I say the words “I love you.”
I say them because I mean them.
It’s not something reserved for dating.
It’s not something reserved for family.
I say them because I mean them.
We don’t have to be in a relationship.
So why when I say those three words,
do you reply “that’s nice?”
Any other time you’d say them back.
But because we’re not in a relationship
you say, “that’s nice.”

The only thing on my mind
Is how badly I want
To run a blade across my wrist
And feel an outer hurt
Because I’m tired of the within

It hurts-
When they find someone new,
and I realize I was only there
for character development.
And now he’s with her,
and I’m with a different face every night.
But I’m the one who struggled through
the lows and the highs.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
Not her.
But I’m the one who’s alone.
Because while he’s marriage material,
I’m simply another body for men to use.
I’m pretty enough to ****,
but I’m no one’s dream girl-
just a means to pass the time.
And so I silently cry in this empty room,
thinking about those memories of you-
and the pain that you and I went through.

I cut myself shaving,
it brought back those memories.
Just a tiny twinge of pain,
and my hand begins to shake.
I throw the razor away,
tears begin streaming down my face.
But as much as I falter,
I want to slide the blade down my wrist again
and feel that familiar ache.
I want my emotions to come pouring out,
Because they’ve been hidden away.
I want to be entranced by seeping blood,
as it soothes and brings me peace.
I cut myself shaving,
and I went back to that place.

I was told I ruin everything-
Every friendship, relationship, or in between.
I give every small piece of me,
rarely asking for any reprieve-
and yet I still manage to ruin it.
Every single time.
I keep taking the blame,
because I know your shoulders are weak,
and while I may be struggling,
you are certain to crumble under the weight.
For now I’ll continue to carry your mistakes,
but I ensure you that I won’t always.
I’ll eventually clear this weighted plate.

I met this boy when the pandemic began.
My mind was swimming in dark seas,
but this boy- he made me happy,
even if it were only bits and pieces so rare.
I met this boy and my tears disappeared,
laughter filled and echoed around me,
and I finally smiled regularly.
I grew fond of this boy in record speed,
but I was not the only one whose mind swam.
His mind was deep- submerged completely,
and it could be so hard to reach.
I tried, but I could only do so much-
and the water consumed and devoured me.
Even now, I’m slowly sinking-
a prisoner of this vicious, unrelenting sea.

I used to imagine a future-
and I was genuinely excited to see
exactly what was meant to be.

Now that future has disappeared-
and I’m scared to walk this trail
knowing that everything I try will only fail.