Piles and piles
Tears and years
My soul represented through colors
Paintings
Ever since I was 6
It's all right Infront of me

Going through the basket
Remembering what I felt when painting this or that
Seeing myself get better and better
From scribbles
To, well, better scribbles
With detail
And color
Both have feeling

Sometimes I forget when I painted something
But I can tell from what I did
From the shapes and colors
That bled from my brush
Or my hand
Or anything I found fit

One basket
Holds my story

One basket
Showing the real me

One basket
Showing how I've been changing

And I went through it
Wow
What a journey

My dad asks me
Why I don't want to go eat out with him

I want to say
"Do you not know?"

I say
"Because I can't leave if I want to"
Which is also true

Then he starts arguing with me
Yelling
Crying
Manipulating

So I say
"You know
What's great about
Phone calls?
...
There's a big
Beautiful red button
That makes them end"

Then I proceeded to use it

Felt good

I’m not fragile
I’ve just been broken
So many times before
That the glue is unable to hold.
I’m not fragile, am i?

I was planning to
I really wanted to
I wanted her to know
I wanted to be able to tell her
About why I bleed
And about my father
But my mouths betrays me
It refuses to say these things outloud
Why?

Just say it
I tell myself
You describe it so well in your head
Why can't you speak it?
Why did you stay silent?

Now the moment is over
Once again
You said nothing
And still
No one knows

Not even your closest of friends
Why?
You want them to know
You want to lighten the load
They can speak it so well outloud
They trusted me
Why can't I trust them?
I can
But I won't

Tears roll down my cheeks
She's asleep
She doesn't see
And if she would
I wouldn't even be able to tell her why
How sad is that?

Die
Hmm
Am I putting it in this poem just so it will ryme?
Or because that's what I want to do
But no
I don't
I can't
And I won't
I shouldn't let myself think such thoughts

I missed my chance to be open
I missed my chance to Infront of people
For what feels like the first time in a long time
I missed my chance to show them
All the reasons why
Because my mouth can't express
All that I need to express
Like poetry

Let's just say
I opened my heart
I would smell the anxiety
Fear
Love
Pain

But I wonder
If anyone else would
But I think not
Because when it was closed
No one cared
Or wondered what's really going on in there

So now what now?
It just gets hurt more easily?
I don't need any more of that

I stitch it back up
Now the air smells of nothing important
Fake smiles
"I'm okay"'s
Covered up opinions
Feelings
Screams

I guess it's better that way

Hello brain, where are you going?
No one knows, your bruises are showing.
Don't complain, it's easy living.
I'm now in vain, self fulfilling.

Lets move along, it ain't so tricky,
Settle yourself easy.
Rest.

I may not know
What will happen to tomorrow
But I know
That someone is laughing now
That someone is sobbing now
And that I wish I could do either

I may not know
What to say always
But I know
That I was once younger
And that every second I am getting older

I may not know
If I'll die tomorrow
But I know
That someone will live

I may not know
Who will cry tomorrow
But I am certain
That someone will
And I hope
That the love I send them
That they don't know I'm sending them
Will go through

I may not know if they feel it
But I know that I hope the impossible things
I send strangers
Will go through
And I know
And that when I remember
I'll take it from the stranger who doesn't know that I know
Just in case