I haven't seen my therapists in months
& everyone assumes that's a good thing.

I seem happier
& everyone thinks that I'm getting better.

I'm writing again
& everyone says writing is a healer.

They forget that therapists & medicine is for those who can still be helped. That being content is one of the final steps in ending your life.

My poetry is my suicide note and I'm writing again.

They teach you a lot in school
How to add, multiply, divide,
& subtract.
But they don't teach you how to say
you're sorry for wanting to **** yourself
when everyday, people who want to live
die.
They don't teach you how to deal with
the aching sadness,
the crippling darkness,
& the desire to subtract yourself
from this life.
I know how to factor,
but I don't know how to hold myself together.
They can teach you a lot in school.
But they couldn't teach me
to love myself.

You tried to change me and maybe that's why I actually weighed my options this time. You forced me to realize the handprints I left on people's life. I'm sorry that the only ones I left on you were around your neck. I swear to god I was just trying to hold your face in my hands so I could kiss you. Maybe I just treated you the way I wanted to end myself.  & like drugs, people become toxic. But we don't always start out that way. I am a parasite, slowly but surely destroying you. I can't tell if I push you away because I'm trying to save you or **** myself. I'm a drug, a parasite and the worst possible thing to love.  i destroy everything in my path. & im tired of hurting people. I will only be content when you are safe so let ME save YOU. You made me promise I wouldn't end my life but let's compromise... How about I promise to end it quickly?

- I don't want to hurt you anymore