Leaving Town

Thank you for all the time you spent with me
It was unexpected, and generous
Reminising about the past
Thinking about the future
Making peace
Finding some form of closure
Finding the strength to move on

I am not sure from what exactly
Thinking about you
The memories of us
The wasted time
The wasted energy
I am past it, I think

Flinching away from the shrapnel of dreans and goals
Talking to you was no easy talk
It took all I had to look into your eyes as you sat across me and not judge you
Understand you and forgive you
It took all I had to sit there as if it were nothing and simply talk without letting old feelings cloud my judgement
Speak my mind!
Be tougjh and firm with my words!
But I faltered…

It took all I had to not want to feel the familiar warmth of your hands brush against my cheeks like old times
We didn’t order Bumblerry pie and Ale that day
The coffee become stale and people buzzed around us
But I only had eyes for you
I looked at you so intently until I could look no more
The tears came minutes later like clockwork
I could not stop it
I do not know why
My revolve melted away
Maybe it was due to your voice
The soothing gestures
The new found kindness in your eyes
The humble behavior towards me

I know you will always be my weakness
But I didn’t deserve this
To feel broken all over again

He is tall and speaks in riddles
He is short, curious and very optimistic
He is quiet, withdrawn but very pure
He is fair, smiley and carefree
He is nice and respects everyone along the way
He is well educated quiet and always calm
He is good looking and comes from an influential family
He is fun flirty and very charming
He is smart, an intellectual and loves books
He loves school and is a champ when it comes to sports
He can cook and juggle and paint
He loves food, fine wine and has great taste in music
He loves traveling and exploring
He is handsome artistic and very frugal
He is kind, compassionate and very forgiving
He is funny, dramatic and very generous

I have seen many men come and go
None of it works out in the end
Maybe its me
Maybe my heart is just not in the right place right now
But I always do the same thing
I always look for you in everyone else

You never showed up and never bothered telling me why either
yes we are busy you more so then I but that's no reason to suddenly ghost me
It was raining and I had no umbrella
it got cold but I wore my very best
This meant something to me so I waited
For hours on end
I was not sure what would happen the moment I saw you
what we would talk about and if there would any awkward moments between us
But I still waited
Isn't it easy how quickly someone can wipe the smile of our face?
Turn hope into disappointment?
Anger into annoyance which spills onto the next day?
I am not sure if I am over-reacting here but that one's one me
I always thought you were special

The room is bare the closet empty
When you left you took everything with you
My heart as well
In exchange you left behind a tiny piece of you
Your scent
It lingers
On my clothes, sheets and skin
I cant bring myself to throw any of it away
I bring them close to my face and with my eyes closed I can still see everything you sitting crossed legged in bed or lying perfectly still every day you got upset
You smelled like oranges and vanilla, cherries and *** and something else I was never able to figure
Whatever it was its still there and the smell of you is everywhere
It has filled up every single room in this small apartment
I wish I had been careful
I always wanted more then you were ready to give
Maybe that’s why you left
With no trail behind
You were mesmerizing
Absolutely intoxicating but I know I will never able to replicate that smell
I have gone through bottles
Light, Airy, Citrusy, Sensual, Sickly Sweet, Floral
Its nice but its not you
Not even close
I sit here now clutching your favorite polo to my chest
Clutching to memories
The scent has already started to fade
Soon it will be gone
You will be gone
Forever

Nice Dress
Nice Tie
I just hope this works out
Tonight

I am so very confused right now
I don’t know if I should hold on or let go
I don’t believe in signs
I believe in second chances, but the outcome is usually the same
I get hurt
He may hurt but never shows it
I wish I knew how to do that
Why do we all want the things we cannot have
Why can’t this be enough
knowing that things have changed
We have changed
We have grown up
Time has passed
But something still feels the same
The same old sadness when you leave
The same old panic when you avoid me
The same old anger when you go on asking too many questions
Apologies aren’t enough
The words are stale
The sincerity comes off sounding phony
So whats left?

Its Friday night
No date
But I was really hoping he would call to say hello
Guess he forgot
His loss
I was really in the mood for lobster tails and crème Brulee
Good thing dads a chef