I know we are not on talking terms right now
because of some of the things you said
because of some of the things I said
I love you with all that I have
But I am unable to talk to you
It hurts
But I cant tell you that
I am sorry
But I cant tell you that either
You wont even look at me
I am not sure how to act around you
Instead I am sitting here trying to rationalize all of this
Anger in normal
Stress is normal
Reflection is important and needed
But this hurt
A lot!

Maybe no one told you about me
I am not sorry I didn’t come with a warning or a price tag
I wont make things easy for you
I cant be persuaded like the others
I am not really searching for anything
So pursue me only if you like challenges and can deal with the consequences
No two days will be the same when you are around me
I don’t like a chase
Or cat and mouse games
It doesn’t satisfy the appetite or any of my needs
So just be honest with me at all times
Cheap words will not get me to look your way
Flashy cars, brand name clothing and unnecessary flash bores me to death
It just occupies space
Rules are fine
I can follow them most of the time
I can be a good person too
But maybe I am bad for you…

My heart breaks every day
It aches just a little more
but no one can hear it
nor feel it
He goes on with his day
I go on with mine

I don’t have much too give you
Certainly not love
Maybe companionship at best
Love died with the last guy
Rest in peace
Should I be angry about this?
I’m not
Things were different
Life was different
Eventful and full of colour
He could make me smile as soon as my tears dried up
It doesn’t matter what I had been crying up
He could inject passion in one lonely moment
Strong enough to be felt
Sweet enough to savor
I would worry about him more then I worried about myself
My happiness stretched as far as his smile did
A thin one that would reach both of his ears
Sometimes that was enough to be make a bad day seem all good again
I will admit that he did funny things too my lips
They smiled on their own
I smiled more then usual and forget about my own insecurities
My big eyes that take in the whole world in one glance
My not so perfect teeth
My strange gait
It would all be forgotten, momentarily
He held on to me like the prettiest flower in the bouquet
vowed to never let me fall
But that never really stuck
Blows to the mind
Blows to the heart
I don’t know which one was more fragile, but I did my best to mend it
The love was still there
Until one day it got snatched away
I was handed back my own empty heart
three sizes too small
Beaten up and worn out
Artfully stitched up all over the place
It was mine to keep
I didn’t know what to do with it
It continued to beat
Then bleed
Every time I thought about him
Whenever my mind refused to go ahead with the day
I still think about him
But Now I am able to smile a little bit
Is that progress?
Indifference?
I will never know
But I think I will hold on to my little heart
That is three sizes too small

I am getting tired of these mini heart attacks
I know I forget
But this is becoming ridiculous
I loose it when I least expect it
On an important day
Or in really bad weather
But definatly on a monthly basis
I do too many things at once
That wont change
But I don’t know how I loose sight of it so quickly
Its incased in a cherry red mess
With a super bright screen saver
Password protected
Comes with its on magnet, power bank and dock
But I still manage to forget where I last put
Or saw it
I instantly forget the rushing feeling of panic
The dread and the grief
Scold myself a billion and one times for having such a lousy memory
Not being able to stay put
But this gets on my nerves
Its scary to think how dependant I have become
How much of my life depends on just 10 little digits

Maybe everyone has one of these
tucked away inside yellowed pages of a leather bound book
with a thin marker that slithers about like a snake's tongue
All the names must be written in red ink for authencity
and details like eye colour, height and home address are very important
I know what I saw in Grammy's pocket book yesterday
I didn't mean too
but the bag just fell from my hands and small book spilled out
she wrote everything in small tiny cursive letters in that school teacher-like handwriting of hers
with the help of a black ball point pen
I did not find any pictures or strands of hair
evidence!
but who could possibly have a problem with her gentle and friendly presence?
It boggles my mind
here is a old but young lady that is an active member of the community
not a day over 50 and no grey hair to worry about
she is an award winning pastry chef, who can still beat everyone at poker and has a mean green thumb
I know I am rambling but this just doesn't make any sense
I bet dad doesn't even know anything
or...
maybe this is part of a big family secret
could she be part of a gang?
have millions stashed away somewhere
send baked goods to different locations with just a little something extra in them?
have enemies from way before I was born?
I don't know
But I have so many questions to ask her
how do I do it?
She has baked my favorite brownies today and promised that we would go out to see a play later in the evening

I am not suppose to be waiting up for you
not when there is a million other things to do

I am not suppose to waiting by the phone
wishing you would call
wishing that you would just give me the chance to talk
explain my side of the story

I am not suppose to be feeling this ****** and down
when you messed up

I am not suppose to just feel alright
forget about what happened the other day
smile and ****** up those roses
and plant a big kiss on your cheek

I am not suppose to light up
after waiting all day on you
to get back to me

I am not suppose to let everything slide
because you had an extra hard day and cant think straight

I am not suppose to pretend that everything is ok
when my face looks like hell and make up aint helping

I am not suppose to get past something that meant a lot to me
and smile at you because you forgot

I am not suppose to keep everything inside
and calm the hell down when there is company around

I am not suppose to stand around while you charm everybody else acting like you have all your **** together
when we both know that there is less 20$ in the bank

I am not suppose to be quiet as the tall men come in my house
ready to repo every **** thing in sight because you were a little late paying the bills and lying to me about how you have everything in control

I am not suppose to mopping floors, cleaning up after rude customers and working 10 hour shifts when there will soon be somebody else to think about

But what to do.. I am in love