You say I dont know how much you hate me
No. You dont get it. Trust me, I know.
You say I dont know how much you love me
No. You dont get it. Trust me, I know.
Even though your hate screams louder than any kiss you could bare for me
I still feel the splatters of love inking through the angry red
Even when your trying to remind me you love me I feel all the hatred hurling itself against your teeth for me
You say I dont know how much, but you have no idea how much of it I feel
You say I dont get it because all you see is me taking it with a blank face
You dont see how my skin boils when you are spitting venom down my throat
And you dont see the pink flushing in my chest when you bare me one of your "I love yous"
And you dont see my hate, how much mine wishes to rise to get yours out my face when it snarls at me
Because all I show you is my love, because thats how ******* strong I am
You have no idea how much it takes to reign in anger
You see your violent red and think it strong
And you see my tender feats and think me weak
Because you never see the grit of my teeth when I push out my sweet "I love you" instead of the "I ******* hate you right now" that dares to rise for the moment
"Why do you stay?" you ask
Because I dont hate you, I hate your hate
Thats how strong I am

It was dark when everything screamed, thrashed, thumped and stopped
Oh, it was so still... on the outside
The moment you spit your hatred into me was the second our face dropped
Our skeletons screamed through the cement in a way you could not hide
"I have never hurt that child" you said
Then why am I so scared of you?
And then you threatened to drag me by the hair on my head
With your hand grasped around the throat of my everything, I did what I had to
I ran from you and I ran from pain toxicity and abuse
Even now something aches in my chest and I dont know why
I feel the blood in my heart pooling to form one large, ugly bruise
It was dark when I felt everything in me cry
But the most ******* up thing about this is that I still love you
And thats even after all that you have done too

Sometimes I go for so long outside the window I forget the mannerisms of a human race, and what its like to be in a home, to be in my skin
Rather than miles outside of myself hearing and living off everybodies small everythings rather than tending to my own everything
Sometimes I really do leave myself and when I get back, only when im back in my veins do I find the meaning in all of you
Because by then I have found the meaning in all of me
When im missing from my tendons nail a sign to me reading my buisness hours
When all I can find is the meaningless in your meaning tape my ears shut and feed me to the tongues of my world
His name, her name, their names should be on speed dial
Sometimes all I hear is from the outside of an everything that brandishes nothing to me and god when this happens shove me back in to the lining of my skin
It tears at me, everything that somehow always manages to leave this ribcage
Everything that leaves to listen comes back bleeding and feeling like something is missing,
Missing from all of you
But there is nothing missing in your words, they just hold nothing for me, I am just missing a part of me.
So strap me to myself and send my gods with their wars from my speed dial to cement me back into my bones with their saliva
***** me in with teeth

I just poured out my heart to you
I just ripped truth and fear from my flesh
I offered you my ******* insecurity
And now im petrified in nothing but these bones, naked
I told you, I told you I was scared
I admitted it, even though everything in me shook at the thought of you knowing
God, my 'what ifs' are showing
Do you know how utterly ashamed I am of these?
These pounding questions, these hounding worries make me weak
Do you have any idea how much blood I spilt begging myself to speak?
I am everything with my clothes off, I am nothing with my mouth open
Opened up to you, all my petals plucked and I am **** out of luck
Because all you can do is stare
"I am terrified of the possibility that you might not care"
I just slit open my tongue and wrung out those  ****** words for you
Please, *******, dont just stare

My rusted joints s c R A P E themselves away, eroding brittle bone that use to be stone
All thats left in this skin, this S k I N is bits of debris that use to be me
All I can feel now is the skin, so painfully aware of how every sensation sinks into these bones
Scrape, skin
****, sin
Im strung up in this flesh with arteries and veins sewn into this thing that is me
This thing that doesnt feel like me but for some reason is
Does this still count as alive when all I feel is this?