Some people
just don't have the strength
to realize that those wounded parts
inside you are also
what contribute to who you are.
Like a mossaic
we are all made of tiny pieces
of unique traits that make us.
For some of us
it would be wonderful to just truly be okay
and not struggle with depression of some sort.
But that struggle
is what helps us see hidden beauty
in those moments of serenity
that most would bypass.
It helps us to be grateful
of good days and
sparse moments of a calm mind
that are taken for granted.
The dark inside us
also let's us shine the brightest when we can.
If someone is unable to cope
with all the sensitive parts of you,
light and dark,
it's their loss out of knowing someone amazing.
Every bit of you is worth acceptance.


*©NDHK

It was a dusty moonlight fall
when I walked into your room.
I had this urging inside that made it impossible to sleep.
Talking to you in whispered laze about trivial things that were always on our minds soothed me.
So I decided calm my stormy mind with placating conversation.

Sickness had been shaking up your serenity lately but it was nothing you couldn't tolerate, you always said.
The air in waking life had been feeling coppery.
You were already awake as I stepped through the door and directly to the window.
Let the breeze join us.
I sat down easy on the side of the bed and huffed.
Indicating the verbal sieve was full.

You broke the waiting with a quote by a Greek poet that I remember you referring to more than once over the years.
Rolling my eyes at the familiarity, I just nodded in understanding.
So then I let out the worries.
I haven't felt the need to get so deep in a while.
It felt comforting to share my darkest bothers with you.
You, always knowing how to put me in perspective.
Finding the brakes to my crazy train.

When I'd lightened up some you told me innocuous counter thoughts.
Like always.
Smiling and giggling at the inevitable jokes that followed eased things.
My heart brimming with warmth, I wished to have the ambiance captured in a jar to take with me into the light of day.
Maybe to wash away the constant taste of pennies.

I chose to conclude our banter with a confession.
One that I knew I'd be teased relentlessly for but with empathy no doubt.
I told you of a person.
One who swept into my life.
Swept me up.
And you snorted at that.
I would've gotten offended if not for your encouraging smile that was plastered on your face.

I guess that was the moment you thought was perfect to give me the ultimate ego boost.
Life lesson or what have you.
Linking our pinkies you said to shut up and listen to what you were going to say.
Don't interrupt with sarcasm, you warned faux sternly.

You said,
"I love you silly girl.
If you believe anything in your life.
Out of the books your read, the music you hear, the people you talk to, remember this above everything.
You deserve love.
You deserve to work hard and struggle.
Having a piece of the world in your palms is your right by being human.
All of your flaws behind that guiless face deserve notice and acceptance.
You are a divine piece of perfect creation in Gods eyes.
You deserve love.
And you deserve to give that love to whomever needs it.
When it comes down to it, all that's left is what the heart has squeezed out over its lifetime.
That's what is born and remains.
You deserve love."

Squeezing the finger that linked us, signified your wisdom was finished.
Shaking out the hair in my eyes had camouflaged the tears that snuck up.
I had to think up something to say that wouldn't give away how much that rattled me with something soothing.

I lifted my head, fighting back my self conscious need for a quip, to tell you I believed you.
I did believe you in that moment.
Because you knew me better than anyone.
I believed you.

Looking from the window where a few leaves fell in from the breeze I opened my mouth and took a breath.
I stopped short.
You weren't looking at me.
You were before though.
But not now.

Then I just knew.
I shook our fingers to be sure.
But my guts knew.
I didn't even get to tell you I believed you.
Or that I loved you.
My chest ached with a swirl of emotions that ricocheted around the small cavity.

I didn't realize until much later that you left me something.
Hope.




*©NDHK

An illuminated room.
Twinkling lights strung up carefully
like the constellations outside the window.
Around the two of them the essence of frailty and incense hung in the electric air.
The low hum tension sizzles.
So close, every breath shared back and forth.
Finally the silent standoff is obliterated and the outpouring of words run over a thousand times bursts forth.

"What do you think I want?
You think you have me figured out, huh?
Use that keen mind of yours and tell me what it is, you think I want from you.
A pledge of forever?
All of your attention every day?
You think I want to have you give up all of your time to me, be at my beck and call?

I want this.
I want what has been between us since we first met.
I know you're probably nervous and unsure what's going on.
I am too.
But I trust my gut.
And tomorrow might not save me.

When you know, you know, right?
This is why it seems so hard.
Undeniable.
So I'm telling you what I want.
I want you.
Simple.
I want this moment.
With you.

I want this moment and if I'm lucky I could be given another and another after this.
And maybe,
if the universe allows,
we can take those moments and string them together and something more,
something bigger can come of it.
But for now I will be grateful for this moment, here with you.

Because you mean something to me.
I care deeply about you.
You're my friend.
I love you.
And I will never regret a day of knowing you if this moment is the only one we'll ever have together.
Because that's what it is.
That's love.

And even if it scares you, you deserve to hear it.
This is my truth.
I'm not asking you to handle my feelings.
I'm not ashamed of them.
There's no need to be rash.
I'm here.
I've always been here.
For a time I've been waiting and trying to understand myself.
But it's never gone away for me.
This connection.
The chemistry swirling between us.

So now that I've given more breath with all that, when I'd rather be holding it in to kiss you until my lips went numb.
You have a choice.
You can either clam up and push me away.
Or you can pull me in...
And kiss me..."



*©NDHK

When the lights
Are dimmed down
Sweet underglow.
Softly lingering music
Swaying around our heads.
Things I want to desperately
Fill your ears with.
Hum them rhythmically
Like hot honey
Sticking all around inside you.


*©NDHK

You had this haze
filling up the room.  
I couldn't seem to
trample through the maze
without following your
laughter.
I sat still
and molasses like
as I watched the colors
bounce from floor
to walls
back onto you.

The stiffness
in my smiling cheeks
was a soreness that
helped me enjoy
the realness of those
moments.
The thoughts running
dialogue through
my tethered mind
wanted to pour out
into the reality of then
but they held steady
inside.

Wondering
what if I could just
let loose,
melt enough
to spill on your floor
the ideas of conversation
between us.
I wanted to
loosen control
so...
badly...
to the point that
you would have
a front row seat
to the inner workings
of me.

Always a thinker,
an analyzer,
a day dreamer.

Snapping back into
the now of then
every so often
I was scared.
Scared
to believe that
a situation I have been
embarrassingly replaying
for months in my dreams
had come to
fruition.
Not wrapping my mind
around the truth
in front of me
that I was here
and you were here
and this was.

It's a vulnerable confession
that I had gained
extreme pleasure
in just your company.

In just your single company.

I wish
I could stop
doubting
the perception
you have of me,
but even more so
I wish I could
actually know.
In straight lined
bold words,
I wish I could
read out loud
what it is of me
you see.



*©NDHK

I've realized
No one can move
Like you can,
When you dance
Oh, so close
Behind me.

*©NDHK

To be a daisy maiden
with fragile fingers in my hair,
Is not who I came to be,
though strength lived inside this vessel fair.

So burdened I was, with thoughts of
clever rapport and satire deeds.
Catching the intense beauty all around
not just looking within me.

I walked barefoot on muddy journeys,
collecting trinkets too precious and plain.
Graceless bellows of happy words shouted out
never caring for judgements name.

So when I came across a devilish looking man,
a humble heart in disguise.
I surely followed that tether
feeling my solitude world's final demise.
.
What I saw was a bit frightening, slightly...
only because of his eyes.
They were not uncommon but still unique,
something behind them I recognized.

They held secrets and wonder,
twisty worlds and something familiar.
Showed me tales and revealed quiet emotions.
I swear they were something of a mirror.

So when he disappeared from my sight
but called to me with his lingering light.
Laid out subtlety but inviting none the less.
I started after, caring not for the rips of my traveling dress.

Climbing up toward his castle of
vibrant colors and crests.
Venturing inside to find where the human delight
my sticky heart believed had come to rest.

Finding him sitting front row waiting docile in a chair,
I proceeded ahead with a confident flare.
Unbeknownst at first while focusing on the one
I was chasing.
There was an obstacle in waiting like a beast's heavy pacing.

Past lives and insecurity followed this creature about.
Like wasps hunting a victim waiting to make them shout.
A mask of confusion clouded this face simmering with doubt.
Trying to reach toward me, to let go and get out.

He said there was hope in his heart
but demons he still had to conquer.
He was so lonely and wanting to love
but feared he was too tired.

I responded that
if it's your evils that chase you
down to the pyre.
Well, I guess we are meant to be,
for I am a dragon slayer
And I too, breathe fire.


*©NDHK

Believe
having an unrelenting
Faith
and also impenetrable
Trust
in yourself can
Survive
all the unnecessary
Doubt
and strongly undeserved
Insecurity
that shadows your
Mind.

Awaken
the patiently dormant
Compassion
from lessons learned.
Embrace
the fight of
Loyalty
within your softly
Honest
and open armed
Heart.

Practice
the on going
Forgiveness
toward your own
Self,
and remember your
Journey
through the difficult
Growth
that you have
Endured

Unconditional
and titanium strong
Love
is what can
Remain.


*©NDHK

I anixiously wait
To feel the clawing
Of that body mania.
Reaching up for the burning
Taunt of wanton heat
You pour through my skin.

I want to have it swell
Inside so fiercely,
So unrelentingly
That it will blindingly
Consume my feather triggered nerves.

A wild animal barely contained
Inside this caged body.
Restrained passion sparking far out
As the wick of a firework.

Spin my mind into a tizzy
Tease and then give in,
And my body will melt
Like lava on the brink of
Building an island out of this.



*©NDHK

If I'm reading the signs,
The way I think I should.
Looking between the lines and
Stepping back for the panoramic view.

I've been walking a line that's
Leading faint like a concrete crack.
Been ducking low hanging tree limbs
And checking for two road tracks.

All the while believing
I'm blindly moving along.
The changes I've made were
Unbeknownst to me but there all in all.

It was recognized by others
And pointed out to me.
Unaware you are until an observer
Comes and helps you see.

You've become something different,
You've become someone of truth.
Respecting yourself, the life that you're living.
Giving compassion were bitterness once took root.

Finding meaning behind all
The natural actions you take,
Spreading those buried wings
Like a crane over a lake.

Appreciating the small things
And celebrating the big.
Waking up and realizing
It's about time that you did.


*©NDHK

Something as simple as going to a movie alone.
It can be the best adventure.
It's nice to have wiggle room to just... go.
You don't have to worry about waiting for someone to tag along.
Don't have to worry that you won't get to sit here you want.
Don't have to worry about them stealing your popcorn.
Don't have to deal with their laughing at scenes that aren't really that funny.
And you get the armrest all to yourself.

Yes, it's nice to have that freedom of entertaining yourself.
But then sometimes...

After going to see your tenth movie alone.
You start to feel like you have too much time just staring at the lighting before the movie starts.
You've sat just about everywhere in the theater by then.
You wish there was someone there to turn to when something is funny enough to share.
And the  armrest sits there mockingly, like it's caging in your loneliness.  
And you realize... you never really do finish all you popcorn.




*©NDHK

I got caught in a daze, within my daze.
Lost in my thoughts, minding my own, I was bombarded.
The sight of you in my zoned out vision line.
The pressed gray shirt you were wearing was untucked.
Your shoe had come untied.
You cleared your throat obnoxiously, on purpose.  
And I think a piece of your hair was sticking straight up in the back.
But all I could focus on was the chain hanging down your chest.



*©NDHK

You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.

Shamefully trying
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
was agonizing.
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
glowing desperation
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.

You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
The choice
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
this time.
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
appear believable.
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.

My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,

"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."

I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.

A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
Thrashing forward
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
and turned.
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
be better.
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.

I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
our life.
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
of strength
I hadn't earned yet.

Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contained sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.

"Come back mama, come back!"



*©NDHK

Comfortably lounging on the couch.
The tv on low and plates
of unfinished food by my feet.
Tracing my fingertips
across your forehead.
Then venturing them
into your hair.
While you gently tickle
down my leg and
raise goosebumps on my knee
when you breathe.
That's how our nights should wind down.



*©NDHK

I'd like to have tea with you
Every morning
Until you look like your grandfather



*©NDHK

I hold onto this key,
Not worth more than a dime.
Lay down your amour honey,
Here next to mine.

Lay down your head,
Forget for a while.
Bare out your fears,
They've been walking for miles.  

The memories seem to sneak up,
And boldly corner you.
You're seeing them backwards,
They're running you through.

Just whisper to me your frail hopes,
Show me the bones of your desires.
That stalking fog will vanish,
From this doorway of fire.

It'll be simple for us,
In the cool dawn of the morning.
This is not quite the beginning,
Of a never ending story.


*©NDHK

If I had two hands
Amongst my own.
Would they be strong enough
To make a home.
Would they give me comfort
Where I feel alone.
If I had two hands
Amongst my own.

If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.
Would they see possibility
To help me grow.
Would they show me beauty
Where I see stone.
If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.

If I had a heart
Amongst my own.
Would it recognize mine
To be its clone.
Would it beat in sync
Where my love is shown.
If I had a heart
Amongst my own.



*©NDHK

You drink me
As if...
I am your elixir
To stay sane.

You drink me
As if...
I am about to spill.




*© NDHK

You describe me
Like a painting you saw
When you were drunk.

Stretching your fingers
For the sanguine face
Faded inside it.

That's when you whisper
You'll love me
Without any doubt
To hold you back.



*© NDHK

You call this love.
Here...
Because it ain't lust

It's not passion either.
There...
Absolutely no trust

It's just you and me
Falling...
Down it seems

Elsewhere.



*© NDHK

Maybe someday in a different life,
With a different smile
You would love me.

It's not much now,
My spirit...
But maybe you could just brighten it up
A little more.
At least let it see that it has a time and
A place.  
Where it can be.

That could be our rhythm for now.
Just until I'm me,
Really... me.
Until I know who that is indefinitely.
I would really like that.
It's comforting to think about you,
Maybe
One day thinking of me too.

If only huh?

I'm not good now, soon though.
I will be.
Good enough for me.
You might see.

Tag along and see how much
In love we could be.
I adore you for existing.
I just have to say it.
Maybe you will too, for more or less.
That would be nice.

You're out there.
I'm here.
Maybe somewhere,
Someday
Ending up with one another.
Together.

Maybe, that could be us.


*© NDHK