I’m stuck in this headspace and it’s killing me inside.
I can’t stand being sober, I need to be either drunk, faded, or high.
I’m becoming the worst version of myself, and a part of me embraces it.
The other part can't stand this life, but I don't know how to really quit.
The pain, panic, exhaustion, constant highs, lows, and numbness are wearing my body down.
But I keep falling back to the same thing and I always meet a dealer downtown.

Messages left on read.
Got me spiraling, are you dead?
You’ve been so distant lately.
Did you make it home safely?
Lately, it feels like you are leaving.
Are you up or are you sleeping?
My heart is breaking slowly.
I’ll be here when you feel lonely.

Father, I know you have seen my name on the news.
They’ll never catch me alive, I’d rather die than lose.
Mother, please, don’t cry. To find who I am and not lose my mind;
I had to start over and leave all of y’all behind.
Brother, you’re smart and talented, you’re stubborn too.
That’s what I adored the most about you
Middle sister, I know you’re worried about me but I am fine.
Give my niece a hug from me, I’ll come to visit sometime
Big sister, I know this is what you warned me about, but please try to see
He’s not the bad guy here, he pulled the trigger but the plans were on me.

I’ve been told since day one “what you’re doing will leave permanent damage.”
But, I’m stuck neck deep into an addiction I’ve tried but can’t manage.
I know my will to live is tough, but my cravings are tougher.
They say; “the brain needs 8 hours of sleep every night to recover.”
But, I’m up binging for days in a row saying “**** it” while overdosing.
I lit another cigarette, nothing hit like being high and chain smoking.
I lose all of my self-control and I take more until I think I'm dying.
Until I’m sick and shivering and there is no point denying.
That I’m delusional and paranoid. It won’t take too long until I'm hallucinating.
Until I can't recognize myself or the world, and I get stuck dissociating.
I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, I meet her eyes and I freeze.
Her skin is gray, with tired eyes. She crumbles and her breathing cease.
Stuck inside a body she can't beat, wanting to get free.
My eyes tear up and my heart stops when I realize she is me.

Bruises black and blue on gray, is being alive worth the price?
For every time she surrenders herself and falls to her knees, a piece of her soul dies.
Trembling hands and pale white lips, she’s tearing at the seam.
Poison coursing through her veins contaminating every dream.
Shameful secrets, deceit, and lies, every day stuck on repeat.
Little girl, I pray that when this high has faded, your heart continues to beat.
Kept beneath the surface, self-doubt rooted and planted its seed.
Paint with silver, the ink blood red, bitterness started to breed.
She found her voice and revealed her pain in the stories she bleed to write.
She pushed her luck and went too far, No, she won’t sleep tonight.

Poetry and Nicotine
Dull eyes on Amphetamine
Cold hands and colder heart
Build me up, I’ll fall apart

You say that you are always there for me.
Then why do I still feel like I’m lost at sea?
I’m so tired of always feeling alone.
Having to fend for me, myself, and on my own.
I see you on our calls but your concentration never stays.
and I miss the times your mind wouldn’t slip away.
What are you thinking about? leaving me all by myself.
These days I’m scared it’s about someone else.