A year after
Our five years
I sit in tears
Planning a future forward
Starting over from the point
Where you stayed behind

But I'm successful in ways
We never imagined
In multitudes
You'll never reap again

I don't know where
Or when
I expect to see you
Again

All I know is that last time
Couldn't really be the last time
Could it?

I've been hiding forever
But no one has ever come to seek me out
That's not how the game is supposed to be played

Seeking attention
From any of those
Willing to give it

I'm starving for someone
To fill the bed with because
I'm cold and empty

The pain of the cancer gripping the lungs
Pulls the flesh from the face
-taking the mask with it
The beating creeps up behind the eyes
The disease expands until it bursts
-then the sound of the bullet
Ends alone in silence
Faceless

There is no sense,
or evidence,
that we should at all
call the world peaceful.

I saw The End today
We didn't to out in glory
No, it wasn't swinging either.
We fizzled away
Through little red lines
Floods of salt water rained down
Showering me in humility
You in shame
Tearing flesh
Tore us away

When it happened
I was sitting in the corner of a busy cafe
Reading- nothing really in particular
But the song is the important cue here.

I heard it at first
Distant and faint like butterfly wings
Then it grew louder
Blame it on the night
My eyes rose from the pages
Dont blame it on me
Faintly into my ears

It's sad really
I wanted to steady myself up
Push the book into the seat
and cross the room as our eyes locked
Until we were standing breaths apart

But when I looked up
I knew **** well you wouldn't be there
Why would you be?
And I wondered
As my mind still made the image of us dancing in the middle of this coffee shop seem more like a reality

Would we ever dance again?
Maybe some day, of course not now, but distant
Perhaps in different lifetimes
However; most likely never at all

This time,
it just feels better.
A friendship built
from trying to gather notes,
instead of shirt buttons.
And sliding into chairs
next to other another
instead of sliding hands
down jeans.
This time feels better,
because this time is healthy.
And real.

We do now
What we do best

We let it go
And welcome what comes next

**** this place.

I let me fingers trace every crack
Within those bricks
Through these man made walls
Just to get closer to you
Because I wanted to be closer to you

Nothing is better than a cold drink
in a hot shower
Or that's what you used to tell me
Now the idea empties me
Like all the bottles which touched your lips
Does your drink still taste the same?

The hours with you immobilized my values
Something in the way you looked
-mostly at me
A longing in your glorious emeralds
Not just for touch
but maybe something more

As the sun rose over the clock
The image of my lips on yours
grew increasingly distant
Night is were we thrived
Day drove us apart
- in a way my heart couldn't handle
But I wished it could

For all of the special somethings
I did for my special someone
Who made me feel like no one

It was wrong to call you on your crap
Karma will do that soon enough

Tú ibas mi ángel
Pero
Tú eres el diablo ahora

How can you not see
That the love I have for you is real
You allow me
into your skin
and every inch of your body
And expect my hands to come back clean
and my heart to be whole

You allow me to touch his skin
Asking my heart to absorb
the love you have for him
But all you fail to see
Are all the little nothing's I feel

It kills me so
To watch you kiss him slow
Wishing silently each time
Those lips of his were mine

You're just a stupid boy
Pretending to be a man
Not realizing that first
You need to remove the protective film of ignorance
To see the image clearly
Until then,
you'll always be stuck here

If you spent less time
Fighting yourself
Maybe you'd actually
Be able to save someone else

But how can you stand on your own cape
As your hair catches fire
And tell the world it's fine?

Please be calm
Open the eye of the storm
To see the pain this brings

Settle now and let the sun rises again
I need the light to guide my poor soul
Help me off this wreck and to know
To know this mess of a sea within me

Remember all those times
You told me I was the one
Then it turned out
I wasn't the only one
But even now I guess
At least I'm not the lonely one

Kiss me
Under the wounded twilight

Take me
Under the bleeding starlight

Hate me
For the depleting moonlight

Leave me
Due to the judging sunlight

A boy once told me
You can't expect the one who hurt you
to be the same one who fixes you
And ****
Did I not want that to be the truth

You have to know
I'm letting you go

You weren't the one
But oh so much fun

I was sorry to tease you
And it never did please you

But oh well
After this spell

You wont even remember
My name

Ouija, ouija, ouija
Grab my heart and squeeze
Grip my neck and pull

Ouija, ouija, ouija
Shadows released into the wall
Horrors brought into this world

Ouija, ouija, ouija
I wasn't here
But now you see me

Some birds leave for the winter
It gets cold and they fly away
It's how they survive

But some of them
Fall in love
Before they go

They survive seasons and storms through
Just waiting until they can return
To their summer home and comforts

But as they fly back
On tired wings
Do you think they remember their love?

Because after this long winter between us
I don't recognize you

I see you crying
Counting every tear as it rolls down
and pools in the dirt

You say all these words
None of them string into a sentence
That I haven't already heard

Trembling-
your voice isn't the only thing shaking
But I'll say it anyway

It's true, crocodiles produce tears.
They can actually cry.

You looked at me confused.
Would you have given me
the same look
if you knew what I would say next?

But the tears aren't formed from remorse
or sadness
They're formed simply to clean out their eyes.
So as I watch you, I'm questioning,
How many crocodile tears your shedding now
-here, for me?

---

I felt it
In that last one
Those sparks on my lips
Those came from two hearts merging
A power so out if this world
The last time it was felt
Or even experienced
Was the Big Bang

The answers you seek
Are hardly as simple
As the questions you repeat

I can't believe you had the audacity
To lurch into bed next to me
Each night
Knowing the whole time
The end of the week would bring
The end of us at your command
Dooming me to this house of shadows

I counted each and every set of headlights
Hoping they would add up to you

When my heart belongs to you:
I'm free

I didn't need you
To tell me
To have fun tonight
But even so
I did

You are my muse
Thank you for being so horrid
That I have something to write about

She parented and loved
Only through yelling
I grew up assuming
It was the only way people communicated

I'm sorry I'm a scratched CD
And you keep getting stuck
On the worst parts
of my song

I saw this image in a dream once
Sure enough
You weren't there either

I'm in desperate need of saving
But only worthy of being saved
When I beg for it first

Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know
You burn the weak bridges of distant bays
In the barren shade you will never grow


You’ll reap the rotted seeds of all you sow
Doomed to be alone for the coming days
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know


Neither pain, nor pleasure, will make you glow
Stuck forever in your pitiful ways
In the barren shade you will never grow


Through evil, twisted words and forked-tongue woe
Do your everything to push them away
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know


In the haste of fright, you condemn your foe
Care little to not for the truth they say
In the barren shade you will never grow


I’d give you my heart for this final blow
Even for the fruit of love you’d not stay
Poor soul, grieving is all you’re bound to know
In the barren shade you will never grow

I tossed my body around like a rag doll
until it wasn't even recognizable
as human anymore
Sunset through sunrise
this cycle is how I can justify
doing all the inhumane actions
the routine everyday life the choices I make
can clearly be done so
because what is being done
isn't being done to a human soul

You simply don't comprehend
The mountains I would have moved
The rivers I would have parted
Chaos I could have calmed
Or created
The tides I'd shift
Or the cards I'd fold
But I guess none of that matters now
Or ever
If it even did at all

Do I even know how to love?

I'm drunk
But does that make me any less wise?

If not me,
then who?

Why does the bottle
taste sweeter in the morning?

Are things truly
better this way?

Why is it,
that you have to make me
ask that question in the first place?

Why does he feel
the compulsive need
to compare himself to me
and believes himself to be under me?