I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

The city burned with a fire
I felt consumed by it
I found you with your dark eyes
your smile
your kindness
we stood
sat
on your porch
I felt loved
I felt alive
I felt seen
I felt whole
we went on that date
I felt like you saw my soul
I felt taken
I felt whole
I miss you
I miss you so much

You asked me what's wrong
you looked at my face
really looked at me
you said I am so sorry
you said
would you like a hug
I nodded
you hugged me and pulled me so close
I felt your heart beating
I never wanted the moment to stop
and that's when I realized
how lonely and
starved for touch I am
when I see other people my age
having friends
and relationships
and having adult jobs
I cry inside
my soul starves inside
asking
how long
until its my turn?
when will it be my turn??
Its been so hard for me to ask for what I want
for I feel so starved for affection
but I told my friend to
respect me and my time
for if I don't care for myself
how can anyone else truly care for me?
true love
true care
is not being treated as a second option
its not someone calling you out of guilt
its not someone stepping on your boundaries
apologizing
and than doing it again
its not making someone wait for you all the time.

I am still waiting for it to be my turn
but I am learning to choose myself first.
as painful and as hard as that is
to be truly alone
in this world.

For not many I think
truly care for me at the moment.

It hurts so much!

I think I have lived my whole life
with an open bleeding broken heart.

I cope with music and with art.

I feel so behind everyone else in life.

Now when its war time
I can't help but feel,
now everyone knows how it feels
to live
with so much trauma.

Still I don't want pity
I want healthy connections
and a meaningful life
filled with so many beautiful safe adventures
I will never ever give up .

Today and the past 2.5 weeks
all I feel is numb
frozen
chaotic
with moments and days of normalcy
all linked in between
I don't know what happened to her
at that party
that hamas came to
and massacred
I don't know if she is ***** and shot somewhere in some valley
lying there unidentified
I don't know if she is in gaza right now being tortured
and ***** as a *** slave
I don't know
I am so scared to let my mind go to bad places
my mind feels heavy
my heart feels numb
imagining all the children and babies
and the hell they must be living through,
and all of the people
online
justifying terror
I feel sick numb and raw
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to think
it hurts to even move sometimes
everyone around me
tries to smile
but everyone feels terrified
for we all know someone
who is either missing
dead killed or *****
or tortured
or all four of those things
I used to live there
I used to walk those streets
that now have death marked upon them
I used to be in a moshav
that is now marked with terror
I feel so afraid sad calm
and scared
I don't know what to do
I don't know if she is okay
I don't know when I will be okay.

I learnt today that my anger
that I have repressed my whole life
is a power a strength
and I don't need to supress it my whole life
I have lived in trauma responses
so lost never finding myself
losing myself
in so many addictions
escapisim
now I see at the core root of all of this
was all of my anger
from all of the abuse and horrible things
that I have endured
its time to face the anger inside of me
allow it to express
allow myself to be set free
the time has come
I have realized that so many things are my choice
its my choice if i choose to do things that depress me
its my choice if I choose to supress my feelings
noone can save you
if you choose to not save yourself!

I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.