point it exactly
Because you didn't want to

I saw it when you didn't choose me
I saw it when you gave excuses
I saw it when you said you cared
Yet you wouldn't choose me
When you chose to look away
When you were taking steps back
When in actions you were away
Yet in words you said you were here

I had always known
That you would choose me not
But I hang on
Hoping for more
Wanting more
But wasting so much more

Don't you love the feeling
The one that music brings?
The nostalgia of the moments
That the song brings out?
The memory of the feelings
That the rhythm lets you relive?
The recollection of the experiences
That the beats makes you go through?

The pleasure that seeps through you
When you remember the first time you heard it?
When you relive the moments
As you listen to the song?
The vividness of the experience
That the song reminds you of?
When you replay them again
Like a movie in your head?

I told you to stay away
I told you to block me
I told you not to pick my calls
I told you not to call
I told you not to text
Because I knew you wouldn't if I didn't
At least not for a long while

Our friendship then was toxic
It always becomes
When one friend crushes on the other
And the other doesn't feel a thing
Am glad you didn't feel
Am glad you didn't reciprocate
Am glad I had to get over it
Because I couldn't have gotten this tough
And be able to love this truly

It was difficult
But I'm glad it happened
It was a dark tunnel
One that I had to go through
To get an amazing new light
An incredible fresh start
To love right
To be loved as I should be
To be appreciated for loving
Exactly how it should be

As I lie in bed I stare
At the picture on the wall
It's not a picture of you
But it's a You picture

Every time I look at it
I see you
I see your efforts
To make it look like that
I see your thoughts of me
To make it for me
I see your attention to detail
To make it perfect for me
I see the sacrifices
You made to make me happy
I see the love
Pictured all over

I see me in the picture
The way you made it to resonate
With my feelings and emotions
The way you made it to exhibit
What was going in my mind
The way you made it to reveal
My fears and hesitations
The way you made it to unearth
Ideas I didn't know I had
The way you made it to convey
My dreams and fantasies
The way you made me be in view
Of myself
From a perspective I didn't know existed

It's not a picture of me
But it's My picture