i have no refuge in my sleep
my dreams are no sanctuary
but waking up provides no relief.
i no longer know what to believe
and i have no refuge in my sleep.
sometimes i lie awake
terrified to slip away
other nights i let it fade to black
and beg the nightmares to take me back
in my mindscape, i see you and me
and sometimes that makes it hard to breathe
sometimes i drag myself out of dreams too deep
and wake up panting and trembling
and in the real world, i find no relief
but i have no refuge in my sleep.

i'm so tired but i can't sleep
so hungry but i can't eat
so restless but i wanna die
so sad but i can't cry

i'm so sick of staring at a screen
sick of no one hearing my screams
i'm so weak but i act tough
pretend that i am enough

i'm so scared of my own thoughts
scrutinizing everything i'm not
reminding me to lose some weight
the ***** leaves a bitter aftertaste

i'm so empty but i'm still here
so broken by my own fears
so hollow and i know it
so dull, but no one noticed

in my dreams, you say "i'm not the one"
but if i could've been saved by anyone
it would've been you
and i don't want to say the truth
i dont want that guilt to live with you
so if you somehow find this, nathan
just know you were my friend
and i loved you till the end
and it's okay if you don't feel the same
i promise it's okay
i know i didn't really know you
but i really, really wanted to
and i'm sorry we ran out of time
i'm sorry you'll never be mine

i don't find myself afraid of death
or of drawing my final breath
i don't want to die, yet i know i must
and pray that i am not turned to dust
and that's what scares me in the end.
the thought of eternal punishment;
or the idea that maybe there is no afterlife
and that i've been raised on yet another lie.

when i die
could you plant a willow in my eye?
and tell Ever, Kaleigh and Rye
that i'm sorry but they're far stronger than i

and when i go
could you bury me in the garden patch?
where i watched a baby spider hatch?
and where the raspberries don't grow

cause when i'm gone,
i'd like to be a weeping willow tree
would your grandkids come and visit me
and close their eyes and feel the breeze?
i don't want to be lonely

and when i'm down just three feet under
(since i was never really whole)
and you won't see me any longer
since i won't get a funeral
don't visit on my birthday and don't come cry at my grave
i don't want you stuck on guilt for somebody you couldn't save
just think fondly on the memories that we made

so, when i die
could you sprinkle dandelion seeds over my scars?
and take good care of my ****** car?
and don't let dust collect on my guitar

and when i go
just tell Nathan he was funny
and tell Wyatt that he's sweet
and Josiah that he's kinder than he seems
and to Audel, i hope your truck gets fixed
and thanks for everything you did
even on my worst days, you didn't leave
and you'll never know just how much that meant to me

and i don't know if i believe in God
but i'm looking for him everywhere
i just want something to trust in once i'm gone
i almost want someone to tell me to hold on, but for how long?
i think i'm tired of holding on
i think i'm done

when i leave
don't tell Lydia what i did
just say i went on a long trip
i don't want her to see the real world for many more years still
tell Theo that i'm proud of him
and tell Lori she's a *****
and Franny that I never blamed her for being the favorite

and when i die
i'm sorry if i make you cry
i'm sorry if you're angry or you're sad
just know i lived the life i had
and i hope i didn't do too bad
and i hope i left this world a little glad

so, when i'm dead
please plant a ring of rosethorns round my head
and make sure my cats are loved and fed
and don't water my grave with tears that you shed

because when i'm down just three feet under
since i was only half a soul
i don't want a shoddy gravestone that'll crumble when it's old
turn me into a willow, seriously
and let kids climb up into my leaves
and if you must sell the property
just tell them that beneath the roots is me
and i'd appreciate it if they let me keep standing

so. when i leave
and when i am just three feet deep
and when you cannot fall asleep
just come visit the willow tree
not for guilt and not for peace
just come visit the willow tree
and together we can be lonely
just come and visit me.

they said, "achilles, come down"
but i feel safer up here
knowing that i'm in control of my fear
up on this roof where nothing can reach me
hiding my face so no one can see me
they said, "don't fly to the sun"
but i burned up my wings
cutting my hands on all my broken things
lines of vermillion across palms, wrists, thighs
a midas touch of gold as every piece of me dies
some myths stay in your head
some legends ring true
sometimes i just want to forget about you