It took me many years to be brave
And apparently just a few inspirational words
From someone who gets it.
No matter where life takes me
Me being brave will never change
And I will continue to be just that.
I need to thank everyone who has ever helped me
My friends, Family, and Everyone.
I hope that I am able to repay you one day.
With life’s twists and turns
I will never let them take a hold of me again.
I will let life lead me where I need to go,
No matter how long it takes.
Nothing worth having comes easy
And
Nothing easy is worth having.

After all these years
Who would have thought?
Being brave
Would get me going where I wanted to
The fact that a few words
Can change everything
I’m not saying this will be perfect
Nor am I saying this will work out at all
All I know is
It’s working now
I’m happy now
And that’s all that needs to matter

YOU NUMB OUT THE PAIN. YOU REFUSE TO LET IT TAKE OVER. AMPUTATE YOUR INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND REPLACE THEM WITH SOMETHING THAT COULD ACTUALLY DO YOU SOME GOOD. TELL YOURSELF THAT ALL OF THIS CAN BE MANAGED. COACH YOURSELF INTO REACHING OUT WHEN YOU START HURTING AGAIN. BECAUSE MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO BUT AT LEAST YOU WON’T BE ALONE.

I have carved more lines in my thighs and up my hips, than there are trees in the forest behind my home. I have burned down more bridges than there are birds in the sky. I guess I have a knack for destroying, and a bad habit of letting go, because more often than not I feel like a noose hanging around your throat every time you don't speak and I don't want to be left alone so I guess I leave before I'm left. I've lost myself in an open field, and I'm too stubborn to run after myself. I'm blinded by the flowers and distracted by the sun, because the next thing I knew was that I was gone. There's no such thing as a search party for souls. There's no such thing as loving and letting go, and there's no such thing as a happy ending. So, I guess we're all ****** then.

People wear black to cover up the emptiness of their soul
We wear rings and necklaces and say “I’m okay”
So nice and so kind, no one sees.
Our own bodies wrecked beyond repair
While we still give parts to others
Trying to save people from sadness,
They don’t have a clue
Actions speak louder than words
So we stay silent
Alone, I’m just surviving
So it doesn't matter if I stop living.

Please don't tell me I am beautiful if you can't see past my sadness. Please don't tell me I'm kind unless you plan to walk a mile in my shoes. My body was a temple. Like a castle, it was guarded by a dragon and surrounded by a moat. Now I was left for dead, and my carcass is a museum for what happened to me. Just, I may not be able to change what happened, but I can and will choose where I go from here. My past is no longer in control. I am strong and thank god I stayed that way. My walls may have started crumbling down and yeah, the roof is caving in but things like that can be fixed. I will be fixed. You never come out the way you came, and I will make my own path out.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A RAINBOW IS SHINING OUT OF MY FACE AND YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SMILE AGAIN BECAUSE IT’S ALMOST AS IF I GET BETTER SO WILL YOU AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU TO BE BETTER AGAIN. I WANT TO SEE THAT ADORABLE LITTLE GRIN YOU MAKE WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH OR HOW YOU BITE YOUR LIP WHEN YOU PLAY WITH MY **** AND IT’S LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE YOU I’M REMINDED OF THE FIRST MOMENTS WE SPENT TOGETHER AND HOW I FALL MORE IN LOVE WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK AND BACK AND BACK AND BACK.

Just swallow it.
Swallow everything you thought you knew about me
Because I’m as vast and vacant as the ocean
And we’ll both get lost before you understand.
See, you think monsters only exist under beds or in the dark,
But the only monsters I’ve seen are in my brain.
So I guess that’s why I’m more afraid of being alone
Than in the dark.
See, it’s the unknown that scares us the most.
Whether it’s our thoughts or the water beneath us,
It’s all the same.
We don’t know where we’re going
And we’re too scared to go find out.
So, we sit.
We sit and we think too much
And we end up killing ourselves
Before the world around us has the chance to.

People stopped asking me how I feel, simply because I think that they already knew the answer and they didn’t want to bother with repetition. I turned into a page in a book. Only looked at when needed, only read when I’m wanted. Then I’m put back on the shelf. I feel like people forget about me. That I sort of just fade into the background, because I’m just always there. I am the fly on the wall. Swatted away, and forgotten. There is no real dedication to my existence. Just moments of clarity, and then they go blind again. No matter what it is I am I feel like people stopped caring about me. Maybe it is in a selfish way or maybe it is because I became good at hiding my feelings. I feel like the stars in the night sky. Millions and millions of light years away, and I disappear before anyone acknowledges me.

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to
How from one moment to the next
Everything changes
I never thought things would happen this way
I never thought good things could happen to me
I always thought it was downhill for now on
But since reality finally caught up to me
I’m not sure I can recover
It’s a small thing
That is taking up the majority
Of my heart
What I’m saying is
Love songs aren’t *******
Love is as corny as the movies modeled after it
What I’m saying is
When I’m with you
I can’t think and I don’t want that feeling to go away
I need change because then that means you’ll be there
Nothing ever happens the way you expect them to
And I never expected this to happen

People become friends with people just as ****** up as themselves
They find solstice in each other
You asked me why you're friends with so many people
And I told you that since what happened was so traumatic
You couldn't just be friends with one group
To keep yourself together you needed the variety
You continued with how there's no one to blame
I was speechless
I knew what you meant, and there wasn't anything I could say
See, I knew what you went through
I was there
Just on the opposite side
You were the sick one,
I was the family
Neither of us was able to control the situation
Just you survived it
She didn't
You both stared death in the face
You won
She didn't
I knew what it was like having no one to blame
Now I'm going through that again
She's 93 now, and is coming to the end
There's nothing I can do
There's no remedy
All I can do is watch her lie there, praying over and over again
I know life isn't fair
I know it's not perfect
I just wish I would have it be good for longer than 3 seconds
I thought things were looking up for me but they aren't
Behind every corner,
Under every crack,
There's a chance that something will go wrong
And destroy my entire outlook
It's funny how feelings are so ******* fragile
How with the slip of a pen
Or a single word
Or even one moment
Can change everything

I know nothing of love
I never have
I never had the chance
I was too busy worrying
Waiting
I was too scared
So I never let myself live
I never opened up
So I either pushed them away
Or let them fade
I'm terrified of being vulnerable
One day
I hope to change
But until then
I'm sorry for not letting you in

I think that when I tell people that art saved me, I’m not sure that they believe me. That I’m a fool and that art is for the eccentric and the lonely. That a form of entertainment can hold so much meaning to one person may baffle them. Maybe it is *******. Maybe art didn’t save me and I somehow did it myself, but again, isn’t that *******? Art is not only limited to the creation aspect, the classes and the kids with purple hair. It is music. It’s the group of people in the hallway singing their hearts out about a home near and dear to them. It’s the girls in the bathroom fixing their make-up, thinking that is all that matters. It’s the boys in the playground, talking about life and busting on each other. It’s the kids who come home crying because they had an anxiety attack in the middle of English class and the teacher told them to leave because they were causing a distraction. The kids walking into class, who have their headphones blaring because music makes more sense than what the teacher has on the board. If home is where the heart is then my home is any place on earth. If you tell someone that art saved you, and they ask how, just tell them that ignorance is bliss and the fact that they don’t understand says more about their life than you explaining it to them ever will.

I am the reason I am unhappy
I used outside forces to make it so
I can’t let myself go
I have to be in control
I need to let go
****** things have happened, yes
But I can't keep letting that be the reason why
Moving on will be hard
Being content and happy will be harder
But the end result will be my cleanse
And hopefully I won't have to do all this again.

People spoke about how cigarettes **** people
I never smoked, but I still feel a burning sensation in my lungs
People said alcohol tears people apart
But I didn’t need it to push everyone away
People never talk about how one day I would want to rip my body apart
How you’d become trapped in your own head
They never talked about the things that hurt the most
Things that take you by the throat and never let go
How being alone became the only thing I know
I only ever allowed myself to bask in people.
I sunk my teeth into them like a snake releasing venom
And allowed myself to be consumed by them
I was never one for drugs or money
The only things that have ever hurt me,
Had eyes littered with stars, and hearts filled with dust.

But there are good things I did.
I found solstice in art,
In music, and in other people
I found peace in the silence that I sat in for so long.
I became better by pouring my heart out over sheets of paper,
Writing down every heart breaking idea that ever crossed my mind
I'm ****** up still but I don't want anyone cutting themselves on my shattered pieces.
Yes, I smoked because I was sad.
Yes, I broke hearts because I couldn't find myself.
So yeah, I did **** I'm not proud of but I got through it.
We all will.
We will be the generation with scars that loiter all over our bodies.
With invisible tattoos that read "we ******* made it"

You took me to odd places
My own mind was one of them
From our first conversation
To the first time we hung out
I knew it would be different
I just can’t help shaking this feeling
The heart wants what the heart wants
And I am going to be positive about this
With my experiences with you
I learned more about myself
Than I thought I would
I learned that I am brave
Or at least capable of being so
I learned that deep down inside
I’m positive as ****
I learned that you can find friends
In the most unlikely places
And
I learned that you can always
Come back from a dark place
As long as you have someone to help you out
Thank you for the memories
They were pretty great
And I hope that we make more

Life takes me to odd places
You were one of them
From the time that I met you
I knew it would be different
It’s okay if you are into someone else
The heart wants what the heart wants
And I am positive about this
With my experiences with you
I learned more about myself
Than I thought I would
I learned that I am brave
Or at least capable of being so
I learned that deep down inside
I’m positive as ****
And
I learned that you can find friends
In the most unlikely places
Thank you for the memories
They were pretty great
And I hope that we make more

If I end up with you, all of the mangled parts of my heart will mend together like stained glass
Broken and beautiful
I need your soft words to help me be calm,
To keep me from falling into myself
Trapped inside this labyrinth of sadness and confusion
So far, people have just walked by my empty shell of a person
Simply because they thought someone was home
I don’t want to be the person who pretends to be warm, when I’m ice cold
I hate being the person who says it’s okay to tell your story,
Yet I never finish a chapter
I am like the moon
Never completely exposed

i haven't cried this hard since my grandma died.
idk what happened to you.
you were such a good friend.
always there
always cared
i was wrong.
i'm sorry for wasting your time
******* too i guess.

if someone asked me a month ago, "if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?"
i would have said somewhere no where close to here
now, if someone were to ask me the same question today
i would say "wherever he is."
if i could, i would go to you right now,
it's so hard
you're  so far away and i have no idea where this is going.
all i know is
i really wish you were here.

Life is confusing and hard and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want someone to be there so I don’t have to feel like this every ******* night when I’m alone. Yes, I have friends and family but that isn’t the same as having someone there-there, Holding you, It’s different when it’s romance. You don’t stay up late because you’re sad and alone… you stay up because talking to them is better than sleep. I know that I have problems. I can’t keep people around too long. I can’t help it. I just never had someone that pulls me back. That doesn’t let me push them away. It’s not that I am desperate. It’s not that I HAVE to have someone in my life. I just can’t keep telling myself it’s going to be okay. I’m a ****** liar.

i haven't been writing lately, and i think that's a good thing. that there's nothing that is upsetting me. everything seems really good right now and i'm happy. of course there will be moments when i break down, but i can't help that. it will take time for me to heal from it, but i think that i'm moving in the right direction.

I would like to drown my soul in happiness,
And as long as I look at it that way, no one will play games with me.
I was hoping since I believed in lick
Maybe it would help me out but I haven’t been fortunate enough for that.
I guess love never wanted me, but I found you anyway.
We might be going down
But I will go down swinging if it means I get to spend a night with you
I used to think my mind was acid
That’s why the flowers in my heart kept dying
I don’t want you to cut yourself on my broken pieces
But instead replace them with new ones
Just know
When I inevitably fall for you
I will fall hard
So please
Catch me.

I would like to drown my soul in happiness, and since I found you
That much has become true
I was scared that luck wouldn't follow through,
But believing can certainly help you
Even if we might be going down
I'll gladly go down swinging if it meant I got to spend more time with you
My only worry was you'd catch my cold
Full of acid and no soul
Bleaching the flowers in my heart,
And destroying every piece of my soft thoughts
I was afraid you'd cut yourself on my missing pieces,
But you've helped me find new ones
All I know is
I fell head over heals,
And you didn't hesitate to catch me

Love yourself as much as someone else should.
Love yourself as much as you said you would that one time when you were happy and before you felt sad again.
Love yourself as much as you ******* should because you don't have a good enough reason to think you shouldn't.

i think myself into the worst moods
just everything
it comes crashing down and
i feel like i can't breath
i'm being ******* myself
i'm over thinking everything
i can't stop
nothing helps
writing
drawing
nothing helps anymore
i don't know what i'm going to do

IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE EVERYTHING BACK, IT WOULD BE LIKE A FAIRY TALE. I WOULD BE ABLE TO RUN OFF INTO THE SUNSET, WITH THE WORDS “HAPPILY EVER AFTER” IN BOLD OVER MY HEAD. INSTEAD, IT’S JUST A BLANK SCREEN. NO HAPPY ENDING. IN THE DARKNESS, I WASN'T ABLE TO PIN POINT THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TRIGGERED IT, BUT THE BULLET PASSING THROUGH ME HURT ENOUGH. WHAT I’M SAYING IS THAT, I DON’T WANT TO BE FIXED IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE. IF YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO **** ME UP MORE, PLEASE SHOW YOURSELF TO THE DOOR.

Life isn't meant to be fair.
It's not supposed to keep you happy
There's twists and turns
There's not always going to be someone to blame for your pain
But there may be someone to help you through it
People tend to wallow in their dark place
Refusing any source of light
Simply because they blame the light,
For not shining when they needed it most.
So when the light does finally come through
They scold it
Saying it should have came sooner
That it's too late now
That they "like the darkness, it's home"
These people,
They aren't living
They are surviving.

It’s just
You were one of the few people who helped me
When I really ******* needed it
You never once ditched me
Or made me feel like I was bothering you
So why now
Everything has changed?
Is it just me?
What happened to you?
It’s just hard to forget the ones
Who helped you in a way you can’t repay
Who didn’t let you slip away
If you didn’t let me before
Why are you now

When I look in the mirror,
The girl who doesn’t know me
Tells me everyday
There’s two voices
One tells you that you need it all
                                                    Grab it with both hands and never let go
                                                    To make it your own
The other part says to give it time
                                                    Don’t let it consume you
                                                    Leave it be
The war in my mind
The battle's being fought
                                                  Are creating chaos
                                                 I have too many thoughts
What she doesn’t know is
When there's
The greed
And pride
There is also,
Sadness,
                                               The part that says “**** it all”
                                               The part that wants to leave
Darkness is all I see when it rushes over me
The girl in the mirror
She says to me
                                                Not to worry
                                                Not to mind.
                                                There’s a way out
That never occurred to me
                                                I have to figure it out
                                                I have to open my mind.
Until I do,
                                               The war will never be over
                                               The fight will never be done
                                               The chaos will wage on
I will never be fine.

It takes a long time to figure out who is there for you
And who isn’t.
I have people in my life
That even when we fight and curse
We’re always there for each other
Then there are people
Who I wouldn’t waste my time with
Guess which you are.

It’s an odd feeling
When you try to make yourself stop caring
But then that’s all you end up doing.
I’m not saying I want to make it right
I’m not saying that you deserve another chance
And I’m not saying that we would work
All I’m saying is;
It’s not like you didn’t mean anything to me
It’s not that I hate you
It’s just, I wish things ended different
I’m not sorry
I won’t ever be
I just never stopped caring.

But that’s the thing,
Life isn’t a fairy tale.
There’s no happy ending
That’s why I’m so worried
Because I may not have that happy ending
Maybe it’s too early to tell
Maybe I’m just being paranoid.
But my fears are real
And I don’t want them to come true.

You came just as things began to settle. Like dust in an empty house. The windows are broken and the door is sealed shut, but that didn’t stop you from fixing it right up. You didn’t leave me in the dark to collect more dust. You left the light on and made sure I came back home.

You weren't ever the one
If you were, you wouldn't have left
I'm upset right now, yes
But as the sun rises and sets
It will pass
Time will go on
And soon enough
You will be forgotten

After long conversations and me going over it again and again in my head,
I came to the conclusion that
You aren’t good enough for me
You aren’t what I need
You aren’t the one and
You aren’t worth it
I’m disappointed that it took me this long to this conclusion
Trial and error I suppose
It’s easy to move on when there’s no feelings left
And I’m happy to report
I don’t give a single **** about you
I’m done chasing people who aren’t worth my time
It was fun while it lasted
But I don’t play games
Not with my life
One of us had to grow up
And it obviously isn’t going to be you

Everyone has a different way to deal with their ****
Some totally ignore it
Some avoid it for a time
Some dwell
I’ve never been good at choosing my words
And I don’t consider myself to be anywhere close to writing well
I just need to avoid my problems
Or at least doing something about them
I feel like I can’t talk to anyone
I feel like it’s just a joke now
I don’t think anyone cares
Or if they do
They are almost as ******* at talking as me
I just don’t want to have fears anymore
I don’t want to think I can’t talk to anyone
It’s just
I never had
Or let
Anyone stay
Anyone fight to stay
I feel alone
And hurt
And I’m scared
Everyone is moving on
And I stayed still

It took me a long time to come to terms with it
But when (I) said to you “I miss you”
I was expecting a “I (don’t) care”
Or an “ok cool.”
Not a “I (miss) you too”
But when (you) started ignoring me
(I) knew that I was just fooling myself
(Don’t) take this the wrong way
I don’t (want) to be mean
Just (to) think that you (care)
Would be foolish.

You said that you don’t feel the need to answer
Yet you still want to talk to me
I wasn’t ever good at English,
But honey you’re contradicting
If this is your way of revenge
Or closer
Fine
Be a trick
I’m done
I’m done worrying
About you
About us
About everything I can’t change.

We changed like the seasons
Coming and going
Never quite staying in one place
When I met you,
I was rain
Falling ever so quietly
As I got to know you,
It stopped raining
The storm passed,
The sky looked clear.
Once I realized what was happening,
It started raining again
And it hasn’t stopped.

I imagine situations
That has no chance of happening
I think of these scenarios all the time
Maybe it’s because I have a wide imagination
Maybe it’s because I’m crazy
But please
Let this work
Let me be happy
Let me be with someone
Who adds to my life
Gives me hope
And even when they leave
I take what I learned from them
And apply it
I would hate for all the good times to go to waste
But if I could waste time,
I’d love to do that with you

And so it's the
beginning
of the end
and god only knows
where we're going so
buckle up babe
we're going for a ride

I have been searching for a place to call my own, and once I was brave enough to admit I was lost; I found you. My home is where my heart is, and my heart is yours. As often as it’s stormy in my head, and no matter how often it’s raining, you always somehow bring the sun out again.
After you came, I no longer felt lost. I found two roads that diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took a lonely road. To find peace in my soul and that has made all the difference. It has never mattered to me where you start, but where you end. How you get there was always the most important story. I hope that you help me to wherever it is I want to go.
Describing how you make me feel is like describing how water tastes. It’s nothing but good and in my heart, I know; just to put it into words seems improbable. All I know is that I was lost and searching for a home and all I can really say is that the search is over.