How does it feel? To feel nothing at all. I wonder.I imagine its
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Lik­e the world suddenly lost its color.

when i flip through my notebook,
i see your name cluttered in its pages.
its scribbled in the margins,
scrawled in big bold letters,
and sometimes,
i can see where i’ve written half of it
before reality pulled me
out of my own head.
your eyes are drawn
in my sketchbooks,
your words are etched
in my heart.
and then,
there is nothing.
barren pages like dead forests,
filled with invisible words.
invisible words like ***** water,
trickling off of my paper.
the letters in your name
don’t haunt me anymore.
they don’t tangle their fingers
into my hair and pull at my thoughts.
your eyes don’t seem to
watch me,
no matter how long i look.
your words are still
etched into my heart,
like the carvings that cover
old oak trees,
but they no longer mean
the things they did,
my notebooks are filled again,
with all the colors of a sunrise
and all the sounds of an orchestra.
a thousand emotions bleed into
its snow-white pages,
staining them with a color
i’ve never seen before.
they’re filled with endless hours
of a dull pencil dragging
across a new page.
they’re filled with myself,
flipping through its papers,
as the sun creeps into the sky.
my notebooks are filled
with everything now,
but never again will they be filled,
with you.

I don’t know what’s happening anymore.
My mind
It can’t concentrate on one thing.
I can’t focus,
Everything is all a blur.
I’m losing it.
I’m losing people.
And every time I go to think
I see flashes of us
dancing in the living room , burning cookies, and singing trash songs.
i ****** at love.
You ****** at giving in to much.
But not this time
I messed up.
Everything.
We had.
And now, your dancing with someone else.

Chest heaving
You can’t breathe
Pain in your chest pain in your stomach
Pain in your heart.
The roaring in your head won’t stop
You think in that moment that you’re dying, that you’re shattering-
Can’t breathe
Can’t breathe
Can’t-
Breathe
You’re ok.
But the shaking in your hands won’t stop-
You are loved, you are light
You are the trees and the rushing water
The echo of birdsong on a distant wind.



But your heart is tired, the world is too much
The noise
The fear
Everyone talking everyone asking things of you, too much it’s too much it’s too much-
Stop



Breathe
Remember the people
The ones who hold you, the ones who see you, the ones who understand.
You are light
The panic is in your head
Don’t listen to that part of you screaming that you can’t.
Rest.
You will be ok
It will pass
You are light and power
The crackling air before a violent, beautiful storm
You are stars in an infinite galaxy
You are the howl of a hungry wolf into the beckoning darkness.
You are made of love.



Breathe

the day I finally caught the sun
between my lips
was the day i was set free
from the iron cage
with its iron bars,
that crushed my arms
and shattered my lungs.
i closed my eyes
and let the golden flames
drip down the back of my throat
and coat my tongue like honey.
i felt it spread through
my chest,
felt the thing i
had been chasing
for years
and years
and years.
i watched as the inky blackness
that had suffocated me
for so many silent nights
bled from my fingertips and
sunk into the dirt,
staining the daisies
and wilting the poppies.
a golden bead
slipped
down my cheek,
and i wondered
why my tears
had never tasted so
sweet.
sitting down with the sunflowers,
i watched the cotton candy
clouds
float across the baby blue sky,
and began writing about
the day i swallowed the sun.