She leaves,
And he stays.
She takes,
And he gives.
She strikes,
And he endures...

All the while seeing
Her loving,
Tender ways
Despite this - temporary -
darkness.

Lord, release my heart
From this cage it’s in

I need to breath
Fresh air

I am full of fire
And resentment

Encased and surrounded by the past
Which has become my present
And my future

Unable to change him,
Loving and tender.

He cares for himself
Foremost
And I, foremost for him.

Will there always be something to stomp over?
Will there ever be more than a glimpse of time when this agitated soul of mine -
can settle and rest and in ease?
Will this being, of me, always be looking for more..
Or trying to escape?

Why can’t I be more like my grandma -
Simple and humble
Enduring and strong
Gentle and caring
Quick to forgive...

Why must I cling so tightly to my pain,
As though without it i would be lost
How can I learn to just put it down and rest -
Forgive…

When i am angry enough
To tear down the walls around me
And become a beast
Capable of destruction

While all the while
I just want to stop
And smile…

But i can’t
Not truly.
This smile is flat.
A weak attempt to endure, like Nanoo
And forgive.

But it is beyond my capacity,
And I need space-

So i do not destroy
Everything around me.

How much pain i have endured already
Waiting and clinging
To something wild, untame
Lashing me forward and back
Without rest or pause
I am exhausted
And still attempting to hold on
And tame this beast-

And at the same time,
I am ready to match him.
To let go, and face him head on
A bull fight.

For although I am tired,
I have grown strong from all of this holding
Back and fourth -
Up and down.

A moment of rest -
Then jolted awake...
I’ve grown agile,
And quick on my feet.

But how much longer can I endure?
I am tired.
And angry..
And stuck...
Between letting go,
A sad surrender.
Or holding on
With the strong hope
That i can survive.

As I grow older,
And my muscles decay
Will I be able to hold on?
Or will I be thrown vigorously to the ground
After years of battle,
Tired and broken,
With nothing left to hold on to.

Why can’t i be more like my grandma?
Simple and humble..
Enduring and strong..

I have found
That love is
A series of small quirks
That one finds endearing
By either familiarity
Or novelty
Or a delightful combination of both

And the challenge ensues
When the familiar turns novel
Or the novel grows familiar

And we must learn to love
This strange new series of quirks
All over again...

So long I’ve been searching
For me.

And finally I see,

I am a wall
That knocks itself down.

And using the pieces,
I build a new wall.

One with a window.

Until I become all empty space.
Above a mound of my remains.

Pain is never wasted
So long as she
Gets her point across

why does it feel
on this dark and dreary day
that all light and love is behind me,

evaporated into nothing.

while before me,
everything is as dim and heavy as this moment
when only nothing exists.