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While trips can provide valuable insight
when I linger too long you'll find
these moments begin to slip
away as they are lost
to our reflection
in its pondering.

Sometimes we do remember too fondly.

Many hallucinogens we have taken
and now I must ask us to evaluate
and apply their great potential.

What is this psychic continuum
that we explored? Psychedelia,
Absurdia; delirium, dissociation.
Was it simply some neuromodulation?

More research should reveal much to us,
In time we will return
but for now we must move on.

The next area of evaluation
lies in human enhancement
of the cognitive kind.
We classify compounds
that can elicit such
effects as nootropics.
Their potential applications
fascinate me, as does the ethics
of academic doping.
Who doesn't enjoy a morning coffee?
I might prefer an evening cup of tea!
Time is of the essence.
I convinced myself so thoroughly I was under
surveillance that I was sure they were about to
storm into my life and change it permanently.
I keep seeing myself coming home to a house
raided, with the front door kicked in, ransacked
in their wasted efforts to find something I would
simply give them should they ask politely. This is
no way to live. No wonder
I have mental problems.
At least that's what I call them.
No psychiatrist ever attended to me
and the last time I sought counselling
they advised me to seek psychotherapy.
I don't have the money, all I have are these
substances
and the terror
that the threat of their discovery brings. God
help me; I'm terrified, I'm an addict, I'm lonely,
I'm paranoid, my head is ****** up and no one
could save me.
All I have now
is my writing.

I find myself wishing
they'd catch me
just so someone
could look at me, right
in the eye and listen
to my story; all I want is
a little human connection.
All I have is this imperfection.
Been to the summit before,
Now baseline calls me forth
and I gotta ask for directions.

We might last 'til the end
of this one-night-fantasy.

For the first time in over a month
I felt something worth celebrating.

Sometimes you don't know what you're ignoring
until the sun goes.

"The gentle background roar of the unsleeping city filled the sodium-stained skies and I stood listening for the river's dark liquidic music in vain".

It struck me out of my daze,
I felt a twinge of emotion today. What now, navigator?
Quote:
Line Ten & Eleven from page 64 of Dead Air by Iain Banks
I want to communicate something
but all I have is this
emptiness
where there should be emotion, I
wish for so many things
and yet can't find
the devotion.

Why am I so scared of my empathy?
It's been pretty dark for me of late, and winter is coming.
During the winter of {twenty-thirteen/twenty-fourteen}
many a night I did spend alone, marathoning powerful
series (namely, Game of Thrones), until eventually
the sun crept up and finally I'd fall
into troubled sleep, exhaustion was the only stuff.
So eager to forget the world I was
that I found myself in such a lonely place. I kept what
it offered me: an escape. I went a week without daylight.
The night was all mine for this nocturnal escapism, it was
great, a ridiculous and foolhardy thing, I needed it so badly
back then. In this act of praxis I vilified.

It was during one of my worse times,
When I'd be out sessioning regularly
'til dawn and for days afterwards I'd
still feel the come-down. Two lives fit
into one sleeping pattern all-too-perfectly. I remember skagging with an odd fondness now, fairly irreligious yet therapeutic somehow.
I found reprieve awake in the dark of night.
I felt so much, I
could not control it.
I had to close myself off
from the world of experience,
I had to make it stop, lest hyper-
empathy tear myself apart. I had to

stop. Judge me, please, I only wish I
could be strong enough. For what
it's worth know that I always
ask whether the pain is
worth as much as this
sanity I've bought.

I miss who I was,
I've nearly forgotten;
I'll be happier when I'm lost

in the darkness
and in thought

where I belong.
When she said she felt sorry
for me I felt sorry too, not
for me but for the feeling I
had caused in her; something
I would not allow for myself.

I had closed the feeling off.
There's broken glass, something escaped
from the think-tank. Now that thought's
gone and gotten loose whatever will we do:

These inauspicious days alcohol only leads
to the darkest recesses of my mind anymore
for who knows how many suicide notes I wrote
whilst in the cold throes of this depressing war
on my own dear sanity; you tell me who the victor
really is.

"Yes, I know"
"I am a son of Hades,
The darkness is my birthright".

A daydream I'd been having
too often, my thoughts were
dreams of escaping
something terrible
but I would only entertain them.
Still I find myself asking
why I feel sick in the head so often?
Am I playing mind games?
I know it's not him [who I am]
yet I created this thing that is,
Isn't this thing part of me, is this/it's contrary, this counterintuitive.
Nothing is as it seems, the world scares me, and all I ever wanted was a human being to be gentle with. A significant Other? I can barely be with myself let alone any other. I have little power over my own prophecy nor my dreams as of yet. When I become lucid then I'll know that I can finally sleep unburdened.



Yes I know,
She told me so.
                        [Daphni]
Quote:
Line Ten from 'Yes I Know' by Daphni
Line Eleven and Twelve - Nico di Angelo in Heroes of Olympus: Blood of Olympus by Rick Riordan
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