I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me

Today is a day
I never thought I'd make it to
living every day knowing that
no one is promised tomorrow
yet wondering if there is life for me
wondering if i might live
for longer than a moment

Didn't think id make it this long
Accepted that im done for
Not sure if ill wake up but if I do
What will it mean for me
Accepted that im meaningless
or at least dont want a meaning anymore
I just want to be done for

The first weekend of quarantine
I bleached my hair from black
to a neon pink and yellow pulse
My family booked a room at the Ramada hotel,
the only family there
I practiced opera in the empty bathtub while they swam
While they slept I layed outside
on the porch
in all my black clothes
listening to 200km In the Wrong Direction by tATu
on full blast through my headphones
The pain was pent up
And expelled through that hysterical humidity

all i know
is that there is no one watching over us

god is a black hole

death's arms around me
as if they've always been
they cradled me
in my childhood bedroom
the warmth I recognize still
they slow my pulse and calm me
they lull me
to my home, the empty