Crying for all of the years of my whole life
where I couldn't cry
where I was so numb
since I was still such a baby
where I would cry and noone would come to comfort me
the other day I held the baby in my arms balling and crying
and I tried so hard to be patient with her ,
to hug her to have her laugh
it felt like my inner baby,
felt so comforted so alive
for the first time.
When I am with little children
I see my inner child
smiling back at me,
telling me good job
your finally starting to look at me
to remember our story,
because I though you had forgotten about me
I cry as I hold my own hand
over my heart,
I cried looking at my old videos and pictures
I cried looking starting to see myself ,
my grace
my beauty of my soul,
for probably the first time in my life!
Realizing all the lies I was taught about humanity,
how the only way to get love is competition,
if we are skinny pretty ,smartest the best
and I want to say to all that it is bllshit.
For today for one of the first times in my life
in my bigger body,
I thought maybe my body and who I am is amazing,
for I am me .
Maybe i am not afraid if I would gain weight one day
for I would still be amazing.
And there will always be people who will love me for me
maybe my whole life,
I was obsessed with romance
when really all I just wanted was to actually love myself!
Although I still long deeply for a partner
for I have never had one,
I am working on trying to make this life better
and looking at my progress!
It's strange after I cry
I look in the mirror
and I swear my face looks better
and my heart feels a little bit better!
So I cry,
for all the years I forced myself to smile,
instead of cry
for all the years ,
that I hid my anger under smiles...
I now play angry music and scream sometimes
silently sometimes loudly.
I am still learning to be comfortable, to be okay
with my anger.
Realizing my soul
has always been pure,
despite everything.
Realizing my trauma was not my fault
not my body's fault
and it was never my fault.
Thinking if I could meet my mom as a child I would tell her
to heal herself
to learn how to love herself
to choose better men
to go to therapy
to learn to love her imperfections
and that she too can love her bigger body.
I wish I could tell that to her...
for despite all of the abuse
I still love my family
I looked at their pictures
my mother my father and my brothers.
I feel so abandoned
but I have always felt this burden inside
I cried for my childhood and my adulthood pain
but knowing that was never love, what they gave me
it was mostly just abuse
for however hard it is ,
I will create my own family
in this life,
and maybe one day things will change
but the only thing
that I can change,
is myself,
it hurts so deeply.
Especially sitting alone in my
apartment ,
on holidays.
It hurts!
I wish I could share my pain
with others,
but alas
I am not sure who can actually relate to me.
I am sure there are many
who like me,
are silent with their pain
and just save their tears for their beds
at night .
But I see pain
its something I understand so deeply.
I would cry as a child
to god to take the pain away,
and I would pray for so many people
just like I would always pray for myself.
I am choosing to see my light
within my darkness
for they are all connected .