She wakes up,
In a mood so great.
Starts her day.
And as it goes on,
It goes down.
The year that
Has gone so great,
Ending in a fate
She’d not expected.
She cries.
The hill
Goes down.
So does she.
Then theres another hill.
She stands up
Ready to strive again.
And again.
And again.
More hills come.
Falls.
This time
She doesnt want to get up anymore.
This wave hit sideway
And now shes sick of it.
The world slapped her and said
“Worthless”, “useless.”
She sleeps,
She wakes up.
She eats she sleeps.
Lays there,
For days
For weeks. Years go by.
She stands up.
This time to meet with a mirror,
And she hates it.
She wears a mask
To cover the mess
In the bed shes made
But it didnt go away.
And she acts okay,
And forgets about
This hole shes made.
She grabs her shovel,
She starts digging.
She keeps digging.
And one day
She trips.
Again.
She falls.
But doesn't let her mask fall off.
Shes too tough now for it.
Without letting a tear slip,
She crawls out of her hole.
When shes out,
The world kicks her back down.
And she fights,
But her pits grown deeper.
she's drowning in her fake faces.
She tries to fight
And she climbs
And crawls and claws
At the surface
Screaming to want out of her own
Deep pit of darkness.
She lets a tear slip.
Water comes,
her mask falls.
she's her again,
Broken and shattered to pieces.
A hand reaches,
To help her.
She stands up.
Staring down at her pit,
She turns around.
He is there.
He says,
“You've dug your hole, you've done your deed. Now it is time for me to work mine.”
After all this time, she smiles.
And she starts walking.

it feels like,
life
is of 3 three things.
You get hurt,
and they walk away fine.
they get hurt,
and you walk away guilty.
or occasionally,
not common.
and rarely to ever happen,
you both,
walk away forcefully
knowing that you both have torn each other's heart
apart.
knowing that you truly want to be together,
but it's not worth It.
and now you both, are hurting.

Dear pennsilvania.
I miss you so,
so much.
like Juliet and Romio
we were so close.
and so much that I cannot
bare to say your name.
so I will only speak of you
as where you are from.
Dear pennsylvania,
I miss you,
because I didn't have to make you up in my head.
Dear ennsylvania.

i turn around
and He is there with me
every step of the way.
i turn around
and I fall
into His arms.
i turn around
and as I cry
He holds me.
i turn around
with my hand in His,
I turn around
and He guides me.
as I follow,
because that is His love.
His care, His joy, His peace.
and that
is my faithfulness,
knowing that He will never leave.
so I turn around
and He smiles.
knowing that I know
He is faithful,
and so am i.

I speak of what I've learned,
but I tell no one of the journey,
the mistakes
to be where I am now.
I tell no one.
but I will tell you, this paper.
When I was a child
I repetitively watched my father
beat what looked as future me.
who I wanted to be.
my mother.
but as I grew older,
I realized that is the opposite of who I would become.
I watched my dad get drunk.
he put this label on himself
that my family couldn't bare.
something I couldn't understand.
achohlic.
But seeing myself now, not even an adult yet.
and still, I have before been consumed
by alcohol, and chosen toxicity over purity.
let someone lay hands on me
knowing that all my father has done
is teach me that I am no less than,
a princess.
yet he also taught me
that laying hands on someone you love is okay.
my mom taught me that staying silent is what
we're good at, told me that someday
shed be my hero. she never was.
she taught me that how to cope is to
move from 10 different guys in 10 days.
I have watched myself turn into the people I told myself
I'd never be.
but now this is me.
my dad is no longer addicted, nor is he abusive.
but the scars are still there.
and my mom is finally in a good relationship,
but because of all that I went through,
I will never let someone raise their tone with her.
and when people like to state "if you weren't hit, its okay."
but in reality, it will leave more bruises on you than those who were hit.
because still, my dad is somehow,
my hero.
and for that, I will never forgive myself.
I will never be the same.