What a special kind of hell it is.
To have feelings so
Potent and unwavering.
They swirl you around in a fog
You don't want to be clear from.

To experience everyday
The anxious temptation
Of opening your eyes
Just wide enough
To reveal the barely restrained
Longing.

If the light catches just right,
A heated glimpse
Becomes an unearthed inferno...
But doubtful reciprocation
Keeps you blinking.
This paradox of behavior inside...

To visually roam.
From point to point,
But not touch.
To inhale,
Hovering next to me
But not taste.
It's maddening,
Thrilling.

It's leaking out of my actions
The longer I hold this in.
What's most of all frustrating
Is not knowing,
What you think.
You can't be that unaware.
Is it teasing or unconscious projections?

Regardless,
I catch myself mimicking
And analyzing
And hoping
And
And
And...

Why yes, what a special hell this is.



*© NDHK

I can't let myself keep awake about you.
You have absolutely no idea.
None at all, how I lie here and just
Think
And think.
Remembering you and me in darkness,
Music all around us.
Sometimes flashes of this.
Sometimes long detailed thoughts.
Trying to remember every action,
Every word said.

It all gets twisted around.
Distorted the more my mind pushes for a visceral connection to hold onto.
To relive again those moments between you and I.

I feel vulnerable in my thoughts.
I had a notion that I kept my emotions closed up tight.
No one could decipher my state of mind.
But as I always do,
I feel transparent around you.
And it frustrates me to no end.  

Seeing signs, unwillingly, in everyday things.
Reminders of you in some little way.
Unconscious happenings, until the third time's a charm and I take notice.
Is some higher power trying to tell me something or what?
Is it useless to believe divine intervention could have a hand in my life?
Can't I think God is involved in my insignificant place in the world?
How can happenstance be blamed?

It's seems to me that I know you,
Or what I want to assume you are, given the chance to get that close.
And I can't be your distraction.
The phase that occurred between the running away and the falling back to.
I refuse to accept that role.
To be so rootless to your life.
That's not fair to me.
Not at all.
Especially when I have no idea how I came to be here.
In this complex emotional pond.
I just woke up one day and it was.
And I didn't get to prepare.  
And it's not fair.

Let me have my walls back because now I am stuck.
Thanks to you, I'm stuck somewhere across from a breakdown and beside staircase.
Maybe you're a twin mirror of me though.
You might have just been paying more attention to the details.
Been more effected than I was, faster than I realized perhaps?
Whatever the case is, it's thrown me.
And I lay here every night think, thinking.
Somehow paranoid you can feel me conjuring memories of us.
Maybe wishing you could feel it every time you come into my head.
Like a ringing in your ears.
So then I wouldn't have to be alone in all this turmoil.
Not tragic just inconvenient.

It's as if I have a fantastic vision for a painting but no brushes to stoke with.
I'm baffled.
And I don't know where to go from here.
This limbo, half self imposed.
The saddest thing though,
Is that I kind of relish those thoughts.
Because for now they make me feel not so alone.


*© NDHK

Listen,
If you're not going to say those things  
to me anymore.
If you're going to distance
yourself from me.
If you're going to spend the days pretending you don't think of me.
Then please I beg of you,
For my sake,
Try to stop looking at me the way you do.
Even though
It's the last thing I hope you do.
Mercy me.


*© NDHK

You said I look at you different now,
Something in my eyes...
I don't think I do.
I don't feel strange
Or out of my norm.

I enjoyed you.
The long talks we shared,
The unexpected laughter we found there,
The pull.
The comfortable embraces that overtook us,
Into the middle of the night...

Though...
As days passed on,
And months grew.
I realized what you said was true.
And I had been looking at you.
Not just stopping there but,
I had been feeling too.

That isn't something that I do.
Feel...
Animated...come to life like.
Looking forward and looking new.
Growing out from myself.

But that is exactly what I was doing.
All while looking at you.
While you said I was amazing and inspiring.
You seemed to think as I did.
For those were thing I would describe in you.

So I have to wonder.
For how long has this been stirring in me.
And why do I just recognize it now?
And maybe...
Just maybe,
You have been looking at me too.....



*© NDHK

I wonder,
If this is all just a waste of time or a lesson in progress.
I can't quite decide how I want to interpret this situation yet.
It seems so fragile to me.
To my heart.
No one else but to me, does it matter.
Maybe that's the thing of it...
It's not suppose to matter to anyone else.
Are we all just destined to really travel this life alone?
In a sense.
Because that just breaks me a little to think we are.
Coming from a heart guarded person.
Doubt, vulnerability,
These things scare me.
But not enough to not try, to overcome them.
Standing tall and strong on an independent pedestal is fine.
It really is.
To enjoy life solo and free is a wonderful experience.
But then sometimes...
You want to share the journey with someone.
Laugh with someone, smile with someone.
Hold someone.
It's just not something we can plan for.
We can't map out exactly when and where and who we'll be drawn toward.
We can't expect the unexpected, when we're not expecting anything to begin with.
And isn't that the thing of it.
I never expected.
Dropped into something when I wasn't looking.
Tricked myself right on through a maze of emotion.
And now the plan, the way I was contently leading on
Has been affected by the unexpected.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Or not do.
See...fragile.
The snow globe that was my life has been shaken,
And all around me falls uncertainty of the heart.
I was fine with waiting until it happened naturally.
Not being alone anymore.
Finding someone who just...
Fits.
But I guess what I had been doing was expecting.
Expecting to not expect anything.
And now there's this place.
This situation that I can't really determine.
If it's a waste of time,
Or a blessing in progress.


*© NDHK

You know,
I knew before I walked down this path...that there were risks...
The risk of being let down,
The risk of confusing myself,
The risk of giving more than I'd get back,
The risk of falling so deep and so hard for you, that I'd for sure lose a little bit of common sense...
And even though I believe that the juice could be worth the squeeze...
I understand.
I get it, where you're coming from.
How you feel you need to be true to your decisions.
I've been there.
Compassion toward that isn't something you can learn,
But I'm glad to give it.
If it means it will help you in a way.
I'll give it.
And even though it seems like a wasted effort to most...
I'll still consider the squeeze.
Because you appeared like a hidden spider web on my path,
And sometimes...unforeseen things...are meant to be.


*© NDHK

Creating
that fallacious intimacy
wrapped
arm around arm
with a nameless
body.
It's easy to get
temporary satisfaction
from it.

Even though
you're chilled
and hollow inside.

The want
of not being lonely
can be too strong.
Keeping up
the exhausting task
of costant contact.
Never really
developing
a bond deeper
than physical sedation
can tire out.

It will ash away
as soon as you move
an inch
in that position
which is holding
unstably present.
Distance
would be the ruiner
of that
shallow fantasy.

But...
to be hundreds
of miles and moments
away from someone.
To be
alone and removed
from the one
who you have
a real, unrelenting
connection with.
To know
you are singular
in that very moment
but not unsupported.

Having them
somewhere you're not,
holding onto your
spiritual thread.
To achieve real
intimate foundation
in knowing the body
doesn't have to tie you
together.
That's an ember that,
when set to breathe,
engulfs you both.

Understanding
and feeling comfort
that when surrounded
by faces
and being unknown to them
is alright.
Since
that person
who lingers in your mind
Is a whisper
off your lips
and is there
in that place you
left them.

They've penetrated inside
that fortress of caution
and self-preservation and
they get you.
They are there,
hidden
and carried with you.
With their hands
cradling and cherishing
your heart
like the treasure
it is.

The enormous responsibility.

To be
the keeper of
warmth and familiarity
and home.
Even though
being separated
from one another
you are reminded of what
exists between you.

By
concentrating and honing
in on the weight
which lives
there.
That love
and loyalty
and equal respected commitment
to take care of what
the other is given.
The total
vulnerable
surrender of
yourself.

That is something
worth wanting.
That is something
to daydream for.
That...
is what we all
crave.


*© NDHK

I had this thought when I was younger,
That I had to know who I was and who I wanted to be,
By a certain time in my life.
That, when a stranger asked me to tell them about myself
I should have a designated answer in the form of linguistic description.
Full disclosure of self.
I'd listed in my mind hobbies, character traits, intellectual preferences.
All things that, when put together,
Would produce a vision of who I was as a person.
I was a complete profile from top to bottom.
Inside and through.
Adding to and refining back qualities of what made me as I went along.
Fine tuning the presentation of me to society.

I thought I had it down.
Picked through with a fine tooth comb.
No boring aspect refurbished, no overbearing flaw unchecked.

Then one day
I was in a place that housed people milling around,
Same as any other day.
And as I sat next to a fountain feeding some birds,
Like I was prone to do on the pleasant weathered days.

A little boy came up an sat down next to me.
I didn't think anything of it and just smiled at him.
He lingered beside me for a few minutes.
And I noticed he seemed to be staring at me
With a quizzical look on his sun bright face.
I continued to dole out pieces of my left over lunch
And he giggled just a slight.
Now I was curious to know why this little guy
With anything at all to do other than sit next to me,
Was laughing.

I finally turned toward him intent on asking what was so funny,
When he stated before I could utter a word

"You're the nicest lady I ever saw"

I was initially a little gobsmacked as to the bold declaration.
It made me snort a bit.
Shaking my head, I pondered to him

"What would make you say that?"

He innocently replied with a grin that...

"You feed the birdies and they don't even say thank you. That makes one a really nice lady! "

Well color me stupefied there.
This little boy, in his little statement, awed me.
He didn't know me or who I was or where I've come from
And in just that one action he witnessed of me
Feeding those little flying creatures,
He determined me a nice person.

And it swelled me more intensely than any praise over an achievement,
Any congratulations of a job well done,
Any compliment of artistic ability.

And as he got up to run off to wherever he came from,
I sat there contemplating...

Of all the things I thought of myself up until this point,
Just being myself with no preconceived notion or projection,
I felt more transparent in that little boys observance,
Than anything else in my whole life.
That led me to wonder why in the world I had bothered
To ever worry about and plan around who I wanted people to see me as.
I began thinking all of my preparing and analyzing,
All of the forethought I put into me as a person.
Kind of went out the window.

Because if a complete stranger could see through me so easily,
With just a mindless action like that,
Then what did people really see beyond my presentation,
Of me?
Not that who I projected myself to be was false, just honed
To show the best parts of me always.
But then, what are the best parts of me which other people rarely see?
Maybe the things about myself I thought of as "works in progress"
Were already fully bloomed and beautiful already.
Maybe I was just so conditioned to think they weren't?

So as I laid on my couch later that night
And aimlessly thought of the events of the day,
I made a plan to have no more plans.
To keep my list of everything about me I had written over the years,
But put it somewhere only to serve as a reminder to me.
I'd try, from here on out, to just be me
Freely.

The only regret I had of that encounter though,
Was that I didn't get to tell that little mind changer

Thank you...


*© NDHK

Your smile will be the ending of me...


*© NDHK

You're a song in my head
I hum every night before I sleep.
I want to play you on my acoustic
But I'm missing a chord,
Or a transition.
I need to put words to you,
So I can whisper-sing the lyrics
Under my breath when I daydream.
You resonate around my cerebral walls,
Clear and deep andante when I remember being in your hands.
Sometimes barely encapsulated four-four time
When I think of us drifting around each other.
And your agape eyes are the bridge
Crescendo..
Crescendo.....
Crescendo........


*© NDHK

It's not time yet...
You both still need to heal.
Need to grow a little more,
Get that closure you deserve,
Be selfish for a while longer.

It will happen...
You'll both get there.
Know being alone is alright,
Make awareness of your worth,
Get lost with just yourselves.

Keep your faith...
You guys are doing right.
Entertain your mind indulgently,
Discover passions you never knew,
Meet the you, you are supposed to be.

Just keep eyes wide...
Your paths will cross.
Get rid of negative notions,
Be ready to embrace the wonderful,
Open up enough for a landing.

When you've been patient,
After you are centered,
When it's time,
And you're both ready...

LOVE


© NDHK

Thanks for putting the spoon back
When you were done,
Even though,
You forgot to mention

There's no more sugar left.....


*© NDHK

She sits across from me sipping and slurping her fat free french vanilla.
While I'm pacing myself with cappuccino imitation.

"All I'm saying is, that if he starts calling me baby, I might wanna keep him!"

She says it with that cajoling tone.
But I can notice the glimmer in her eyes that tells me she longs for that.
That sweet pet name that would mean she's special to him, in her mind...

I never could get comfortable around those things...pet names.
Cutesy little endearments reserved for a child's affection.

What is wrong with me?

She's vibrating with unmasked giddiness, glancing at her phone.
They've been dating for only months but she is lost in him.

Him.
With his once a week date nights
and clean shaven face
and joking interaction with her friends.  

She's full of soft embrace and warm affection and vulnerable interest.
Wanting never looked so form fitting on a person.
Like a cup waiting for a refill...

"If you want, I could see if his friend is up for dinner next week? You know it's been months for you..."

I hope she doesn't choke on her millionth slurp with the glare of indignation leveled at her cherub-like face.

"Ah thanks, but no thanks." races out of my mouth before I even hesitate to pretend to consider her obvious proposal.

How is it that easy to just offer companionship like that? Do I give off a "desperate for love" vibe?
And what the hell makes her think I can't find someone on my own **** time?

"Okay, okay. It's just...I hate seeing you alone. Don't you want to not be alone anymore?"

I know she loves me but those kind of questions from her caring heart, make me contemplate knocking her in the head.

My alone-ness she says.
My singular existence.

I'd laugh at her if I didn't know it would hurt her feelings.
To disregard her feeble attempts at pairing me up with whatever half-assed man candy she could sway my way.

I'm staring at the ring left from my coffee,
wondering if I should just give in this one time for her,
for me,
for the over used batteries at home.

"I'm not lonely you know. I just, haven't felt that connection yet."

Looking pitifully back at me she wonders aloud, "You're always waiting on that connection but have you ever felt it before? I mean, how do you know it's even real, that body, mind, spirit...magnet pull you believe so fiercely?"

It's the first time I've given her a genuine smile today as I tell her yes I have felt it before.
Briefly...
Bitter sweetly...

I just never got his last name.

It might have been years ago but I can still recall with clarity that electric tornado that seemed to have surrounded us.

We had only been gifted ten hours together but it left a mark on me for over fourteen years.
His face is definitely matured I imagine and his body shaped differently.
But I'll never mistake those sea green eyes, haloed by dusty blue cloud rings.  

The only boy who has ever made me want to get lost and never be found.

"Well...good luck with that. But until mystery man crashes back into your life, for god's sake live a little huh!"

She means well I'm sure but like an eager pup I just tsk at her goofily plastered expression and finish off the grainy remains of my only afternoon delight. She's in a hurry to make her "honey bunny" a homemade dinner anyway so it's not hard to cut things short on our weekly coffee shop vent session.

She's floating out the door before I even get my coat above my elbows but I can't feel offended.
Mulling over the uncomfortable idea of boring interaction with another stranger I decide to grab one more drink for the ride home.

Alone.

Oh, wonderful...now she's planted that seed.

Shaking it off, I order my vice and move benignly to wait and resolve to not think about anything related to that anymore either.

"Seems outrageous they charge so much for imitation don't you think?"

The question's asked to me but I pretend I can't hear it. A guy hitting on me today is not what I want to deal with.

And he seems to be standing right behind me
making goosebumps scatter across my neck.

He tries again, "So I guess you like buying bottom of the barrel cappuccino?"

This time I've gotten a little itchy from his voice and want him to just stop in his tracks.
So I turn to tell him where, in fact, he can go...

But I'm the one stopped short and a bit flabbergasted.

No way do things happen to me like this.

Those coincidental, lucky, fated things...

I almost wish I was a liar right now with the things I just spilled to my loyally, encouraging friend.
Because there is no way the universe would be this cruel.

Finally I exhale and word *****,

"They're the only place that taste just like the ones at my grandmas' house every summer when I was a girl. I waited a long time to find that connection again, even if it is just coffee..."

The smirking face and broad shoulders that greet me aren't the cause of my temporary delirium.
Not even the wild hair and black rimmed glasses.

It's the sea green, haloed dusty blue eyes centering all the rest that shallow my breaths

Of all the places.....

Like a falling satin sheet his face morphs into a query riddled expression.

I hear the barista call out a name and he reluctantly steps away, never taking his eyes off mine whispering,

"I'll...be right back. Don't move...please?"

I'm nodding like an awkward parrot and he turns to grab his imitation coffee.
The same kind I'm waiting on.
And I start smiling after a second.

Not because of the similar drink order, which could be anyone...

But because of something I haven't known until this moment for over fourteen years.
All thanks to fate, or destiny...
Or perhaps the oblivious barista.

His last name...


*© NDHK

I hope you smile at me today...
Because this morning,
I missed the sun rising.


*© NDHK

Since the last time you touched me...
All I want is to feel your hands on my skin.
On my face and through my hair.
Feeling your body heat up against mine.
Taste barely contained anticipation on your breath.
Smell the comfort that you emanate.
Drinking the passion from your lips.

I want you...
Anchoring me down,
Vulnerability plunging into my eyes.
Stealing the air from me.
Swallowing the noises you incite.
Tangling feet and twisted fingers.
Embracing and submerging in honey junction.

Just the sound of your tenor,
Erupts a burn that speeds throughout my veins.
Heart stuttering and dizzy and trembling,
All from the presence of you.
Wanting to lose myself with you.
Forget all reason...but then what is reason?


Since the last time you touched me...
I long for the next.


*© NDHK

Mommy...
do you want to play
ponies with me?

Just for a little bit,
maybe,
or all night?

Maybe,
until I get sleepy
then rub my face?

Just until I want you
running fingers
through my hair instead?

I do like when we snuggle,
but maybe,
we can bring my ponies?

Cause they get lonely
sometimes,
like you do.


*© NDHK

I want to wrap you,
tissue paper,
and throw you
in the sky.

Watch you fly

Never have I
believed
in anyone
as I believe in you.

Because you believe in me

This gypsy heart
is not
a fickle lover
of you.

So vulnerable

Be my bright sky
and
I'll be
your guiding moon.


*© NDHK

You say my eyes are the prettiest
that you've seen in a while.

They guide you out of the hole
that you've found yourself fallen into.

I hope you might drown in them
for a little while.

You say they fill you with hope
and something wild.

So take them as invitation to my life.

When I smile and your eyes light up
it gets to me like nothing else has before.

The day we met the rain was falling down
not making sense.

You saw something inside me that was hidden.

It came out and blazed into your arms
safe and warm.

You told me of your dreams.

Said your fingers were nimble enough to catch them
but...
not sure your heart was strong enough to keep them.

Just touching you blinds me
with desire for you wholly.

You light up a spark
I thought died out ages ago.

Yeah, you slow me down with your sweet,
sweet smile.

I don't know now what to think,
I don't know what I'm doing
with you in my arms.

But it feels like a home
I've forgotten to return to.


*© NDHK

Moving again.
Packing and suffocating
just to hoard awhile.
Unleash and prop in the next chapter.
How many more times
will I have to revolve around the clock timer?

Displace my comfort.
Stir up and riffle my stability
just to watch for the final sunset.
Until the explanations to my pebble have to dust
out of my mouth again.

A gypsy life not for three.
So hard to handle for anyone but me.
Practice, practice, reset and stay.
It's a cycle I'm tired of.

Grown accustomed to delay and anxiety.
Longing for roots and more tomorrows.
Fly me away with wings of fire.

To disintegrate left behind memory
that's tying up my feet.
To ignite a blazed landing...

To grow from,
to be content on.

A place to be when my pebble wants to fly.


*© NDHK

One day you'll realize...
I don't have an answer for everything,
Don't make the sun rise and the stars shine,
Can't always protect you from monsters,
Or make it better with a hug when you cry...

I'm not as brave as I seemed
Or as wise as you thought
Not as strong as you believed
Because I've gotten lost a lot...

We might argue and disagree,
I'll watch you laugh and grow,
It will be bittersweet for me ,
One day you'll change and be on your own...

So I make memories in my days with you,
From your beginning, to my end,
And hope one day when you're older
You'll be able to remember them...

For if a mother is god in the eyes of a child
Then you were my angel from the start,
Your tears and laughter and all that comes after
Is what keeps me going sweeheart...

I'll never stop caring and teaching and leading
Because I found an unconditional love in you,
And if you learn only one thing from me
This one undeniable, ultimate truth...

We're apart of each other
Me and you
So I'll only live with half my heart
Because the other half is you...


*© NDHK