Monotone

Monotone Oct 2021

Today I’m floating-
I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad,
But I’m floating.
I’m seeing me, but I’m not in my body.
I’m watching myself, a stranger almost.
It’s weird, and kind of odd,
But I don’t mind it.
It’s better than being alone and cold-
And it’s better than feeling all the things.
Everything that stranger- no not a stranger,
Everything that I feel has no effect on me.
Does that make sense?
I’m just watching myself,
while floating above.

Monotone Oct 2021

I’m so mad

I just cut my wrists up,
And I’m so mad,
Because I can’t even ******* **** myself right.

Monotone Oct 2021

Girls and Boys and Those Inbetween

I like girls and I like boys and inbetweens-
but boys are so much easier to date.
I know what to expect and what to do-
but girls and inbetweens scare me,
I get so nervous and make mistakes.
They’re the unknown.
But if I don’t know them as well as boys-
how can I possibly be worthy of “pansexual?”
Do I even deserve that title?
Im attracted to people,
not their gender or their appearance,
but I’m so scared of messing up.
I like girls.
I like boys.
I like those inbetween.
But how could they possibly like me?

Monotone Oct 2021

Gaslighting Myself

Why do I do this?
Why do I drop everything for you?
Every time I get hurt.
And even now I feel so numb and sad-
and we’re not even dating.
I’m so loyal to someone who is using me.
You don’t even want me.
And I’m saying this-
But the moment you call,
I’ll come running back.
Because I’m weak and I know-
I know you have some good in you.
You’re not an awful person-
Or wait.
Am I gaslighting myself?
Am I making excuses for you again?
****.
Am I dumb? Am I blind?
You haven’t really changed have you?
But I love you.
And it hurts me.
****, I love you.
Why don’t you love me?

Monotone Oct 2021

Depressed and Apart

I miss the laughter and even the sadness.
I miss when you’d sing on FaceTime off tune.
I miss falling asleep together, 700 miles away.
I miss our deeper talks- the ones that hurt.
I miss when you’d carry me in video games.
I miss the accidental drunk Snapchats.
I miss randomly getting sleepy calls at 3 am.
I miss when we were happy together,
but now we’re both depressed and apart.

Monotone Oct 2021

I’m not pretty, I’m depressed

I’m not pretty- I’m depressed.
I have cuts and scars lining my wrists.
I’m always sleeping or not at all,
dark circles rest under my eyes permanently.
I’m either too fat or too skinny,
and I can’t remember the last time I ate.
I fake a smile and a laugh,
but in conversation my mind is far away.
I wear dark oversized clothing to hide
because my insecurities keep me afraid.
I self isolate out of fear that I’ll mess it all up-
but I fear being alone.
I’m not pretty, I’m depressed.

Monotone Oct 2021

H a p p y

I cut myself shaving today
And instead of throwing the blade away-
I made rivers of red artwork-
first my thigh,
and then my wrist.
And I left myself a reminder-
because I should just be happy.
Instead of being depressed.
So now that word “happy”
is engraved in my skin.
because maybe my dumb brain
just needs a shove to remember
that depressed isn’t pretty,
and if I just go to the gym I’ll be happy.