How do I tell my brain to stop?
I get in these moods when I should be happy.
So much is good right now,
but that one comment keeps sticking.
My dumb brain won’t stop fixating.

“A new start,” that’s what I told myself.
“I just need a change.”
It’s happening again- like always.
Regardless of what or where or when,
I end up alone.
People drop off like flies-
while it may seem irrelevant to them,
It’s the only thing I can think of.
If I look back on the photos,
I’m never there.

I’m surrounded and alone.
These figures try to communicate,
but they never try to come closer.
I can’t understand a word they say.
I see their mouths move,
but that’s all that happens.
Their mouths move,
and they remain stagnant.
I try to communicate with hands,
I try to communicate with action ,
but they turn around and refuse to watch.

How can they hope to communicate
if they won’t meet me halfway?

Lately I’ve been having trouble breathing.
Everything around me closes in;
it swells up leaving no room.
It gets so tight that no air
could possibly squeeze through.
And then I pass out.
Only it doesn’t stop.
I keep waking,
endlessly struggling for air-
only to pass out in a panic.

Sometimes I do small things,
small enough people don’t notice.
I pinch my wrist,
I pull my hair.
I let piercings close-
only to pierce them again.
I seek out so much pain-
so much hurt-
because it helps me feel again.

I can’t breathe.
I can’t see anything.
I have these little flashes of light-
and tight, frantic gasps for air.
I’m left with my thoughts-
and in these panicked times they feel slow.
They’re drawn out.
I’m given all the time to think about-
How terrible a human I am.
How I’m incapable of genuine love.
How alone I am and will always be.
How I can’t even fake my own happiness.
I’m drowning,
And somehow, I’m taking everyone with me.