I love strength.
I love it more than anything.
I craved and desire strength.
Because I do not have it.
I lift ungodly amount of weight.
I train to hurt people more efficiently than a bullet.
I do these things and yet I am not strong.

I remember looking into your eyes once.
Just the once and I gleamed all I could bare.

In those eyes was not the weakness I knew.
   A person who can smile honestly
   A person who can hope
   A person who doesn't hate others.
   A person who knows what they want.

****** girl. Just be happy is all I ask.
And I know you will.
Of course I like you, you're you.

Wax lyrical about those other little *****?
With their heads full of arrogance.
With their hearts full of lies.
With their fists full of misplaced angst.
With their smirks full of "Told you So"

Who am I?

I've walked away from Omelas
They've tied the ******* albatross to my neck.

Laughter fills the air,
There They Sit with My ******* in the air.
Staring back through that looking glass.
"She hurt you and you meant nothing to her....AGAIN!"

Shouting in the mirror till I fix my tie and walk about.
Shouting out of the mirror until you fix your tie and sob.

Some sort of symmetry in the girl of my dreams.
When she starts dating my brother's drug dealer.
Some sort of empty heart that filled up my chest.
When I realized she'd rather be with him than I.
Some sort of words that get caught in my head.
When he does nothing but be himself.
Some sort of asymmetry in the weight of two people.
When their happiness means more then mine.

Even to me.

nevermind.
I don't want you knowing about me.
I do not want eyes on all this nothing.
I only want those accolades you hand out.
Those sweet murmurs behind useless words.
Anonymity just barely gives a ****.
And
Somehow I care.

I'm going to show you monsters.
Demons, Men, and Beasts.
and where I stand at the in between.

The Age of Heroes and Miracles is done.
Raise your head and bring your own light to the dark.

Watching these people.
Looking at them and only seeing composites of life.
Ideas but no action.
Life but actually none.

"Man, She looked beautiful until I saw what she mistook for it".

I'm 12 stepping this depression.
Wake up and live in the moment.
Sometimes it's one day some times one minute.
Sometimes I dance.
Other nights I can't find the strength to get out from under the bottle.
My struggles won't be visual or even physical.

I look hard at the mirror, into the eye's of my greatest enemy.

Your happiness is a mask
Covering up something fundamentally broken.

                                          I looked at her and smiled softly for the first time that day.

Today like so many days out of my life, I want to **** myself. I want to die. Yes something is wrong with me, I am sad and brittle to my core. Some days I find that the light of the sun is a 100 lb weight on my shoulders just pushing me down. Some days I walk through the city feeling like I am moving through mud.

                                           I closed my eyes smiled genuinely.

Other days I am happy and I don't ask why I just roll with it, Some days the light of the world lifts me up and pulls me forward. Some days this city moves and I pick up my feet to match it.  But every day know that I am hiding nothing, this is who I am.

                                              She hugged me and I hugged her.

Some machines just leave the factory a bit broken.
We can hide it to our best abilities and compensate.

Can't sing? Learn to dance to the heartbeat of the night.
Can't be happy? Learn to make others smile, it'll come.

Like a chasm in the water, like a black rainbow.
Sometimes broke is beautiful.

Happiness and strength come from vulnerability.

To not trust and to not believe in others
well that is not only selfish is it weak
and most damnedly it is cowardly.

I wear my heart on my sleeve
If I cry just know it wasn't because I didn't care.

Somewhere along the line I became lost.
Not so broken that I couldn't walk again.
Just cracked so that I didn't want to.
Life:The beautiful cataclysm.
She became so much for me.
Laying in the ditch seemed so warm.
Time pour over me and washed away my smile.
Moments and the in between blurred.
Before long I was wishing for death.
Wishing that I could stop thinking.

Misery had become my shadow.
My lone companion, that embraced me in the night.

Anger rose up like a wave and
push me into the ground.

Sadness turned inward ate away at me.
The pain of depression on these lips reigned.

Outward implosion I moved toward oblivion.
Look at this Darkness I became.

Life is not about reinventing yourself.
That's the thing about you.
You think you're complete right now.
But every day you ******* away with a new smile.
Beautiful wanderer discover

This is not for you.
I don't know you yet
I don't know that I love you yet.
I don't know the way your smile makes me feel.
I don't know the way the warmth of your touch is so unique.
I don't know that when I'll close my smile you'll hold me.
I don't know when you move your lips you can build worlds.
I don't know that I am un happy now.
I don't know when we first say hello.
I don't know that you'll be my first love.
I don't know that you'll be my last.

I don't know anything.

Look at me and you will not see a Hero.
Smile with me and the Devil I become.
My quieted anger,the smokeless flames.
My breathe is not ragged
My Fists shan't be righteous

But you'll remember me for the kindness.
That you so long ago mistook for my weakness.

Miss me? Mr. Smith

The idea of eternity seems so savagely mundane.
"In the end we'll all just be stories."
Stories hidden away in immortality.
But hey even Gods die and fade.

Carry on my broken smiling diamonds.
Can't be proud of such bloodsoaked glasses.
I'll let us crack away our borrowed souls.
Let justice fall on our drunkedness.  

Put the dark back in the patchwork of my "Me".
Bleed the day please.
Stand with me in this emptiness.
Dance with our shared silence.

I'm not 22, I am 49 years old.
I am older than my father.
I sit alone curmudgeony reading books.
Society frightens me, and I fear change.
I look out the window into the day and shiver.
The temperature means nothing.
The sun hasn't touched my flesh in a month.
Let's let these letters slide into nothing...

They can't see me and I can't see them.
Hidden away under the nothing-lights.
Close my eyes to dream.
I see through the world and poetry.
I can see them, and my Demons stare at me.

My chest is being pulled till it creaks.
Colors leave the lines and fear takes it place.
Retreat now if only I hadn't lost my feet.
My armor turned to snow, Cold,Soft, and Breakable.

Open my eyes and I can't see a thing.
But I know they're staring back at me.

Given to hours just two alone
I find my way far gone.
I visit a world of alone emptiness.
No comforts just lack of dis-

When I return,
I look at loved ones like strangers.
Forgetting names and myself.
I smile more but care less.

My life of thunder slides away.
In it cracks the sound of nothing.
No futures, no pain, and just those eyes.
They peer soft as fire and hard as time.

If Love is a crown, her smile a kingdom.

Like a simile to start a poem
I can say I did but never tried.  
Took a jump but never a dive.
Just Flittering around
The same ripped up page.
Lights did they dance or sing?
Maybe a lockstep and a drum beat.
Tomorrow is become a prison.
There's no crime in being lonely.

I'm swearing through my teeth.
Screaming "I am the King"
To these ******* machines.
Going till my palms bleed.

I like writing poetry.
I can be vague and hide in hyperbole.
When I am honest as ******* won't know.
Getting **** off my chest.
Suffocating under this freedom.
It's like a plastic knife to my heart.
That was a simile,
The salad dish at the poetic dinner table.
Metaphors are fun like fries but just as filling.
**** this is weird...*Save Poem

I put my hand on the ocean and the other on your heart.
I closed my eyes and I swear I couldn't tell them apart.

You feel so amazing moving between my fingers.
So light and cool to touch like a breeze off the night.
You move like a knife through water.
I press you to my lips when you make me laugh.
I want to forever carry you above my heart.
I love you dear friend please don't ever break.
If you break that would break me.
I want to say I won't but I will try to replace you.
If I do, know you were always my favorite pen.

Days fall by untouched and piling up.
Eyes unclouded by the feel of air.
"Hope" begins to rot away the nights.
Smiles switch and shine.
A light brought to the darkness, glows.
Future unplotted but still there.
Therapy in the wild and unruly.

She smiled in an amazing way.
It was a miracle when she did it.
It made her already beautiful face even more.
Man, I hope she shines when I am not looking.
I pray she laughs when she's alone every so often.
I wish she would and I want to say hello.
Nah, Let's not corrupt the beautiful with the real.

See ya,
Nameless amazing girl.
Please be great.

Coffee in the morni...afternoons to wake up.
Fingers glide across this glass like the wind.
Head slow but heart is lightly full of hope.
Words try to match but all I said over and over..
I kept saying the word, "Cool".
My mind is rotting with the things I put in my body.
My mind is rotting without the things my body needs.
I kind of miss the days I got to spend screaming.
I definitely miss the ones I got to smile.
Now only imitation laughter spills from my mouth.
I want to feel again, I want be ..."happy".
I am again like ever before, "Post-Love"

..Medicine in the mornings to get to sleep.

All day the idea danced in my head, Death could flow in like nothing. I could cease and in that maybe my head would stop hurting and my soul stop bleeding over my eyes. She ...HER, it doesn't seem fair that a young girl slipped into my heart and stomped out my fires as it they were nothing. She is cold and toyed with me as if I were a simile meant to be used and discarded. She wanted me to stay, and I would have. I wanted to be around her and let her **** everything about me that I thought I held dear. I wanted that, but I tried killing myself and other people intervened. My family traveled across the country and carried me home. I cried the entire way home. I bawled and screamed. HER, she hurts me still. I want to see her smile, and I know that she damages me. I want to say I am getting better each day that I am home, but its not true, each day I become number than the day before. I am shutting everything out and it is scaring me. The healthy things that used to bring me joy are becoming mundane activities.

I screamed at the moon and the stars the other night until my voice went, then I pounded my fists into the ground until I woke up face down. I am losing so much and I hate that I still love that girl. I would do anything for her. and because of that I am afraid I will not ever be whole again. I fell down this ****** rabbit hole called "love" and it left me battered and shattered. This isn't really a poem, But I wanted some people to know what I am going through even if you are only strangers on the internet. RIGHT now, this page is all I have. I love you for reading this far. and I am sorry this isn't a poem.

I was running yesterday
Just threading the needle of pain with focus.
Each mouthful of the day dragged me forward.
Each day that swam by pulled me.
At the end I was living just step to step.
Everything hurt in such a magnificent way.
I smiled for the first time in a while.
and I looked over at the eyes.
I saw you standing there.
You watched me saunter on.
Then you ran with me.
I tried keeping up with you.
Then I watched you bound away.
I smiled again and laughed.
Yesterday I ran with a deer.

When she said those words.
I broke, for truly.
She choose someone over me.
And I could feel her breath on my face.
She was so close and ..so so very cold.
My soul fell from me to the dirt.
I felt so cold I thought I had died.
My eyes glossed over and I lost my air.
I felt cold and empty
As if no warmth had ever touched me.
My vision faded grey then turned black.

When I came back, she was still inches from me.
But I only wanted one thing, I wanted to die.

Words blur into pictures and sound fades.
(Can't you be sober for this?)
Heavy moved the air from the lungs.
Found my feet at the ends of my legs.
Movement seems a ways in time.
Hands turned into little ***** of death.
(Wait wait...you're not....him)
Bang Bang shouted the heart.
Heart beat like a phone book in a dryer.
Blackness took up the night and..
(Hey?! Who are you?)

Death has followed me home.
Standing just at the edge of my vision.
Walking near me but never with me.
Silently and subtly you've become my companion.

The fire in my soul has ceased giving you reign.
Cold has come over my entirety.
A stillness that makes me uneasy.
A black deeper than the night.

I can't feel my hands
I can't face the light.
I can't focus my eyes.
I can't seem to feel my breath.

So easy to let it slide away from me.
So simple to concede this war.
So elegant to become nothing again.
So amazing to fade away.







I won't do that though.  

There are people I want to see smile for at least a life time more.
There is a woman I love and I want to be near.
There is a man I want to break.
Selfishly I'll keep on moving.

I'll trudge on because there is still so much I've got to do.

Passing notes across the country.
Sending each other silence just to care.
You're goofy as ****
I can't describe you in so many words.
What you are is my friend and I love ya for it.

(Let's stand outside of time as you tell me I'll be fine. )

I was told my worst habit is giving people my heart
before I knew anything of their character.
When trying to break this "Habit",
I found myself saying nothing.

I found myself miles and miles away from home.
In a field of green
I saw a tree with blood red leaves.
In the midst of all the crowded emptiness
I stared at me.
I blinked hard and moved toward nowhere.
I tasted my breath and remembered my drive...

an unmatched savagery

I did a lot of screaming today,






                                                                                                                            Said the Heart.

I want to be near her.
I left my heart with her.
It's calling me
This pain would wash away if I returned.
This pain would sync with the wind and flee.
My heart longs for my body.
I miss her and every seconds tears me apart.

The colors left the lines and danced across my face.
Pain filled the warmth and turned the world cold.
I fell inward toward the eternity that once was my soul.

(I fell in love with her... and she didn't do the same.)

I screamed until my voice broke and then I cried until I ran dry.
She chose someone else and asked me to stay.
I would and I could, but my soul would break.
I hope she is happy maybe she'll be happier without me.
I pray she smiles everyday.
I pray she is happy before I go to sleep.
I pray she is happy When I try to wake.

Panic-y breathes I am grasping for air.
Fingers breathing in her hair.

Thunderstorms and chilling flames.
She says my name and Everything else
I say her name and the Truth.

Her soul dances against mine

(Ba dum Ba dum)

Times moves in synch with her smile.
The sun holds its breath each night in the darkness.

Happiness I thought I held in my hand the way my skin felt.
The emptiness of life fell away but I was believing a sort of lie.
The fish don't know they're in water and they life.
She pulled me out of the pond and my world grew.
In her hands I died and in her breath I was reborn.

I pray the gardener cuts that flower.
I wish for it to died and its beauty to cease.
I want to hold it in my hand just for a moment.
And for that I wish for its pain.
I don't want anyone to look upon "my" flower.
Selfishly I am in love.

I am going to stand here and say I am sorry first off.
Sorry that I don't have the courage to tell you I like you.
Sorry that because the stars aren't aligning that I am complacent.
Sorry That I am the sort of ******* to let you be with someone not me.
Sorry about ...well sorry about me my lacking of character is showing.

You ever just get so angry
that tears fill your eyes and tomorrow seems so far away that you sink


to the bottom of a well of being un well.

Drowning and people are just showing you pictures of air as if to offer some comfort. One day I'd like to not know what I am talking about.

Maybe the knowledge of life isn't meant to breathe air into our souls but to slowly take it away.

I am ******* weird.
Last night I dreamt I fell in love with a girl and she looked through me and smiled at my empty heart.
She kissed my cold breath and drank in the self loathing "what the ****"-ness of my ego. She lead me by the hand in the moments I forgot I was a drug dealer on the run from God and the empty softness of saying "I love you" in drunk english.
I was beast screaming at monsters and running with demons.
The girl got lost in the snow and I Who sought happiness died alone with only the sun to mourn my damp flickering life.

Be brave to allow yourself hope.

I want to hold her hand
And take her to the world
I want to break her self doubt
with the truth of her smile
I want to hold her heart
and just watch her soar
I want her and
I want her know to this

One day this hope will die
with having been realized.

Friday afternoon and there she stood. Her phone in one hand and my breathe in the other. She glowed and made me think creator had placed an angel on this earth for me, for at least today.
Her and me, we drove around for a little bit like two fools...maybe I was just the fool. I couldn't look at her for too long without her eye meeting mine and I'd blush (which is nice and new).

Her eyes looked as if I was staring into two explosions of brown inside green that had been stilled in time and placed here to bless any person who had the chance to hold that lovely gaze.

After walking around the river and talking for a few little hours, I know I meet someone who other men would write songs for. Her elegance made me wonder what sort of person could even think of harming her in any way.

You know, I could use all the fancy words and phrases now, but let me tell you this. When I was next to her just listening to her voice, smiling with her smile, or looking as her eyes lit up that edge of the bench...the only word tumbling through my head was "...wow".

It's a good thing she had to leave, if she hadn't I would have sat there on that bench with her for the rest of my life. We would have new presidents, empires would have risen and fall, the Avenger 2 would have come out and I would still be sitting there smiling and blushing every time she said my name.

Away I've taken to the streets moving to the rhythm of my heart.
The sun sets and under the darkness I feel at home all alone.

Thump thump thump

Taking a drag from this bottle of wine and nothing sings like my fists.
weeping and roaring, look at that moon andswaying to the motion.

Thump thump

Now times running out and I want to hold your hand, I'd settle for a word.
My feet moved and I don't remember how but now we're on a bench looking at waves.

thump

One in the afternoon and I peel myself away from the staring match with my eyelids.
I hear one words and my day is made, She says "Tomorrow?"

How do you tell your friends, "Hey I'm having a panic attack"
I don't know they asked when I went and I just told them "Cigarette".
Sat by the river in the drizzle and had a nice long cry.
Screamed at the emptiness, "You made me this broken! For what?"
Nothing to throw so I threw my head back and sighed.
Looked at my phone and thought about the time...where'd it go?
I lost a dozen minutes and can't find my shoes.
Maybe I'm truly drunk on this sobriety, and ****** with self righteousness.
"Someone pick up their phone. I'm scared and alone!"
The drunk man stumbling by looks at me and hides his eyes.
Looking at that flowing water, just stopping the thoughts.

I do hope sometime someone tells her she's beautiful, she is.
Adrenaline ****** with some a cute anxiety.  
When I read her words her face always says "duh".
She conveyed tone in words with no sound, amazing.
Her heart is skipping beats just keeping up with her feet.
She likes Doctor Who and Violent movies, and ****
I haven't heard her voice but I bet she talks almost as quick as me.
She made me blush when she said, "You're not an idiot".
She fell in love with a bat who thought herself a bird, and wonderful.
I never had a clue of how much she liked her some Blue too.
A silvery Dee block element with a penchant for sarcastic remarks.
I don't know I just find her quite lovely, and beguiling