Lost in a wander, conflicted with anxiousness. I walk in a black cube of my own fears that no matter what I do engulfs my life like air. Maloncholy to happiness I sit in this purplexed contradiction called existence and ponder the outcomes of the what if's and what-not's of my timeline, feeling as if I couldn't have really changed anything. Considering the circumstances of my own needing to be unhappy or to be alone in my own decisions. To potentially hex myself of this vector of morbid depression seems unachievable at times, I step away and see that it's me in an emotional blur with my head spinning and my rash justifications of who and why I am so stuck in a lose of love circular rotation.

She says I'm worried for nothing I should be able to trust her. I know I can't trust her. I know I'm not worried about nothing I'm worried about something and the reason I'm worried about that something is because I'm dealing with you. If I didn't care then it wouldn't be dealing with you. This little something is a big problem I've never had to deal with something like this before. I understand she's a lady she's going to have friends some of those friends are going to be dudes. But do they have to be dudes that are there when I'm not there do they have to be dudes that bring free drugs and offer money when you're short on rent? I'm not going to sit here and hold a prostitutes hand and tell her I love her and believe that she's not doing anything with these people that I know about because she's saying something about it so that way I don't worry about it but I know that I should be worried about it because she's saying something about it.


Voice to text sorry if the punctuation is incorrect my right hand that I write with is healing from surgery

Right handed not left
Tendons scraping stabbing pains with every movement

I had a lot on my mind. Me and my brother we had some words things got loud. I can't recall if he said something about her as if a ****** maybe just called her a ******. Things had already escalated things were already said they weren't going to get taken back. Me and my brother have had a hard time since my father has passed nobody in the family was ready for his departure. So we got into a tussle we both hurt each other a bit not like a bar fight but just a little bit. Our loving mother comes in screaming. I told her I was just trying to tell him the good news. She's not with a child. We ended up getting into a fight. After the fight I took a walk I was so mad I punched a tree twice as hard as I could. Later that night at the emergency room I'm checking myself in, I'm talking to the nurse about the drama and the problem at the house and the thing that I'm going through with my lady and it just clicked. That everything was turning bad for a reason the reason was so sad we weren't supposed to be together to begin with

I knew you did dirt when I met you.
I knew that you weren't clean.
I knew that we had both been hurt before.
I knew what you were up to.

What I didn't know, is that we were both so hurt that we were stuck thinking of survival.
The only thing that really concerns themselves with survival is an animal.

You shouldn't have to worry of falling prey to somebody that you trust, and I never trusted you. I never worried about you trying to consume me and use me and eat me alive.
I never lowered my guard. I never let you in all the way to the point that you could hurt me that way.

We weren't good for each other, and we had to split apart and go our separate ways. Had to do what we had to do kind of like survival.

I could tell that I'm starting to appreciate it. Solace - peacefulness
I feel like a mental Haze has lifted.

Not being with her has taught me I'm a very fragile person and when I don't feel right I don't think right.

I know I wasn't thinking right, I knew I wasn't doing right.

Considering how fast everything moved and how fast everything stopped this past month was like a car accident.

She's the type to think that nothing happens by accident everything happens for a reason.  I know there's a reason that not everybody in your life is meant to see the highest you the best version of you. I kind of wish that I knew what that looked like for you, I kind of wish you knew what that looks like for me. I'm thinking clearly now. I'm moving better now.