Lately I’ve been struggling with my body.
I am not skinny enough: I’m chubby.
I’m not feminine enough: I’m ugly.
I’m not masculine enough: I’m frumpy.
I cannot look at myself.

I try so hard to clear my mind and breathe,
but my brain speaks too often.
The words don’t connect with one another.
They’re all over the place.
From one to the next–I cannot focus.

i used to always be too much.
i talk too much. i laugh too much.
but somehow i was also always too little-
i wasn’t trying hard enough.
however, truly i was never the problem at all.
i gave everything i could.
i changed for you.
and i am so happy to finally say-
the real me isn’t dead.
without you around i have started to see me.
i goof around with reckless abandon and
i hype myself up.
i am cocky instead of self conscious- who knew cockiness would ever be a positive?
i am so incredibly happy. and im proud.
i am so proud of me- because i’m me and i’m not you.

i left the other day.
i packed my bags and moved out.
and that is when I realized
that home isn’t a place.
it’s you.
it’s our walks through the park
and our talks through the night.
it’s getting in trouble together
and getting out of trouble together.
home is us. home is our friendship.
I have no idea how to be at home when you’re not here.

sometimes when i think of you
i don’t know how to breathe.
not because of a fondness for you, no.
but because you ripped open the seams that i had worked so diligently to upkeep.
you’re an animal.
one by one you plucked at every string I had tied to me.
you took away my confidence, self esteem, and beliefs;
leaving me only with anxiety and a constant fear
that i would never be me again.
because the line drawn between what was me and what was you had been so faint.
every day i question if i think right or if i’m breathing correctly.
and then i panic and forget how to breathe.

Sometimes I feel as if you stole a part of me away with you.
You took the very essence of my soul with you when you left.
I didn’t think it was a permanent ending, of course, neither of us ever did.
Each time we parted, it was never the end.
And now it is, and I no longer have air to breathe.
The fire that once sparked us both and lit up our the passionate flames of our souls belongs only to you now.

Be passionate for me, even if it is not with me.

I miss those moments,
but I would not change our ending.