Stuck in this middle ground
With senses never heard about
Not knowing how to express
All that needs to be said
Being guided by an emptiness
Like I'm the ******* walking dead
People seem to like me
Without knowing what's behind my eyes
But things aren't fine, how can they be
I don't know why I am this shy
I can't fake it anymore
I've had enough, who is taking score
Doesn't matter, I've likely lost
This happy feeling I once sought.

if I had only known then
what I seem to know now
but I kept spinning around
in stupid circles
you would think I knew better
and maybe I did
still trying to find
the motivation
the drive
I'm clueless as to why
I must like pain more than I realize
down
I keep spiraling down
but the dark doesn't hurt
as much as it used to
I don't cry about things anymore
I'm empty
firing blanks
my reflection is a stranger
glancing for too long
it becomes broken and ******
there is no turning back
can't even pretend to
even if I wanted to
my self is abandoned
and this new shell has replaced
everything I thought I knew
I guess they were just lies
no solid ground to stand on
how am I still alive
when I finally find something to believe
then I turn the corner
and like a slap in the face
sometimes an actual punch
telling me every single thing I have learned
is wrong
is chaos
when all you have is yourself
but your self
is gone
taking things at face value
is a trait I now have lost
nothing is what it seems
simplicity is fallacy
as much as my heart pounds for it
it will never be
so all I have
are those moments
just those small moments
in time
flashes of light
soft skin
sleepy smiles
glances of appreciation
fingers running through my hair
toes in the sand
fuzzy blankets
breeze that brings lavender
creaky stairs
candlelight
twinkling stars
but I can never relax
I am never safe.

A smile kisses my lips
as the darkness disappears
another endless night has faded
hours lost with lack of sleep
I tremble with anticipation
as my heart burns with inspiration
of so many others that have come before me
my skin humming with the beautiful notion
of their passion and devotion
my blood set ablaze
something is awakening within me
so far inside I had feared it was almost forgotten
but the dawn of each new day keeps trying to explain
all the many reasons I am here in the now
if you were to catch me in this fleeting quiet
there is nothing I would hide
I would bare all that lay inside
if you were to pay attention
this moment holds perfection
with its entirety of the unique
perched atop my hidden corner of my world
seeing nothing but knowing all
praying with the aching desire
to only keep getting higher and higher
to climb with worn hands
the rocky mountainside
to dance with bare feet
in the frisky river waters
with my days of sobbing on the bathroom floor
far enough behind me only to see a faint outline
tracing with my fingertips of aftershock
the bits of ridicule and criticism popping up
just as quickly fading to black
and instead of being riddled with tiny little holes
stealing that pain
making a statement
taking a stand
I notice all that has made and kept me strong
for so very long kept in the background
my heartbeats pounds with the bass boom boom
all of a sudden the syncopation hits the room
the terror comes in waves so strong
shivers send electric static currents up my spine
as if for one split second
not one atom around me is the same
almost dreamlike comes the realization
that I have always been
painting, writing, sculpting, singing, building

my very own reality........