There’s so many reasons to cry
The same way, there’s beautiful reasons to smile

With or without me
I know definitely, you’d still be happy
And I need to learn it and count it for me aswell
In the end you’d always be my Angle
And to you, a friend

Me and a close friend of mine came to school early
And walked on the bleachers
Watching the morning sun burn through the thick wall of clouds
As we watch it
We both take turns screaming out our pleads and prayers
Hoping for something to change and happen

The last time I wrote poetry was the last time I felt love
Now I just find it hard to write at all
when all I think about is the people
Who constantly change
And I stay still

I just don’t feel right
I let things get the better of me

These past five months I’ve changed into a person I’ve never met before
And I’m constantly searching for the past me hoping he’s still there
He felt the most
Cared the most
He made me feel wanted and loved

Time does get the best of us all doesn’t it

I’m brought back to this version of me from 10 years ago
And I feel scared and sympathize with him
Over the loss of control
And having to change everything and start from the top again either it be relations ships
Or friendships
It’s always been hard for me

I try to convince myself that I’m no longer that person and that I’ve changed
But when I’m put in a situation where I have to begin again
I give in and become small again
And wait to grow back
Like a flower having to curl up as the moon sets in place
And very slowly start to open up, slowly as the sun rises up


I’m happy to have met everyone that I love, hate, long, and despise
Thank you for such an experience I’ll never forget to the day I can’t walk no more and have brittle hands and a bedridden body
...
With a big heart

I want to see myself grow
I want to grow into myself
Not a mold, but into how I want to be
I want to be happy
I want to be free

I wish to understand people
That when I have the chance to...
I don’t know.


I can’t get in your head
I can’t honestly see how you feel
But I can’t necessarily talk to you at the moment

We are the complete inverse of eachother
Yet I was still willing to love and fall for you


And I did
Knowing you wouldn’t do the same

“But I guess I learned something from you
you gotta be loud and you gotta yell
You gotta break things and make a mess
and leave it for someone else to clean up in the end”

I wish you could see
That for even you, the person that made me feel so much pain
I’d give it all away
Just to see a truly meaningful smile



(I rather see a smile because I know I’ll never get that one kiss from you)

Meet me at the back of the crowd
this could be our time to slip away
you say the bigger you dream
the smaller your street looks in the rain
ah come on now
you and I both know this is so much more now
than just being bored

I want to wait for you
I really do
But it’s hurts me so bad
I don’t think I can take it

I now have no reason to write another love letter
Its time to move on
Fragility is a *****, but i'm a bigger one
I deserve to be happy and smile
I don't deserve anything below that
You showed me that you weren't a lover
And I did what I did anyways
Now I have nothing to do but move on - Alan

“our fingers are touching, you fake like you're blushing
cause laughing is easier than saying you love me
and maybe you don't but i think that you do”

“It’s a bad day, not a bad life”

Now as he mourns over the only man who would ever love him
He wipes his tears
With his hands now wet
He dips them to the ocean
He whispers, “As the water my bed and I tired, may I rest. Take me away. Let me be whole. Let me, let me.”
I wish to understand why he did what he did
But in the end...it was all he ever knew
Love, oh love
It can ****

As you force my head to the bottom of the bathtub
The waters already over me entirely
What do you expect
It’s been about 10 years
And it still effects

I feel desperate enough to give somebody my mental being
Just so that I can feel equally returned love
Even for a minute

“Another’s perspective”

Dear beloved,

If only things went the way I had imagined them in my head
We would have fallen for something much greater than hate
We wouldn’t be ignoring everything except eachother

We wouldn’t be feeling the need to find love because were lonely
We had eachother but the distance between us was the size of a planet
“One day you’ll feel as if your unloveable, hated, and miss judged. Know that I loved you. Understand it and know that it’s not subjective it’s right there.”
I hope you get this and realize...something.

     To my dearest beloved

-Alan

I prayed to forget all about you
Leave you
And to never comeback
All these things happened but,
I can’t stress this enough...that was love...true love

Only on these days can I feel sane
In a sense of a complete labyrinth
I’m surrounded by many things, people, and thoughts
I somehow forget about all of the people I’ve meet and felt for, and end up finding myself gathered at the grass viewing the sky
Saying to myself “One day, I’ll see it”

To every girl you meet eyes with
I felt you’d love her for that  brief moment
But whenever it came to me
It was just a stare to you
Noting but a stare
And I question it every time

I love listening to “hard to find songs”
I like to think that I’m the only one listening to them
Right now
In this very moment
I want to believe it’s not true

You show me off
as if i'm the plant on your hanging bracket
am I a accessory or a necessity
make up your mind

I’m not the one to just be friends
No I don’t want to comprehend
Your actions hurt me more than words
No I can’t just go and pretend
Like you

I’ve never fallen more in love with the sea
Than to the day
I saw a reflection in it

It was my second time falling in the tub desperate for an answer to come from you. It’s already been two months, but my mind makes me feel like it’s been years. I just shrug trying to hold onto the walls for support. I yearned for a hug, a meaningful one. The truth is I don’t feel loved. I don’t know why but I just do. What hurts me more is seeing you be happy and smile with her and knowing that I’ll never be able to make you happy like that. I want to be there. I want to be a lover. I want to make sure you know your loved. But you wouldn’t do that for me. While I’m on all four crying in the bathroom floor I scream “get up! In a way to tell myself that I need to move on. You were the one to say “I’ll take to you later”, that was two months ago. The last thing I can remember so far is the smiley face you wrote on my hand. I saved it on paper so that I can remember it and to one day burn it. Now that’s how I’ll remember you. Your hurt me and I took it. I knew what would happen and I did it. That’s how much I love you. My mental health is nothing compared to my love for you. But I’ll come to mind and heart and realize your toxic and leave. (I got up from the floor)

I met two angles
And neither of them helped

I get it,
I don’t need him.
I get it,
He’s not worth it.
I get it,
He shouldn’t stop me.
I get it,
I shouldn’t worry about him.
I get it,
He never loved me.
I get it,
I get it.

I can’t even cry anymore
What was I thinking
It keeps happening
I’m too used to it now
Where did I go wrong

You will never really know what you truly do to me
(Sorry, I’m sad)

They used to think I was crazy
The would give me pills to “fix” me
I wasn’t crazy I just didn’t understand things
I was young!
But still I think it over and over that maybe I am
My own therapist quit his job
I remember just siting there with my head down listening to the words coming from your mouth
“It’s like he couldn’t help him”
I was young!
But maybe it was you that was crazy
You shouldn’t have to put anybody
Not even a kid through that
It messes with them

If I ever gave you the chance
I would fall in love with your words
I’d let myself
Only if you wanted

After four years of not speaking
Hearing
Listening
Feeling
Looking
For you
I saw you today and wondered for a bit
How this long road stretched farther after that
How my breathing got heavier
How my eyes started to dampen
How my hair began to undo it self
How the light kept getting into my eyes
How I kept tripping on my way home
My shoulders started to weigh more
My head heavy
My sorrow more
I sit on the other side of the front door for minutes, hours, maybe even days not noticing  time move
Always feeling the same way I was when I was next to you
I whisper to myself
“You don’t know how lucky you are”

Though we were young, he placed a ring on my hand and said
“Alan, promise me this. When we’re both old and go our separate ways into life, know I will always love you no matter what. If we ever find eachother again somewhere in California promise me we’ll both fall in love again.
And know that you will be the only man I’ll ever love. Keep this to remember me by.”
I say, “I will always love you. No matter where we are no matter how far, I will always have you in my heart. Don’t forget about me. I will always love you.”

The day he left, we swore to never forget
Who and what we were to eachother
And although we never got the chance to marry
I ended up changing my last name to his

(Alan Oliver)
I’ll never forget that smile
And all he made me feel
It brings me solitude

“I kissed enough bathroom sinks to
Make up for the lovers that never loved me”

Even though I’m giving myself time from stress of work and spending time with family having a good time
I rather spend this time with you
I know it may sound selfish
But I know I’m feeling something right

“Once my mother said to me
Don’t ever stop imagining
The day that you do is the day that you die”



(I want to be an artist)

My love

I wonder how many people got feelings for me
I don’t know anybody who would find myself  interesting
It would feel nice to know I impacted someone so dearly
But alas I would never know because I too am scared to tell

You don’t need to cry, or smile and show it off anymore
You can go if you want to
You can be what you say
If you want to be someone new
Change your car, your phone, your name
That’s all I’m saying for me

(Nice sad convo)
Him) “see you tomorrow, alright”
Me) “you too.”

With a period

I guess I have nothing else to say about Angle

He never loved me then
And he never loved me now

I hope I can recover way more quickly
This time

We may fail in Things when it comes to living
But understand that we will always no matter what “learn”
Learn from them

Angle, thank you so much for all the little things you do that you never know have helped me. I’m grateful to have have met you, I learned such a powerful lesson. Your by far one of the best things that could ever have happened to me. I hope you realize your own self worth and how much your loved not just by me but by your friends and everyone else who’s willing to give so much for you. I hope I can stop giving myself so much stress over this one little conversation I had with you, it meant so much thank you. I hope you do find that one person and be happy. I wish to you only the best and hope you see that too. Thanks for being there and listening to my ugly crying and sobbing. You mean so much to me and others. Don’t change yourself for anyone.
After all of this and everything I hope you see that you’ve helped me out too even in the slightest. And I hope our friendship relationship won’t change either

I wish to see you in my dreams
I wish to see your beauty that you call home
I wish to get to know you

In the morning I’ll pick you up to go to school
Hold your hands even though your nervous
In the halls
Let everyone stare
They don’t know this feeling

We’ll skip classes
Run around the football field
Dance and trip
Make up fake passes

We’ll hide behind the tree’s shadow
While my hands on your face
We’ll see eachother from our perspectives
And share a quiet moment
And a kiss

Now noticing that we
Can be loved by strangers
And laugh
And leave school early

One time I texted a relative
But the number had actually been changed and I was talking to a complete stranger
We had the usual “wrong person”, “sorry, have a good rest of your day” conversation
At the time I found myself feeling lonely for the past months or so
I felt like waiting for response
I kept waiting
I made my own scenarios
In which we pulled it off and became friends
But I got to my senses and started to cry
I’m deprived of something
Something

I don’t know what came upon me
I out of nowhere griped my body
As if I were holding on for dear life
Maybe it was because of the cold
Or because I feel somewhat morose

That vacant stare of yours
Will and never scare me anymore
But I see it more often in myself now
And that scares me

I find myself in the pits of mediation whenever
I see tranquility in the scenery
In the same way to commit pacification with myself
It’s very liberating
But it just shows how fragility works for me