Waking up is harder than it seems.
It's not the hourglass
it's not the dreams.

The thoughts are destroying my
calm.
Never again will I feel my feet
or keep a clean palm.

My hand trembles
it is now four going on five.
In the AM
reminding how I am alive.

Rather unfortunate
the red in my eyes.
Heart pounding faster
than a lover who lies.

A mother who dies,
then her daughter cries.
Knowing how slow
this everlasting night flies.

Going to bed is harder than
I want it to be.
Out of the time in the day missed
and living with
ANXIETY.

I wonder why you're no longer nice to me,
But first I wonder why you feel inferior enough
to show how phasesd you are by your own troubles and sorrow.
And it's me you pick
to reply with vulgarity and stubborn attitude?
All I can say,
It's rather nice to be me, and I'll bet it
*****
to be
you ;).

I walk over to our usual spot.

I sit down,

Silence.

I get up to get myself a drink.

I leave,

Chatter.

I can't put my finger on it
either.

Not even I can
put it to an
end.

They choose not to live a life
with me as a part
because I live with
something.

Somebody says something rude at the meal.

They look at one another,

Laughter.

I say a point of view at the meal.

They look at one another,

I'm left
Alone.

Never should I have ignored the
barbaric ediquitt that was represented
at every dinner.
What a fool we were to hold you like
a baby and tell you you were wonderful
as you were.
How dare you take my sympathy and turn
it into your own spider web.
Do you not understand that I have the power
to rip the web apart and make it into dust?
Why won't you ever learn?

Oh why, oh why
can't it still be right?
I work on finding the path all day
forget the night.
When I find it, I'll walk and leave footprints in order
to see.
I couldn't let it all go even though
it wasn't right for me.
It's over!
It's done!
My heart is a mess.
Both happy and broken,
this walk is a test.
The fork in the road that's coming near
will side either say come back or stay
clear.
I'm either long forgotten,
or just someone once known.
For now, I'll let it go,
but I'll have to do my part on my own.
I'm going to leave the path and walk back home.
It is dark and the moonlight has grown.
I'll need the night to prove it's right.
For now, just accept, don't make the time
a fight.

The dreams I have where enemies reside
are killed by the morning light and savored
in my frontal lobe.
I think how they could have hurt me the way
they did in the dream.
She put her arms all over me and she grasped
my neck I could not breathe at all.
He grabbed my hand and would not permit me
to be with my friends though I could sense the
relationship was over.
Waking up after seeing somebody I once was
abused by is hard to do,
but its harder for them to see I am awake and
ready
to let it all go
and live for real,
this time.

Sitting next to you all that time,
Neither one of us said a word,
We acted just fine.
As time went on
We breathed,
We avoided looking in the eye.
When you got up and left,
I just wanted to die.
I knew you were sad,
I could see it in your face.
I understand completely
This is just not the right place.
Life has many chances,
This does not stop me from feeling
Concern.
I know you’re traumatized by those relationships,
I don’t want to be one who makes you
Burn.
This too shall pass,
The awkward moments will cease.
When I talk to you again,
Know it is not a tease.
It seems you have let me go,
For that is fair and fine.
I know were strong enough to get through being together in that class,
And that time.
I wont cross the line.
Know that what you said,
Came from your heart.
It was honest and perfectly fine.
Right on the line.
For telling me how you truly felt
All that time.

At the county fair,
you took me on a scary ride.
It went fast,
and I felt I was going to cry.
If you had not been sitting across
from me in the claustrophobic
fenced seat,
I would have been traumatized.
Your hand was near mine,
as we held on so tight.
We got off the ride,
and I breathed.
If you hadn’t walked beside me,
I’d never remember how to.
You come home every couple of days
and show more love for us than
stress from work.
Though some memories of my
moments are worth
squashing,
I keep you in mind and
how you loved me no matter
what they said about me.
I wake up,
I think about it,
and I fight through the hard circumstances.
If it hadn’t been for you,
I’d be nothing.
You really made my life something,
thank you.

I'm not miserable that you're not here anymore.
I am in despair that I am and always was the bad guy.
I ruined our chance to be friends.
I hurt you and scared you.
I came off as someone I'm not.
I lose my perception and my self esteem whenever I see you.
What now, I blind myself?
I am already blinded by your not being around anymore.

I want to know how you are.
I want to hear your honesty as it was always reserved for me.
I miss your responses.
Every message bubble made me feel tickled.
I remember you picked me up and spun me around I had never
experienced such a feeling.

Then they were shattered and hurt you said it wasn't there.
I thought it was.
You told me how you cared but I stupidly let myself go.
We didn't know how to act or what to say.
Now I've changed and grown.
I cannot beg for another chance, I cannot keep trying to talk to you anymore.
I can only grow some more so I don't ruin anything ever again.
It may or may not be over.
We were greatly overwhelmed by one another.
We are different.
We are disputable.

Like I said in tears  before you walked out on my command.
Only because I knew it would happen on behalf of my baggage.
I just don't want either you or me
to be
gone.
Still I believe I will do my part if you ask.
Will you give me another chance?

To act but to feel,
to want but to be hurt,
to remember so many happy times,
then the truth came along.
Go out and see the city lights,
holding hands despise the ***,
to be thankful of this gift of friends,
then everyone
is
dating.
Insecurity attacks,
I can't feel good about anything.
I want everything to be my way.
It never will,
I always thought I would find
someone perfect.
I thought it was him.
And then,
the truth came
along.

Nothing I do will allow me to restrain
my hands from flapping and my words
insane.
No one can ever say I don’t belong or
I did something wrong.
This is neurological and nothing I
took of the shelf.
Though this label I have is why I’m
usually by myself.
I blink many times but I can still see
the beautiful people.
You’ll see my restless legs but one
day I’ll be in the position that is fetal.
My phrases may sound ignorant and
bothersome
but I somewhere have a voice that
spreads truth and wisdom.
Though I may be alone
or staying at home
I party in my room
and feeling no doom.
Tourette’s is no sin,
when the ticks start to begin,
they perform and I let it go
it is still there but it doesn’t have
to be a show.
Its about the inside forget the
gesturing hands.
We people are styled and different
but never are we brands.
We here for each other
reasons to be told.
I may have ticks but many
great stories to unfold.
We learn to respect and listen
to our family and friends.
The ones I have I know are
there, they never expect
the ticks to end.
It’s nothing I pretend.

As humor leads to hurtful words,
and kisses lead to living babies,
then misunderstandings lead to
broken hearts.
And as humiliation leads to drama,
And truth leads to tears,
Just as stories lead to wanting to know more about
The common karma
We heard,
We faced,
We saw.
I cannot disagree
With your desire and effort.
It’s a way for us to never lose.
I would rather
Cry with you from hearing truth,
Than to lie and become mentally ill.
You are the best thing about that hour I feel
Naked
In front of all the others.
By my lack of knowing this information,
You care for me then and there.
Now I know I messed up,
I am the fool.
I am overcome with guilt
And growing out of being naïve.
My empty stomach and trembling hands
Are the sign of how I never want to let you go.
If you ever change your mind and this time you
Declare yourself gone.
Know yourself as rare and sweet.
I’ll be here if you ever want to try and have these conversations again.

Would you need it so bad you leave one
to sit and stare at you all night?
Would you have your guitar handed to you
as I carry mine in a heavy black case?
Can you carry a tradition of a summer night
sing along and not have it all to yourself?
What a shame,
that such an occasion,
was sold to you and bought by your
soul.
A soul on what they fawn over and
poetry is written about your voice.
Your voice, the songs you play,
I heard it all before, and I heard it enough
to know you as desperate.
Stop making it about you, and
let us shine together all of us in the cool
summer night air.
Slapping every mosquito and sipping
champagne, just share something
for once.

I lived a lie with you for so long the only way
I could express any truth would be
to humiliate myself.
Every day you would search and search until
you found the perfect reason to admonish me.
It was all because of who I
was.

Excuse me, Miss Princess,
I do not believe you are perfect.
Nobody grows by seeing everyone in
their low brow appearance.
How I told you looked beautiful though
you couldn’t bear to see your own self
in your own skin.

Though the advantages I take and
use to stand my guard will never
be anything you will ever work up to
nor will you accept yourself.
Don’t shame, just work.

Never let anyone’s appearance infuriate you.
Just call yourself beautiful.
I won’t do it again,
you’re just taking every hand reached down for you
to grab for granted.
Thus,
you suffer.
That is all
you ever
wanted
for me.

I knew there was jeopardy,
in our hearts and our minds.
Blood flowing amongst your lungs,
and to many breaths in mine.
Our eyes saw one another
as the same but different
color.
The virtue of patience grew mutually,
I just sat and thought of the day
you would be daddy and I would be
mother.
Long distance is anything but easy,
you never know how you really
are
until that infection hits you
hard in the
gut.
You knew you had to go,
you questioned if staying was worth it,
if I was the one thing keeping you alive,
the truth made you realize
I wasn’t.
Since we broke up and you hung up
first,
I have carried on with
blood, sweat, and tears,
and alcoholic thirst.
Every new man who approaches me
makes me crave your love once more.
I just pretend I was your one and only
and heaven was the last open door.
I find comfort in imagining our
break up call like this:
I heard your voice last as
they turned off the machines
and my heart shattered with
broken glass,
of picture frames of my visions
of you, me,
and our two sons and
daughter.
I will never find another man like you,
you were perfect
you just couldn’t believe it too.
But I know you are alive and
breathing,
if I see you again,
please tell me
I was the one
who taught you to
love yourself
you were such a gift
in my life,
I panic when I ask if I
was a gift in
yours.
I reminisce you as if you died
peacefully  in bed with dialysis machines and wires
hooked to your heart.
I was the last one who loved you,
who you held and protected in your
chest.
Those weren’t the only wires
that had to carry you through
as I was with you at the time.
So rest in peace,
You are one I will never forget.
You live in the sky with angels,
I continue my life with
regret.
I miss you,
teddy bear.
You were on dialysis,
so you being gone forever
is only
fair.

You know it's just a label.
Is it really meant to hurt?
Don't bother saying it,
You can just kick me in the dirt.

Right now I am breaking my writers block.
My page is incomplete without another piece written
about someone special like you.
The first time you asked to hold my hand I sensed hesitation
in you and felt fear in me.
I pressed against your shoulder and all my fears ceased within
me.
I felt your touch how you wanted to protect me from the horror
you became my beautiful sight.
Not knowing you brought fear of having you and getting to know you
was the graving of the bumps in the desert how they would never
stop us from getting to where we want to be.
I want to be with you,
I want to share these feelings with you.
I want to have a nice poem about you.
Here it is, and here we are.
Look what you have done,
bringing me and you into a
better world to see and live.
No fawn is ever taken for granted, and no mistake is ever frowned upon.
I’ve warmed up enough, and I saved the time I write this for the perfect night.
Tonight was magnificent, and that is what my life
is becoming thanks to
you.

The aspect,
that shows our beauty, discipline, self-esteem, and that we
get up and move around.
The aspect,
that shows we fight
our desires and go back to our graces.
The aspect,
where our muscle holds our strength and our thin waist shows
our beauty.
It is exposed all around as we put our hands on our
torso and feel our ribs and abs that are perfect to others.
The aspect,
that gets easily ruined as
we let go of our happiness.
It has been taken away.
We become depressed and food is our only angel.
The aspect,
that rounds and widens
as time changes,
routines sail away.
We jump back into the water
and the circles are wider than ever.
The aspect,
that no longer makes us a size two.
We look in the mirror,
we stand, stare at our reflection, and cry.
We say to our body,
*******.
We know the reason why,
but we can't bear the truth to take the blame.
Remember how it is what is on the inside that is cared for,
so we feel no shame.
The aspect,
that shall never define,
our self-esteem, our confidence, our discipline, and beauty.
The aspect,
that makes us insecure,
when we look around the agora,
we feel as if we are the biggest.
It is all in our heads,
our bodies are all different.
We take care of it,
though it is not the sum,
to our greatness,
and wisdom,
and love.

The image of food,
The desire for money.
I want to
Put on my fancy dress
With my favorite baseball cap.

I hurt nobody,
I mind my own business.
Deciding graciously
On what shoes
Are proper for where I'm walking.

I walk my neighborhood
With my dog by my side.
Taking care of a creature
Who has a tough life.

I run in the rain,
Freedom by the puddles
Left by the tracks
Behind me.
The few friends I have
And the man I love,
Understand oh so perfect.

I do, unique.
I do, peculiar.
I eat, what looks good.
I spend, carefully.
I wear, like me but a fun
Style.

I'm different.
So what?
I admire you, so what's so bad about me?
I do what I want.
I do what I need.
I do for others,
But first,
For me.

Is love something temporary?
Why do we argue with our loved ones?

Is it from heaven,
or is it in our hearts?
Where does it come from?
Possibilities mean
it may come from above
when the doves fly.

The blue sky opens
and the clouds break open so pure and white.
Sun beaming on the earth,
to give the playing children their light.

But the trigger,
the volt,
is that where the anger comes from?
Is that why we argue with our loved ones?
Is that why we hold grudges and cups of coffee
at the cafe' we used to go together?

Where would be a better place?
To talk,
to express,
and converse.
What would be a better topic?
You decide what it is,
and I'll decide where we go.

2015,
You were full of cat fights, injuries, hurt,
And suffering.
A lot was lost on account of you.
So many were gone and nothing was put
Back into better place.

2016,
I'll try to keep away my grudges.
I'll forgive all those who trespass me and abuse my emotions just to get what they want.
I'll get what I want this time.

2015,
******* and rest in peace.

2016,
Let's get happier.

Go to the shop to get away
from all the troubles in the
world.
Order my favorite flavor
and have all sweetness put
together in one small cup.
Feel the bite from my spoon
flow down inside me and
numb all my worry.
Ice cream is a wonderful
treat to have and to eat.
Strawberry pink, brown
chocolate, green mint chip,
and rainbow sprinkles.
Just a little color to
brighten the mood.

I can't trust you anymore.
If I told you I was sorry,
you would respect my will.
If I told you I was traumatized,
I am a survivor of abuse, and I
have a troubled past,
you would say it was all
my fault.
You walk away and lift your
hands in the air and say,
"just saying".
I hear the dominance loud and clear,
but when you hear the kindness from me
as simple and sweet as can be,
I demand,
you
Learn and
stop
knowing
everything,
You know you really don't,
why be two faced?

Couldn't be around for all
that excitement.
1984
I was not here around.
For my time
has been wasted.
Mentally ill,
moods swinging every second.
If I were stable,
I would have no broken glass of beer bottles
on my floor.
My cigarettes would be unlit,
my bed would be made.
If I were still today a fallen angel.
Depressed,
and with broken wings while lacking a smile.
I can't guarantee I would be alive,
now I guarantee
If I were dead,
you will be able to move on
from the memory of me.
I promise.

Should my heart be
pounding?
Should my breath be
fogging up my
path?
Should my eyes be
swelling up with tears?
Should I be swearing and
slapping myself?
Should I think you
despise me?
Should I avoid you
too?
Should I fight back
if you push me?
Should I reply with
understanding if you
yell at me?
Should I finally stitch up
these scars in my head?
Should I receive the
lobotomy?
Should I wave if I see you?
Should I keep walking if I see you?
Should I give you the finger if I see you?
Should I burst into tears and say we need to talk ?
Should I congratulate you for doing better without me?
Should I get naked for you and tell you you can assault me as you wish?
Should I even think any of this?

We meet, and I can sense you just want to pick me up, spin around, place me on my feet, and kiss me.
We are together on a date, and I can sense your mood is changing.
We're alone, I said no, and I see your little boy appear through your insensitive rudeness.
Keep getting undressed expecting me to do the same, I ask you to leave expecting you to know why.
We are done, it's all emotional, and we tell everyone we know from our manipulating perspectives.
All you had to do is say that's fine.
Different people are like different nations.
Carrying other sets of beliefs, traditions, habits, and looks.
These nations are in a war by one disagreement.
As we tell and express what we wanted but could not have,
Why does a break up have to be such an
Arms race?

Waking up in your room
for the last time.
Your family prepares you breakfast
in your home kitchen.
Moving in sounds scary.
It is,
but as the days go on you will see
College has it's good and hard times.
The people you meet
Will either mend your life
or break your heart.
This is a place where
we explain our pasts,
we find our love,
and crying is always allowed.
The drama will occur,
And we learn to let go.
We learn capabilities within us
that were never trusted of us in
High school.
Those days are done, and here is the new beginning.
So take a deep breath,
and give many chances.
To the school, the people,
And you.

I walked without despair
perfectly fine on my own.
You came along out of nowhere
and joined me.
I let you in and there we became
the best of friends.
I learned so much about you
though your methods seemed
very frightening.
The knives you kept for
your sacred punishment,
the boys you slept with
that you found on the streets,
and the crying and whining
because he didn’t love you anymore.
How did I ever become your
miracle worker?
I walk out on you and suddenly
everyone
we knew
was infuriated with
me.
My moving on and saying I was done
taking care of you and your needs
turned me into a
monster.
What you needed but was not there
was later granted to you
as your wish.
You hoped that I would come back
and apologize and never
give you the business again.
Washing their brains thinking
you were this sweet girl who
knew how the world worked.
I’m sorry,
you did not.
That is all I feel bad for you.
Used me and manipulated,
I was depressed and in rage for you.
Looking back now that I am done
and you have not at all changed.
You needed me to be the one to
hold you and guide you.
In the end, you got it all through me.
Perhaps I was no friend but
your own personal
shooting star.
Granting every wish on your
demand.

Why don’t we translate,
everything
the media says to,
“this is what he will want
to see on you.”
Why don’t we take the
magazines with tales of,
“how I lost weight,
so easy!”
And shred them to
bits.
Why don’t we ask people on the street
without a camera crew,
and hear what they have to say.
If I were asked on the street
while looking the way I do today,
I would tell them,
“We should not be turning our
look into a uniform just because
someone managed to make it
to their goal weight.”
A goal is something personal and
can be for others.
Lets make sure we are not losing
weight for others.
Truthfully,
transparent bones and
loose clothing are not
want anyone wants to see.
We want to see people on the streets
holding doors for the disadvantaged,
giving pennies to homeless people
holding cups,
smiling at children how we never know
they are so fascinated that we are grown up.
To me,
that turns heads more than skinny people
who are doing it for the magazine.
Please,
be kind to yourself and don’t ever let
the magazine do the talking.
See the image in your head,
keep it there,
and let that be your guide.
Not to impress by being thin,
but to own the way you live and look.
You’re beautiful,
and know it.

Water pouring innocently
while soap melts within dissolving form,
hands and arms ***** and colored
need not,
to show,
self harm.
I don't have to be naked
to wash off my mess that reflects on my body.
Rubbing my hands together emphasizes
the replacing of my troubles with happy thoughts.
Splashing water on my face,
I look in the mirror and see a pretty girl.
She makes mistakes,
she paints the wrong picture.
She draws with markers on her arm.
Guilt
spreads down to her heart.
Washing with water and soap removes the
image of her current mistake.
Soap and water sink into the pores.
Away goes the color.
Washing away mistakes on the skin is as
letting go of the past.
Learn from it,
and be sure to keep it clean.
:)

This has been locked inside me
for far too long.
It's coming out unleashed
despite if I'm wrong.
Better now than never
these thoughts are never gone.
The top of my lungs have
me winded, my voice leads
everyone to know I
belong.

I stand,
I stare,
at the other folks
making their jokes.
I hear them,
I compare to my view,
it's entitled and here,
I scream out loud
"**** that fear!"
It's time to learn and
listen as we
hear.

I want to go back to that little girl
who would run around the house and never
care an ounce about what others said.
I want to wear those elegant little dresses
and not be old enough to care about how my
body looks in the dress.
I want to be young enough to cry and
show emotion and get away with saying
what is on my mind.
I want to now tell that little girl to never again
threaten to run away from her mother and father.
I will tell her to be nicer to them and not hit,
kick, or bite them because she didn’t get
what she wanted.
That girl is now full of wisdom and sympathy.
She hugs her parents whenever she sees them and
begs to come home.
I feel no guilt from childhood because I learned
over the years.
She was actually funny, that little girl.
Now she has grown,
and she knows and teaches that
the past is in the past, though we learn and
become better the more we let go.
Just think of the child who you are better than
today.

Nobody has ever shown utter ambition to sit still and
learn from something I will either destroy my looking good
or I will warm another heart and tears will be part of the
scene.
Though its only once I get to be with you every week,
you are the best part I dare say.
Men like you fight the world to be at peace as they live
their dream.
If I could be yours I and if I were a magic woman
I would make the world a better place for your dream to come true,
and I would be your queen to support your every decision made
and for all to be there to see it.
I want to see it, as you are sincere in asking to read my poems
and listen to the harmony and lyrics of my songs.
I write and dream of us to be close
I am more than ok with being just friends as long as I
live my life and you play a great part.
I will cast you as the leading male.
The thought of you is what pushes me to try harder.
Tell me,
if you think of me,
while creating your magic on the screen
as you live your dream.
I will
be there
to see
it.
But now,
I imagine,
feel nothing but
butterflies when I see and
think of you,
and hope some form of magic
happens.