Her eyes were so empty.
There were not even tears to be shed.
Light did not exist
Colors were dull.

Those eyes will haunt me.

I don't believe in Heaven,
but hell is for sure.
I've looked a demon in the eyes,
and spent a life time in hell.
A sweet facade,
a happy exterior.
But I cannot hide the haunted eyes.
I cannot hide the brokenness
left from a dance with the devil.

Nothing good ever happens there,

The kids go there to smoke,
The drunks go there to fight,
And, well, everyone else avoids it.
Except for kids like me,
Who go there to die,
and never come back.

Every town has that place,
Nothing good ever happens there.
Stay away.

They've found me guilty.
Today I will die.
Are you coming?

I know you do so love to watch death.

The beat of the military drums
And the bitter stench of fear,
It all falls quiet as I am led to the end.
The grim silence of death is looming.
As the glinting steel of the axe falls,
My cold laugh echoes in the heavy silence.
I'll be seeing you again, soon.

Everything freezes as the axe hits it's mark.
Goodbye, for now.

Did you think this was Romeo and Juliet?
Did you think I'd give up everything for you?
I have not known men to be kind
or love to be lasting,
So I think it's better I stay alone.
At least I know that loneliness is lasting.

I have never believed in love,
But I believed in you,
Until you asked me for all I had.
You know I can't give it.

They threw me from heaven
when the pearly white of my wings
Faded to ashen grey
and darkened further with my mind.

They say the white feathers mirror
an angel's purity and righteousness.
That my blacked feathers reflected
a rotting heart and malice in my mind.

But what righteousness is there
when one being decides
the everlasting fate of many?
What is right and what is wrong?

An angel with blackened feathers
is no longer welcome in paradise.
For once I understand,
There is no justice in faith.

The fallen shall remain fallen,
The disgraced angel shall not return,
But shall instead find the truth and
take comfort in knowledge no longer forbidden.

So, this is fate.
It is not what I thought it would be.
I must say,
I never understood it,
but now,
I understand even less.
So, this is fate.

He told her she had a beautiful scream.
She tried to be defiant, not to scream again,
But he did unspeakable things.
When he let her go,
She never spoke again.

I am a figment of your imagination.
A product of your creation,
a mere fabrication,
your own fantastic notion.

I'm not real,
I'm not real,
I'm not real.

I felt so real, so live.
I just wanted to survive.
Let me come alive,
something for which to strive.

I'm not real.
I'm not real.
I am real.

If I could breath fire,
I'd inhale,
And never let it go,
Just to feel alive again,
Just to feel like I was burning
with passion like I used to.

The touch of the sunlight,
the warmth of the water
dancing around our ankles,
smell the salt in the air,
fresh and clean and pure.
Little tastes of happiness.
But it's never enough for you.

You think that happiness is a state,
like liquid or gas, something you stay in.
But happiness is in the fleeting moments,
the laughter of friends,
hot chocolate, sweet and smooth
with little marshmallows.

Dancing in the rain,
wearing your favorite shirt,
a walk through the woods,
a hug just a little longer than usual,
the warmth of someone else's arms.
These fleeing moments are
where you find happiness.

**** you.
You and your beautiful wings.
My wings have been clipped
and my feathers are ruined.
There's no point in staying behind.
Don't bother waiting.
I'll never be able to fly with you.
Just fly away and leave me with my misery.

"Follow me, " she said, as she danced through the garden.
Flittering wings and a tinkling laugh,
I followed her, enchanted.
The flowers bloomed as she passed,
The air filling with the scent of spring.
She led me to her garden
and taught me to love again,

For a year or so, I was happy.
Comfortable with myself.
There were always the pervading fears
And the lingering self hatred,
But I was almost happy,
For a while.
But know I see myself again,
And I do not like what I see.
My hatred is back
And I think it's going to stay
For a while.

Of all things I've seen,
It's you that I want to forget.
Gone from my mind,
The pain would disappear.
The nightmares and fear,
The jumping when I'm touched.
I could forget it all,
Simply by forgetting you.

Today,
I found half of a best friend's necklace.
It's a simple chain, a charm that has "Best"
engraved in a piece of green plastic,
a pickle with ogling eyes.
It must have been an inside joke,
a friend I promised never to forget.
I can't remember who.
Just a forgotten memory,
a long lost friend
who I may never
see again.

So we beat on, boats against the current,
     borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I hope she is a fool, a beautiful little fool.
Absolutely real, pages and everything.
The loneliest moment in someone's life is when
       they are watching their world fall apart
       and all they can do it stare blankly.
And I sat there brooding in the old and unknown world.
You can't repeat the past.
You can't repeat the past? Of course you can.
They're a rotten crowd, I stated,
         You're worth more than the whole **** lot of them.
When you feel like criticizing, remember not everyone
          has had the advantages you've had.
I thought of Gatsby's wonder.
So we beat on, boats against the current,
          borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I feel your eyes, trained on my back and lower.
Pretending not to notice, I keep a steady pace.
The click of my heels beat with the staccato of my heart.

Four AM
And five stitches later
I finally realized the
cold hard truth.
I never want
to see you again.
I can't keep showing
up at the hospital
when you've broken
me yet again.

He asked me about my scars...
And I could't answer,
filling the silence with
that disgust and fear welling up in my chest.
This would be the end of us.
That's how it always is.
You can fill cracks with gold,
you can paint over the streaks,
but it's not the same
and no one wants a broken girl.
Not even as friends like us.
but he just looked at me and said
You should know that you're perfect
and don't need any of that.
*...And you're feisty.

We're friends, right?
I know I don't see you often,
but you can tell me anything.
You're such a beautiful person.
I know I never know how to make things better,
but, we're friends... right?

It's okay when you stop answering,
I know you're really busy.
I miss you so much though.
I get nervous, you know.
but, we're friends, right?
...right?

I'm so sick of being called cold.
I know.
I know.
I'm not like you.
Not anymore.
I know I'm distant.

But... I'm tired and empty
and I don't have the energy
to pretend anymore.

So go ahead,
Go ahead and call me a
Frigid *****
I did nothing to you but keep my distance,
But go ahead.

I know,
**I know I'm cold.

"I'm dying to see you *******."

Then die.

Will you teach me
how to be brave?
How to hold myself
together when all
the my pieces are
shattered on the floor?
Do you know how to be strong?
Does anyone?

Death like eyes knows little of listening to the cold love hardened words cupped in my hands.
It just wants a way to feel able to be held dear.

I used to believe that achieving one goal was enough,
Be content that you could get there.
But that is wrong.
I will do whatever it takes to be the best.
For good enough isn't good enough for me.
I will never be fine with being good enough.
I must be the best.

soft light through curtains
yellow crumpled duvet
rain pattering on the roof
stretch and breathe
forget the dreams
smell of coffee and toast
Good Morning

I grew up fast.
I went to meetings with my father,
begged my mother to stop shouting.

I would lay awake at night,
listening to them argue.
My unversed brain not understanding.

I grew up too fast.
Relentlessly hoping for happiness,
always trying to be better.

I wanted to make everyone happy
And in doing so,
I lost my own happiness.

"Even your own body hates you,
enough to betray your mind."

The coldest thing
I could have heard
on that day
was what you said.

It was a bad day,
A hot day
full of my burning fear
and your scorching desire.

But what you said was so cold
So cruel
So utterly and completely terrifying
and absolutely humiliating.

"Even your own body hates you,
enough to betray your mind."

Forgive me.
Set me free,
Pray for me.
Hail Mary,
I'm on my knees,
Accept my pleas
Death is free,

I asked for happiness on my sixteenth birthday.
That is far from what I got.
Sixteen year old me ended up in a dark place,
With frightening people.
And here I am, seventeen,
Falling ever deeper into the darkness.

Maybe if I'd never asked for happiness,
It wouldn't have been this bad.
Maybe I wouldn't have met that man,
And he wouldn't have done what he did.
Maybe if I'd learned to be happy instead of just asking for it,
I would be happy today.

I never felt safe in my own house.
Could never climb the stairs without
nervous glancing, gazelle fleeing.
Could never turn off the lights
without another light beckoning in the distance
to guide me to safety like a white moth to flame.
His voice still echoes in the dining room,
I never fixed the holes he punched in the walls.
I don't know how to fix the ruins he's made,
To undo the damages he's done,
So for me,
This home will forever be haunted.

He called me his lion,
even though I told him
female lions are lionesses.
I opened my eyes
and he held my hand.

but then I swallowed the pills
and he saved me life.
I sobbed, disgusted by myself,
that I was still alive.
He simply held me and let me cry.

He stopped the bleeding
and took care of me.
He dealt with my mess and
loved me anyway.
I just don't understand why.