With a heavy heart
and a comforting arm
I sit beside you,
my arm snaking over like
a tree over flowers,
branches desperately reaching
to prevent the raindrops
from hitting,
yet always leaving gaps.

I just want to reach to and hold you,
not just in my arms,
but in my mind
and my heart.
I want to draw you in gently
and tenderly prise you
from your pain.
A treasure too precious
and delicate to flaunt,
you are truly,
someone to be cherished.

I stroke your golden waves
and wipe the tears from your
porcelain cheeks and whisper
the words which
I hold you with, tight:
"You be my World"
and I hold you like so,
close,
yet never close enough.

I miss you.
The words cut thin, into
what is merely
the tip of this iceberg of hurt.

I stare blankly at the message box,
agonising over the three words...
untyped,
and as yet,
unsaid.
They are so much truer than the ones
already handing there, on the internets
metaphorical hook:
clique,
calculated,
unneeded and without emotional depth.

"Hey, how are you?"

The words are practically part of the set
of desperate messages I have
wanted to send you,
which would surely have rendered me
wholly unattractive to you.

You make me feel as desirable as poo.

No replies, mixed with affectionate goodbyes,
the sighs you make are surely lies,
when you say that you want to see me.

I'm feeling used, my good nature abused
of it's inability to feel suspicion
over your rendition of first loves
broad script.
Yet I leave my sense behind your
lips
which are locked with the key of
my obligingness.
My wish to try to humanise your
cockiness.

I sometimes wish you'd pay more attention
to the descent of me into madness.

This bewitching and beguiling madness,
so unlike the alternative.

The madness in the way you bridge the
gap between us,
an enthusiastic run of fun, and longing
for me.

The madness in the way you seem to
see me.
A sensual creature of beauty, perhaps
my blindness was from the serenity I
seemed grasp from your gaze.
You don't see me, but I'd be lying if
I didn't wish for that to be what I
am to thee.  

You leave me walking around in a daze.

I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing,
but I know that all you have to do is ring
and I'm there,
I swear I am despicable as I seem.
Because, honestly, I still don't dare dream
that you may wish for this,
something other than my
'heatmaking' kiss.

I hope I can be brave enough to miss you.

But I don't think I can be just yet,
I'm not exactly playing hard to get.  

*enter

You are the cord,
the vein,
the pulse
which keeps me in this place.
Your affection,
so unconditional,
so protective
is an anchor.
Wrapped firmly
round my waist,
stopping me from
drowning
or
simply floating away,
just another helpless body
in the current of
life.

Do you feel sad?
Are you okay?
Are you alright?*

...do you really want to know?
Perhaps I should fill you in.
After all I'm filling to the brim
with repressed emotion, why not
make a rotation,
for your private freak show.

Go ahead and try to demean me.

I don't feel sad,
I feel worse.
I am filled with the
emptiness of
humanity.
Trapped within this
bubble of skin.
I am still disconnected,
unattached,
'free'.
I am, frankly, desolate.

I'm not okay.
My ****** functions
may
lie normal,
my vitals may be
strong,
but I am not 'okay'.
Who are you to say,
just what constitutes okay?
My life may seem fantastic
to you, but hiding
my emotion
is nothing new to
me. I am, after all, an
expert you see.
Why can't you just allow me to
be? without ripping to show
that which makes me
me.

I will never be alright,
this tight ball of
anxiety is
lodged in my throat
an invisible moat
separates me from
the ones my loneliness longs
to reach.
I am beached, on the shores
of my mind.
Desperately hoping for
someone to find me,
desperately hoping that this
time, their actions will
be kindly.

Stop asking questions
you've already made an
answer too.
Don't attack me for showing
weakness, this rot
goes deeper than you will
ever know.
Allow me time to sew the smile
on my face, to deface the battle scars
I should wear with pride.

Unlike you, I wear my medals inside.

I am strong, and I've had to be
for longer than you will ever know.
And, without your 'sympathy' I shall
continue to grow.

I shall be better than you will ever see.

There are little to no words
that can sum up that which you
are to me.

My World;
past,
present
and future.
How can I start to describe?

You are kindness itself,
strong where my strength fails me,
protective when I fall,
I am encased within your love.
You're a a mother to us all.

I cannot imagine life without you.

Even in my worst nightmares,
you are there.
Even my
****** mind
cannot allow your absence.
I would gladly sacrifice
my life for your own.
For, without you, I am incomplete.

You are beauty.

In actions, words and meaning.
Even when you're a *****
that phrasing still holds true.

You're shining light which guides me,
guides me home,
to you.

"Love will come set me free"
I allow the words of the song to wash over me,
the notes lightly brushing against my sore mind.
A shower for my soul.
God, I want them to be true.
Please Lord be kind.

Perhaps I would not mind so much,
the cards you've dealt me thus far,
if you could allow me brief respite
Please lift aside my bar
of fear.

Fear of those who could hurt me.
Fear of everyone.
Please stun this padlock from my mind,
so I might find one of the same kind.

It is not who you are,
but rather what you represent, to me,
which defines you.

You encapsulate a love for me,
which I will never know again,
all-defining, pain and fear filled love-
the one he took away.

In a manner, when I look upon you
I look upon him too.
The face of one who
tore my heart and threw it back
cemented in me all that I did lack
which he would then attack.
In a one sided battle,
the blows raining on me like tears,
adding years to my tender age.
You see he had tore the page of childhood,
leaving this book beyond recognition.

Looking back, perhaps I should have had a premonition,
Phil,
of what you were going to be to me.
But I did not want to see
that which would break
the tinted image which I owned of you
which I knew would remain
true
only to a point,
from which it would then be tarnished forever.

I so wanted you to love me back
and so agreed that I lacked
in all that you'd say,
come what may, I know that
I allowed you to control me.
It was not always so one sided.

You bided your time well, you know,
you timed it 'just so', so you
could be sure this final blow would hit.
A finishing spit in the exposed page of my future,

You turned,
you changed,
and the burning pain I felt within,
is possibly your only sin in
this endeavour.
As whatever you are I cannot
blame you for that
which is past.
No matter how long this pain will last-
possibly forever.

And I will prove myself again.
I will prove that I can still love and
be loved in return.
No matter how my heart may yearn,
I have no choice but to spurn those
who are like you.

A half life it may be,
but half full to me.

What you once seemed,
that which I never dreamed you would turn from.
That which, though I may long to,
I shall never see again
when I attempt to see anew.
Not even blindness could hide
all that is true.

Now all I can do is to
bow to the memory
in defeat.
I will never greet who you were again.

You will never eat your words,
you meant them then.
You still do.

The final blow is that;
I will never live up
to the girl you thought
you thought that you once knew.

You reap only the fake crops which
I attempted to sow
in desperation to be,
all that you thought once thought of me.

That girl is dead.
She lives only in my mind
and your heart.
Our paths were meant to be apart.